Now at 43 i realise why people have affairs

[Winniethepooer]

My 17 year relationship is unhappy. Has been for ages.

I've known a man for about 25 years. Friend of a friend. Nice bloke. Married with dc.

We started chatting on fb about work.
The messages progressed.

I was very tempted as was he, but we decided not to take it any futher or to meet up.

But i wanted too. I am incredibly attracted to him.

I suddenly understand why people have affairs. Never 'got it' before.

Ultimately for me, I couldn't continue as i know his wife & dc, be it not very well.

Dp has no idea. Its made me realise how poor my relationship is.

No one has the conversation "let's decide not to take this further" out of the blue

Op knows he was "tempted", OM knows she was "tempted". It's not difficult to imagine the kind of conversations that get you to that point

There would have been exchanges way before that neither would have been in all conscience been able to explain away as "harmless" to their respective partners.

It was an emotional affair

I'd like to offer up a different perspective on this.

In my first marriage, I had a few affairs. It's so easy to say that I must have been a terrible person. I'm not. I was totally broken.

I met ExH when I was 16. Started dating him at 17. Married him at 20. I was totally faithful to him, and he was the only man I had ever been with. When I was 33, I found out that for our entire relationship, he had been sleeping with other women - at least 10 women that I knew of, and I suspect a few more.

I decided to forgive him, as we had small children by then, but he carried on hitting on other women, even more obviously than before! Looking back, I think I had an emotional breakdown. The lies and gaslighting, struggling to bring up my children, I felt like I was wading through treacle, trying to keep it all together. He tried to sleep with all of my friends. He did sleep with my best friend in the world (no longer a friend!) He tried it on with my mum, my sister....no-one was immune from his sexual advances. He was also violent on occasion.

Anyway, fast forward another 4 years (so, 37 years old now) and I was in a bar with friends, and I got chatted up by a very handsome guy. At the end of the night, he moved in to kiss me. And I let him. Because what the hell was there left to be broken?

I went on after that to have a few affairs, whilst planning an exit strategy. And I don't feel guilty at all. But....I think women who have affairs are generally a bit "broken", but the men, hmm, not so much. I think they can separate sex and love far more easily. I know now, that I was utterly broken and not of sound mind at that time. And tbh, the affairs don't really help. Well, they help you see that you can enjoy the company of another guy. But invariably they break you further, because these men can't commit and you get hurt, which compounds the awful emotional state that you are in.

I am now re-married and I will never cheat on DH. I am emotionally stable again and in love with him.

I hate it when people say "once a cheat, always a cheat". It's actually not in my nature to cheat at all. I'm a home body. I want monogamy.

People don't realise what sometimes drives a person to cheat. What they've been through.

2 of my friends have had affairs. They were definitely at an emotional rock bottom, verging on full breakdown at the time.

I think women who have affairs are generally a bit "broken", but the men, hmm, not so much.

Sorry but that is just another way of saying it's ok for women to cheat but not men.

rolanda you beat me to it!

I expect I am off Rolanda's Xmas card list then

Oh Fidelia, really? Not everyone has had an affair you know. An unbiased opinion often isn't wanted on this forum.

You could well be correct Anyfucker. But are you on anyone's on here? It's not real life you know.

So Fidelia, it seems it was I who touched a nerve with you.

I totally understand this, I think it often happens when life gets a bit 'meh' , in my first marriage I was the guilty person, husband spent all his money on football and down the pub, this time I'm on the receiving end after 20 years I believe of what I think is an emotional affair, certainly it's messaging to someone we know over and above what I am personally ok with, it came out, he said it's stopped, it hasn't , it's just gone to WhatsApp. I'm lining my ducks up and deciding what to do, I know he will say it's a huge over reaction and it's just friends but to me the fact it's all secret and being wiped (but I can track online even though he deleted his time stamp) has totally eroded my trust and sense of 'us'. Personally I find emotional affairs worse as it goes on and on , I think I could have dealt with a ONS easier!

