At rock bottom- 2 years thrown away on a text

[yestocarrots]

Just hoping for a bit of a hand hold. Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling very bleak right now and have no one to talk to. Please, someone, sanity check me. I am reeling from a turn of events that has put me into a depression worse than any I've experienced in a while.

My ex partner was an army guy. We lived quite separate lives because he was posted the other side of the country to my city, but we saw each other most weekends. He has known my dd since she was tiny (she's now 2). Been a dad to her in every way, it was like we were a family. We argued quite a lot always about the same things- he didn't communicate much at all during the week, often would only text, and would get angry and belligerent if I expressed a wish for this to change. I wasn't perfect- I had bad PND and would get very emotional in conflicts which seemed to frustrate him. I was working full time in a demanding job and running a home and being a single parent and I know I took shit out on him. But I also loved him deeply. Showed it in any ways I could. Keeping the house lovely for when he came, making plans for days out and little holidays, putting on Xmas for him including a stocking and a sack of gifts, sending him packages, kept myself available for him basically every weekend and never asked for more than just more contact in the week (which frankly he never made the effort to change.) Earlier this year he was posted abroad at very short notice. I was devastated and scared but we both mutually agreed we would not let it break us. Both of us were in bits the day he left.
Then it all fell apart. While he was away I got so used to us not being able to communicate at all, I just sort of shut down. But my eating disorder and depression came back with a vengeance. My periods stopped entirely and I nearly lost my job through stress. I found it impossible coping with work, health and my toddler, I missed my best friend and partner so much. I sent him packages but it was all I could do. I had bought him special notepaper to write to me and he never did, when I asked him to once he snapped and ridiculed me as he thought it was such a trivial thing for me to want. When I finally confessed I wasn't coping and didn't know how to deal, told him my health was deteriorating and I just needed to know a rough time of when he would be back, or needed some more support (I don't really have any IRL and I didn't get support from the army as we weren't married.) he was furious when I said all this. Accused me of breaking up with him, saying I had no empathy for the stressful situation he was in, was so angry it shocked and hurt me to the core. It was like the more upset I was the more angry he was. After a week or so of this I suggested we go on a break til he got back as the miscommunication seemed tto be so damaging (I now deeply regret this as feel it was selfish but literally at the time I couldn't stand this anger coming from him and the fact that in fact he had no empathy for me.)
Within a month he had a date to return to the UK. I asked how/when I could come and meet him off the plane at the base. He never got round to letting me know- he was too busy apparently. He didn't let me know he was back in the UK til he had been there almost a week. He then asked on the Wednesday if I was free on the Friday to meet and talk. I had a work commitment I couldn't get out of and said I couldn't, but asked how he was and how the journey was. His response- "Are you serious?! All that bullshit about priorities and you won't meet me. Bye then". I immediately replied asking why we couldn't do the weekend instead. He simply replied "don't bother contacting me again." All by text. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe he did that. A month later he still hadnt come to his sense. I was missing him terribly but so hurt from his text I hadn't contacted him. Finally got up the courage and texted him. He responded so furiously and verbally abusively and yet we ended up sleeping together twice, him telling me one minute that I had hurt him so much and was a shit person with no empathy, then next that he loved me and was sorry i suffered so much when he was away. I was so confused about how he twisted it into me having done something unforgivable by not being able to see him when he decided I should. After 2 weeks of hell he texted me to tel me he would be no worse off if he ever saw me again. I've been bereft all over again. Calling him in tears- sometimes he answers and is reassuring, sometimes he won't answer but sends angry texts. Texting him how much I love and miss him, how sorry I am for what I did and begging him to see me. He has stopped responding altogether. I just don't know what to do. My dd calls him daddy- he said in a year it would be like he had never existed to her. I miss him so much, I can't bear how this has played out. I feel racked with guilt. I just want him to understand why I shut him out. I'm still having tests for my lack of periods, I'm still suffering terribly with my bulimia but he just accuses me of having no empathy and making his life hell. I feel so guilty I want to just hurt myself.

