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Original poster

He's been leading a double life and I want to expose him for the c**t that he is

126 replies

Lollysuns · 17/12/2016 14:43

I feel sick. Will try not to drip feed. I've been seeing a man since July. We work in the same building (different floor). He's got two kids, youngest 16. He told me he was separated (I know). Why did I believe him? Well I've been to his house regularly, never met his kids but I was aware he and his ex wife were on 'good terms' and that she sometimes stayed in the house, if there was a family event like a birthday.

I see him all the time. We got home from work together, drive to work. Often have lunch. He calls me in the evenings, sometimes he whispers but says it's because the kids are sleeping. Nothing made me think otherwise and last month he said in the new year I should meet his ex wife as he and I were getting more serious.

Yesterday I was at his house like normal and he nipped out. The phone went to voicemail and his 'ex' wife leaves a voicemail that I can hear as she's speaking, and it's very very clear they are not at all separated! From the voicemail it sounded like she has been away a lot to look after an elderly parent.

We had a blazing row and he said that his wife is crazy and one minute she wants it to work the next she doesn't and is asking him to leave. He's said he wants to talk to me but I've blocked his number because I am so fucking angry and distraught.

I love him. I hate him so much for this, I feel a fool. Should I expose him? I have hundreds of emails, photos and texts that basically show us as in a relationship. I'm so angry I can't believe he has done this.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 18/12/2016 14:03

No trace of her in the house? What's he lying about then?

user1479989941 · 18/12/2016 14:38

Typical response to someone who's been found out.. saying ex is crazy. I too was in the same situation. My ex lived 5 mins away in same town, we were both divorced with 2 kids but always knew he had multiple female friends at work. I didn't sleep over in the week but spent whole weekends at his or vice Versa and spent every evening at his. I used to get a feeling that he was chatting to other women as he used to take ages coming to the door and I cd see his laptop was shut every time I went round.
I dismissed my intuition until same thing happened and he popped out and a message popped up onto his phone.. funny enough he always placed it face down but it was charging so cd see it. I nearly fainted reading it as he was obviously having a relationship with someone at work who was also engaged.There was no reason why he would cheat as we had no financial ties but he instead chose to betray me.He was seeing her when away with work, during work hours and popping in to hers after work , then arrive home and rung me all sweetness and light asking what were having for tea and being lovely and wanting sex again(yuk). I was humiliated but thankfully found out before too late. I wanted to out him at work and to her fiancé as found her on Facebook but stopped myself . Just walk away with dignity.

keepingonrunning · 18/12/2016 22:29

The wife is unlikely to be crazy. She is, however, likely to be tormented - sensing she is being fed lies at least some of the time and there is something she doesn't know, yet being told she is imagining things. It's mental cruelty.

Original poster
Lollysuns · 19/12/2016 00:04

I have decided she needs to know. Not sure it should come from me though and also selfishly worried about the impact at work. Gossip spreads fast!

OP posts:
keepingonrunning · 19/12/2016 00:34

I would want to know but pleeease wait till after Christmas. There is no pressing hurry to throw this grenade into her life, is there? And you think she is caring for an elderly relative too, who may or may not be near the end of their life.
If you tell her now she will remember the devastation she felt on the anniversary of her life falling apart in the lead up to every Christmas. I think that would be unkind and with the main purpose of displacing your anger.
It's all about the timing.
I understand you are raging inside - believe me, 5 months is relatively a very short time period to be duped - but I recommend doing nothing for now while there is a risk you direct your anger at the wrong target, just to make yourself feel better. You will have more clarity of thought after more time has passed and the strength of your emotions have subsided a little.

Bogeyface · 19/12/2016 03:07

I agree with Keeping

Tell her, but not yet. Give it a month, let the poor woman remember Xmas as a good time.

I have PTSD as a result of something that happened to me on Xmas Eve, it ruins every Xmas. No ones fault, one of those things, but the timing was shite. You can make every Xmas shit for her from now on, or you could wait. Please wait.

UsedToBeAPaxmanFan · 19/12/2016 03:35

Sorry if I've missed it in an earlier post, but when you were staying at his house, where were the children? If you haven't met them yet then presumably they don't live there f/t, and if the youngest is 16 then he presumably lives with his mum?

If I think about my house, even if DH and I had separate bedrooms, there is evidence everywhere else that a woman lives in the house. My shoes, coats etc are in the cloakroom. My post is in the study. There are photos of me and dh in the living room. If there's none of this in your boyfriend's house and his kids don't live there, then he's probably telling the truth. Although the "my ex wife is crazy" story rings huge alarm bells.

ShadowMane · 19/12/2016 08:47

Alternatively she might look at it as ruined anyway when she looks back on Christmas this year as a sham

KatelovesJames · 19/12/2016 10:56

My exh told one OW that I was nuts and smashed the conservatory door in anger. In reality he pushed me through it.

I'm sorry

Original poster
Lollysuns · 19/12/2016 11:01

Feel so angry today.