Rolanda, if you wish to support the op you do it your way, I will do it mine

I don't see how derailing the thread with vicious, unprompted personal attacks helps anybody at all

I recommend "Not just friends" by Shirley Glass. It explains it well. That the person doing the cheating is giving less to the primary relationship because their headspace, emotions and thoughts are elsewhere. In much the same way that fidelia says, it separates you and makes it easier to justify your own behaviour.

Only when society accepts that it is ok to leave a relationship for any reason will people stop having affairs in order to help them realise that they are in bad relationships.

Because society doesn't accept that. Even on MN it is not accepted. If a poster posts here that her H has said he's not in love with her any more and wants out he's still branded a selfish bastard and she is still considered an innocent victim. And yet why shouldn't he be allowed to fall out of love and end the relationship if he chooses?

It's not a secret from my previous posts that I had an affair. An affair which ultimately ended my emotionally abusive marriage. I had talked about leaving before, but whenever I did people always just assumed that we would work it out, because there wasn't any violence or infidelity in the picture. And then I had an affair. Actually, I slept with him just once, and after that I knew that I couldn't carry on in my marriage. It wasn't about sex, it was about realising that there are people out there who might want me for me, after I'd been isolated by my h for years.

But when the affair came out, even those who knew the back story still condemned me, and one even said to me that I'd obviously ensured that the marriage was over, because the only acceptable reasons to end a marriage are violence and infidelity.

I've been told on here even that I had no regard for anyone and just went after a cheap shag. Actually that couldn't be further from the truth. It wouldn't have bothered me if I'd never had sex again, but the way in which he isolated me from family and friends, questioned my every move, gaslighted me into thinking I was the one with the issue, were all things which I had known for years, but which were highlighted when I started talking to someone who saw a different picture.

I am now with a new partner (not the OM,) and I can hand on heart say that I would never do it again. The fallout certainly wasn't worth it, and the way it makes you feel about yourself given other people's opinions is a high price to pay.

But affairs just aren't as black and white as "once a cheat, always a cheat."

Oh OP, threads like this on MN always result in flaming...

I agree. No one is 100% safe from being cheated on or cheating.
Social media is bringing infidelity to a shocking new level but it still causes a lot of pain.
I think people like the excitement that comes with variety and the feeling of being alive.
At the same time I don't believe anyone sign up for a marriage to cheat on their spouses. Relationships are not black and white and things do go wrong, but it is best not to follow that route because it is a messy one.

OP....what about your marriage...you say it's been dead for 3 or 4 years.

It sounds like a lonely existence to me to be in a marriage that I considered 'dead'. Why is it dead?

Can it be revived? What would that take?

I love GutInstinct posts

OP, you're 43 and have grandchildren?

I'm jealous, I'm 44 and broody. Keep looking at my 12 year old and thinking "grow up, make me a grandma".

Your marriage was abusive, GI

I am glad you left it. Getting back to op's situation, she has said her marriage is "dead". I wonder if her husband knows it is "dead". She doesn't say what efforts have been made to save it or whether discussions have been had to exit it (which I would support, just not via the medium of having an affair). Nobody should stay in a marriage that is no longer working for them. But I would say that most people who blew it to smithereens by having an affair wish, with hindsight, they had ended it more ethically.

I don't see a problem with pointing out the reality of her behaviour to op. It's not "flaming" and it's not being a bitch to do so.

i nearly ruined my relationship years ago with an online fling i dont know why i did it

my then fiance was heartborken-what i did was wrong but u realise that and stopped

sorry yore unhappy op-maybe try and work on that for yourself

But I would say that most people who blew it to smithereens by having an affair wish, with hindsight, they had ended it more ethically.

I agree with that.
But is also very true when Gut said that society doesn't accept someone leaving a marriage because they're not happy, specially women with younger children. This need changing