Anyone else happy to stay single forever

[Gorgeoussunset]

I am divorced and have been single for 5 years now. I genuinely do not hate men and have many male friends and some family. But unlike some of my female friends I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't have any need for a man in my life, and don't see that changing. I'm a bit surprised to feel like this, but not regretful. Some of my friends claim to understand but then go on about meeting the right person etc. Wonder if anyone else feels this way?

[SingingSeal]

*- A quick browse online shows an overwhelming number of unappealingmen

• the DOSBODS - deluded old scrapped blokes on dating sites
  
• I have been thinking more about this, and concluded that amongst many men, a damaging accumulated sense of entitlement plus delusional beliefs regarding relative personal attractiveness partly*
  

SingleandFabulous and ShiningExample ^ so agree. Its grim.

I am in my early 50s, have tried a bit of online dating. The self-centredness, egoism and self-entitlement of so many of these unnattractive, dreary men seems to have no limits. I am not sure where this enormous sense of entitlement has come from and would love it if anyone cared to share their ideas of why! Its also a rare man the same age as me not to want someone younger. Perfectly normal for an online Average Joe to want someone 10-20 years younger than him.

I really think dating at my age is humiliating for that reason and for the most part a complete waste of time, IMO energies could be spent on much more rewarding things. I only have one friend who did OK (finally) with it, and she put A LOT of time and effort into it, plus she is super-confident. My other friends have mainly dealt with men who are are playing the field frankly and are not serious at all, or are really pretty unpleasant people you would not touch with a barge pole if you met them "in real life".

I really liked GeorgeousSunset's original post. Being single can be a very positive way to live. Coupledom is not the ideal state for everyone. Speaking for myself if Mr Right suddenly popped up out of the ether, that would be fine. But I think this is highly unlikely for me tbh and I'm not going to waste any time or energy on a fruitless exercise. This thread has been a great reminder to live life to the full, and how being single can be a wonderful and rewarding way to live and love and find fulfilment.

[kaitlinktm]

I think SingingSeal has summarised how I feel about OLD in my sixties. I just don't want to put myself through the humiliation - it's just not important enough to me to find a man.

[1DAD2KIDS]

I don't think I would ever cohabit with someone again after my ex wife. After seeing how someone can manipulate you and not act in your best intrests as you have theirs has put me off. Although now has been a great time to experiment and explore. There are other ways to live your life and our society is a lot more free and open. I have had few no exclusive causal flings and FWB over the last year. It has been fun and sort of nice to experience enjoying more than one person. I can be single and enjoy the personalities, intellect and different sexual dynamic of different people. It has been fun and educational. I don't have really any time for a relationship anyway due raising two young kids alone and full time work.

But recently I have been feeling I may want something a little more. Not a full on relationship but maybe something exclude and with someone I trust enough to share a bit of my life with. But I would not want entertain the idea of cohabitation or them being involved with my kids till the kids where grown up (so at least 16 years). But of course maybe that a slippery slope because what if I did fall in love with someone again? Then how would that affect the plans I have made. Plus there are advantages I find to being single. To be fair the idea of real love does scare me because it seems to me it doesn't always serve your best intrest.

Anyway it's totally trial and error at the moment. But I am totally open to the possibilities of living a different sort of relationship lifestyle. In some ways it's and adventure. No right now I am still exploring and couldn't say 100% if I would be happy single all my life or not.

[Allofaflumble]

The last bloke I dated would have been one of Singing's DOSBODS. Mid fifties, balding, around 4 stone overweight, yet he was continually going on about fancying Liz Hurley, liked the Sugababes and The Saturdays and that he was proud of his body!!

I met him OLD and he went on and on about his crazy ex wife on our first date. Sadly for me this was prior to knowing about red flags etc so I just felt I wasn't good looking enough for him!!

I don't think I could ever give up my peaceful contentment for even one date.

[singleandfabulous]

singingseal The astonishing sense of entitlement some men have comes from a life lived in a world designed for and by white, middle aged men.

From early on theyve been praised to high heaven and pampered by, firstly their mothers and then wives and sometimes sisters. They are used to being 'head of the household' and were given top priority over jobs back in the day. Their perceived value increases with age, in contrast to women's value.

They see male celebrities with stunning, often younger wives and girlfriends both on screen and in real life so that's what they expect.

They also dont seem to suffer the same appearance related anxieties as women. This is mainly due to their perceived social value not being tied to their appearance as it is with women.

I could go on but it's late

[noego]

Seems like a lot of stereotyping and generalisations here about the men of a certain age.
Don't really agree with this personally.