I can't believe people can be so disgusting. Saw him this morning and he asked me to go to lunch with him.

Just. Don't. Lie.

OP posts:
user1479989941 · 19/12/2016 11:03

I agree , keep it under wraps until after Christmas. It maybe that they are in the stage of separating but not knowing what they want. My ex and I were sharing the house during our separation but still went out as a family for sake of kids and when we started dating it became very complicated as we were amicable and others didn't understand...not everyone is unfriendly during a divorce so maybe you've got the wrong end of the stick unless she was really lovey dovey or made it clear they were having sex.. although how did you get that from a voicemail? He may be telling the truth.

Stormtreader · 19/12/2016 11:36

What were your plans for Christmas? These things always seem to fall apart over the "big family holidays" that theres no easy dodge for.

ImtheChristmasCarcass · 19/12/2016 14:31

You said 'Hell no and do NOT talk to me', right?

You need to let him know that he should NOT approach you at work unless it is 100% work related, threaten him with HR if you must.

Focus on yourself and doing things to lift yourself up. If it would help, write that letter/email to his wife now but do not send it. Write it as a word doc or on paper so there's no chance of accidentally hitting 'send'. Get it all out now then set it aside, edit and send it after the holidays.

Original poster
Lollysuns · 19/12/2016 20:26

Thanks for all the support. Today was pretty bad. He wanted to talk after work. I said no. He's asked to talk tomorrow. I might speak to him then, but I'm still angry he's lied anyway in some way, even if he was telling me the truth about their situation (which I doubt...).

I don't want to be the one to tell her. Is it cowardly to pretend I'm someone else?

OP posts:
LIZS · 19/12/2016 20:35

You don't have to talk to or even acknowledge him. Nor are you obliged to tell her. Can you change your usual routine to avoid running into him.

Original poster
Lollysuns · 19/12/2016 20:38

I could avoid it if I tried (and I will), but I'm still likely to see him often

I want to rid myself of the anger I'm feeling as it's just damaging me every time I think about what's happened. Wish I could forget it. Will it feel better in time?

OP posts:
kaputt · 19/12/2016 22:57

this man is lying out his arse OP and I can't believe anyone is thinking 'oh well maybe it's true'.

Just look at it logically. If you were sane enough to keep a relatively harmonious family home together for months and months at a time, despite your marriage being failing/failed/whatever, are you at the same time 'crazy' enough to rip doors off? If you knew your marriage was done and in all likelihood you and your husband were going to see other people, would your husband be completely unable to mention that he's seeing someone new?

He's LYING. Bollocks to whether or not her stuff was in the house or whether they sleep in the same bed or WHAT, op. He's full of shit and I'd bet my hat the reason for all this marital strife is a long running series of 'incidents' with people like you.

kaputt · 19/12/2016 22:59

Oh wait, I didn't mean 'people like you' as though you're bad people - just that I bet you're not the first he's fooled.

springydaffs · 19/12/2016 23:20

If you see him he will weave a web of lies around you. So plausible Hmm

Only see him if you have the floor. Shut him down so he doesn't get a chance to speak. Take him down if that's what you want to do.

Wait until after christmas to tell the wife. It's irrelevant whether they are or aren't in a relationship - the lies that are the issue.

thegoodnameshadgone · 20/12/2016 00:03

Why not text him after Christmas and say I'm just outside and see what the response is? If it's all innocent and what he's saying is true it won't be a problem?

WellErrr · 20/12/2016 07:42

I would just email. With an offer to meet if she wants.

user1479989941 · 20/12/2016 10:44

Don't know the tone of the wife's voicemail or what she said but seems weird that he felt comfortable enough to take you to his house and leave you in the house alone if he was still with wife.What about neighbours etc. I've been a situation where a boyfriend sneaked me into his house and never left me out of his sight and found out he was still married but Was separated but wife couldn't afford to move out.She was super friendly to him but in the end she left and unfortunately we broke up after a year.
you must have other evidence they are a couple than a phone call. Wouldn't he be distancing himself from you after being caught rather than trying to see you if he had been caught out?.Most men I know get really defensive when caught out and turn nasty when rumbled when lying.
I personally wouldn't be telling her myself as you will only feel better yourself and you will never be with him if that's what you want.Try to decide what you want to happen. You will be hated if you are exposing him as he may then paint you as crazy.
I think you need all the facts before you confront her. Let the anger subside and just leave him to sort his life out as don't think it's up to you.

loobyloo1234 · 20/12/2016 11:08

All I'll say OP is I know how you feel. I agree with PP that say tell her, but I would definitely wait until after Christmas just in case. It's not her fault. And she will forever remember this moment so be kind to her

In the meantime, I would block him and avoid him until you have spoken with her

Branleuse · 20/12/2016 11:34

hes a dirty liar. I would tell his wife

Original poster
Lollysuns · 20/12/2016 19:42

Thank you for all the posts. I hate that this has happened. 3 days to get through and then some time away.

Don't know how I'm going to manage it.

OP posts: