Now at 43 i realise why people have affairs

[Winniethepooer]

My 17 year relationship is unhappy. Has been for ages.

I've known a man for about 25 years. Friend of a friend. Nice bloke. Married with dc.

We started chatting on fb about work.
The messages progressed.

I was very tempted as was he, but we decided not to take it any futher or to meet up.

But i wanted too. I am incredibly attracted to him.

I suddenly understand why people have affairs. Never 'got it' before.

Ultimately for me, I couldn't continue as i know his wife & dc, be it not very well.

Dp has no idea. Its made me realise how poor my relationship is.

[AnyFucker]

I think it needs changing too, Luna

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I too think that you posted a useful thread, Winnie. I've always maintained that unless you've been in the position of being about to walk into an affair that you really don't know. You can suppose and guess and imagine all you like. You've had the experience of getting to the point of no return - and walking away. You'll recognise that point and won't mistake it for anything else if you see it again.

There are lots of posters who leap onto threads like this at the speed of light to protest, hotly contest and attempt to curtail discussion. It's not helpful although it can be illuminating to get an idea of how fearful people are about this taboo subject.

There are so many people having affairs and it's just not talked about. Everything about them is clandestine and secretive and perhaps that adds a certain fillip to them? My own experience is that a wife can never exude the sparkle that an OW can and an OW can never experience the drabness of even a happy marriage that the wife can. Marriages can be stale and boring at times and that's a given really. Sign on the dotted line and for some, it's an excuse not to put in the effort, just keep things ticking over. For some, ticking over is just fine, it's less terrifying than challenging or rocking the boat or giving in to temptation of somebody else.

I don't think people can really comment on your situation, Winnie and the glib and pat responses are a bit irritating. Thank you for posting the thread.

[GutInstinct]

I agree with AF that in order to have the conversation about backing off there was obviously something which led both of them to the same realisation about feelings. That being said, I think that it's difficult to define an emotional affair, because for one person it might be a man and a woman who are constantly talking, constantly texting, confiding their secrets in each other and even talking sexually, whereas for others the instant a man and woman become friends they consider it an emotional affair. In fact I've seen posters on MN do the same.

IMO there needs to be more of a middle ground thinking on affairs. Currently on MN the thinking is that the world is divided into those who never would, and those who admit that it could happen to anyone/have done, and never the two shall meet. But it's a naive assumption to suggest that the never would's are good and the nights/have's are evil. People do stupid things. Sometimes people are desperately unhappy, and sometimes people are bastards who don't care about anyone but themselves. But given even murderers rarely serve full life sentences, and we often take into account the fact that something may well have led them to commit the crimes they did, this black and white view of people who have affairs is interesting really.

[wizzywig]

Id be gutted if my husband messaged another person saying they wished they could be open with them and not me

[Matrixreloaded]

Its made me realise how poor my relationship is.

A spouse cannot compete with the excitement of an affair. What have you done over the last several years about your unhappy marriage?