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Original poster

Is my wife selfish?

121 replies

cyberbob123 · 28/12/2016 15:20

Just want a second opinion.

My wife bought 4 tickets for the London fireworks, with the intention of us inviting some friends along. After we bought the fireworks, my Dad fell ill. Turned out he had a serious illness and died 3 weeks later, in mid December. The funeral is now set for 30th Dec in the midlands, a couple of hours travel time away from London.

I told her I wanted to stay in the midlands for new years, to be with my sister and to toast to our Dad, despite us already having tickets in London. I told her I wanted her to stay too and that we should just eat the cost of the tickets because this was more important to me (they cost 40 pounds total). She is coming to the funeral, and leaving more or less straight after it finishes because she wants to see the fireworks. I told her I think this is a little selfish, she disagrees and says she wants one 'personal day' because this whole thing has been hard on her too.

I just want a second opinion here. My wife, in my opinion, regularly does things that I find very selfish. Am I right? Or am I just over sensitive?

OP posts:
CocoaX · 28/12/2016 17:30

I agree with ALaughaMinute actually. The wording is key and made me uncomfortable- 'I told her I wanted her to stay too'

Are you sure there is not a larger pattern of you tell her what you want her to do and she kicks back to get space/autonomy? I would be hugely uncomfortable with being told what to do.

I am truly sorry for your loss, and it sounds like staying with your family for New Years is right and important to you. But they are your family and you will have childhood stories and memories which are not your wife's to share. Maybe she will feel like she is intruding (I would). I don't really see the problem with her having a bit of alone time and you being with your family as is important to you. The effects of grief are longer than a few weeks and you need to work together to handle things in your different ways recognising that you are two separate people. Your wife is supporting you at the funeral and she will be with you into the New Year. It is not selfish to compromise.

IAmNotTheOneWhoKnocks · 28/12/2016 17:41

I would be hugely uncomfortable with being told what to do

It's really crazy how far some mumsnetters are willing to go in order to fabricate a narrative whereby they can disagree with the OP/the majority of people responding.

If an immediate relative dies and your OH says they still want to go on their stupid day trip to London, it is not "telling them what to do" if you tell them you want them to stay with you during this obviously difficult time. Not in any universe!!

Not to mention the fact that you shouldn't even have to tell them that in the first place!!!

HecAteAllTheXmasPud · 28/12/2016 17:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MistressMerryWeather · 28/12/2016 17:47

I would really hate to be in a relationship where I had to be so careful with my wording, especially if someone I loved had just died.

I see nothing wrong with him telling her he wants her to stay with him.

It would take an incredibly unkind and tedious person to get annoyed at that.

Whatthefreakinwhatnow · 28/12/2016 17:50

Oh for crying out loud alaughaminute, hostel bloody father died! He is perfectly reasonable on saying I want you to stay with me if that is what he needs, it's not controlling ffs!

Why must people jump on the bloody controlling/abusive bandwagon all the sodding time?!

OP I'm very sorry for your loss. Your wife is being incredibly selfish and staggeringly unsupportive, I would be so hurt if DP did this to me. I hope she sees sense and comes around but if she doesnt, I hope you and your sister can take comfort in each other xx

IAmNotTheOneWhoKnocks · 28/12/2016 17:52

"You want me to stay?? YOU want ME to stay??? Right, that's it, I'm going! Nobody tells me what to do!!"

Oh yes, I can see how that response to somebody whose Dad just died is much more reasonable and not at all selfish. Hmm

Original poster
cyberbob123 · 28/12/2016 18:01

She is a bit strange. She can be wonderfully considerate and do the nicest things, and then sometimes imo she is mind bendingly selfish.

If I showed her this post and these responses tbh I think she would get very angry with me for posting. She has done in the past (I have posted situations before because sometimes I feel like I want other peoples opinions on if my point of view is irrational or unfair - I haven't done it often, maybe 3 times over 8 years).

She says I ask things of her she would not ask of me. She said she wouldn't have a problem if the situation were reversed.

OP posts:
PollytheDolly · 28/12/2016 18:07

Can you tell us more OP. I find her behaviour astounding!

HecAteAllTheXmasPud · 28/12/2016 18:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

IAmNotTheOneWhoKnocks · 28/12/2016 18:11

It's also kind of irrelevant. We all react differently to these situations. If she would prefer to be alone after the death of a loved one, then that's fine. That has no bearing on what he should want or expect of her in the reverse situation though.

