Huge huge row with parents on Xmas day

[Sharpasknives]

Short back story, I'm an only child,, always had a difficult relationship with my mum, esp as a teenager when she would read my diaries, didn't agree with some choices I made, but I have just learnt yo deal with her behaviour, always having an opinion on everything I do, nothing is right. About 10 years ago they both moved 150 miles to be closer to me and the grandchildren, now 12 and 13. I never asked them to move, bit supported them. They've never settled really but would be unhappy if they'd stayed as they wouldn't see much of the grandkids.
I've always had a better relationship with my dad.
5 years ago I got divorced which I couldn't have done without them being close to help me. That was a disappointment to them but me and ex have a good relationship.
Just recently, mum has been very difficult , putting the phone down on me as she didn't agree that the boys should see their dad on Xmas day.mi felt they should and they wanted to.
So Xmas day, dad started crying, I've never ever seen him cry, proper sobbing saying mum had to,d him stuff I'd done as a teenager and he couldn't believe it.( drinking, smoking, lesbian flings)
It was horrendous . Luckily the kids had gone.
I just know how to proceed . They have helped me financially but it's with condition, eg - give me money for carpets but they have to have a say in what I choose.
I do love them but my mums constant criticism of everything I do just wares me down, and now she's upset my dad - no reason to bring things up from 25 years ago.
Just needed to vent

I'm sure in time the OPs mum will reflect and realise her actions were wrong.

Maybe the dad was crying because he wasn't able to do the same type of things when he was younger (more austere times, etc.)

Cheers.

Just stop trying so hard to please them.
If a friend were this rude to you, would you keep making the effort to go round?
You are doing all the work and just getting grief for your efforts.
Stop going round there and relax. If she wants to see you, she knows where you are.

"An update - she hasn't phoned me once since Xmas day. I have been taking the kids to see her and dad every couple of days".

Why?. I know why, its FOG again. Fear, obligation and guilt which are but three of many damaging legacies left by such inadequate parents with their own issues (which they never sought the necessary help for) to their now adult child. Also a lack of overall boundaries has not helped either, they have never really encouraged you to have any.

Let her stew and stop taking the children to see your toxic mother. She has not changed a jot since you were a teenager; she still thinks she can control you as an adult and obligate you into accepting money as a further means of controlling you. Your children are also seeing how badly you as their mother are being treated by their nan. Do not think that the children do not notice you being ignored by their nan. Not all grandparents are nice and loving by any means.

Your dad here has acted as her enabler out of self preservation and want of a quiet life. He has certainly failed completely to protect you from her excesses of behaviours and has not wanted to do so either. Neither of them are loving parents, instead they have continued to do what was likely done to them by their own family of origin as children.

I would read and post on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages and start reading "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward.

info,

re your comment:-
"I'm sure in time the OPs mum will reflect and realise her actions were wrong".

This is not the case with toxic people. Such people like OPs mother never apologise nor even accept any responsibility for their actions.

Attila is completely right. My own mother is much the same - if we ever 'had words' she would give the silent treatment ie not make contact with me and, if I phoned her, she would give one word answers and make things extremely awkward. I pulled her up on it numerous times, I may as well have talked to a wall. She was never wrong, it was always me. I would do what you are doing OP, I would make extra efforts to call visit, send flowers even, think up things to do that she might like (Afternoon tea and suchlike). Eventually she would either thaw or else summon me to their house for a rundown of the current misdemeanour plus a run through of everything I had done over the years to annoy her (very little in reality - I was a timid thing, afraid to say boo and never actually said 'no' to her until I was in my 40's. Eventually, after a lot of reading (Toxic Parents etc) and a few sessions with a counsellor, I decided to greatly reduce contact. Now I see my parents every 8 weeks or so for dinner - always in a public place, always with my DH present. My mother is quite a fearsome narcissist and my dad not far off. I can sympathise greatly OP but I never found a way to deal with them until I went low contact. it was tough but it was incredibly liberating and I am so much happier and, slightly sad to say, I don't miss them at all.