How on earth can I keep us all safe?

[cherrycrumblecustard]

I was going to make this post about "my friend" but honestly, I think I just need to be open about me.

How do you cope? When you live with someone who

will hit (not hard and not enough to bruise but will hityou and also shove, thump things near you and so on)
won't take no for an answer for sex, pulls your pants down as you pull them up, insists, ejaculates when you don't want them to and have asked/begged/pleaded not to
controls EVERYTHING

I need out, but I am TERRIFIED of leaving my children, our children, with him

Thanks Cherry and Seeking,
I dont want to hijack your thread Cherry but please carve out moments of space for yourself if possible, give yourself time to read and research, thats whats ive been doing and i think it has made me stronger.

Nobody will have all the answers for you or know what you need but mumsnet is a great support so keep posting.

He was being benevolent and nice with the nursery money and you can probably think of many times he is like this but then an equal amount of times when he is not.
Its all in his control, he can choose to be nice or not.

Start to formulate a plan, it is hard and uneasy and unending and you will question yourself a thousand times more.

I have no friends to turn too (i have friends but grown apart and i let it happen) and i feel like a burden on my mums who is ill and ive made so many excuses and minimised so much and ive tried to leave and eventually got talked into working harder on our marriage as i was part of the problem too.

I may be a problem but i dont deserve abuse and neither do you Cherry.

Cherry you do not deserve all that you have mentioned and im sure there is so much you haven't, you may have have done stupid things but so has everyone and not one of us deserves this.
You are a good mother and will continue to be and you are lovable and i hope someone gets the chance to show you that you are lovable.

With the best will in the world, why did you have to "admit" that you needed money for the nursery? For his child, bearing in mind that you don't work?? What were you supposed to do?

Why shouldn't he be understanding? Read through your post again - you are grateful for what to everyone else is just normal behaviour. (Not criticising just trying to help. )

The example you just gave Cherry is an example of control not of a nice moment with him.

You have to ask for the money to be transferred as you clearly don't have access to that account (which in itself is control) - cos he wants to retain control of the finances. It's not him generously giving you what you need as the loving gesture, the fact he gets to meter it out - including the extra, is control. Especially the extra.

I read that about the nursery and was going to post, but then realised that Cherry has a long long way to go and only she can do it....

Nobody should have to 'admit' they need more money to pay BOTH OF THEIR child's nursery.

Cherry, this is an example of just how damaged you are by his control. It's not irreversible. But it will require some commitment from you. You are his plaything. This is the harshest thing I'll say to you. But that's all you are to him.

Please get angry, get wiser and get informed. You CAN do it. I did. As have many others here. Doesn't have to be overnight. But step back and read up. You will soon see what he is doing. I promise you will.

Well, I do work but all my money goes on nursery fees.

Cherry you should have access to the family money too

If I didn't work, I would. It's an ongoing argument.

If I don't work, which is what he wants, I get equal access to family money. If I work, fine, but I have to pay for nursery myself.

Fiddle the house keeping and start stashing cash, just in case x

I honestly would keep working, even if the situation isn't ideal with the money thing. It gives you a bit of time out from the house and some time alone, I mean that doesn't really apply if you have a stressful job but anyway

Cherry you say:

"I get equal access to family money"

No. You don't.

1. He controls the accounts
2. He controls how much you get
3. He controls when you get it
4. If you want any access you have to not go out to work (that's ANOTHER example of him controlling you)
5. You don't have equal access (you have no access unless he gives it to you - that's as good as no access).

Thank you

I very much doubt you'd get equal access to money if you stopped working. He'd then use the argument that he was supporting you and he was in charge.

Don't stop working. It is your escape, your contact with the outside world and it will allow you to support yourself when you leave.
He knows all this, which is why he doesn't want you to work.

I think one of the reasons I do get lonely is because I haven't got a "proper" job. He did everything he could to stop me working. As soon as I had a baby (which was only two years after getting my first job) he was putting pressure on me. I went part time, he made us move. I got another job, but then everything went disastrously wrong!

Really, I would love to retrain. How it would work practically - I don't know.

