I'm a guy, and he's a guy. SO confused :(

[user1482148406]

Hi, I know this probably shouldn't be on mumsnet, but I need advice :( I'm not sure where else to go.

Just to say, I'm so sorry in advance for the length of this post, but I need to say everything.

Basically, I'm 23 and a guy, and he's 19. We became best mates at work. We've known each other for around 3 years - as best mates. One day, I got really down because I've always been single. He told me to tell him everything I was scared about. All of this was over Facebook messenger, and I told him everything from worrying about my looks, to worrying about sex, to worrying about my "size".

The conversation lasted around 7-8 hours... the longest chat I think I have ever had over Facebook messenger!

Basically, during the conversation, he told me I had nothing to worry about. He said I was handsome, and basically praised my personality and things, but this is where it changed. He said to me "Sometimes I get a twinge over you".

He's had a girlfriend in the past. I'm bisexual but have never told anyone. It was kind of a shock because I would never have expected him to say something like that. My next question to him was something like "you what?", and he said it again. He then told me sometimes he can't stop looking at my arse in work and it's "nice and peachy".

He then said to me that I should go around to his house. As I was only his best friend, I found this so weird.

Basically, one night in September, I went to his, and we kissed. He obviously enjoyed it, and I really enjoyed it too. I've always been single due to my low confidence so this was my first ever kiss in life (obviously I've kissed family and things, but I mean like a proper tongue kind of kiss).

Meeting up with him has now gone on for weeks. It's December, and is still happening. We have even been to a hotel and slept together - we've not had sex, but have done a lot of things.

BUT...

Last month when we were on a night out, I noticed a weird text from one of his mates (I know this friend of his, and I've always suspected he was gay - not that there is a problem with that). But the message popped up and it said something like "babe" and ended in a kiss. I immediately asked him what it was. He said "oh it's probably nothing or it's song lyrics or he sent it to me wrongly" but he would not show me the message because he said "I am not proving myself to you".

Ever since, I have been so worried he's speaking to that other guy. I'm friends with him on Facebook, and I notice they're online together a lot. If they both go offline, for both their accounts it will say for example "Active 3m ago" - looking like they've been chatting, and then have both gone offline - so they're not talking to anyone else.

The first few weeks we were meeting up, he'd message me things like "morning :)" and want a chat, or he'd send snapchats. It's stopped now though. I am always messaging him first. When we were just friends, I'd always have to message him first though. So for me to have to message him first, I guess that's normal.

I'm just worried sick - I get a dry throat, or my heart feels like it's racing, when I think about him being with someone else.

I asked to meet up with him to have a talk. He looked me in the eye and said "there is no one else". I always trusted him as a best friend. Like I would trust him with my life, or my bank balance (I'm a saver! haha). So in a way, I trust him. He then said to me "what would make you stop worrying?". I said I wanted to see his messages with that guy. He said "I am not proving myself to you. It makes me angry that you'd even think I was with someone else".

He then said to me "where would you like all of this to go?" - neither of us are out of the closet, and so I said "well, i'd like it all to go on for a bit, but I guess it will stop one day. I'd like to remain friends though".

I said to him "can I ask you the same question?"

He said "well, I really wanted a relationship with you".

=====

Thing is, I've left messaging him for 2 days now. He hasn't messaged me at all. If he liked me that much, wouldn't he have messaged me? Plus him and that guy are online together a lot, and go offline together a lot. It's not always like that, but it happens quite a bit.

I really don't know what to do?

Is he...

Not messaging me because he never messaged first as a friend anyway?

Seeing that other guy? But because that guy lives about 40 miles away, it's harder to see him so he's using me as his "experience", and he fancies that other guy instead?

Actually telling the truth, and wants me, but is he scared to come out? I'm scared of coming out, but if he wanted a relationship that bad, I'd announce it in minutes and be with him in a heartbeat. He's one of these "lad" guys, and has a lot of friends he goes with to watch football and I think he might think "oh they might disown me?"

