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Original poster

He's been leading a double life and I want to expose him for the c**t that he is

126 replies

Lollysuns · 17/12/2016 14:43

I feel sick. Will try not to drip feed. I've been seeing a man since July. We work in the same building (different floor). He's got two kids, youngest 16. He told me he was separated (I know). Why did I believe him? Well I've been to his house regularly, never met his kids but I was aware he and his ex wife were on 'good terms' and that she sometimes stayed in the house, if there was a family event like a birthday.

I see him all the time. We got home from work together, drive to work. Often have lunch. He calls me in the evenings, sometimes he whispers but says it's because the kids are sleeping. Nothing made me think otherwise and last month he said in the new year I should meet his ex wife as he and I were getting more serious.

Yesterday I was at his house like normal and he nipped out. The phone went to voicemail and his 'ex' wife leaves a voicemail that I can hear as she's speaking, and it's very very clear they are not at all separated! From the voicemail it sounded like she has been away a lot to look after an elderly parent.

We had a blazing row and he said that his wife is crazy and one minute she wants it to work the next she doesn't and is asking him to leave. He's said he wants to talk to me but I've blocked his number because I am so fucking angry and distraught.

I love him. I hate him so much for this, I feel a fool. Should I expose him? I have hundreds of emails, photos and texts that basically show us as in a relationship. I'm so angry I can't believe he has done this.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollysuns · 17/12/2016 18:37

She sounded really casual and said what time she'd be back, something about what they'd have for dinner and then about how her mum was doing. It just all seemed very usual... like they ate together every night.

OP posts:
loveyoutothemoon · 17/12/2016 18:42

So he never mentioned that they sometimes eat together?

Mum4Fergus · 17/12/2016 18:46

You wanted to meet her within first week of you being with him?! Hmm

Original poster
Lollysuns · 17/12/2016 18:55

I think he's said they'd eaten twice together since July. But always related to the kids so if one of them had a school play or something, they'd have dinner afterwards.

OP posts:
TheNaze73 · 17/12/2016 18:59

You've fallen for the oldest trick in the book OP.

He's made the schoolboy error of having an affair, with someone who has less to lose.

Hang the wanker out to dry

Cricrichan · 17/12/2016 19:11

Well it seems a bit strange that you've been to his house so often. I wouldn't have suspected anything either.

I'd call or message his wife telling her what's been going on and see what she says. You'll undoubtedly get the truth from her.

ivykaty44 · 17/12/2016 19:15

I'd tell her you have been seeing him but had no idea he was not seperate so you are now mortified and want nothing more to do with him. Then it's up to her what she does, what she believes etc.

Move on

jeaux90 · 17/12/2016 19:22

Gosh lolly. It must be so hard for you. I can't imagine how angry you are coupled with the grief of losing something you thought was really good.

In your position I would be tempted to tell her.

It really depends on what you want out of her finding out. If it's just so she has the knowledge and can then decide what she wants to do I would tell her myself, in person.

grafia123 · 17/12/2016 19:26

Something similar happened to me. I found out I was pregnant. I decided the best thing to do was to move on. That was 8 years ago. His wife never found out until recently (very long story). Honestly, walking away from this situation and not having any hard feelings is the best thing to do.

grafia123 · 17/12/2016 19:31

I don't know if what I said made sense. Of course you will be upset. What I mean is that moving on from him and focusing on your own life and forgetting about him is the best thing to do. But if you prefer to tell his wife then of course you can but I doubt it will make you feel any better.

I didn't tell the wife of the man who lied to me. I found out recently they split a few years later so he probably did the same thing again. I was glad I had moved on and left them to it

BubblingUp · 17/12/2016 19:56

What if you call the wife and she says the same thing as he has said - yes, we haven't had sex in 3 years, yes, the marriage is over - then you get your answer. The husband should consent to that call even - so he can be vindicated. He should want you to call her to clarify and confirm if he is telling the truth.