Sorry- I know it was long. I just need someone to tell me I didn't deserve this. He slept with me and told me he loved me just 2 weeks ago. I just want to curl up and cry. 2 years meant nothing to him in the end.

He played you.

He got you to tie yourself up in knots.

He wasn't happy - you tried harder.
He got upset - you tried harder.
He didn't want to see you - you tried harder.

Notice a pattern?

He didn't tell you he was back in the UK for a week - and that was OK by him. The moment you can't see him at short notice because you have to work - it's a deal breaker. And instead of you being angry at him being unreasonable, you've been grovelling and apologising and promising you'll make it better!

This is utterly ridiculous. He is a bastard and you really need to work on your self-esteem. Don't you see? The harder you work, the more he shits all over you?

Delete his number from your phone. Block him from your social media and wipe all of his old messages. Find some counselling and work on your self-esteem and worth because honey you are worth WAY more than this douchebag will ever give you.

I'm sorry you're going through this pain. Have you posted before about him? A bell rang in my head when you mentioned your flat - it being a rather convenient Base for him to stay while going out with his friends. Was that you OP? If so, it seems like he was using you even when things were going 'well' with him. Either way, please take pps advice - concentrate on your health and the little one. It WILL get better.

I guess I'm scared of never finding a good relationship or my own crap affecting me forever in relationships. Yes I had a disastrous relationship before this guy, it was relatively short and I fell pregnant accidentally and that guy never wanted to know, I kept my baby obviously but her real dad blocked me during the pregnancy and hasn't been heard of since. I guess I was vulnerable but I have known this guy since I was 20 (we lost touch for a few years) and I trusted him, I guess it felt like he genujnely wanted me and my dd and I did see it as a forever relationship. I thought he did too. I want to get angry at him as you all suggest but I feel angry at me too because I hate how insecure, needy and vulnerable I must seem. I also hate that if he thought all that of me and our relationship, he didn't break up with me before the deployment rather than keeping me in the back pocket. It wasn't his fault he was deployed but the way he ended it afterwards just made everything that came before seem so strange and trivial. its so hard to get your head round the fact the relationship you thought you had never even existed. Why were we so toxic for each other? We both wanted it to work. Was he always a shit because of his former cheating and his desire to have it all on his terms from the start? Should I have seen that? I keep asking myself so many questions. HOW can I get well? How can I pull this round for Christmas for my dd when I still see him everywhere in memories in my flat and the places we used to go? I feel like I've forgotten how to react normally.

Darling, just because he wasn't as toxic as your Ex doesn't make him Prince Charming. Your twat-radar needs a good polish and re-tune.

Sometimes a bastard is a bastard, regardless of how clued up and savvy you are. Look at the number of funny, smart and feisty women are on MN who have wankbadger Exes. Sometimes they can be very clever and manipulative. This guy knew just how to reel you in and keep you on the line...treating you like shit so you were off balance and constantly trying to make things right, but never quite going far enough to push you over the edge. My guess is that every time you started to question what the fuck you were doing in this relationship, he'd turn the charm back on again.

The issue is that 'Prince Charming' is NOT his real personality. He really is a cunt, but he'll mask it every so often to keep you sweet. That's what makes it particularly pervasive and difficult to break free from. You think that if you try harder and don't complain then it will bring the Prince back again and that the cunty behaviour is your fault. It's not, and he knows this which is exactly why he does it.

Seriously get some counselling. It will help you address any lingering issues you have from your past relationship, and also to understand how to avoid choosing a relationship like this again.

Would you be happy for your daughter to be in this situation/fell like this because she's going to learn that this is ok.

He's awful, you haven't hurt him that is why he is able to keep hurting you. He is not hurt by any of this remember that. He chooses to do what he does, it's what he picks over either being a nice human being or breaking up with you and cutting ties, he chooses to continue to damage you.

