I'm obsessed with a man who doesn't even like me

[Beaching]

And i've only just admitted/realised it myself. I need a shake, an outsiders opinion, advice, someone to listen or just a bloody grip.

I'm not going to leave anything out to make me or him look better, then I would love to know what you think.

I was unceremoniously dumped by my partner after 6 years. My friends took me out for drinks the next weekend and we got chatting to some men. I was attracted to one in particular and we all ended up going back to his for more drinks after town closed.

We ended up in bed together. It was a revelation. The sex was something i've never known before. It was passionate, hot hot sex. At the end he said 'have you ever had sex like that before, this is out of this world, I can't believe what just happened'' (I have replayed those words about a million times in my head).

I left in the morning and didn't leave my number. He didn't ask for it either.

A week later, now feeling even more rejected, I tracked him down on FB. He sent me a message full of compliments and could we meet again (he made it clear it was for sex). I couldn't, didn't say no and this carried on for the next 6 months. When we were at his he was lovely, kind, the sex just got better and better, we (in his own words) have a connection.

In the meantime i realise that this man is very well known around town. He's been single a long time and isn't short on women.

I started stalking his Facebook constantly. Seeing which photos he had liked, things he had commented on. One minute on a high because he had messaged me, the next minute a crashing low because he was in a photo with women draped all over him or him liking someones half naked profile pic.

This has been going on for months. The creeping on his page just getting worse, me feeling like a dog with a bone if he happened to like something on my page. He stopped sending me messages unless I messaged him first and then it could be days before he would reply or sometimes he just wouldn't bother.

Still I was running into him in town and occasionally going home with him. I actually felt pleased when he would 'pick' me at the end of the night even though he had had women with him the whole evening. I even felt pleased when I heard some woman in the toilets calling me 'that slag that x likes'.

I have lost all reason with this man. I am ashamed of how hooked I am. How much time I spend thinking about him, creeping on his Facebook, fantasising about him. He doesn't care one jot about me. When he is drunk he professes his love for me, that in all the time he's been single he's never felt like anyone like he does for me, that we have a connection, that I am the only one who gets him. And then in the morning he is cold. So fucking cold and can barely look at me. Yet again I just go back like a kicked puppy.

Please please tell me how to get this man out of my head. I wish I had never ever met him. Its like a horrible addiction that I can't break and I don't want to go into another year thinking about him. This has been going on for about 10 months now. I just want to stop even thinking about him. Please, do you have any advice?

What are people dreading or looking forward to relationship wise at xmas . Me- looking forward to my first xmas with my partner and kids after ten years hard xmases as a single mum . Dread- my mum , she resents my happiness as she's had a miserable marriage for years

Sorry wrong place

Oh beaching it's horrible but you have definitely done the right thing. It will get easier

I'm so glad to read this. I have been having a similar relationship with a builder who came to do some work on my house for a whole year. Split with long term partner 3 years ago, horrible messy split, he cheated on me. Builder man is gorgeous, funny, an amazing fuck, has completely renovated my house over the past year. But he's totally in control. Chooses to ignore messages, responds coldly, then after a bit he's back, mending things, it's all good again. The Facebook and actual stalking has reached embarrassing levels. I know it's going nowhere, I know it's not good for my mental health but Christ, just one flirty message and I'm pathetic again. Tonight he came round and he didn't make a move (he'd left something at my house and needed to collect it). It has driven me mad all evening, I've obsessed about him to point I could explode! He's got a key to my house. I wish I could get control of myself.
I've no useful tips, I just wanted to say you aren't alone 💐

God reading this makes me feel scared as I have experienced this. I am a recovering addict and have an addictive personality. It is impossible to explain just how bad I felt when I tried to move on/break free from a toxic relationship. Please do keep going!! It will get better if you disengage.

And it doesn't matter about the waving/car thing. What he thinks doesn't matter, ghe's happily waving st someone he is persistently hurting.

My story is literally the same, it was just sex and now i cant stop thinking about him, he was the most rude person ive ever met and yet i can't stop wanting and lusting, i wish the intense desire would stop but it doesnt, i have next to no contact with him but he stays on my mind. I just want his approval and he couldnt care less about me.

So many of us are in this situation. I'm months into cold turkey, and even now it's hard. I blocked him on all social media and whatsapp, but as I have two phones in October he sent me whatsapps to that phone asking how I was (like he hadn't ignored me for months after last using me for sex), and then when I ignored that a few days later I got a "I miss you" message.

