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Original poster

Is my wife selfish?

121 replies

cyberbob123 · 28/12/2016 15:20

Just want a second opinion.

My wife bought 4 tickets for the London fireworks, with the intention of us inviting some friends along. After we bought the fireworks, my Dad fell ill. Turned out he had a serious illness and died 3 weeks later, in mid December. The funeral is now set for 30th Dec in the midlands, a couple of hours travel time away from London.

I told her I wanted to stay in the midlands for new years, to be with my sister and to toast to our Dad, despite us already having tickets in London. I told her I wanted her to stay too and that we should just eat the cost of the tickets because this was more important to me (they cost 40 pounds total). She is coming to the funeral, and leaving more or less straight after it finishes because she wants to see the fireworks. I told her I think this is a little selfish, she disagrees and says she wants one 'personal day' because this whole thing has been hard on her too.

I just want a second opinion here. My wife, in my opinion, regularly does things that I find very selfish. Am I right? Or am I just over sensitive?

OP posts:
thatdearoctopus · 28/12/2016 16:13

she disagrees and says she wants one 'personal day' because this whole thing has been hard on her too.

So she's found a way of making it all about her? Yes, selfish.

Stickytoffeepuddings · 28/12/2016 16:13

I haven't read all the posts but my goodness OP this has made me feel really angry.... I know we all deal with grief differently however I feel that support to those grieving should be prioritised with respect to the closest to the deciesed iyswim.... she is completely wrong in my eyes. When my brother lost his son, my mother couldn't see beyond her own needs, I felt my brothers needs were greater... guess this has touched a raw nerve, but yes to answer your question... she is being selfish... so sorry for your loss

ThePinkOcelot · 28/12/2016 16:17

Sorry for your loss OP.

Your W certainly sounds selfish to me and a bit of a bitch tbh!

The fireworks will be on next year and the year after and the year after that!! I think this would be a deal breaker for me.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/12/2016 16:18

I'd be re-evaluating my marriage based on this, how selfish can you get and there's no back story. Even if there is a back story the kind, civil thing to do is spend time with your spouse after a funeral and not journey miles to a fireworks night to celebrate NYE.

Your wife has got her priorities totally wrong. I hope she changes her mind. Ps sorry for your loss. Flowers

SuperFlyHigh · 28/12/2016 16:20

ThePinkOcelot even if it were Millennium fireworks (river of fire disaster anyone?!) it would still be a no no even if they were a one off. These things happen.

SuperFlyHigh · 28/12/2016 16:22

The killer line in your post OP is that my wife, in my opinion, regularly does things that I find very selfish.

Care to elaborate? I think this is the straw the broke the camel's back.

MagicChicken · 28/12/2016 16:22

She's being selfish and spoilt and very unsupportive. Bloody fireworks? Hmm Pfff.

BakeOffBiscuits · 28/12/2016 16:22

Yes she is being selfish as well as thoughtless and unsupportive.

I've lost both my mum and dad, if my DH had acted like your wife I'd be questioning my marriage. Your wife should be doing everything in her power to support you 100% around the days of the funeral.

ThePinkOcelot · 28/12/2016 16:23

Superfly, exactly!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 28/12/2016 16:24

I would never have left dh after he lost his day. Apart from anything else it would've been disrespectful imo as he was MY father in law and I was grieving too.

Valentine2 · 28/12/2016 16:26

I haven't read the whole thread but just after reading your OP, she looks incredibly selfish. She should be on your side unless there is some back story. New Year eve comes every year. Parents don't come back.

Roodie · 28/12/2016 16:26

That's quite coldhearted of her. She doesn't want to be there for you just after your Dad has died?! That lacks empathy.

Jux · 28/12/2016 16:27

My dh's mum died a couple of weeks ago and funeral was last week. I didn't get on with mil very well, but I was sad she had died, and wouldn't have dreamt of leaving dh alone around that time, never mind the day after the funeral - he was liable to break down for days after and needed both dd and I there, though hae had his sister and friends around him. I am astonished your wife thinks what she's proposing is remotely OK.

And just for bloody fireworks!!

She doesn't sound like a 'keeper'. Do you have children?

Valentine2 · 28/12/2016 16:27

Posted too soon. Sorry you lost your father and facing this too. Flowers

OnionKnight · 28/12/2016 16:30

I'd be evaluating my marriage if my wife behaved like yours OP.

RichardBucket · 28/12/2016 16:37

Horribly selfish. It doesn't matter what HER way of dealing with grief is, YOUR needs are more important right now.

MistressMerryWeather · 28/12/2016 16:37

Sorry for your loss, OP.

Yes, she's incredibly selfish. I would never leave my grieving husband to go see some fireworks.

Her excuse about needing a personal day is bizarre, to say the least. Her concern should be looking after you.

pinkieandperkie · 28/12/2016 16:39

Sorry for your loss. I think your wife should be with you and definitely not at a fireworks display. I feel sad for you.

Areyoulocal · 28/12/2016 16:42

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FetchezLaVache · 28/12/2016 16:53

So sorry about your father, OP. I lost my dad this year too, my boyfriend of 18 months took two days off work so that he could be with me for the funeral and the day after, just because he wanted to be there for me and support me.

I completely agree that your wife has her priorities wrong. As for needing a "personal day" as "this whole thing has been hard on her too", I don't doubt that it has, but your grief trumps her... whatever it is.

notagiraffe · 28/12/2016 16:54

Your dad has died You come first for the next few weeks or months. She's being useless and selfish.

ChanandlerBongsNeighbour · 28/12/2016 16:55

Sorry for your loss OP. Whatever your wife thinks, she is being spectacularly selfish I'm afraid.

Xmasbloat · 28/12/2016 16:56

I'm so sorry for the loss of your dad. I lost my dad this year. I was dreading the funeral and wouldn't have coped had it not been for my darling DH and friends who stayed over. Sorry but your wife is out for herself. I can't believe she would be that insensitive that she wouldn't get how your going to feel after the funeral when you need her support more than ever. It is not normal. I don't know if you're having problems in your marriage but it sounds like someone whose checked out of the marriage and could possibly be having an affair. She needs to be ashamed of this disgusting lack of support and loyality all for the sake of a fireworks jolly. If she is that selfish and unsupportive now, imagine going throw your life with someone like this. My DH is disgusted hearing this and thinks she is out for what she can get out of the marriage. He feels you need to give her an ultimatum. I think you should at least show her this thread as she needs a cold slap of reality.

NotTheFordType · 28/12/2016 17:01

Sorry for your loss OP. I think your wife is being very selfish. At times like this you should be acting as a team, with the person who has suffered the bereavement being supported by the other, both practically and emotionally. It doesn't sound like that's happening here.

ALaughAMinute · 28/12/2016 17:07

I told her I wanted to stay in the midlands for new years, to be with my sister and to toast to our Dad, despite us already having tickets in London. I told her I wanted her to stay too and that we should just eat the cost of the tickets because this was more important to me

OP, you don't tell people what to do, you ask.

Your wife is travelling a long way to go to the funeral so she can hardly be described as selfish. Think again.