You are worth so much more and he knows it. He doesn't want you to know though.

I think you need counselling and the Freedom Programme too. All this how you wanted each other and it was toxic is just rubbish. He is a prick and your ex was one too. You need to work on your self esteem and stop ridiculous relationships with no mark blokes.

He has cut ties with me. He hasn't replied anymore since last Thursday so I guess that's it. I had asked to see him that day and he said yes but I haven't asked further about that. So he isn't enough of a dick to keep feeding my sadness by responding. That's partly why I feel so bleak. I know it's over. And all I can think of is the things I miss about him. I know I didn't "make" him angry or verbally abusive, that's how he chose to react, but he has definitely saddled me with the feeling that it was down to me. Thing is I know I could be over emotional, paranoid etc but I wasn't always like that, and I trusted him enough to not give up on me but I just feel discarded. Like I no longer serve a purpose for him. Not even sex or company so he must really hate me. I miss seeing his name come up on my phone, i have one of shirts because it smells like him and I can't stand the thought of never seeing his face again. I thought I knew him so well. Sorry- having another very bad night tonight. It helps to keep thinking: if it was meant to be we wouldn't have acted as we did. I've been reading Lundy bancrofts book and see some sides of him in there but i still am finding it hard to get my head round him as an abuser, he was often my rescuer- whether by helping me with money, cuddling me when I was sad, helping with dd or listening to me when I needed to talk. It's so hard to let go.

It's definitely him. Not you

You need to cut him off completely, delete him, block him.
All along you did run after him. he did nothing in return. A relationship is 50/50. You deserve better and you can meet someone who is worth it.
I agree you seem to be taken in an abusive logic. The freedom programme could help you not to make the same mistakes again.
www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

So he isn't enough of a dick to keep feeding my sadness by responding

I'd put my shiny pound on this being due to him having shacked up with someone else. If he didn't have an alternative bolt-hole then he'd be busy fucking with your head. As it is if you keep the lines of communication open by continuing to contact him, then it gives him a green light to come back and fuck you about some more, if the other girl gives him the boot - or he fancies some variety.

I know it hurts like hell right now - I really do know because I have been there. At the moment there is an actual physical pain in your chest. You can't eat, sleep or concentrate. You alternate between feeling numb and crying. This is all normal and it will pass.

Block his number and bin the t-shirt. This is like ripping off a plaster. It will hurt like crap now, but it's better than pulling it off slowly and prolonging the pain. You won't be able to see it right now, but in time you will realise that this was a lucky escape.

Some people just aren't made for relationships. Maybe he is to immature to be with you. You will find someone to fill that gap who will love you. Not all men are like that you deserve better.

Don't torture yourself and drag this out. Throw away everything that reminds you of him and block him from contacting you. If you didn't have a daughter then you could wallow around in misery for as long as you wanted but you can't because you have a responsibility to your daughter to look after yourself and make sure you are up to being a good Mum.

Not wanting to put up xmas decorations isn't exactly helping your DD.

He has been very nasty to you on many occasions. You are well rid of him.

The best thing he has ever done to you is not respond to your recent texts.

Get some self respect and stop blaming yourself.

Thanks for your responses again. I just don't know how he could have met someone, he was on deployment then on a holiday, then supposedly so busy at work. I can only think that it's some ex he has hooked up with I feel such a fool. I told him everything about how hard it had been, how sick I had been. He didn't give a shit then and he doesn't now.

Everything PaulDacre said. Exactly.

I get an overwhelming feeling that he has a double life and another long term relationship. Hence the lack of contact you crave and no contact when he arrived home and no contact when abroad, as they have limited contact options when away so he wild have had to contact his other wife/family. Also would explain the delayed contact arriving home, and his anger when you wouldn't meet when he wanted.

Even if I am 100% wrong, this man is a selfish, abusive, horrible man. I hope you can find the strength to see this and move on.