[Jules8432]

I'm 33 been single for 9 years after being in an abusive relationship. I wish I could move forward but my head won't let me.
Plus I feel like I wouldn't even know how to have a relationship now! 🙈

If I'm honest with myself I'm kinda happy on my own. But live in fear of the day my son leaves home which is in 4 year if he goes to uni. Think I'll feel a huge void then :(

But right now yes I'm happy to be single forever even if a lot of society thinks I'm weird

[Allofaflumble]

Sixteen I am sorry to hear about your depression but like you say it can open the mind to see things clearly.
You must have some great conversations being so deep. I love deep people. Not enough around in my view.

Also re: stereotypes. Older women who keep cats have always been stereotyped as man hating, frigid oddities, destined to remain alone, cackling at the local children....old witches etc.

[1DAD2KIDS]

There a strange entitlement correlation if we are massively generalising. To younger men it does seem that women their age are not interested in them. It feels they feel as good looking younger women they are entitled to a man who already has it all and can treat her like a princess. Of course a massive generalisation but we have all seen these couples. And because there are younger women out there like this maybe that feeds this sense of entitlement to younger models for middle age successful men. Because they see other men do it and think yes me too. I know it's a massive generalisation but they are out there. I have read numerous relationship threads about the OW either being a younger model or the ExH getting with a younger model very quickly. Personally I think these entitled idiots deserve each other.

[GhostOfChristmasYetToCome]

It's a funny one for me.

I'm quite content to be single. I like the peace and quiet. I remember the sounds and the smells and the sights, as well as the financial incontinence and sadness, of living with a man (my ex husband).

I don't feel the need for a partner but it does make me very sad to think that I have no one in my life who has my back; who would prioritise me.

I have children who are brilliant, but they're not a substitute for adult company.

I quite often read things like, "why do you need a man? As long as your friends and family love you..." but when you don't have that either, it's a sad and lonely existence with not a whole lot to look forward to.

[liberatethebuns]

Another one here. I'd happily be single for the rest of my life. When I look back at my past relationships I can see that most of them were codependent, mismatched and based more on fear of loneliness and the need to be wanted than anything else. Now that I've worked that out and become more self-sufficient (through time, experience and all the rest) I find there's no big hole caused by a lack of partner and not a jot of loneliness. It's surprising. It's like once I realised that I could look after myself instead of feeling that I had to have someone to look after/look after me, the desire for someone else faded away.

I've become rigid. I don't like the thought of compromising or sharing my space or my body or anything else. I'm afraid to talk to anyone else about it for fear or being labelled immature or, I don't know, defensive. It's hard to explain to people "No, this is genuinely how I feel. I'm not doing this to 'protect' myself, I'm not masking a secret longing for a partner. This is by choice".

Also what Earlybird said: I don't see many relationships that I admire or envy. I don't covet what others have anymore, and even if I did I don't see much around me that makes me want to run the gamut of dating, relationship and cohabitation in search of the same thing.

Reading back I realise that I focus a lot on the power dynamics, transactional aspect of relationships. But it's hard not to when all the other aspects of relationships that get lauded have proven to be so disappointing for me. Sometimes it feels like it was a big trick. My mind just doesn't seem built for it. Anytime I see someone that has that relationship potential I end up realising that actually it'd be much nicer if we were just friends, and that I'm running that should-I-ask-them-out scenario in my mind because I think that's what's done. Not because I really want to be with them.

[user1477416713]

I'm early forties, married 20 years and about to be divorced. There are hardly any men my age on OLD that I could fancy at all. I have been on dates with lots of younger (early thirties) guys who don't seem at all bothered about the age difference. I'm seeing someone now who is 31. It's nice to have someone to go out for drinks/dinner and a shag, but I don't want to settle down again. I'm very happy to keep it casual and non-exclusive . It's nice as a PP said to be able to keep your options open.

[noego]

How can you be lonely when you love the one you (self) live with.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Is it possible to have a loving relationship where you both happy not to cohabit and enjoy your own space too?

[Newbrummie]

Goodness yes 1dad just as it's possible to co habit and feel nothing at all.

[LuluLovesFruitcakes]

Not read all the comments... but I'm perfectly happy being on my own. I'm 24. A single mum of 1 following an abusive relationship and have absolutely zero interest in meeting anyone else or being with anyone else. I certainly don't think I could co-habit again, I love my own space! And I get so sick of people saying "well you're young, you'll change your mind when you meet the right man".
Why does it make people so uncomfortable that I don't feel I need to find a man to settle down with?! What is wrong or sad about being a strong, independent woman who has her own back and is perfectly comfortable and happy in her own skin, on her own terms, without someone else?

Ofcs the lack of childcare is a mare, and not being able to have someone else to watch my LO if I'm sick or if I want to go out, and sometimes it'd be nice to have some affection (something I've never really had) but they are certainly not good enough reasons for me to ever meet a new bloke

[1DAD2KIDS]

Well the only thing that muddies the water for is love. I always thought I would be single and have a long career in the Forces, having adventure and seeing the globe. But I had true love once, it was so powerful. It really messes your plans up. Now look at me. Heartbroken (well nearly over that), raising two young kids alone and because of it I threw my military career away (all be it for a less exciting but more lucrative civi one). It's funny how your heart makes love someone so much you would die for them even though they are selfish and manipulative. So yes on the ballence of things being single is the way but there is always that worry of catching a dose of love again.

On the point of love. I never wanted kids. Its someone my ex wife begged for. Anyway the best thing I have ever done in my life. From the moment my first was born I knew everything I wanted to do was for her. I can not imagine my life without my kids, they are my world. It's ironic that the wife who begged me for kids (glad she did now) is the one who run away from them to the other side of the country not long after the birth of my second.

All I know is life would be so much simpler if I could simply follow my brain and live the nice un-messy single life and enjoy my own space. Unfortunately I am a bit of a romantic and have a big heart so it does worry me that these characteristics will sabotage me again and knock me off track.

[Shiningexample]

Traditional gender roles favour men who unsurprisingly are keener to hold on to them than women are.
To feel masculine men need a compliant deferential female partner.
Fewer and fewer women are interested in that role, there are better options.
Women neither need nor want men to the extent that men need and want women.
As has been said it was all down to economic power, men no longer have it and women are free to say 'go fuck yourselves guys'

[1DAD2KIDS]

It nearly did again for me at the Christmas party at weekend. I met someone. Luckily (I guess) for me it looks like I have been blown out.

[1DAD2KIDS]

Shiningexample I would argue to a certain extent the same feeling goes for men too. That why we are seeing increasing numbers of men not wanting to marry. That also been the source of some frustration to women on here. There is little incentive for men to marry. Unless they find someone far richer and do not intend to have kids. In terms of financial power dynamics there is often an inherent danger to marriage. Also the family courts seem to favour women the majority of times. For example in terms of an argument for who is the residential parent unless there are extreme issues with the mother the father doesn't stand a chance. We are still fixated to and extent by gender roles in the courts I guess. Plus it is sad that power politics is a part of relationship.

Although we say women don't need me (and the don't we a all free enterties) if often see on here in regards to wealth and property posters advising women to get married or concerned the post is not married and therefore no legal claim on half the man goods.

There is a rise in men going it alone as well. I think a lot of men are likewise starting to see have a woman is more problematic than its worth. Maybe it's sad for society, maybe not. But I think both genders are starting to explore a world without each other. The decline in men wanting marriage and commitment would suggest this. More and more both men and women seem to be wanting a life apart from each other. Maybe that is the result of modern society.

Also on a side note I wounder if technology is making us less sexually dependent on each other? I watch a Vise video about a place that makes realistic sex dolls. They have started a line in male sex dolls and orders from women have gone through the roof, they have a waiting list from women. Also Virtual reality may offer in the future a more interactive sexaul experience. Maybe men and women are just starting to drift apart because relationships seem to offer less answer less incentive.

[Shiningexample]

The traditional relationship model is out of sync with modern life, I agree 1Dad, things are shifting for all of us.
Modern communications, the internet etc have thrown everything up in the air, I think its all very interesting and exciting, so many more options, and more to come no doubt😊

[Newbrummie]

Family courts do not favour the female FYI that tide turned a long time ago, now men are quite free to beat up their partner, treat them like shit and it's expected that'll all be put aside and we'll be nice and friendly for the sake of the children - and if you're not it's taken that you are a loon ... By the courts, by ex parents in law, by new girlfriend.

[Shiningexample]

often see on here in regards to wealth and property posters advising women to get married or concerned the post is not married and therefore no legal claim on half the man goods

No! This advice is given to stop women investing time and money in a relationship and then losing all of it if the relationship ends
Not so they can claim half the mans goods rather so they can claim their half of the jointly owned goods.

Perhaps all men really do subscribe to the doctrine of 'what's yours is mine and what's mine's my own'