Now at 43 i realise why people have affairs

[Winniethepooer]

My 17 year relationship is unhappy. Has been for ages.

I've known a man for about 25 years. Friend of a friend. Nice bloke. Married with dc.

We started chatting on fb about work.
The messages progressed.

I was very tempted as was he, but we decided not to take it any futher or to meet up.

But i wanted too. I am incredibly attracted to him.

I suddenly understand why people have affairs. Never 'got it' before.

Ultimately for me, I couldn't continue as i know his wife & dc, be it not very well.

Dp has no idea. Its made me realise how poor my relationship is.

[Matrixreloaded]

Its made me realise how poor my relationship is.

A spouse cannot compete with the excitement of an affair. What have you done over the last several years about your unhappy marriage?

[wizzywig]

Id be gutted if my husband messaged another person saying they wished they could be open with them and not me

[GutInstinct]

I agree with AF that in order to have the conversation about backing off there was obviously something which led both of them to the same realisation about feelings. That being said, I think that it's difficult to define an emotional affair, because for one person it might be a man and a woman who are constantly talking, constantly texting, confiding their secrets in each other and even talking sexually, whereas for others the instant a man and woman become friends they consider it an emotional affair. In fact I've seen posters on MN do the same.

IMO there needs to be more of a middle ground thinking on affairs. Currently on MN the thinking is that the world is divided into those who never would, and those who admit that it could happen to anyone/have done, and never the two shall meet. But it's a naive assumption to suggest that the never would's are good and the nights/have's are evil. People do stupid things. Sometimes people are desperately unhappy, and sometimes people are bastards who don't care about anyone but themselves. But given even murderers rarely serve full life sentences, and we often take into account the fact that something may well have led them to commit the crimes they did, this black and white view of people who have affairs is interesting really.

[LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726]

I too think that you posted a useful thread, Winnie. I've always maintained that unless you've been in the position of being about to walk into an affair that you really don't know. You can suppose and guess and imagine all you like. You've had the experience of getting to the point of no return - and walking away. You'll recognise that point and won't mistake it for anything else if you see it again.

There are lots of posters who leap onto threads like this at the speed of light to protest, hotly contest and attempt to curtail discussion. It's not helpful although it can be illuminating to get an idea of how fearful people are about this taboo subject.

There are so many people having affairs and it's just not talked about. Everything about them is clandestine and secretive and perhaps that adds a certain fillip to them? My own experience is that a wife can never exude the sparkle that an OW can and an OW can never experience the drabness of even a happy marriage that the wife can. Marriages can be stale and boring at times and that's a given really. Sign on the dotted line and for some, it's an excuse not to put in the effort, just keep things ticking over. For some, ticking over is just fine, it's less terrifying than challenging or rocking the boat or giving in to temptation of somebody else.

I don't think people can really comment on your situation, Winnie and the glib and pat responses are a bit irritating. Thank you for posting the thread.

[AnyFucker]

I think it needs changing too, Luna

[LunaJuna]

But I would say that most people who blew it to smithereens by having an affair wish, with hindsight, they had ended it more ethically.

I agree with that.
But is also very true when Gut said that society doesn't accept someone leaving a marriage because they're not happy, specially women with younger children. This need changing

[GabsAlot]

i nearly ruined my relationship years ago with an online fling i dont know why i did it

my then fiance was heartborken-what i did was wrong but u realise that and stopped


sorry yore unhappy op-maybe try and work on that for yourself

[AnyFucker]

Your marriage was abusive, GI

I am glad you left it. Getting back to op's situation, she has said her marriage is "dead". I wonder if her husband knows it is "dead". She doesn't say what efforts have been made to save it or whether discussions have been had to exit it (which I would support, just not via the medium of having an affair). Nobody should stay in a marriage that is no longer working for them. But I would say that most people who blew it to smithereens by having an affair wish, with hindsight, they had ended it more ethically.

I don't see a problem with pointing out the reality of her behaviour to op. It's not "flaming" and it's not being a bitch to do so.

[stealtheatingtunnocks]

OP, you're 43 and have grandchildren?

I'm jealous, I'm 44 and broody. Keep looking at my 12 year old and thinking "grow up, make me a grandma".