It's possible he has a relationship with a colleague. Lots often start on deployment.

He is almost certainly with someone else regardless of who it is.

It's not that he hates you, it's that you no longer serve a purpose. You hit the nail on the head, you just added on the hating you part.

Was he just using me?

Yes.

It doesn't matter what his motivation was. He may not intend to be a nasty arse but it doesn't change the fact that that is how he behaves towards you.

You must realise that there are plenty of normal nice kind men about. No relationship is perfect but what you had was a total train crash. You have to start being sensible for your DDs sake and your own.

Just reading through this thread, it seems you OP really need to lay off men for the minute and work on your self esteem and your child. Your radar for dickheads will become better tuned the better it gets.

This person is a dickhead who isn't worth the tears you're shedding. He isn't I can guarantee sitting thinking about you.

Block and delete everything, throw the shirt away and try shut him out of your head.

Last time I spoke to him begging him to remember what we have, he just kept going back to the fact I couldn't do the specific day he wanted to meet when he got back. That this "rammed home the impression I had no empathy for him" despite it being 2 days notice and I could have done any other day. Despite him having rudely texted me "don't bother contacting me again" when I said that at the time, he apparently did expect me to contact him to make amends. I don't get it. He didn't want me to need him while he was gone but when i signed up to work things like on that Friday in an attempt to distract myself he was angry I hadn't been sitting keeping myself available. Such a double standard. I really think he should have just called me or come to my home when he was back (he even has keys to my house.) I feel so unsettled like he might have been messing around with someone else for way longer than now. All this thinking is helping me reframe how I see it and he has 100% done a disappearing act which never happened before- it's the feeling used and discarded that makes it so painful. I'm at work after a couple of days off and just feel overwhelmed with my conflicting feelings and perceptions about it all.

He's either fucking with your head, or spectacularly unselfaware of how his own actions come across. My money is on the former. Either way, you need to draw a line under it. It's not your fault and you can't make him be a decent boyfriend.

It is hard. I sympathise, I've been there. Stay strong and keep your dignity. Cut all contact and delete everything. You will start to feel better, maybe not today, but sooner than if you drag it out painfully.

When you said that you couldn't see him on the Friday, he was able able to use that as an excuse to cause an arguement, blame you for lack of empathy and end your relationship.
He was just looking for absolutely anything to create an arguement thus leading to finishing with you. He wanted to leave you with you believing it was all your fault, that is how cruel he is.
He will be feeling pleased with himself now, he has been able to end the relationship AND put all the blame on your shoulders.

Why do you think he was back in the country for a week before contacting you? What do you think he was doing?

Change your locks, the cheapest way to do that is jusr replace the central capsule, not the whole lock.

Very well done on getting back to work, focus on your job and your little daughter and most importantly your own wellbeing.

I was in your shoes when I was younger. He was a squaddie too When I was with him he treated me like a princess. Made me feel special then bam! He'd be off doing something else and I wouldn't hear from him for weeks. Then off we'd go again, same cycle. It wasn't until I went off to uni and the world opened up for me did I start realising I could do so much better.

Looking back I think it was the thrill I was addicted to, that butterflies in the stomach feeling when he'd call or I'd see him. I suspect that is what happened in your situation, you're addicted to the thought of him rather than the man himself. He takes you away from the day-to-day struggle of life as a single parent and your MH struggles.

But here's a thought, he is making you worse not better. That fix you get from being with him is poison not medicine. Poison for you and for your daughter because it makes her mum ill.

I found some very old letters that my ex had written to me. It made me cringe reading them because I can now see very clearly see the selfishness and manipulation in them. I keep them to remind me what a lucky escape I had!

You need to break this addiction you have with him OP and you will do it. Think of all the things that were shit with him and about him , take each days as it comes and I PROMISE you that one day you'll see the light and realise what a total knob he is and you deserve so much better
Try to keep occupied and for gods sake don't keep wasting your brain space on this totally toxic mind fuck! X