Caught DH having an affair....help (long!)

[DisturbedElf]

I've recently found out that my DH has been having an affair with a girl at work. I suspected for a while and it was confirmed when I checked his mobile. Anyway, after several days of stone cold silence interupted by blazing rows, He decided to stay with me and apparently broke it off with her.He must think I'm completely stupid as He now deletes all his messages on his phone....only they show up on his mobile bill. I told him that if he was going to stay with me that any form of contact other than work was just not on to which he looked suitably ashamed and agreed. Trouble is, She just can't seem to stay away. I now know that they talk to each other on MySpace...nothing that would lead me to believe that it's started again, but She's persistent. I think She's trying to get him back any way she can, even though She's known from the start that He has a wife and kids. Any ideas on what to do before I go to her house and floor her? Or am I being paranoid?

Tell her to keep away, your dh has to stop all contact with her or it isn't over. He should really change jobs too is if it is impossible to avoid her at work or he probabyl does not really want to end it , he should be so grateful that you have stayed with him after this and doing erything he can to show you how unimportatn she is.

give me her phone number...

LOL Give us all her phone number.

You need to talk to dh, not her. You need him to prove that he can be trusted. And frankly, he should be looking for another job. Surely he can block her number from his mobile/do something similar with Myspace (block himself from it, if necessary)?

Good for you DisturbedElf for getting some 'balls'.
But it is so important to remember that this is very much your DH's fault also. While she may have no decency about her your DH is the one with a commitment to you and your family and he has broken it.
So while you may hate her (and rightly so) lets identify the 'enemy' here.
Whether or not you stay with him is a personal decision and one that only you can make. That's YOU not her not me nor anyone else and certainly not your DH. You mentioned that he decided to stay with you, that is not his decision to make. You need to maintain control over your life and if he truly wants you to give him another chance he should be willing to do WHATEVER it takes for you to have peace of mind and trust him again. If that was my DH and I wanted to stay I would be suggesting (demanding) he get a new job and cut ALL ties with her (including that Myspace Bullsh*t) just to start with. She may be persistent and sucking up to him but if your DH does not keep encouraging her she will leave you alone. He should be an open book, no text message should be off limits to you, no password protected computer etc. If you continue to lash out at her all your DH will see is that he can have his cake and eat it too i.e You both making each other the enemy and fighting over him, it's just feeding his ego and sending him the message that he can do this whenever he likes with no consequences.
Sorry for the preaching, my sympathies to you.
You are not paranoid! Good luck

You could ban him from MySpace. Get Net nanny or cyber sitter

The bitch - how dare she say your paranoid - I will floor her for you with the greatest of pleasure. Is it a big company where they work? how closely do they work together?

How do you get Net Nanny/Cyber sitter?

i sympathise greatly with you Elf. whilst i've never been in this situation, i've known others who have been. while the woman should have known better, it's your husband i think (my opinion!!) you should be most concerned with "flooring". he betrayed you. not her. (unless this girl was a friend of yours, or otherwise knew you two?)

checking up on your husband - (i've been checked up on by partners) and my advice, if you look, dont be too surprised when you find something. while when i was younger, i snooped on partners, i learned the very hard way that i shouldnt look unless i was prepared to find...

the fact that he is married is probably his lure to this girl.

if he wont leave her alone, you have to ask yourself what YOU want? whats best for YOU and your family? (you didnt mention kids, but i am assuming? sorry if wrong.)

counselling is always another option, but if you dont think he'll be truthful, counselling will not help.

i hope whatever works out does..

Genlay, I agree that they are both to blame and I'm not singling her out and putting it all on her. I've laid the cards on the table and told him that she goes or I do and he's agreed to break all contact. I asked for proof that he's done it too.

Disturbedelf. I'd floor the pair of them, and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she doesn't f$&k off, she'll be in for another kicking.

You are much better behaved than I would be!

As for him, I'd kick him out. Actually, I'd make him move in with her. Once the excitement has worn off (which it inevitably already has because he's been caught.)He'll soon realise what side his bread is buttered.

If he begs you to stay, then you tell him he has 4 weeks to get a new job or he's out!

(But don't listen to me, no really don't, because I'm fiercely loyal, and I expect my nearest and dearest to treat me with the same respect I give them.)

DE - I really hope you find a way to stay strong through this.

I am facing something similar. DH slept with someone, and she has been "there" as a "friend" ever since. Friend my arse.

IMO men are mostly weak and if offered something on a plate, will invariably take it. I told DH to stop contacting her, but she always continued to text/call him, and he couldn't resist.

