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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Caught DH having an affair....help (long!)

45 replies

DisturbedElf · 19/02/2007 16:49

I've recently found out that my DH has been having an affair with a girl at work. I suspected for a while and it was confirmed when I checked his mobile. Anyway, after several days of stone cold silence interupted by blazing rows, He decided to stay with me and apparently broke it off with her.He must think I'm completely stupid as He now deletes all his messages on his phone....only they show up on his mobile bill. I told him that if he was going to stay with me that any form of contact other than work was just not on to which he looked suitably ashamed and agreed. Trouble is, She just can't seem to stay away. I now know that they talk to each other on MySpace...nothing that would lead me to believe that it's started again, but She's persistent. I think She's trying to get him back any way she can, even though She's known from the start that He has a wife and kids. Any ideas on what to do before I go to her house and floor her? Or am I being paranoid?

OP posts:

Mumpbump · 19/02/2007 16:53

Can you write her a polite letter and send it c/o his work explaining that you have a family, you know about his affair, but that you have decided to give it a go and ask her to leave you both in peace. It might shame her into leaving him alone. I think people who have affairs never thing about the people they are hurting. If you make yourself real to her, it might make it more difficult for her.

utterlyconfused · 19/02/2007 16:54

Well, as far as I can see (which, admittedly isn't very far as you're there and I'm not) he is encouraging her. A conversation takes two people.
You need to talk to him, not her. What's she got to lose, compared to him?

HappyDaddy · 19/02/2007 16:54

Tell him that either he cuts her off completely or he's out. He must understand how it looks to you and he knows he's keeping it simmering by keeping up contact.

No need to warn her off, if he really wants you he'll cut her off himself.

Tortington · 19/02/2007 16:56

tbh i would never fight for my dh. i have pride. i deserve respect. either i get that respect or he can fuck off.

there are somethings easier said than done. but this to me is non negotiable. you go and fuck someone else - you can fuck off.

it seems to me that your dh doesn't think that you are worth it? i would discuss this with him

shimmy21 · 19/02/2007 16:57

hmm -rather than flooring her (do that as well) it seems that its your dh you need to be asking some searching questions. He doesn't sound very committed to making things work with you if he's still keeping secrets and my spacing with her. What the fark does he think he's playing at?

You don't sound paranoid - you sound like a saint to put up with this.

HappyDaddy · 19/02/2007 16:58

And he can't possibly try "i talk to her about work on myspace" bullshit, either.

Mumpbump · 19/02/2007 17:00

I agree with what others have said, but think you need to tackle both of them since he works with her. When you think about all the stuff in the news about stalkers - not that I'm suggesting she is one, but it makes the point that people can be very single-minded in their pursuit of the object of their affections. If he works with her, it might not be so easy to ignore. Personally, I'd try both and, if it doesn't work, suggest that he looks for a job elsewhere if she is continuing to "hassle" him... If it were me, I'd put my relationship with dh over any job...

Overrun · 19/02/2007 17:01

I agree with others, he doesn't sound repentent enough for my liking. He needs to cut off all contact with her, to give you any chance of making your marriage work.
I hope it works out for you though

Original poster

DisturbedElf · 19/02/2007 17:16

TBH Custardo, i always thought I'd be the same as you....until it happened and then I just seemed to roll over!

Mummybump, She knows exactly who I am, She even had the audacity to show up to a Gig He played a couple of weeks ago and then text Him afterwards (She didn't stay long) to say She was really sorry if She'd caused Him any upset by showing up. .

I'd like to believe that it's over...I keep talking to him about it and he assures me that nothing is going on anymore, watch this space.

OP posts:

Muminfife · 19/02/2007 17:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

clarinsgirl · 19/02/2007 17:25

Personally I'd tackle him, not her, she owes you nothing (except common decency which she probably doesn't have). He can't avoid her completely if he is at work, but he doesn't have to text / chat to her on his mobile or via myspace. I don't think you're being paranoid, he has after all had an affair.

I may be reading too much this but 'He decided to stay with me'???? If he has an affair and still gets to call the shots then I think you need to question your status in the relationship.

From the little you've told us, he seems to have got off very lightly and may not have learned that this is NOT acceptable. I think a calm but hard chat is required where you make it absolutely clear what you need from him.