[LunaJuna]

I love GutInstinct posts

[stumblymonkey]

OP....what about your marriage...you say it's been dead for 3 or 4 years.

It sounds like a lonely existence to me to be in a marriage that I considered 'dead'. Why is it dead?

Can it be revived? What would that take?

[LunaJuna]

Oh OP, threads like this on MN always result in flaming...

I agree. No one is 100% safe from being cheated on or cheating.
Social media is bringing infidelity to a shocking new level but it still causes a lot of pain.
I think people like the excitement that comes with variety and the feeling of being alive.
At the same time I don't believe anyone sign up for a marriage to cheat on their spouses. Relationships are not black and white and things do go wrong, but it is best not to follow that route because it is a messy one.

[GutInstinct]

Only when society accepts that it is ok to leave a relationship for any reason will people stop having affairs in order to help them realise that they are in bad relationships.

Because society doesn't accept that. Even on MN it is not accepted. If a poster posts here that her H has said he's not in love with her any more and wants out he's still branded a selfish bastard and she is still considered an innocent victim. And yet why shouldn't he be allowed to fall out of love and end the relationship if he chooses?

It's not a secret from my previous posts that I had an affair. An affair which ultimately ended my emotionally abusive marriage. I had talked about leaving before, but whenever I did people always just assumed that we would work it out, because there wasn't any violence or infidelity in the picture. And then I had an affair. Actually, I slept with him just once, and after that I knew that I couldn't carry on in my marriage. It wasn't about sex, it was about realising that there are people out there who might want me for me, after I'd been isolated by my h for years.

But when the affair came out, even those who knew the back story still condemned me, and one even said to me that I'd obviously ensured that the marriage was over, because the only acceptable reasons to end a marriage are violence and infidelity.

I've been told on here even that I had no regard for anyone and just went after a cheap shag. Actually that couldn't be further from the truth. It wouldn't have bothered me if I'd never had sex again, but the way in which he isolated me from family and friends, questioned my every move, gaslighted me into thinking I was the one with the issue, were all things which I had known for years, but which were highlighted when I started talking to someone who saw a different picture.

I am now with a new partner (not the OM,) and I can hand on heart say that I would never do it again. The fallout certainly wasn't worth it, and the way it makes you feel about yourself given other people's opinions is a high price to pay.

But affairs just aren't as black and white as "once a cheat, always a cheat."

[AnyFucker]

I recommend "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. It explains it well. That the person doing the cheating is giving less to the primary relationship because their headspace, emotions and thoughts are elsewhere. In much the same way that fidelia says, it separates you and makes it easier to justify your own behaviour.

[AnyFucker]

Rolanda, if you wish to support the op you do it your way, I will do it mine

I don't see how derailing the thread with vicious, unprompted personal attacks helps anybody at all

[Esoteric]

I totally understand this, I think it often happens when life gets a bit 'meh' , in my first marriage I was the guilty person, husband spent all his money on football and down the pub, this time I'm on the receiving end after 20 years I believe of what I think is an emotional affair, certainly it's messaging to someone we know over and above what I am personally ok with, it came out, he said it's stopped, it hasn't , it's just gone to WhatsApp. I'm lining my ducks up and deciding what to do, I know he will say it's a huge over reaction and it's just friends but to me the fact it's all secret and being wiped (but I can track online even though he deleted his time stamp) has totally eroded my trust and sense of 'us'. Personally I find emotional affairs worse as it goes on and on , I think I could have dealt with a ONS easier!

[RolandaHooch]

So Fidelia, it seems it was I who touched a nerve with you.

[RolandaHooch]

You could well be correct Anyfucker. But are you on anyone's on here? It's not real life you know.

[RolandaHooch]

Oh Fidelia, really? Not everyone has had an affair you know. An unbiased opinion often isn't wanted on this forum.

[AnyFucker]

I expect I am off Rolanda's Xmas card list then

[dementedma]

rolanda you beat me to it!

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I think women who have affairs are generally a bit "broken", but the men, hmm, not so much.

Sorry but that is just another way of saying it's ok for women to cheat but not men.