I'll be honest, I had left him unblocked on purpose on my whatsapp because I wanted to see if he'd reach out but yes it actually makes things worse because you are just waiting around for a message - plus it's essentially just leaving the door ajar for him to creep back in.

If you are truly done degrading yourself and being his beck and call girl, you need to block him on everything - that includes messenger because I don't think you've blocked him on there yet and pretty sure that's separate to Facebook?

When I finally did hear from him it was at a point when I had started not thinking about him every day (I know, never thought I'd get to that place!) As soon as he all of a sudden contacted me on the one place he could, I have been back in a difficult mindset of obsessing (from afar, no contact - I haven't even seen him in 5 months!!!!) However, with no contact I am in a stronger mindset that he isn't a genuine person and that he is only using me - when you take this step back you really see what a user these men are.

I was actually in hospital at the time he sent me the 'I miss you' message, and I realised that he had no idea how I was or how I was doing. I then lost my grandad a few weeks later and realised he would have never been a supportive person in my life even if I let him back in. He didn't truly care about me or my life.

He was also a distraction from my breakdown of my 8 year relationship, where I didn't feel any sadness at all - again, very weird like you - we've used someone else to help us move on.

I started a blog all about these type of guys, and also about self esteem so I could work through my feelings and work on my new life as a single mum. I want him mostly because I'm emotionally unavailable just like he is. I want what I can't have, but if he turned round tomorrow and offered to be my boyfriend I'd know I could never trust him as one and wouldn't actually want him.

It's messed up but if anything it's a HUGE sign that you are ignoring other voids in your life, and that actually you are using this obsession to not face the real areas of your life you should be focusing on. Look at your social life, your home, your daily routine, your health/fitness, yourself and think if there is anything you would like to change. Then set goals in each area and work through those. Stop dating, stop focusing on men and prioritising them.

It's so damn hard, but cold turkey is the only way. Stay strong and in time you will move on. It's not easy though, you have to decide if you want to be the loyal dog who goes back to his owner even though he kicks him, or if you've had enough.

Also I read this quote from Albert Einstein today "Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results" - when applied to this situation it shows just how insane we've been - they won't change.

Oh and finally something to help you with the 'rejection' - because the whole time you were with him you weren't acting like yourself you were in this 'limerence' insane put-him-on-a-pedestal mode, and he never even got to see the real YOU. So when you feel rejected that he didn't want you, just remember that actually he didn't even get to know the real you. The woman with boundaries and with standards. Now show him your standards by going NC. I'm sure he'll chase any way he can - because these guys only want what they can't have (like us) - this is when you must stand your ground x

I can't believe this thread is almost 2 years old. I wonder how Beaching is getting on? Hopefully having a fabulous and wonderful life now, without this cockroach in it.

Sophie, Well, you know what to do. It's tough but it works.

Oh I had no idea it was so old. lol. Yes hope you're doing much better now and Sophie just stay strong.

Thank you for ur support guys 💙
I was searching up infatuation vs lust on google and i saw this thread, i wrote on it cuz beaching's story sounds exactly like mine
It was just sex a handful of times
He doesnt talk to me at all, and wen insee him at the gym i still get those butterflies from wen i first saw him, i was thinking maybe closure would help or at least if he would be nice to me but he told me he just saw me as a piece of meat and im not his friend, i felt like even being his friend wouldnt make me feel insane like i do now over this.
I have never felt such intense lust for someone and i wish he would just talk to me but he probably thinks im beneath him and doesnt even respect me as a human being to talk to me, all that and i still feel the same physical attraction, i think i feel this way cuz i know i didnt do anything wrong..i was nice and i tried to be friendly and he just objectified me, which was unnecessary but i woulda been ok just being fwb with someone like him, just a straight up asshole..

heres my girl, this is the girl who knows me better than anyone in the world, she's also the best fuck i've ever had'.

You think you're the only person he's saying this to? He's keeping you 'sweet'.

Limmerance OP. I’ve been there myself. Luckily I strapped down once he started shagging my friend and they both lied about it.

No contact is the only way I’m afraid.

It gets better. Work on your self esteem, and I bet in time hell come crawling back once he realises you don’t want him anymore. Ball back in your court and by this time, you won’t even want him anywhere near you!! Mine still tries now and again after 4 years!

Read this. It may help.

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/why-arent-i-enough-for-your-crumbs/