Is my wife selfish?

[cyberbob123]

Just want a second opinion.

My wife bought 4 tickets for the London fireworks, with the intention of us inviting some friends along. After we bought the fireworks, my Dad fell ill. Turned out he had a serious illness and died 3 weeks later, in mid December. The funeral is now set for 30th Dec in the midlands, a couple of hours travel time away from London.

I told her I wanted to stay in the midlands for new years, to be with my sister and to toast to our Dad, despite us already having tickets in London. I told her I wanted her to stay too and that we should just eat the cost of the tickets because this was more important to me (they cost 40 pounds total). She is coming to the funeral, and leaving more or less straight after it finishes because she wants to see the fireworks. I told her I think this is a little selfish, she disagrees and says she wants one 'personal day' because this whole thing has been hard on her too.

I just want a second opinion here. My wife, in my opinion, regularly does things that I find very selfish. Am I right? Or am I just over sensitive?

She is disgustingly selfish !! She also must have a heart of stone. Hugs op xxx

So sorry for your recent loss. Agree that this sounds highly insensitive at best and at worst uncaring and pretty callous actually. If our partners aren't there for us in such times of crises then when are they there for us? The price of the tickets barely enters the equation; she should be deferring to your wishes on this occasion. You may need to spell this out to her and get her to look at her actions. I hope you feel supported by other family members on this sad occasion.

I lost my dad to brain cancer last year and the grief is horrendous so I know how you feel. My dh doesnt understand either as both his parents (although they are 20 years older than my dad was ) are still alive. My dad was 54 and had so much more life in him. I honestly know how you must be feeling and im sending a huge hug xx

This is bad, OP.

Really really bad. This is the person who's meant to be your best friend??! She's not your best friend.

She is a closet arsehole, I'm afraid.

My sincere condolences. My Dad died within a couple of weeks of a sudden turn and I'll never forget it. The powerlessness of it. Like a train going too fast you can't jump off.

Condolences to you OP.

Id say very selfish. Surely as your partner/wife/person who loves you/you love the most, she would want to be with you at this time? Fireworks in London, really??

She thinks she wouldn't have a problem if the situations were reverse. It's the sort of thing an immensely immature person would say.

Hugely selfish. I'm sorry for your loss OP. You can tell her that the fireworks are really not that great - as a seasoned goer before it was a ticketed event, it's horrendously crowded/cold/loads and loads of waiting/view is usually not that good/manoeuvring yourself out the crowds afterwards takes absolutely hours of shuffling. So unpleasant and will never go again!

I'm so sorry for your loss and I can't believe your wife is not staying with you xx

Whoa ! That is rough

Sorry for your loss.

I would feel very hurt. I've not read the entire thread but if this isn't a one off and you feel she can be selfish regularly, then i think her behaviour is awful. She should be there for you and you shouldn't even have to ask.

Sorry for your loss and discovering your wife is like this. I wouldn't leave my dh's side until he was ready, however long it took!

Wow. If she won't support you throughout the whole day of your fathers funeral, then when can you ever expect her to putyou first?

I think she is being selfish, and although people deal with grief differently, just now she should be focussing on helping you through. If she had bad rrlations with your sister and her being there would cause an atmosphere then maybe id understand her leaving you to spend time with them, but otherwise no she needs to prioritise you right now. Surely you could sell or give away the tickets and go to the fireworks next year?

I'd be really interested to hear about other instances of selfishness.

What strikes me is the openness she has about ignoring your direct request for support. That's very unusual - brazen, or as if she really does not understand how socially unacceptable that is in the circumstances of a bereavement.

Very selfish

She sounds vile. How on earth has this got anything to do with how she feels? "Personal Day" what the fuck is that? Surely you are a team?

I would seriously revaluate my relationship if my life partner came out with crap like this.

Blimey O'Reilly! Is she serious?! And she could go and watch the fireworks and have a fun old time? I'm really very sorry for your loss. That is appalling behaviour. Selfish is not the word, that is disgraceful.

Yes, selfish, and not in a good way.
OP, you mention other incidents of her selfishness. Does she lack self-awareness- in that she has no concept of the effect her choices/actions have on other people?

Imho, she takes you for granted, massively so.

So sorry about your Dad.
So sorry about your wife.

Sorry for your loss. Any time of year its hard to deal with but now always seems worse.
As for the selfish question....put it this way, I've just come from the feminist forum and if your roles were reversed in all this they would be queuing up over there to recommend a divorce lawyer to her over it .

Some people are really odd about bereavement. I was shocked by the behaviour/attitude of some of my friends when my mum died.