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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Huge huge row with parents on Xmas day

80 replies

Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 11:34

Short back story, I'm an only child,, always had a difficult relationship with my mum, esp as a teenager when she would read my diaries, didn't agree with some choices I made, but I have just learnt yo deal with her behaviour, always having an opinion on everything I do, nothing is right. About 10 years ago they both moved 150 miles to be closer to me and the grandchildren, now 12 and 13. I never asked them to move, bit supported them. They've never settled really but would be unhappy if they'd stayed as they wouldn't see much of the grandkids.
I've always had a better relationship with my dad.
5 years ago I got divorced which I couldn't have done without them being close to help me. That was a disappointment to them but me and ex have a good relationship.
Just recently, mum has been very difficult , putting the phone down on me as she didn't agree that the boys should see their dad on Xmas day.mi felt they should and they wanted to.
So Xmas day, dad started crying, I've never ever seen him cry, proper sobbing saying mum had to,d him stuff I'd done as a teenager and he couldn't believe it.( drinking, smoking, lesbian flings)
It was horrendous . Luckily the kids had gone.
I just know how to proceed . They have helped me financially but it's with condition, eg - give me money for carpets but they have to have a say in what I choose.
I do love them but my mums constant criticism of everything I do just wares me down, and now she's upset my dad - no reason to bring things up from 25 years ago.
Just needed to vent

OP posts:

Fairylea · 29/12/2016 13:31

My mum is a bit like this by the way. I lived with her right up until I was 29ish through two long term relationships. When my husband left I found a new lease of life and went a bit wild - started to see someone aged 22 and went out a fair bit drinking (only on the weekends when dd aged 7 was with her dad) and so on. Mum kept telling me how awful I was and would do things like unplug the wifi when she went to bed at 10pm (locking the door to the room and hiding the key) because she was fed up with me "staying up all night chatting to people" on Facebook or whatever. I should add we owned the house jointly so I wasn't living in her house.

Funny enough we don't live together anymore....!

CremeBrusselsSprouts · 29/12/2016 13:33

Use your daily call to have a strong conversation about boundaries. Don't say you made up your diary entries, why the hell should you? There is no need to lie about your past, what matters is how you live in the present.

As a minimum you need to call your mother out on reading your diary and then maliciously using its contents to cause a scene over Christmas.

You sound like you are still very much a child in your interaction with your parents, you need to move into adult mode with them.

Revealall · 29/12/2016 13:36

Be honest.
Tell them they are too judgemental. Then remind them that as neither are getting any younger they haven't got long to sort it out before your memories of them are all negative ones.
Ignore the tears and tantrums. You need them to act like adults.

Lottapianos · 29/12/2016 13:43

I disagree with calling them out on their behaviour. Parents like these usually have, um, limited ability to reflect on and adapt how they treat people. They may well decide that the problem is you.

You do need them to act like adults OP but there is a very real chance that that just will not happen. I would go with drawing your own boundaries and being quietly less available. This gives them no ammunition to use against you, and they cannot accuse you of saying 'horrible' things or whatever. People don't change, unless they really want to and are prepared to work very hard at it. You know what the likely outcome is with your parents.

RubbishMantra · 29/12/2016 14:11

Sadly I agree with Lotta. I have tried to have calm, measured conversations with my parents, they start tantrumming and telling me to behave like an adult. Usually followed up by an email reminding me what perfect parents they are, along with a detailed list of all my shortcomings.

As a PP said, they don't see you and your DCs as people in your own right, just extensions of themselves.

Isetan · 29/12/2016 14:31

They're over invested in your life and your poor boundaries has allowed their over investment to continue. Support has come at a price and at their age they're unlikely to change, so the only way to curb your exposure to their amateur dramatics is to be available less.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 15:01

Thank you everyone , it's hard to create distance . But I will try . - and my new partner was very understanding - he's seen before what they are like

OP posts:

Cherrysoup · 29/12/2016 15:01

They lend you money for carpets but then dictate the choice of carpet? Talk about making you dependent on them! That's ridiculous, OP. Cut those strings.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 15:21

I know but I am all they have got

OP posts:

Chillywhippet · 29/12/2016 15:48

I know but I am all they have got

Only if they have chosen to live this way. You haven't demanded that they revolve their whole lives around you.
They have each other, 2 grandchildren, siblings? Friends? Neighbours? Pets? Hobbies? Volunteering? Exercise classes?

Of course you can't make them have rich interesting lives but perhaps you can draw a boundary in your own mind about their interfering and mischief

We booked cinema tickets for a family trip on Christmas Eve. My DM wanted to take 2 of my DC to a function in her sister's family. She must have said 3 times "so I can't take Chillygirl and chillyboy to my niece's?" I kept having to say, "No. We have booked the cinema."