But before I go off on a rant and hijack your thread, I just wanted to say he has to decide to commit to you 100%, and yes, that means he loses something - his contact with this woman. But that's his own fault. If he hadn't slept with her, he wouldn't have to stop talking to her...

And you are not paranoid. Just wait until she's married and her husband plays away..

Just Google Net Nanny or Cyber Sitter and you can buy them online. You just download them off the site. They cost about £30 each but are worth it , good for Dhs and keeping your kids out of places they shouldn't be. I have both.

Good, make sure you hold him to that. I'd set deadlines and make sure he is held accountable! If he breaks ALL contact why can't you help him to look for a new job, it might help you rebuild your relationship and feel like your starting over. Just work out what you really need to make it work and he should go along with that.
The point I was trying to make with this woman was not that your being to hard on her or it's not her fault just that you have no control over her. It's your DH that you want to spend the rest of your life with so focus on what he does, the rest of the world doesn't matter. Your probably experiencing a lot of anxiety whenever you think of her/them I'm just trying to suggest ways that might help minimize that.

I would very cooly and calmly confront her and be as contempuous as possible.Point out to her that if she is desperate enough to go after a married family man, then she is really very desperate indeed and reccomend that she get herself some sort of help.Preferably do this is in public with the aim of making her feel so small she will hate herself and also be quite humiliated by your cooler than cool response to her patheticness.Whatever you do dont lose your temper or show her any emotion as that will be playing into her hands and will give her amunition to use against you..The little cow.You must be uber cool.And preferably look quite fabulous whilst you are doing it!She is obviously an attention seeker and dealing with her calmly as if she has totaly not fazed you will be the best way to take the wind from her sales..

And as for dh, if you truly want him, I think you will have to sit him down and explain to him the new ground rules and that he stays in your life on your terms or else buggers off.I wouldnt be able to take him working with this woman so one of my terms would be that he look for a new job, but I realise that may not be poss.
I know it will be scary because there is a chance he might choose not to stay but if he's half a brain he will and if not then it will be awful but maybe better in the longrun?

Good luck, thinking of you..

hi my exh had an affair with a colleague at work i knew nothing until one morning i was in the kitchen and his mobile beeped having not normally checked his phone i read " morning it is no problem as she will be away friday night so you know you can stay when you like" i flew up the stairs as he was still in bed whilst i looked after the dc. he said oh shes a friend so i phoned her she denied it all and he hated me calling her infront of him.
he then admitted it and i moved him out 2 years on they are married after 5 months. As for me im getting married in 2009 i have a fantastic partner and we have a son together.
all i can say is get him out if thats what you want they all promise to cut out contact and changing jobs wont help he can still contact her or vice versa.
anything you do will not stop them if thats what they want.

all i can say is one day you will look back and be a better and braver woman no matter what happens!!!
good luck and BE STRONG!!!!

Kick him out.

I've only read the OP.

He promised to end contact with her as a condition of being back with you.

He hasn't.

No excuses for this.

He knows you'll put up with it, that's why he hasn't put his foot down with her.

You deserve better.

You need to forget about her. She wants "in" on your life and when you talk to her online, you give her what she wants, a chance to fight for your husband. The best thing that you can do is pretend that she is insignificant. It's about you and your husband now.

Personally, I think that it's bad enough he slept with someone else, I would kick him out, but you are not me, but 10 times worse that he carried on the deception once you have caught him out and you have supposedly worked things out. It shows a shocking lack of respect.

I would be wondering what my husband thought of me as a human to treat me so badly. He needs to go out of his way to prove to you that he can be trusted again and for me, the first step would be a hearfelt apology, some indication that he understands what he has done, that he wants to make it better. Then, I would want him to decide for himself to get another job so that the wife that he deceived is not eaten up thinking about him at work with someone else. If he doesn't at least offer to do that, what does he think of you?

Just for the flip side i recently experienced this. We are now happier then we have been for a long time and unfortunately it has taken this for us to analyse our relationship. Yes it hurts and yes i am still learning to trust him again but i think you need to make him prove to you that he is sorry and wants to make it work you can't fix this on your own. My DP had to leave his job and abstain from any contact with her and this has been the only way i have been able to get through it. If he wants to stay he owes it to you to help you through this in which ever way you need.x

Conditions I'd insist on If I'd let him back which I doubt.
New job
No PC time at home
New mobile phone number - complete transparency on bills usage

He has transgressed IF he is serious about staying and rebuilding things with you, then he should be happy to allay your fears.

She is a bitch but not at fault HE is the married one who is committing adultery. Attacking her while it might feel great is not the answer.
she is trying to get him back maybe, he is letting her. He is the bad one remember that.
i know on this side of the fence it's so much easier though.