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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Huge huge row with parents on Xmas day

80 replies

Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 11:34

Short back story, I'm an only child,, always had a difficult relationship with my mum, esp as a teenager when she would read my diaries, didn't agree with some choices I made, but I have just learnt yo deal with her behaviour, always having an opinion on everything I do, nothing is right. About 10 years ago they both moved 150 miles to be closer to me and the grandchildren, now 12 and 13. I never asked them to move, bit supported them. They've never settled really but would be unhappy if they'd stayed as they wouldn't see much of the grandkids.
I've always had a better relationship with my dad.
5 years ago I got divorced which I couldn't have done without them being close to help me. That was a disappointment to them but me and ex have a good relationship.
Just recently, mum has been very difficult , putting the phone down on me as she didn't agree that the boys should see their dad on Xmas day.mi felt they should and they wanted to.
So Xmas day, dad started crying, I've never ever seen him cry, proper sobbing saying mum had to,d him stuff I'd done as a teenager and he couldn't believe it.( drinking, smoking, lesbian flings)
It was horrendous . Luckily the kids had gone.
I just know how to proceed . They have helped me financially but it's with condition, eg - give me money for carpets but they have to have a say in what I choose.
I do love them but my mums constant criticism of everything I do just wares me down, and now she's upset my dad - no reason to bring things up from 25 years ago.
Just needed to vent

OP posts:

3luckystars · 29/12/2016 12:37

Your arrangements with the children are between you anemail their dad. Tell them to not mention it again, you are giving them oxygen just change the subject, it's none of their business.

I know it must be really hard because they are your parents and of course you love them, but you have been through enough and if they can't be nice anemail supportive, then keep away.

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 12:38

But I wasn't ;)

OP posts:

3luckystars · 29/12/2016 12:38

This fuckingfucking phone! I am bringing it back to the shop.

Aoibhe · 29/12/2016 12:41

Your mum sounds toxic

KitKat1985 · 29/12/2016 12:42

They sound over-invested in your life. Do they have other interests that you can encourage to get them out of your hair a bit?

I'd also not borrow money off them unless it's an emergency so they can't interfere with how you spend it.

zippey · 29/12/2016 12:43

You are a different person to that of 25 years ago. Didn't your dad experiment back in his teenage years? The 60s and 70s were rife for drugs and casual sex encounters.

RedToothBrush · 29/12/2016 12:50

They expect a phone call or a visit every day - we only live a mile away

Time to cut those apron strings and let them cope on their own.

They control you because you let them ultimately.

They will emotionally blackmail you, they will try and manipulate you. This is because they have never let you go and can't bare to let you go.

You are the adult. If they act like children and have a tantrum, let them. Start making things on your terms not theirs.

You've got tough times ahead but make a decision about it and then stick to it. You have done nothing wrong.

Naicehamshop · 29/12/2016 12:51

You need to distance yourself from them - their behaviour is awful.

Maybe put it all in a letter/email so that you have a chance to get your points across calmly; you appreciate their help over the years but they cannot tell you how to manage your children and your relationship with your ex.

If they kick off, then you are going to have to go nc, or very much reduce contact. Don't forget you didn't ask them to move near you - that was their decision!!

Fairylea · 29/12/2016 12:55

Way too overbearing and too emotionally involved with your life. Distance is needed otherwise they will continue to try to control to you.

Atenco · 29/12/2016 12:56

It sounds like there must be something else going on with your dad.

Though, come to think of it, it must have been a bit of a shock to find out that all these things were happening and being discussed by the people you most loved, and you were kept in ignorance.

Your parents are very old now, OP, and must be annoying at times, but let go of the past as much as possible and don't be surprised that they aren't always reasonable.

pictish · 29/12/2016 13:01

Well done on telling them, "They're not your kids" - they needed to hear that.
I think you need to establish some firmer boundaries.

1horatio · 29/12/2016 13:01

Drinking, smoking and lesbian flings?

Well, uhm... who hasn't?
Anyhow, I think there must be more going on. Why would your mother talk about that now?

And why didn't he know? Didn't they parent together?

And your mother sounds crazy, btw.

starsorwater · 29/12/2016 13:01

What about a brisk, 'Don't be silly, Father, I was a normal teenager. Of course my boys should see their dad. I've just about forgiven you Mum, but you do yourself no favours dragging up the past. Suggest you both look into U3A, you need more interests in your life than me.'