=====

I can't stop thinking about him. He was my first kiss and he's just really lovely. He's brought my confidence out so much as a friend, and I love doing things with him now. I wake up with him on my mind, and he's basically on my mind all throughout the day.

What do I do? Do I forget about him or move on? Or do I ask him again about this relationship stuff? Or is he not messaging me because he'd rather message someone else? He tells me he doesn't want to stop doing anything and wants a relationship, but then I worry he doesn't actually want me?

Thank you so so so much and I'm sorry about the length of this.

Thank you!

UPDATE...

Hey everyone!

When I put in my post about him always online with another guy... it turns out he was already with that guy, and seeing me.

So the reason he didn't message me loads, was he was already with someone else.

I feel heartbroken. He said he wanted a relationship with me.

I only got about an hour sleep last night... panic attacks, racing heartbeat... dry mouth and feeling sick. Worst I've ever felt.

Oh blimey, I'm new to this thread, but I've just read it all and I did wonder.

You remind me very much of a friend of mine ( a little older than you) and I know how hard he's found it to deal with the ups and downs of relationships. The fact you posted meant you knew something was up. You sound a total sweetie and I truly hope you can move past this.

I just loved him so much and I just feel so upset and heartbroken.

Honey, you will. That's what losing first love is all about. It's awful, it's gut wrenching and you feel as if nothing will ever get better. It takes time but it will get better. You will heal, and move on. Just don't rush or let yourself be scared of feeling again. Give it time. x

Sorry to hear this. You are very young and I'm sure there's someone out there for you who will bring all the exciting feelings but also a feeling of security and trust. x

I'm so sorry that he's hurt you.

I wonder if it would be wise to separate coming out from a relationship, it seems a lot of pressure on the relationship to hang "I told everyone I was bisexual for this" on it especially if you find coming out difficult.

Maybe once you have recovered from this hurt you could consider whether it would be OK for you to come out to your close family and friends so that it is not an obstacle for future relationships.

Argh... this is really shit. I'm sorry your first go at a relationship with someone has ended up like this, it's pretty shit!

I think in time you'll come to see it as a pretty valuable learning experience - you've learned quite a bit about yourself really I think.

You've learned that you are not really comfortable with sex unless in a relationship.

You've learned that you feel being honest and open about who you are is an important part of who you want to be in a relationship.

That you are prepared to put yourself outside your comfort zone for someone you really like.

That you can tell people your feelings.

That you should trust your gut if it tells you to be anxious/something isn't right. You were spot on about his character re coming out.

It's sad for you right now but I have learned that it's the tough experiences in my life that have given me a strength of character. One of my best experiences was plucking up the courage to ask someone I really liked out and being turned down flat. I was a bit gutted but I quickly realised the world hadn't ended and I was mainly proud I had done it, been refused and everything was fine.

It is so hard when someone is dishonest like this. Very hard to get over but it is not about you, it is his weakness as a person. My advice would be to use your twenties to try and push yourself a bit re dating and relationships, ask people out if you like them, try not to live too much in your head, try to find love for yourself from inside and do not allow your feelings about yourself to become dependent on other people. Do not let anyone make you feel bad about setting your own boundaries, having your own feelings or wanting the things you want...

Mate, gay man here....I feel for you. I ended with my first love of over 20 years a while back...and my advice to you is......yes its painful....very much so..life literally ends.....but as the pain slowly subsides....the true reality of your experience sets in and life goes on. It may not feel like it right now, but you will be fine in time and its a cliche...but....you'll learn from this awful event and be happy once again. You're clearly a lovely guy, and that will set you in good stead for the future...I wish you the best ;0)

So sorry to read this although possibly the signs weren't too good.

Can I suggest you use this as a chance to sort yourself out a little? If you are gay or bi come out now and own it. Then you won't have that whole thing hanging over you. It's entirely up to you who and how you start the process. Maybe even get some counselling? Find some similar friends and build slowly.

