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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm obsessed with a man who doesn't even like me

115 replies

Beaching · 18/12/2016 16:10

And i've only just admitted/realised it myself. I need a shake, an outsiders opinion, advice, someone to listen or just a bloody grip.

I'm not going to leave anything out to make me or him look better, then I would love to know what you think.

I was unceremoniously dumped by my partner after 6 years. My friends took me out for drinks the next weekend and we got chatting to some men. I was attracted to one in particular and we all ended up going back to his for more drinks after town closed.

We ended up in bed together. It was a revelation. The sex was something i've never known before. It was passionate, hot hot sex. At the end he said 'have you ever had sex like that before, this is out of this world, I can't believe what just happened'' (I have replayed those words about a million times in my head).

I left in the morning and didn't leave my number. He didn't ask for it either.

A week later, now feeling even more rejected, I tracked him down on FB. He sent me a message full of compliments and could we meet again (he made it clear it was for sex). I couldn't, didn't say no and this carried on for the next 6 months. When we were at his he was lovely, kind, the sex just got better and better, we (in his own words) have a connection.

In the meantime i realise that this man is very well known around town. He's been single a long time and isn't short on women.

I started stalking his Facebook constantly. Seeing which photos he had liked, things he had commented on. One minute on a high because he had messaged me, the next minute a crashing low because he was in a photo with women draped all over him or him liking someones half naked profile pic.

This has been going on for months. The creeping on his page just getting worse, me feeling like a dog with a bone if he happened to like something on my page. He stopped sending me messages unless I messaged him first and then it could be days before he would reply or sometimes he just wouldn't bother.

Still I was running into him in town and occasionally going home with him. I actually felt pleased when he would 'pick' me at the end of the night even though he had had women with him the whole evening. I even felt pleased when I heard some woman in the toilets calling me 'that slag that x likes'.

I have lost all reason with this man. I am ashamed of how hooked I am. How much time I spend thinking about him, creeping on his Facebook, fantasising about him. He doesn't care one jot about me. When he is drunk he professes his love for me, that in all the time he's been single he's never felt like anyone like he does for me, that we have a connection, that I am the only one who gets him. And then in the morning he is cold. So fucking cold and can barely look at me. Yet again I just go back like a kicked puppy.

Please please tell me how to get this man out of my head. I wish I had never ever met him. Its like a horrible addiction that I can't break and I don't want to go into another year thinking about him. This has been going on for about 10 months now. I just want to stop even thinking about him. Please, do you have any advice?

OP posts:
TWOBANANAS · 18/12/2016 17:57

Please block him from any social media. You have to otherwise you'll go nuts.

Original poster
Beaching · 18/12/2016 17:57

Pete, weirdly enough I've quit smoking a few days ago so that's great advice!

OP posts:
PeteSwotatoes · 18/12/2016 17:59

Ah congratulations Grin

Doyoufeelluckypunk · 18/12/2016 18:01

Well done!!!

TheWitTank · 18/12/2016 18:02

You are not a fool Flowers
Make sure you have him blocked on all social media not just deleted. Once he sees you have got rid of him, I would guarantee he will try contacting you. Typical knob head, egotistical arsehole behaviour. He won't believe you have had the audacity to not think he is Gods gift.

FoxesSitOnBoxes · 18/12/2016 18:04

Yes, what WitTank said- block, don't just delete and then he won't pop up again and he can't search for you.
I've been there and it's hideous! It does get better quickly once you truly let go though

LocksOfGold · 18/12/2016 18:13

Well done! At least you are not blind to your behaviour and have done something about it! You don't want to be continuing that shit into the new year Sad.
You have to avoid places he may be, no matter how much you may want to bump into him at times. & remain strong if he does get in contact! I've found that guys always reach out once you 'ghost' on them!

Whisky2014 · 18/12/2016 18:29

Hurray! Step one: complete. Well done!

BigFatBollocks · 18/12/2016 18:42

He he!! Well done u! It's very difficult but doing as pp have said and blocking is the only way (stay strong as it's hard but will be worth it). I wasted 6 yrs on a turd like him. Ended up with 2 by him. He was a nightmare, ended up having to get a restraining order against him as he kicked my front door off in the middle of the night with my 2week old baby in the house, I thought he was going to kill me. He was ea. You r potentially getting urself out of a really bad situation. Lots of ea people treat u bad to get u hooked the bad stuff starts. I met him just after is left my husband and I was vulnerable and he knew it. I said to a professional once " I can't believe I picked him!" She said "u didn't, he picked u'. Now the nut job is shagging someone from down my street, I'm sure it's so that he can watch me. Weirdo!! You r well rid of him. By the way we also had red hot sex.