BlackeyedSusan · 29/12/2016 16:05

your dad's age may account for the angst over your teenage behaviour.

however, your mum was inthe wrong to share it, especially on christmas day.

and well done for sharing kids with ex.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 29/12/2016 16:42

Parents don't have any right to treat you like this even if they are supportive. I'm a widow, my DH died young, and both my DC have had major health problems. My parents have been amazing, helping in more ways than I can count. I could not be more grateful.

BUT they have always treated me as an adult, and the idea that, having paid for a new carpet, they get to choose it? That's ludicrous. Loving parents don't manipulate, they offer support adult to adult. Your parents aren't being kind. They're bullying you. The scene you describe with your dad weeping suggests that their attitude to you is extremely odd, and possibly that he is suffering from some sort of MH problem.

Oh, and your relationship with your ex is a tribute to your maturity.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 17:10

Thank you for the comments about our shared parenting . They are almost 80, they have some friends but their life is shrinking as you would expect . Doesn't help that as my kids have hit almost teenage that they don't want to spend time at grandparents as it's boring ....

OP posts:

Chillywhippet · 29/12/2016 17:15

Yes maybe they sense that as your DC become more independent that you won't be so practically dependent on them?

Like a delayed empty nest thing?

And with your new partner you have emotional support?

Are they frightened of being a bit redundant so trying to recreate stress and drama to keep you all close, as you were? Trying to put you back into the position f troublesome teen?

Sorry getting carried away ...

GetTheeBehindMeSanta · 29/12/2016 17:34

I can completely empathise with you, op. My mum will drag up everything she read in my diaries 30 years ago, similar to yours but without the lesbian flings (feel like I missed out, there). It's a knee jerk reaction to any situation that doesn't go her way, and usually culminates in thinly-veiled threats to let DH know what I'm really like . She has photocopies of the most 'interesting' entries, I believe

It's still embarrassing and it makes me angry, but it's so completely ridiculous I try very hard to laugh whenever she mentions my historic, minor misdemeanours.

Your dad's reaction does sound very unusual. Does he perhaps think these diary entries your mum's been telling him about are current, and he's worried you're having a midlife crisis?

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 17:43

No not current in anyway shape or form. New partner is extremely supportive . My mum said to him on Xmas day, if she's not careful we won't leave her any money, he said it's fine , she can share mine .
They have too much time on their hands to dwell on the past

OP posts:

RandomMess · 29/12/2016 17:43

I think you need to put in some boundaries very very quickly!!!

Wolpertinger · 29/12/2016 17:52

I am all they have got

This is both the blessing and the curse of being the only child - yes they are over invested in you, but believe it or not you hold all the cards. It will hurt them far more than it will hurt you if you start to cut them off - they can't afford to lose you.

At the moment it's all 'we'll cut you out of our will if you don't behave' but really they have much more to lose than you do.

If you start hanging up on calls the second they start banging on about the past, or being mean and critical it will come as a big shock to them. Their whole life is invested in you and they won't want to give that up.

Naicehamshop · 29/12/2016 18:02

Ha ha to your new partner! Brilliant!

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 18:43

You've a hit the right advice it's just so hard to be that strong person . I'm so used to my role in this play

OP posts:

dustarr73 · 29/12/2016 18:54

Op babysteps.One thing at a time.My mam used to be like this,im also an only.You just have to pull back,for your own well being.

Lottapianos · 30/12/2016 08:18

Sharp, it's definitely not easy. You have decades of this pattern and this role under your belt. I found professional help absolutely invaluable when I was learning to pull back from my own parents. I saw a psychotherapist and she helped me to understand my own feelings better and to understand the impact that my parents' behaviour was having on me. I can't recommend it enough if it's something you would be interested in

lazarusb · 30/12/2016 12:29

One small step at a time is the best way to go. But you can't live your life according to what your parents want or expect (especially not your past life). They have no right to criticise you at all.

You obviously have a supportive relationship with your current partner and it's great fro your children that you have a sensible, cooperative relationship with your ex.

You are a hundred times the woman they think you are. Remember that.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 06/01/2017 10:08

An update - she hasn't phoned me once since Xmas day. I have been taking the kids to see her and dad every couple of days. We went on New Years day, she never got out of her chair to wish us happy new year. She speaks to the kids but not me really. We bumped into her in the supermarket yesterday, chatted with the kids, they said we'd been to a local designer outlet, she huffed and said you should have rung me! Then as we stood behind her at the checkout she walked off without saying bye. My dad has been fine when I've seen him.

OP posts:

dustarr73 · 06/01/2017 10:10

I think you are going to have to step back.You know she will turn on the kids when they dont do what they are told.

I wouldnt go round with the kids,let them make the next move.

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