He's a rat, in time you will see that and be glad you got out when you did.

I'm sorry to hear this - it looks like a real head f*ck. I think that because none of you are officially out then it has given him the opportunity to deceive both you and the other guy.

In the future though, if someone asks you what you want from a relationship be honest it's the only way. None of us like to lay ourselves open to hurt but it could happen anyway if you're not honest.

Having a broken heart is horrible. It's the worst thing ever. But you will find someone trustworthy. If you were to stay with this guy you would never be able to trust him again. He was supposed to be your friend and he did this to you?

Hi there everyone!

The night I found out, Saturday night, I came out to my Mum and told her everything.

The other guy (who he was seeing), knows about all of this but is staying with him.

When he started going out with this other guy, he was also with a girl. So not only has he been seeing me, and the other guy both together... he was also seeing that other guy the same time as his girlfriend.

I am angry, upset, and just heartbroken. I wanted it to go somewhere. One thing i will say, it pleases me that he started seeing me during his other relationship. It wasn't like he was seeing me, then started with that other guy.

He was my best friend and now I don't want to know him. Just feel like crying every minute of the day.

Sorry - I didn't mean for that to sound like I'm pleased he was cheating.

I just mean it's not like he got bored of me and went off with someone else.

I always suspected something, and I'm glad I've found out.

I just can't believe the other guy is staying with him. He's cheated on his girlfriend, me, and that other guy. Just can't believe it.

Unfortunately it seems like your "best friend" is not the person you thought. I'm so sorry. It feels horrible to find out not only that you don't matter to someone else in the way you hoped, but that you were wrong about their character.

However, it WILL get much better, I promise. Offred upthread had some great advice for you. I would add to it these suggestions:

• Go NC with him for a while. Block or hide him on all forms of social media, write his number down somewhere but delete it from your phone. Every time you speak to him or stalk him online is picking the scab. Going no contact will help you heal and move on faster, I promise.
• I'd seek out an LGBTQ community of some sort, maybe online at first since sadly I hear local groups can be riddled with older men keen to prey on vulnerable newbies. Are you at a uni/college where they have an LBGTQ society of some sort, or if you work for a big employer do they have an LGBTQ group? You don't have to get a Grindr account and start hitting the bars, it sounds like that isn't your style anyway, but I think you will feel stronger if you start to build a circle of people who understand, even if it's virtual at first.
• I'd think about some counselling generally to help build your self esteem and deal with your anxieties. You are clearly a lovely person who could use a bit of help believing in how lovely you are, and how awesome a partner you deserve.

Good luck.

Aww good luck op. You sound so nice xx

Thank you everyone all so much for your kind words.

I got really bad anxiety once. So bad I couldn't even go to the local shopping centre. I had CBT counselling for 2 months. I love photography, and ended up travelling 110 miles to London all by myself, on the Underground by myself, which I was scared of, and I got my camera out and took photos of Big Ben at sunset. Everyone said the photos were brilliant. I know that doesn't seem like a lot to some people, but it was a huge step for me.

I will never be able to look at that photo without smiling. It reminds me of getting rid of my worries. That day made me proud of myself. I did that trip before the last session of my CBT. I showed my counsellor, and she was crying - in a happy way, because of how far I'd come.

As for this "friend", I have other friends. He has done a lot for me, but he has basically cheated on 3 people. I always thought I could trust him, but clearly I shouldn't anymore.

I'm bisexual though. I'd have a relationship with either a guy or a girl. Someone told me with relationships, it's best for it to come to you. All I've been doing, is looking on Tinder, or going on nights out looking and things, but I'm going to stop. I'm going to let love find me.

Thank you all so much. I appreciate all of this so much and would love to hug you all right now x

P.S. I'm not sure how I got that username, but my name is Scott. I'm not a bad person. I've always cared about other people before myself really, and I've never thought much of myself. But, all of this has shown that I do care, and I know that I would never cheat on anyone or do that to a "best mate".

