Is my wife selfish?

[cyberbob123]

Just want a second opinion.

My wife bought 4 tickets for the London fireworks, with the intention of us inviting some friends along. After we bought the fireworks, my Dad fell ill. Turned out he had a serious illness and died 3 weeks later, in mid December. The funeral is now set for 30th Dec in the midlands, a couple of hours travel time away from London.

I told her I wanted to stay in the midlands for new years, to be with my sister and to toast to our Dad, despite us already having tickets in London. I told her I wanted her to stay too and that we should just eat the cost of the tickets because this was more important to me (they cost 40 pounds total). She is coming to the funeral, and leaving more or less straight after it finishes because she wants to see the fireworks. I told her I think this is a little selfish, she disagrees and says she wants one 'personal day' because this whole thing has been hard on her too.

I just want a second opinion here. My wife, in my opinion, regularly does things that I find very selfish. Am I right? Or am I just over sensitive?

Yeah totally selfish! Sorry for your loss.

When my father died a few years ago it was a very intimate close family affair as we comforted him in his last few days. My wife came with me even though she knew I'd be with my mum and siblings in the hospice most of the time. She never intruded, she never complained, she just quietly supported us all, making sure we had clean clothes and warm meals and anything else she could do to help. That's one of the countless reasons I love her and would do anything for her.

Sorry for the loss of your father, I know DW is coming to the funeral but it does seem that she must really, really like fireworks or these particular friends.

My condolences to you. From what I can gather your wife got on with your father, liked him, had a good relationship with him. If that's the case then she is being selfish and disrespectful to you and your family. To go and have a personal day, to see fireworks. Is she five?.

Does she need it spelling out very clearly? I know my dh didn't have a clue what I needed off him when my mum died, I had to tell him what support I needed as he's just no good with emotional needs.

Sorry about your dad

I wouldn't do that. Sorry for your loss. Assuming there is no drip feed like 'when her mother died you went on a stag do' or whatever of course.

Very strange (and if it's as it sounds, selfish) behaviour on her part. It's as if she doesn't like you.

Sorry about your dad, OP.

Then I'm sorry op, but yes this is very uncaring behaviour. I honestly can't imagine doing such a thing or know any one who would.

How's your marriage, something seems off. Even if something wrong though, this is very unkind behaviour.

Even if your wife and Dad were not close, she is still being incredibly selfish. So what if there are a few fireworks to miss for fucks sake. She may want to deal with things differently with regards to grief but in my mind the grief is predominantly yours and therefore she should be there to support you. In any event, I'd want to be with my Husband wherever he wanted to be in that situation, not bugger off because I can't deal with it.

Ok, well I guess there is a consensus!

Thanks for your replies and sympathy.

Ask her again to stay and support you. If she won't change her mind show her this thread. Sometimes an outside perspective will open her eyes.

Has she suffered a bereavement in the past that might be coming back to mind for her?

That sounds very unkind! I wouldn't be able to go enjoy fireworks with friends knowing my DH had just buried his dad. Does she normally have form for being this selfish??

Staying with family and raising a toast to you dad btw seems like a lovely way of remembering him; sorry for your loss!

I really thought when I read the title that you would be in for a thrashing on here, but having read your OP, I do not think you are being unreasonable. She is indeed being selfish!

I cannot believe that an otherwise normal and loving wife could even think of doing this.

Sorry for your loss OP

She sounds like a selfish dick tbh.

Who puts a firework display above supporting their husband/wife through the death of a parent?

I can't understand why she would do this.
It would definitely be a deal breaker for me

Sorry for your loss. From what you've said here her behaviour is definitely selfish. It's not normal to bugger off to watch fireworks leaving your grieving partner behind.

My dad died earlier this year, tbh, I barely noticed DP there but I felt his support in everything, driving me places, making tea, running to the shops for my mum, comforting the kids when I couldnt.

I expected his support, but never asked for it as I knew it would be there. Your wife sounds selfish and I would tell her so.

Yes, she sounds selfish.

Definitely selfish. Not something I'd ever do to DP.

My ex left my dad's wake to attend a friend's stag do (his 2nd stag do actually, ex had already attended the first weekend away a few weeks previously). I was too shell shocked by everything to ask him not to go but when it came to him leaving my heart broke a little. That friends marriage never actually went ahead, and once the numbness of grief for my dad wore off the fact that my ex had left me there stayed with me and really fucking hurt, it is something that ate away at me over time.

I'm sorry for your loss.

She could re-sell those tickets very easily, so it isn't even a case of losing the money. In her shoes I would definitely decide the fireworks could wait a year. Well, in fact wild horses wouldn't drag me to Central London on New Year's Eve, it's living hell and it takes hours to get home - but that's a separate issue.

I'm so sorry you lost your Dad

Your wife is being incredibly selfish. I have no idea why a cheap fireworks display is more important to her than taking care of you.

Maybe you should show her the replies from this post?

Difficult one actually. When my FIL was killed, dh withdrew from me and DD. He spent all his time with his siblings and even if I was there, I was on the perifory- not so much when his mum died as they had a difficult relationship

After fil died I went away 2 days later abroad on a pre planned short break with friends, confused a few friends but ...
I was actually abroad when MIL died 🙄 And went knowing she was very ill but it was an important even on. My side of the family
I wouldn't have stayed with you I reckon - difference being that my dh wouldn't have wanted me to
If he had, I wouldn't have gone

When I lost my grandparents and uncle I too spent all my time with my side

Maybe im weird

The tickets can sold or given away.

Regardless of how well she got on with your dad or how close they were, it's YOU that needs the support right now.

If this was me and my dp wanted to fuck off to a night out while I was dealing with the aftermath of a funeral then I'd be wondering why on earth I'd married him.

Selfish, inconsiderate and unfeeling. I'm very sorry for your loss.