I'm obsessed with a man who doesn't even like me

[Beaching]

And i've only just admitted/realised it myself. I need a shake, an outsiders opinion, advice, someone to listen or just a bloody grip.

I'm not going to leave anything out to make me or him look better, then I would love to know what you think.

I was unceremoniously dumped by my partner after 6 years. My friends took me out for drinks the next weekend and we got chatting to some men. I was attracted to one in particular and we all ended up going back to his for more drinks after town closed.

We ended up in bed together. It was a revelation. The sex was something i've never known before. It was passionate, hot hot sex. At the end he said 'have you ever had sex like that before, this is out of this world, I can't believe what just happened'' (I have replayed those words about a million times in my head).

I left in the morning and didn't leave my number. He didn't ask for it either.

A week later, now feeling even more rejected, I tracked him down on FB. He sent me a message full of compliments and could we meet again (he made it clear it was for sex). I couldn't, didn't say no and this carried on for the next 6 months. When we were at his he was lovely, kind, the sex just got better and better, we (in his own words) have a connection.

In the meantime i realise that this man is very well known around town. He's been single a long time and isn't short on women.

I started stalking his Facebook constantly. Seeing which photos he had liked, things he had commented on. One minute on a high because he had messaged me, the next minute a crashing low because he was in a photo with women draped all over him or him liking someones half naked profile pic.

This has been going on for months. The creeping on his page just getting worse, me feeling like a dog with a bone if he happened to like something on my page. He stopped sending me messages unless I messaged him first and then it could be days before he would reply or sometimes he just wouldn't bother.

Still I was running into him in town and occasionally going home with him. I actually felt pleased when he would 'pick' me at the end of the night even though he had had women with him the whole evening. I even felt pleased when I heard some woman in the toilets calling me 'that slag that x likes'.

I have lost all reason with this man. I am ashamed of how hooked I am. How much time I spend thinking about him, creeping on his Facebook, fantasising about him. He doesn't care one jot about me. When he is drunk he professes his love for me, that in all the time he's been single he's never felt like anyone like he does for me, that we have a connection, that I am the only one who gets him. And then in the morning he is cold. So fucking cold and can barely look at me. Yet again I just go back like a kicked puppy.

Please please tell me how to get this man out of my head. I wish I had never ever met him. Its like a horrible addiction that I can't break and I don't want to go into another year thinking about him. This has been going on for about 10 months now. I just want to stop even thinking about him. Please, do you have any advice?

Today 19:28 FoxesSitOnBoxes

Block block block or what you've actually done is a desperate bit of "please notice I've deleted you!" Rather than anything which will actually move you on.

That's so true . I'm really sticking on blocking him. Will pour wine and then come back and do it. I've deleted his number now so I can't block him on my phone but we only talk on messenger so will block there.

You're all giving me such strength. You have no idea how nice it was a minute ago to pick up my phone and not have to go through the "check"...has he messaged, has he been online, has he posted, has he liked anything. Just such freedom

Talk about ironic, I was in the kitchen pouring wine and "bewitched, bothered and bewildered" by EF came on.

I've blocked him. I can't quite believe it but I have.

Six years ago, I could have written this post. I'd just come out of a horrible relationship and met this guy through friends on night out. My experience is the same as yours - the sex, the other women, the Facebook stalking, the random hookups, the elation when he picked me for a shag or liked one of my posts.

I can't pinpoint how or when I started to become less obsessed. We are still actually friends on facebook but I don't stalk him anymore. I think after about a year of being infatuated, I made myself get a grip and gradually weaned myself away. It was difficult, but when I got with my DP, the intense feelings subsided. I never had the same type of infatuation for DP - it was much a more healthy interest and I found that as DP had respect for me and was reliable, there was no need for intense stalking !

Well done. You can be proud of yourself for that.

Well done, Beaching, that was the last hurdle and the most difficult - and you've done it. Now you're free - from the cigarettes - and from him. I'm not sure which was the most injurious for your health or wellbeing but now you're free of both.

Hope that 2017 brings you some peace for yourself to work on what you want from a partner - and then a nice one appears for you when you least expect them.

Well done for blocking him. You are free now.

Thanks everyone

Feeling very wobbly now but there is no going back. I'm hoping things look clearer in the morning

Stick with it Beaching - it will get easier. Take things a day at a time, in that if you desperately want to contact him just say that you won't for the next hour. Then when that hours up see how you feel - you can do another hour/few hours/day right? Don't think about forever, just take it in small time blocks. Next, make plans. Make social plans with friends and DO NOT spend them talking and obsessing over him. Make a deal with yourself that you won't mention him all evening, you're just going to focus on your friend, how she's doing, and having a nice time with her. Next, do you like exercise? Do some. Join a class, go the gym, for a swim, a run, whatever.