Hi Scott
You're allocated an automatic usernumber name on registration. You can change this if you go to the My Mumsnet part of the site, icon is top right side and your Account Details. Just type in a new screename there.

I'm sorry you've been hurt, but gay, bi or straight, this kind of deception happens. The guy you felt for, is not who he made himself out to be and ultimately you've been saved the pain of being cheated on when you thought you were in a stable relationship.

Nurse your feelings for a while and then look on it as a steep learning curve. Remember that not everyone is who they appear to be. Try not to be overly cynical, just bear in mind that if your gut tells you things aren't stacking up, then you're more than probably right.

One positive to come out of it is you've told your mum and possibly learnt a hard lesson that everyone isn't as they seem.

Try your local bisexual group to meet new people. Most of them have facebook groups if you're on there and they are very inclusive.

You're strong and have your whole future ahead of you. Good luck

I'm not sure about relationships right now or joining clubs.

I'll just go with the flow and see what happens, live every day as it comes.

Thank you x

You sound lovely, he sounds like a right shit.

Every one of us here, ok, most, have had horrendous heartbreak, it's part of an essential learning curve in the world of relationships.

You could choose to look at it as a very valuable lesson, he's handed you knowledge, that you'll take forward and use in future relationships, that's quite a gift!

How was your Mum? Supportive? I hope so, you deserve it.

I just join on facebook, only go to the odd event once or twice a year or so. More so I can go in my head 'yay, there are people like me' as I have some gay friends but know not one single other bisexual person in my close circle.

Plenty of time ahead of you, enjoy your new life conquering your anxiety. CBT worked wonders for me

Sorry to hear you had such a rollercoaster with this other guy! You sound really nice, I hope love will find you soon, with someone honest, kind and decent :)

Ah so sorry it didn't work and you've been left feeling cheated and heartbroken. Some people feel it's ok to play the field and date several people at once until committing to a serious relationship but he should have been honest with you from the start.

In time you'll realise this relationship wasn't right for you but for now just concentrate on looking after yourself and remember, it wasn't your fault. Try not to take it personally or think you did something wrong.

It's great you've felt able to come out to your mum though and I hope she can be a support for you.

Thank you everyone. Your kindness means a lot.

I just feel heartbroken and I just feel like "wasn't I good enough"? :'(

(changed my username by the way).

Hey, Scott, I am late to your thread and have just caught up with things.

Sorry that your first love turned out to be a two-timing shit.
Having your heart broken is always horrible and hope you feel better v soon.

I'm glad you came out to your mother and hope her reaction was a nice one

You sound lovely, and maybe too lovely.
Please consider doing some active work on your self-esteem and make a point of valuing yourself, loving yourself enough to ensure you don't tolerate being messed about by others.

It sounds to me that 'he' was not good enough for you and thankfully you found out (admittedly the hard way) before you had wasted too much time on somebody who was not worth your love and devotion.
Have strong boundaries of what you accept from others and what you don't.

A good relationship should add to your life, make it better and funner and brighter, make you feel better and funner and brighter , not leave you insecure, worried and wondering were you went wrong.

Take v good care of you.
I hope you find a way to see this experience as something that made you grow as a person and that you can go forward feeling good about how you handled it all.

Scott :) I suffered from anxiety - which was so crippling that I was agoraphobic for years - just wouldn't go out on my own. Slowly after my son was born I started to recover, and when he was 2 I planned and booked a holiday down to London (from Scotland) and then to Devon to visit my MIL just me and the little one (my husband would normally have done all the organising, and the previous time we had been in London I had had several panick attacks about the crowds despite being with him).

I loved my trip, and really felt it ended that chapter of fear in my life, know how important that photo is to you.

I'm glad you've come out to your mum and hope you can look at your photo and remember to "be Scott", be yourself, follow your own happiness in your life and relationships going forward. When you find relationships (or they find you) always seek to have them add to that happiness, not drama and angst.