Hi, I know this probably shouldn't be on mumsnet, but I need advice :( I'm not sure where else to go.
Just to say, I'm so sorry in advance for the length of this post, but I need to say everything.
Basically, I'm 23 and a guy, and he's 19. We became best mates at work. We've known each other for around 3 years - as best mates. One day, I got really down because I've always been single. He told me to tell him everything I was scared about. All of this was over Facebook messenger, and I told him everything from worrying about my looks, to worrying about sex, to worrying about my "size".
The conversation lasted around 7-8 hours... the longest chat I think I have ever had over Facebook messenger!
Basically, during the conversation, he told me I had nothing to worry about. He said I was handsome, and basically praised my personality and things, but this is where it changed. He said to me "Sometimes I get a twinge over you".
He's had a girlfriend in the past. I'm bisexual but have never told anyone. It was kind of a shock because I would never have expected him to say something like that. My next question to him was something like "you what?", and he said it again. He then told me sometimes he can't stop looking at my arse in work and it's "nice and peachy".
He then said to me that I should go around to his house. As I was only his best friend, I found this so weird.
Basically, one night in September, I went to his, and we kissed. He obviously enjoyed it, and I really enjoyed it too. I've always been single due to my low confidence so this was my first ever kiss in life (obviously I've kissed family and things, but I mean like a proper tongue kind of kiss).
Meeting up with him has now gone on for weeks. It's December, and is still happening. We have even been to a hotel and slept together - we've not had sex, but have done a lot of things.
BUT...
Last month when we were on a night out, I noticed a weird text from one of his mates (I know this friend of his, and I've always suspected he was gay - not that there is a problem with that). But the message popped up and it said something like "babe" and ended in a kiss. I immediately asked him what it was. He said "oh it's probably nothing or it's song lyrics or he sent it to me wrongly" but he would not show me the message because he said "I am not proving myself to you".
Ever since, I have been so worried he's speaking to that other guy. I'm friends with him on Facebook, and I notice they're online together a lot. If they both go offline, for both their accounts it will say for example "Active 3m ago" - looking like they've been chatting, and then have both gone offline - so they're not talking to anyone else.
The first few weeks we were meeting up, he'd message me things like "morning :)" and want a chat, or he'd send snapchats. It's stopped now though. I am always messaging him first. When we were just friends, I'd always have to message him first though. So for me to have to message him first, I guess that's normal.
I'm just worried sick - I get a dry throat, or my heart feels like it's racing, when I think about him being with someone else.
I asked to meet up with him to have a talk. He looked me in the eye and said "there is no one else". I always trusted him as a best friend. Like I would trust him with my life, or my bank balance (I'm a saver! haha). So in a way, I trust him. He then said to me "what would make you stop worrying?". I said I wanted to see his messages with that guy. He said "I am not proving myself to you. It makes me angry that you'd even think I was with someone else".
He then said to me "where would you like all of this to go?" - neither of us are out of the closet, and so I said "well, i'd like it all to go on for a bit, but I guess it will stop one day. I'd like to remain friends though".
I said to him "can I ask you the same question?"
He said "well, I really wanted a relationship with you".
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Thing is, I've left messaging him for 2 days now. He hasn't messaged me at all. If he liked me that much, wouldn't he have messaged me? Plus him and that guy are online together a lot, and go offline together a lot. It's not always like that, but it happens quite a bit.
I really don't know what to do?
Is he...
Not messaging me because he never messaged first as a friend anyway?
Seeing that other guy? But because that guy lives about 40 miles away, it's harder to see him so he's using me as his "experience", and he fancies that other guy instead?
Actually telling the truth, and wants me, but is he scared to come out? I'm scared of coming out, but if he wanted a relationship that bad, I'd announce it in minutes and be with him in a heartbeat. He's one of these "lad" guys, and has a lot of friends he goes with to watch football and I think he might think "oh they might disown me?"
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I can't stop thinking about him. He was my first kiss and he's just really lovely. He's brought my confidence out so much as a friend, and I love doing things with him now. I wake up with him on my mind, and he's basically on my mind all throughout the day.
What do I do? Do I forget about him or move on? Or do I ask him again about this relationship stuff? Or is he not messaging me because he'd rather message someone else? He tells me he doesn't want to stop doing anything and wants a relationship, but then I worry he doesn't actually want me?
Thank you so so so much and I'm sorry about the length of this.
Thank you!