PenguinsandPebbles · 28/12/2016 18:12

I'm so sorry for your loss Flowers

I really hate this "some people aren't good with death" rubbish. I'm really not good with funerals, I'm just not, but if my DP sadly lost his dad no matter how uncomfortable I am with death no way on earth would I be putting fireworks and friends above him.

I'd go beyond saying it's selfish and actually think it's quiet cruel. Part of being in a partnership or marriage is that you put the other person first, and when your loved one tells you, they really need you, you do what they need. It is on no planet controlling to need the support of your partner when something like this happens.

IMO you should have never had to ask in the first place, it should have been a given that she would be there with you.

statetrooperstacey · 28/12/2016 18:12

Laughs minute FFS really!
Your wife is selfish yes. Sorry about your dad.
She should be doing anything you need her to do. Speak to her again, tell her you really need her with you, Stress how important it is to you.

MynyddoeddEryri · 28/12/2016 18:12

It's not normal cyberbob for her to get angry about you posting for support. Most people would be happy for their spouse to seek support. Well actually most people would be happy to provide support (which she's clearly not doing) as well as to know their partner has somewhere else to reach out.

Whilst she may not have a problem if the situation were reversed that's completely besides the point. You've asked her a very normal thing, to be by your side at one of the hardest parts of your life. There's absolutely nothing wrong with you asking and expecting her to be there Flowers

Quintessing · 28/12/2016 18:15

Do you have children?

If not, I am sure you could do better than her.

Quintessing · 28/12/2016 18:16

Sorry for your loss.

Dont go groveling to her now, that you need her. She does not care, you spoil her fun, with your bereavement and all.

Not sure you really want her with you, when you see how unsupportive she is. Let her go have fun. Take stock. Perhaps move on.

Patriciathestripper1 · 28/12/2016 18:20

Perhaps you are not as close as you thought you were?
People do deal with grief in different ways, but the lack of support from your wife, even when you have asked for it, seems pretty crappy at the least. She needs an injection of loyalty!!

thatdearoctopus · 28/12/2016 18:31

She says I ask things of her she would not ask of me. She said she wouldn't have a problem if the situation were reversed.

That's a cop out. It doesn't matter if she wouldn't have a problem - you do, and it would mean a lot to you if she could support you.

SandyY2K · 28/12/2016 18:32

Some people just have a selfish self centred streak and your wife seems to be one of them.

Was she like this before you married her?

The thing is, now knowing she doesn't want to stay in the Midlands, I wouldn't want her to stay anymore. ... but this kind of thing causes resentment and you'll never forget it.

I recall a man in a similar position, saying his wife insisted on running her fitness class, when his dad was gravely ill. They stayed together, but years later when he had an affair, he brought up that very incident.

Joysmum · 28/12/2016 18:34

I don't expect my DH and I to have the same emotional needs. However we both understand that and support each other how they need to be supported, not how we would want to be supported ourselves as we've been together long enough to know that's not the right response.

TheNaze73 · 28/12/2016 18:44

Leave her. She sounds hideous

Blossomdeary · 28/12/2016 18:48

I am sorry for your loss. Do you think that your wife does not understand how much you need her support?

bestofboth · 28/12/2016 18:52

Sorry for your loss Flowers very similar situation when my DPs mum died.
She is being selfish, yes people deal with grief in different ways but he's your dad. She needs to be there for you!

SandyY2K · 28/12/2016 18:56

It's not normal cyberbob for her to get angry about you posting for support. Most people would be happy for their spouse to seek support.

Except they would get angry, when they know they're wrong and that total strangers agree with you.

She knows she's selfish, hence her annoyance that unbiased people can see right through her.

If you haven't already got children with her, think very very carefully about it. Selfish people rarely change for the better.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 28/12/2016 20:19

From what you've posted she sounds massively selfish & inconsiderate, what kind of person wouldn't realise the support their partner needed when they'd just lost a parent Hmm

Giselaw · 28/12/2016 21:29

"It's not normal cyberbob for her to get angry about you posting for support. Most people would be happy for their spouse to seek support."

I strongly disagree it's normal to post your personal issues on a public Internet forum, especially this one where stories sometimes become viral/get reprinted in daily mail, etc.

I use this site but don't post my marital issues on here because I would be livid if my DH did the same.