Original poster
Beaching · 18/12/2016 18:42

I only ever bump into him if I try too! I think that can easily be avoided apart from house parties and I can find out in advance if he's likely to show up

OP posts:
BigFatBollocks · 18/12/2016 18:43

2 children. Doh!

Original poster
Beaching · 18/12/2016 18:46

In an effort to be 100% truthful I'm stalling on blocking him.

I kind of want to see his message when (if) he even realises I've deleted him. But that's just me wanting attention from him isn't it?

OP posts:
lovelearning · 18/12/2016 18:49

I kind of want to see his message

No you don't.

Block him now.

trickycat · 18/12/2016 18:56

Commit all the way. Think to yourself, in 6 months time will it be important what his message said? No, it won't. So block him now.

LocksOfGold · 18/12/2016 18:57

You will actually find yourself more disappointed and low if you don't block him and he doesn't message. If you block him then he has no way to message, so you will never know wether he actually would or not... If that makes sense?

Original poster
Beaching · 18/12/2016 19:02

Locks that is true. Really ill just be hanging around waiting for him to realise and message me won't I?

OP posts:
alphabook · 18/12/2016 19:02

Block him. If you're the one who always messages first then he most likely won't even bother.

Or he could do all the "I miss you, you're the only person who understands me" crap and you get sucked right back in. Which is what you want deep down, but it's the worst thing that could happen.

tabithasgran · 18/12/2016 19:05

Had to post. Suffered from limerance too. It's been over 10 years since I went cold turkey.

Was at a restaurant in London last week (miles away from home) works night out. Saw him. He saw me. It all came flooding back .

O m g! We spoke a bit and I think I've managed to 'put the lid back on that box' but I'll be honest, had he suggested anything I'd have been hard pushed to say no, even after all this time.

I was so pleased I looked pretty good that night! I turned to the gym to keep my mind active and lost weight and gained my confidence back (He did look older and fatter! I keep telling myself that! Hmm)

Go cold turkey and stay well away. He's not worthy of you!

Original poster
Beaching · 18/12/2016 19:12

Tabitha, wow after all that time! That's quite scary given we live in the same town

OP posts:
FoxesSitOnBoxes · 18/12/2016 19:28

Block block block or what you've actually done is a desperate bit of "please notice I've deleted you!" Rather than anything which will actually move you on.

Patienceisvirtuous · 18/12/2016 19:33

Well done. Do block though, for your own sake.

You're worth ten of him x

Horsegirl1 · 18/12/2016 19:35

He says all that bullshit when he is drun and has alcohol related confidence . He also says it to get you into bed. In the morning when sober he is his true self. If he did have un dying love for you it wouldn't fade when the alcohol leaves his system. Op you deserve way better . Ignore the dirty bastard. If he does love you he will come to you

leaveittothediva · 18/12/2016 19:41

He's your fuck buddy. That's it. You are enjoying the sex, but have become obsessed with you two having a relationship, not going to happen. Block him and his booty calls, and get busy trying to find a real man that wants a relationship. Ten months is long enough, funs over.

mumofthemonsters808 · 18/12/2016 19:42

I've experienced limerance, thankfully it was before the days of social media. When I reflect back, I'd just come out of a long term relationship in which I'd experienced a lot of hurt and pain and I desperately wanted this new man to like me, but he just used and abused me, my fault because I allowed him to. I was also crippled by low self esteem and could not believe that this good looking man wanted to sleep with me.He had a huge following amongst other women and I felt so priviledged to go home with him, finally I come to my senses when he slept with one of my friends.
Twenty five years down the line and I saw him shopping with his wife, he'd aged badly, looked miserable as sin and his wife looked rough as a bears arse and I could not help but smirk to myself as I walked past.
You'll get there OP but you have to be very determined

Kittenrush · 18/12/2016 19:46

You're braver than a lot of people in the same situation beaching. I don't know you and you don't need my validation but I've just read this through and I'm SO proud of you