CathodeRayTube · 29/12/2016 13:03

Is it possible that you Dad was just getting old and emotional? I know elderly people who say really surprising things or get worked up about things they they definitely already knew years ago and with not bothered by at the time.

SunnyGoats15 · 29/12/2016 13:05

Your Mum needs to broaden her friendship group and find some new interests. As for what you did or did not do as a teenager - for goodness sake! That was in the past and it's your past, not theirs.

DollyPlastic · 29/12/2016 13:06

He sounds pathetic, and your mum should be ashamed of herself reading your diary.

I would tell them to back off a bit or you'll cut contact for a while.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 29/12/2016 13:06

Oh dear god, how did your new bloke take it? Talk about mortifying.

What a ridiculous situation they created. Both of them. Your Mum for bringing it up & embarassing you like that and your Dad for not just shrugging and saying something like 'Oh my, I had no idea. Thank god you're an adult now and I don't have to worry about you like that! Wife - why are you dragging all that up now? It's irrelevant to xyz'.

I wouldn't speak to them until they apologise.

Just because they 'expect' to see you/hear from you daily, doesn't mean you have to do it. You are an ADULT.

TheThingsWeAdmitOnMN · 29/12/2016 13:08

Atenco. FFS her parents are in their 70's. That's not 'very old'.

Bitofacow · 29/12/2016 13:11

I just keep coming back to the trust issue.
Your DM has gone waaaaay over line for me. We all have different tipping points and as a general rule I am all , 'smile and wave', but to tell your secret that she read your diary to find. She should be ashamed.

Lottapianos · 29/12/2016 13:16

OP, your parents sound like mine. I never got around to lesbian flings, but did plenty of drinking and smoking as a teenager and when they found out (at the time), they were absolutely distraught and completely shocked. There was no understanding at all that these are perfectly normal things for a teenager to do, and something that most parents would not encourage, but would expect. They were hugely overinvolved in my life and extremely controlling until I took an enormous step back a few years ago. I am very low contact with them now.

Other people on here are right - you are an adult and you get to live your life how you want to. However, I know how very difficult that is to believe and act on when you have parents who have never encouraged you to consider your own needs and become independent. It won't be easy, but I would absolutely recommend drawing some very clear boundaries for yourself. They seem to see you as an extension of them, rather than a separate person. Be less available, and start sharing way less information with them. Think of it as self-preservation. Its very sad and feels unnatural to start with, but gets much easier with practice

665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 29/12/2016 13:18

From an uninvolved perspective - what they are saying:
"You wern't good enough then, and your choices arn't good enough now.

You are incapable of managing your own life - making your own choices..
about anything, carpet - child rearing - anything.
Should you make choices you should do so in an inappropriate and approved manner - or you will be punished.
You are not allowed autonamy or privacy as you need to be "managed" you do not have a right to dignity either...and we can choose to say what we like infront of anyone we like about you...we will also dictate how you use your time and...on and on and ..."

but I bet your not allowed to say Boo! to them - or am I wrong?

Parker231 · 29/12/2016 13:21

Why do you call or visit every day?

MrsKoala · 29/12/2016 13:26

Sorry OP, i know you are upset, but how did you not laugh at how childish they are being? I did loads of drugs and sex in my youth it's nothing unusual. Drinking and smoking and same sex flings are even pretty normal when you aren't a teen. How would they cope if you did those things now? - all are perfectly legal.

The trouble with accepting help from people is they seem to feel they have purchased the right to an opinion. I would take less help and redefine some boundaries. Altho they may legitimately feel that now you don't need them you are not upholding your implied part of the bargain.

My Auntie had something similar. Really leaned on my grandparents thru a bad divorce and as a single mum, they were quite controlling; giving money but getting a say in what it was spent on etc. Then when she became less reliant on them and wanted more independence they felt abandoned and were unpleasant and she felt she was treated poorly. As a family we could see it all unfolding and no one came out looking good.

I would try to talk this thru and point out you are a grown up and while you will always be there they need to find some other outlet for their time.

RachelRagged · 29/12/2016 13:27

Thought my DM was over the top sometimes but reading this , she was and is not .

Its not like you murdered anyone in your teens OP , or took hard drugs etc .. They should be feeling lucky you only drank , smoked and indulged in lesbian flings/experimentation .

Original poster

Sharpasknives · 29/12/2016 13:29

Thanks lottapianio

OP posts:

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