I want to show everyone I'm not a pathetic wimp.

Cherry I think you come a long way in your thinking in a few short days. I can understand that you are not ready to leave yet, or to tell him to leave. I can understand that you have huge reservations about what life would be like if you separate. And that you need to further process all of the things you are thinking about now.

I just wondered though. If you could describe a good relationship, your ideal relationship, what would it look like? Not the trappings of house, holidays, car, clothes or whatever, but the actual time together as a couple, day in and day out.

Does what you're thinking have much in common with your current relationship?

Agatha I don't know, because I don't know what a good relationship is. That's probably why I shouldn't really be in one! Certainly the thing I'm desperately trying to avoid but is hitting me over the head is that he doesn't really love me, at all, he loves the fact he can control and manipulate me.

That hurts. I can't pretend it doesn't, it really hurts - but it's true, I think.

I think it's true too, because he wouldn't treat you like that if he truly loved you. That must hurt. Remember though, that you are worthy of love.

Have you ever had any counselling? On your own, not as a couple. I really think you could benefit from having some. Although I would think that it would be better to not tell your H about it if you do.

A bit but it didn't change how I felt about me.

I do really crave affection but I don't get it. And people who give me affection do it while telling me what a bad person I am. So I know my self perception is jumbled.

Oh Cherry you've made a great step forwards with this last post - so so hurtful to realise that it's not real love but all about control and manipulation.

Bloody well done that you're starting to be able to recognise this even though it's terribly saddening to have to come to that realisation.

Maybe, if you don't know what a really good relationship would contain, what about turning that on its head and writing down what it WOULDN'T contain? Would that help?

It really really does hurt Cherry and that's an awful part of this process but you would come out stronger the other side, I promise. It's one of the inevitable steps (a negative if you like) but the possible positives going forward will WAY outweigh these difficult realisations. Insight like this is absolutely critical so kudos to you for having managed to get to this point of understanding.

So I know my self perception is jumbled - it really, really is. You are so hard on yourself.

Would you consider asking your GP for some counselling? I really think that talking to someone who is 'safe' could be a huge benefit to you.

You need to love yourself, to like yourself, and you just don't seem to at the moment. That's hardly surprising, considering your circumstances. But it is something that you could and should work on.

Hi Cherry, what a difference a day makes! You already have much more clarity in your posts today, even though it probably doesn't feel like that to you. On the issue of the nursery fees (and please don't panic when I say this) but if you read up on abuse, you will see that these men sense a change in you and they start to act all sweetness and light. You are left thinking 'maybe I got this wrong, maybe I am exaggerating'. It's all by design and is part of the cycle.

I wonder if you can google solace women's aid and see if you can get through to them instead of the hotline? I tried them and they were so great, they were calling me with support, counselling and a support worker all within a week. Give that a try. Like someone said earlier, when I rang women's aid, I spent the first 5 minutes apologising for using up their time when they could've been helping someone who really needed it. I even emailed them before I rang to check I was being abused as I was too ashamed to ring.

You mentioned that you think you're a bit snobbish? Are you worried that if people found out they would think it serves you right or have no sympathy for you? That won't happen. Also, in terms of friends, very few of us had any throughout the abusive relationship. You can't get close to anyone because you know in reality that you won't be able to commit to or maintain the friendship. When you don't have to walk on eggshells anymore, you will have more mental energy to invest in these things. At the moment, you think your husband is your best friend...we all thought that, but now you are realising that any friend wouldn't treat you the way he does.

I am so pleased for you that you are acknowledging what is happening. You will get stronger and you will be the lioness who protects her cubs. You've just been so conditioned and trained to think you can't do it and you believe it, for now. I got to the point where I felt so lonely and worthless that I thought I might as well be on my own, because I am anyway. You will get there too.

Need to screw my courage to the wall or whatever the quotation is :) and not fail.

Well done cherry

Oh Cherry reading your posts today there is so much strength in you, whether you feel it right now or not!

I've tried to leave before and I'm terrified I'm wrecking my children's lives. They must feel so insecure.

And you will try again and you will succeed. Don't look back.