And i've only just admitted/realised it myself. I need a shake, an outsiders opinion, advice, someone to listen or just a bloody grip.
I'm not going to leave anything out to make me or him look better, then I would love to know what you think.
I was unceremoniously dumped by my partner after 6 years. My friends took me out for drinks the next weekend and we got chatting to some men. I was attracted to one in particular and we all ended up going back to his for more drinks after town closed.
We ended up in bed together. It was a revelation. The sex was something i've never known before. It was passionate, hot hot sex. At the end he said 'have you ever had sex like that before, this is out of this world, I can't believe what just happened'' (I have replayed those words about a million times in my head).
I left in the morning and didn't leave my number. He didn't ask for it either.
A week later, now feeling even more rejected, I tracked him down on FB. He sent me a message full of compliments and could we meet again (he made it clear it was for sex). I couldn't, didn't say no and this carried on for the next 6 months. When we were at his he was lovely, kind, the sex just got better and better, we (in his own words) have a connection.
In the meantime i realise that this man is very well known around town. He's been single a long time and isn't short on women.
I started stalking his Facebook constantly. Seeing which photos he had liked, things he had commented on. One minute on a high because he had messaged me, the next minute a crashing low because he was in a photo with women draped all over him or him liking someones half naked profile pic.
This has been going on for months. The creeping on his page just getting worse, me feeling like a dog with a bone if he happened to like something on my page. He stopped sending me messages unless I messaged him first and then it could be days before he would reply or sometimes he just wouldn't bother.
Still I was running into him in town and occasionally going home with him. I actually felt pleased when he would 'pick' me at the end of the night even though he had had women with him the whole evening. I even felt pleased when I heard some woman in the toilets calling me 'that slag that x likes'.
I have lost all reason with this man. I am ashamed of how hooked I am. How much time I spend thinking about him, creeping on his Facebook, fantasising about him. He doesn't care one jot about me. When he is drunk he professes his love for me, that in all the time he's been single he's never felt like anyone like he does for me, that we have a connection, that I am the only one who gets him. And then in the morning he is cold. So fucking cold and can barely look at me. Yet again I just go back like a kicked puppy.
Please please tell me how to get this man out of my head. I wish I had never ever met him. Its like a horrible addiction that I can't break and I don't want to go into another year thinking about him. This has been going on for about 10 months now. I just want to stop even thinking about him. Please, do you have any advice?