Now at 43 i realise why people have affairs

[Winniethepooer]

My 17 year relationship is unhappy. Has been for ages.

I've known a man for about 25 years. Friend of a friend. Nice bloke. Married with dc.

We started chatting on fb about work.
The messages progressed.

I was very tempted as was he, but we decided not to take it any futher or to meet up.

But i wanted too. I am incredibly attracted to him.

I suddenly understand why people have affairs. Never 'got it' before.

Ultimately for me, I couldn't continue as i know his wife & dc, be it not very well.

Dp has no idea. Its made me realise how poor my relationship is.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

so you acted with integrity.

Depends how far the 'messages' went tbh.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

I do not perceive myself as OW type. I don't know any O.W my point is, i don't wear makeup, wear jeans & trainers. Spend my days in parks & soft play/schools or playgroups.

Of course that's how all OW are.

Stop being so ridiculous.

What is it you want posters to say? You admit you could have carried on if no one found out.

If you are unhappy in your marriage the either work on it or leave.

[DirtyBlonde]

"My relationship is dead. Has been for 3/4 years."

Deal with that, then find a lovely new man.

Not the other way round.

(And it should so without saying, choose a new man who is single and genuine,y available to participate in the type of relationship you want)

[Winniethepooer]

Seriously can a person not express an opionion on MN?

That was my view of OW. I do not think thats ridiculous!

[mortificado]

Leaveittothediaminds. My thought exactly.

Although op. I understand what your saying

[Winniethepooer]

My point being i wasn't looking for a new dp.

[mortificado]

Leaveittothediva. Not diamonds!

[crje]

I'm fucking done. I'd never do this all again, not for fking diamonds

My sentiments exactly

I'm one and done

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

Seriously can a person not express an opionion on MN?

Errrrr yes of course they can. People don't however have to agree with you.

That was my view of OW. I do not think thats ridiculous!

You admit you would probably be a OW if you could get away with it.

Your view of OW imo is ridiculous

HTH

[AnyFucker]

Sounds like you had an affair, op

An emotional affair. Some people think only when a penis is inserted in a vagina is it "an affair". I beg to differ.

[Winniethepooer]

As do i AnyFucker

[AnyFucker]

That's good. Phew. It was starting to sound like you were separating yourself from those rough tarts who wear short skirts and hang out in pubs 'n' that.

[BakeOffBiscuits]

"I do not perceive myself as OW type. I don't know any O.W my point is, i don't wear makeup, wear jeans & trainers. Spend my days in parks & soft play/schools or playgroups"

What the fuck does that mean? Its laughable if you think what you have written is in anyway near reality.

[vikingwoman]

I also want to thank winnie for posting. My 86 year old mother (married 50 years) once told me, 'the older you get the less black-and-white the world is'. I appreciate op's honesty - I think it happens to the majority of people at some point in their lives. It happened to me (with dp 22 years). Usually when we are at our most vulnerable. Many people will ultimately not act on it, but many do.

[Apple1976]

I can see how they happen but ultimately it is the wrong thing to do and can only end In hurt. I know it's not always to leave a bad relationship - and where there are children or difficult financial situations involved it is even harder - but complicating things with another person and hurt for everyone who is attached to you both can't be easier than dealing with why you are Not happy and moving on in whichever way is best?

[Aderyn2016]

I think it is fair for the OP to say she wasn't actively looking for a new relationship by doing the things that women often do when on the lookout for a partner. Obviously not everyone who wears makeup/nice clothes is looking for an affair but those who are are more likely to be making an effort with appearance than wearing fleeces and hanging out at playgroup!

[Expellibramus]

AF, genuine question, but do you think what the OP did was as bad as a physical affair?

[WhiskyTangoFoxtrot]

I don't think that the world does become less clear cut. Betrayal remains wrong.

Recognising temptation and cutting if off before you do something terrible is the same whether you are 20 or 80.

OP has only just ealised that anyone can be tempted to have an affair (not quite sure why she hadn't realised this before - it is wrong to think that only certain 'types' do it)

She also appears to know that cheating is wrong, and that being tempted isn't a good reason to betray family in one of the most destructive ways possible.

And has the moral compass and strength of character to recognise this wasn't just a passing thought, but a sign that she needs to do something about her marriage.

[betrayedandwobbly]

"AF, genuine question, but do you think what the OP did was as bad as a physical affair?"

Not AF, but the worst part of my STBX's affair was the emotional component - which went on for some years before it became a fulloin physical affair. The bodily detail was way less important.

As soon as you realise you have done/or said something that you wouldn't do or say in front of your spouse, you are an dodgy ground. It's a 'mistake' only if it is only done once. Continuing into to chat/meet, and you are in to emotional affair territory. And the only way to find out how much that hurts is when the primary partner finds out.

Just think his different relationship could be if all those stolen moments to have chats/messages were used instead to send little appreciative or flirty or sensual ones to their real partner?

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

AF, genuine question, but do you think what the OP did was as bad as a physical affair?

Not AF but for me yes it is.

A big part of relationships for me is trust. The secrecy and lies told in emotional affairs is the same as physical ones.

[AnyFucker]

Expellibramus yes

[Kr1stina]

So you had the sense to stop you EA before it became physical. Well done you.

But please don't try to present this as some sort of wonderful insight that the rest of us should admire.

I've never cheated on dp. I always thought people who had affairs were being directly cruel to their spouse & that was the paramount issue. Now i reslise its about the prospect of a different partner. The excitement. The escapism

Many people would consider that you have cheated.

And you are foolish to think that it's either hurting you husband or being excited about the prospect of a different partner. It's not either/or , it's BOTH.

And the "paramount issue" is selfishness .

[juneau]

From what she's said AnyFucker I don't think it was an emotional affair. Thinking about someone else isn't a crime, nor is it 'having an affair'. They didn't engage in sexualised banter or anything inappropriate and as soon as the OP felt things could cross the line she blocked him.

OP you're right - some people set out to hurt others - others I'm guessing fall into something with no intention to cause pain. But it's that 'not thinking' element that is the problem. If we don't think about the consequences of our actions we can easily hurt others around us. You stepped away before anything happened that you could regret. But if you relationship is really dead and has been for 3-4 years maybe this is the wake-up call you need to do something about it?

[Aderyn2016]

I don't think that what she did was as bad as an actual affair. Normally I would say that emotional affairs are as bad but in this case she cut it off before things started to get intimate emotionally or sexual with regard to the messaging. She saw the danger and put a stop to it. That is far better imo than the people who carry on until their primary partner catches them. She did remember that she had a husband and chose to put that before the selfish desire to carry on.