LIZS · 17/12/2016 20:05

It wasn't you that posted a month or two back. You used his "room" together while she was absent and they were only living this apparently odd arrangement until the teenage dc had left home Hmm sorry but I think he's used you and you have chosen to ignore the warning signs. Extract yourself asap and rebuild your self esteem and dignity alone. I bet you aren't the first or last to fall for it, it may even be an open secret at work.

honeyroar · 17/12/2016 20:41

Tell him that the only way he can salvage your relationship is if you are introduced to his wife this week. It's the only way you'll believe him, and if you really are the love of his life you can ride any storm together. See what his reaction is... I think you can guess.

I was cheated on by my ex. We were engaged and he had a relationship with the ow for three months, although she knew about me. The worst thing was that people knew and nobody told me. She might not be mad. I saw a bloke from work for a few weeks and discovered he was married the same day his wife found his texts to me. She rang me, we had a perfectly civil chat. I was angrier at him than she was. It helped her corner him. So in your shoes I'd put on my big girl pants and contact her, then shut the door on him and walk off into the sunset with my head held high to lick my wounds.

Jaynebxl · 17/12/2016 20:48

I maybe flamed for this but what if he's telling the truth? I think I would really want to speak to the wife to find out.

Purplehonesty · 17/12/2016 20:53

Phone her.
Even if that's true and they are technically separated, the fact that he lied about them still living together and sneaked you in while she was away is bloody awful.
Deal breaker for sure.

whatdayisittomorrow · 17/12/2016 21:06

Tell her put that poor woman out of her misery.

Zoflorabore · 17/12/2016 21:08

How did you tell him that you heard the voicemail and how did he react?

I'm surprised that he has been so brazen to be honest, what about the neighbours seeing another woman at the house- you.

Did you tend to go there at specific times on specific days? Did you go out and about locally together where her family could have seen you both?
Sorry for all the questions it just doesn't make sense to me.

Original poster
Lollysuns · 17/12/2016 21:12

I want to tell her. Just scared of all the things he told me last night about her, though I guess he was always going to do that as he doesn't want me to speak to her!

I can't be with him now anyway, even if they are separated, because he has clearly lied about the dynamics between them. The voicemail was far too comfortable compared with the situation as he described it (i.e. They got on for the kids but that was it). So I would only be telling her because I'm so angry. What about the poor kids though, youngest is 16

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollysuns · 17/12/2016 21:15

Yes always saw him at specific times but my job is very busy so it was almost timetabled around my day rather than his. I never thought about that much, it was just our routine we were in. I thought we were very happy together.

We would be seen in public, her family aren't around here and nor are his. I spent time with his best friend, he's very loyal to this man though so even if he knew he wouldn't have told me I don't think

OP posts:
Original poster
Lollysuns · 17/12/2016 21:22

I can't believe this has happened. I thought he was so amazing. I will be so suspicious of anyone now. Can't imagine meeting anyone again.

OP posts:
Helloooooitsme · 17/12/2016 21:25

Well you knew she had her own room at the house which lets face it is a very unusual set up. Like pps have said, maybe what he said was true.

Original poster
Lollysuns · 17/12/2016 21:28

He's telling me not to tell her because he wants to 'give it time.' He claims it will affect his time spent with the kids as she won't want to cooperate with him so much, and she'd would never stay over etc.

But my view is...There's no reason not to tell her if there's nothing going on.

OP posts:
Bogeyface · 17/12/2016 21:30

Maybe they are seperated, or living together but apart iykwim. But clearly she doesnt know that he is seeing someone, or he wouldnt be shitting himself now.

Whether they are together or not is not really the point, the fact is that he has lied to both of you, that is the dealbreaker.

Zoflorabore · 17/12/2016 21:39

He could be telling the truth op, I doubt it but there is a possibility.

alphabook · 17/12/2016 21:40

If the situation is exactly as he describes (no sex and separate lives for 3 years) there's no reason for her to not know about you. No matter what state their marriage is in, he clearly lied to you about being separated. And I would bet money on her not being crazy in the slightest.