Anyone else happy to stay single forever

[Gorgeoussunset]

I am divorced and have been single for 5 years now. I genuinely do not hate men and have many male friends and some family. But unlike some of my female friends I don't want to be in a relationship. I don't have any need for a man in my life, and don't see that changing. I'm a bit surprised to feel like this, but not regretful. Some of my friends claim to understand but then go on about meeting the right person etc. Wonder if anyone else feels this way?

[Atenco]

Lovely posts, sixteenclumsyandshy
Yes, it is a shame. I never deliberately stayed on my own, but it just didn't happen. I certainly wasn't going to drop my standards just because as an older woman without much free time, there were slim pickings.

[WannaBe]

I certainly think that we as a society need to step away from this thought process that women need a man to be fulfilled. I certainly don't. And although I'm in a relationship now, it wasn't one I went looking for, and if for any reason it were to end there is no way I would go looking for another one.

I suppose that for me it wouldn't so much be the case that I would deliberately remain single I.e. if I met someone and it worked then I wouldn't be closed to the idea, but I would never have signed up to a dating site or similar, and if I hadn't met DP then I'm certain I would have happily remained single iyswim.

[Allofaflumble]

Sixteen that was a great post. I don't think I misunderstood your use of the word sad, but I do agree with your heartfelt explanations.

[Lorelei76]

Wanna "I certainly think that we as a society need to step away from this thought process that women need a man to be fulfilled"

Yes we really do and it's got worse - like many things lately, it's taken a step back rather than forward.

[noego]

There is something attractive about a woman who is strong and independent. Women have been objectified far to long and I love the fact that they step away from convention, cultural norms and become non conformist and yet still remain feminine.

[Gorgeoussunset]

There was a guardian article recently about single women using sperm banks in Denmark. This has apparently never been more socially accepted. Many of the beneath the line comments were from men bemoaning the situation and the effect on children. But the women never said they didn't want a man ever. Even had they said that, isn't that their right to choose? They didn't see parenthood and a lover having to be inextricably linked. I have to say I found very interesting the long post of sixteenclumsyandshy. A refreshing and thoughtful insight.

[Shiningexample]

They appear to be so happy and high functioning that I sometimes think I would like to have a sex change, get married and then divorced to be one of them
Blimey, straight from the horses mouth...as it were!

Very interesting post six thank you for sharing your insights😇

[Lorelei76]

Noego - sadly I think your post sums up the approach of men who, on hearing "no thanks I don't date" still persist in asking.

I had a single male friend, who is a bit desperate tbh, describe to me what he wanted, and I had to say "you've just described the kind of woman who is happier alone". I'm hoping he will learn to be happy alone but maybe some of start out that way and it's not a thing to learn. I just think there's so much brainwashing for both partnership and babies.

[user1477416713]

The book Wifework quotes statistics showing that single women have better health outcomes than married women. The opposite is true for men. I think we can all probably work out why marriage is good for men's health and bad for women 's...

[Gorgeoussunset]

Interesting point about men being attracted to the kind of women who are happier alone. By "strong and independent" some men seem to understand "has her own money and life but on balance still wants/needs a man to move to a higher level of fulfilment". No thanks. Not just today, likely forever, no thanks. I am also interested in the example of Japan where supposedly many younger people of both sexes have rejected the traditional relationships model and remain single. I read of the Greek story of the women of an ancient city going on a sex strike to I think end a war. This thread to me is not that, not even close but in one sense there is a sense that with women now having so many more life options men will face a choice to make themselves more attractive to those women who are still interested, to become happier alone themselves, or possibly to learn how to find affection and sensuality and companionship with each other as so many women have done.

[Shiningexample]

I think we can all probably work out why marriage is good for men's health and bad for women 's...

Indeed!
But surely it doesn't have to be like that?

masculinity (as with femininity) is culturally constructed, we should be able to move to a modern version which doesn't involve having a female partner who serves a mans needs at the expense of her own wellbeing

[LineyReborn]

Thank you Six for such an insightful response. I keep trying to guess where you are (in my head). I left a farflung corner of the British Isles as an 18 year old because it was to me such an oppressive place to be a young woman. My female friends who stayed are all divorced (early 50s) and do seem happier.

[Shiningexample]

"strong and independent" some men seem to understand "has her own money and life but on balance still wants/needs a man to move to a higher level of fulfilment"

Kind of:
'that strong independent woman could be a real asset to me, I must capture her and harness her strengths and abilities for my own benefit. I'll make out that she can achieve a higher level of fulfillment by having me in her life, but really she's going to be my golden goose'

Is that what you mean Gorgeous or have I misread you?

[Newbrummie]

That makes me feel ill
All I see in that statement is a conman

[LineyReborn]

'that strong independent woman could be a real asset to me, I must capture her and harness her strengths and abilities for my own benefit. I'll make out that she can achieve a higher level of fulfillment by having me in her life, but really she's going to be my golden goose'

Oh God I have a horrible feeling that that's what my ExDH saw in me. And when I wouldn't play ball to his satisfaction he punished me by having an affair with a woman at work. Twice. Then he left me (and the DCs). Then he got all arsey with me and put me through some dreadful years because I think he twigged that I despised him.

So now I have been involved with a good man for a few years and I'm happy that we don't live together while I scope him out. I'm not going through all that shit again, ever.

[ninenicknames]

Happy to be single. But need sex

[Gorgeoussunset]

Shining while your interpretation is quite possibly true for some manipulative men, my meaning was more like they the men think
" she clearly has extremely high standards and does.not require any old man. I am sexually attracted to her lack of neediness and if I impress her sufficiently she will see that together we could be at a higher level of happiness and fulfilment than even the already high level she is now at"

[Lorelei76]

So many interesting observations
I think also there's an element of the single but wanting a partner type asking out the independent type with the idea that it will be fun for the independent one, completely failing to see the singleness as the root of the happy life.

In the past I had friends say "you don't enjoy being single, you enjoy life generally", I had to correct them because I never really enjoyed life while coupled up. I'm not a life enjoyer generally IYSWIM.

They seem to get it now though there's one who remains surprised when I turn down dates. But she's a "single and pretending to be happy" which is a whole other thread.

[noego]

Strong and independent does not mean that a woman does not need love, affection, intimacy or sex in their lives. it means they can have relationships based on their own needs and are equal for both partners. What is wrong with the statement. I am happy with my "single" life. You are happy with your "single" life. So lets get together sometimes and be happy together. Sharing common interests be that film arts, theatre, days out, meals, holidays and not be frightened of having those intimate moments.. And yet not live together.
Independence and being single is a choice. They may be financially independent or not. Who cares. Sharing common ground is the mainstay of the relationship whether it is open or otherwise. It is much more adult, open and honest. Boundaries are set at the beginning of the relationship. I have five female friends who are all single and independent. We are all happy with the situation without living with each other or living in each others pockets. We talk everyday, exchange texts and communicate as real friends. They do not feel intimidated, manipulated or threatened.
It quite simply just works.

[singleandfabulous]

This is a really interesting thread. To answer your question OP, yes I do feel the same way to a certain degree in so far as I love the freedom that being single brings.

However, I'd be lying if I said I didn't miss the companionship and sex that come with a relationship. Yes, I have friends but no male friends so I miss male company (I have male collagues but obviously can't be very open with them). I have tried making male friends but they're often insulted that you're not interested in them sexually. I also miss the quality of sex you get in a relationship, as opposed to that which you get from a more casual encounter. More than anything else though, I miss flirting with an attractive man, kissing and having someone to massage me and go for days out. I'd love to find someone to see a couple of times a month or so to do that kind of thing with who didn't want to be with me all the time, which can be suffocating in my experience.

I do tend to find though that all the good ones are taken or looking for younger women.

[Lorelei76]

Noego are you talking about FWB? Not for me, that's all.
I think there's quite a few single women, maybe men too, who don't want sex but I think it's become taboo to say that.

[noego]

SAF. You can have that.

[Lorelei76]

Don't know what SAF stands for.

[noego]

singleandfabulous