HappyDaddy · 19/02/2007 17:27

He definately thinks he's got away with it. He's being far too cocky.

Mumpbump · 19/02/2007 17:28

Well, if she's that unphazed by the idea of splitting up a marriage, then you have no choice other than to work on your dh. What does he do work-wise? Can he find a new job easily or not? If not, I think you need to point out that whilst he can't avoid her at the work place, there is no reason for him to have any contact with her outside of work and that if he continues to do so, you will be forced to question whether he is really committed to making your relationship work as he clearly isn't prioritising you over her...

Tinkerbel5 · 19/02/2007 19:43

DisturbedElf I dont think he will stop seeing this girl because you arent punishing him, and I get the impression he will carry on having his cake and eating it knowing full well you will forgive him.

Its up to you hun how you deal with this but please tough up and at least scare the shit out of him in some way to show him what he could lose if he did it again.

crispyduck · 19/02/2007 19:54

How awful, this happened to me while I was pregnant with ds!, I never took my exdh back, I just couldn't do it, the trust had gone.
I divorced him after two years seperation, as adultery was hard to prove, unless they both admit to the affair.

Be strong, You have to think of yourself and your children and what is best, please don't stay with him because you a frightened of being on your own.

I am now remarried and he is a fantastic dad to my other two and we also have one child of our own.

Good luck!!!!

Hugs to you xxx

detoxdiva · 19/02/2007 19:55

If you decide that you're going to give your relationship another chance, then you need to agree some ground rules together. He needs to be the one doing all the running to convince you that you can trust him again. Working together is not ideal, as, as long as there is contact between them, their relationship will always be at the front of his mind.

Could he do anything to reduce their time together at work? If not, he has to commit to you, 100%, that he has no further contact with her outside of work.

bothered · 19/02/2007 23:22

My heart goes out to you. I would without a doubt 'floor' the pair of them. I would only take him back on the condition he got another job, there is no way on this earth I could handle him seeing her ever again, never mind on a daily basis. Good luck - your going to need it xx

colditz · 19/02/2007 23:25

I'd throw him out and make him get anbother job if he wanted to move back in. And even then I might not let him.

franki · 20/02/2007 07:47

I'm just getting over the same crap. Mine had an affair with some grl at work. They are now living together in the FMH and I have moved out. It is the beginning of the rot, You have gor tot tackle him: demand to go to counselling and if there is no positive move kick him out . Loads of hugs

paulaplumpbottom · 20/02/2007 09:13

I think its time your DH found another place of employment. I also think the idea of a letter or a calm word with her may be in order.

Honey, you say that he has decided to stay with you. Don't forget that you also decided to keep him. Don't let him make you feel like he is the one who has done you the favor. You may remind him of this if he is the one making you feel this way.

NadineBaggott · 20/02/2007 09:29

he's had his chance and he's still contact with her?

Time for goodbyes, how will you ever trust him?

Pavlovthecat · 20/02/2007 09:35

I would absolutely go round to her house, if you kow where she lives, and 'floor' her. Of course. And then, I would do the same to him, and kick him out. It does not have to be permanently, you need some space, he can think about thing etc, give him a chance to do some grovelling, and show you how much he cares. If he does care. If he does not show it, he is not worth it.

Bugsy2 · 20/02/2007 09:50

I have been where you are now DisturbedElf & my heart goes out to you.
My ex-H had an affair with a work colleague & we decided to make a go of things. However, he seemed unable to end all contact, which was a complete dealbreaker as far as I was concerned.
Your H does have control over this situation. He can tell her to go away & leave you both alone. He can not reply to any emails, texts or phonecalls - but tbh, it sounds to me as though he probably isn't.
I think you need to spell it out to him very clearly how trust cannot be rebuilt as long as he is still in touch with her at all.

Original poster

DisturbedElf · 20/02/2007 20:18

Got accused of being paranoid in a message on Myspace from HER!! She said that there has to be a damn good reason why they can't be friends....so I told her! I'm sick of her whimpering and sucking up to him, I think I've finally grown some, if somewhat small, balls!!

OP posts:

QueenDave · 20/02/2007 20:20

Good for you!

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