Accept that occasionally with these situations there can be a 'relapse.' You reply to a text that you know you should have ignored or whatever. That doesn't mean it's all over and you're back to square one. Just get straight back on the horse. You can do it.

Just shake him off. He doesn't deserve all your energy. Put it to better use.

Sorry have not read the thread, but wanted to day my heart goes out to you, but i know (from heart breaking experience) that you CAN get through this. Get a councillor who has experience and training in co- repentance, and buy a life saving book called HealingLove Addiction, can't remember the author, but you'll find it.
Of you need support pm me. Cold Turkey is the key, but you need support too.
Best of luck.

You've done the right thing

Woohoo! good riddance to bad rubbish!
Onwards and upwards

You weren't a fool, you were vulnerable and he took advantage of that vulnerability.
I just had to post to say congratulations and bloody well done Beaching for taking back control over your life.

Excellent work Beaching! It really sucks but you can start getting over him now and it will get better

Just read through all this thread. Well done! I'm so pleased you've deleted and blocked him. I was so sad reading your early posts. Your life is going to get so much easier if you stay strong. Get help, tell your friends, it sounds like they'll be delighted!

And look at yourself in the mirror every day and say "I am worth so much better. I don't need this crap anymore. It's nothing to me." Until you believe it and could say it to him if you ever bumped into him. Good luck, keep strong.

A long time ago, when I was 21, I walked away from someone like this. Same script too; low self esteem, red hot sex and a guy with a big female following telling me I was the special one, his dream girl.

I've always been proud of myself (and a little amazed) that I managed to do it. A tiny bit of me always wondered what might have been though.

It was only when I was chatting to my, far more worldly and cynical, 21 year old daughter about my youth, and she laughed "That's a great line, he probably said that to loads of girls," that I actually totally saw him for what he was.

If he's always single then that's probably because he is incapable of holding down a relationship. I've had a fling with a man like this and the reason the sex is so hot is that it's the only intimacy they feel comfortable with and can manage.

Beeching read the thread and so amazed at the strength you have found. Have uou had counselling at all? I think there are often attachment issues going back to childhood and our relationships with fathers etc thst make certain of us vulnerable to unhealthy relationships. Counselling about my attitude to relationships transformed my life.

I'm still here, will come back in a bit just doing some bits.

It's not been a great day tbh

Oh Beaching, I've been where you are and really feel for you - bloody well done for yesterday lady! I'm a couple years on from my madness and cant believe what effect this guy - who in reality was quite a horrible person, had on me. So charming, so sexy but utterly heartless and soulless.

I thought we had a connection, he thought I was a convenient lay. So bloody demeaning but I did half of that damage to myself. He was like a drug. I'd have godawful days all based on something he'd said, or done to piss me off. what a bloody waste.

Please stay strong, you will get get past any feelings and you will wonder what the hell you were thinking - honestly!!

Oh and yes to what LottieandMia said - incapable of real emotions & relationships but sex, no problem.

Yes he's not a nice person really. Very surface nice, so charismatic, very sexual. But damaged.

I woke up feeling horrible, really angry with you lot for talking me into deleting him

I was out today and drove past his house on the way to somewhere else. I did it on purpose, I didn't need to go that way. He was at work so there was no point anyway.

And then I pulled up at traffic lights a few hours ago and he bloody pulled up next to me. That has never happened before, what a horrible coincidence. He was waving madly so I smiled and waved back, I didn't know what else to do. Then I started having a panic that he would message me and realise I had blocked him, that I would look like some nutjob waving at him after I've deleted him.

Just a whirlwind of thoughts today. I've looked at his FB a few times as I know he was out last night. It's totally locked down so no point but I looked at his friends pages too.

I'm a bloody mess.

Look, you've taken the first steps. It will be hard and it's really bad luck to bump into him.

He sounds a complete and utter shit. Nobody nice treats someone like that, let alone a sexual partner even if casual.

Where do you want to be in six months or a year? Still stalking this man or free to have fun and live freely? Your choice.

It does strike me that you fell into this whirlwind of madness just one week after a six year relationship. You've never properly grieved for that. Even if it was amicable (you don't say much about this) that's a traumatic life event. Consider some counselling to try to get your head straight or give the whole thing some serious thought. Learn to be happily single for a while. Learn to respect yourself and expect the same from others.

Keep posting here,mwe are all rooting for you. Any distraction could help, knitting, jigsaws, phone games....just lock him out of your brain. He's banished.

Beaching, hang in there. The next few weeks will be difficult but they would have been difficult for you anyway as you would probably have spent Christmas and New Year stalking his social media and wondering what he was doing. This is like breaking a habit. I promise you that you will look back at this and wonder if you really allowed a man to treat you like this. Be strong. Today is the start of a better future for you!