At rock bottom- 2 years thrown away on a text

[yestocarrots]

Just hoping for a bit of a hand hold. Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling very bleak right now and have no one to talk to. Please, someone, sanity check me. I am reeling from a turn of events that has put me into a depression worse than any I've experienced in a while.

My ex partner was an army guy. We lived quite separate lives because he was posted the other side of the country to my city, but we saw each other most weekends. He has known my dd since she was tiny (she's now 2). Been a dad to her in every way, it was like we were a family. We argued quite a lot always about the same things- he didn't communicate much at all during the week, often would only text, and would get angry and belligerent if I expressed a wish for this to change. I wasn't perfect- I had bad PND and would get very emotional in conflicts which seemed to frustrate him. I was working full time in a demanding job and running a home and being a single parent and I know I took shit out on him. But I also loved him deeply. Showed it in any ways I could. Keeping the house lovely for when he came, making plans for days out and little holidays, putting on Xmas for him including a stocking and a sack of gifts, sending him packages, kept myself available for him basically every weekend and never asked for more than just more contact in the week (which frankly he never made the effort to change.) Earlier this year he was posted abroad at very short notice. I was devastated and scared but we both mutually agreed we would not let it break us. Both of us were in bits the day he left.
Then it all fell apart. While he was away I got so used to us not being able to communicate at all, I just sort of shut down. But my eating disorder and depression came back with a vengeance. My periods stopped entirely and I nearly lost my job through stress. I found it impossible coping with work, health and my toddler, I missed my best friend and partner so much. I sent him packages but it was all I could do. I had bought him special notepaper to write to me and he never did, when I asked him to once he snapped and ridiculed me as he thought it was such a trivial thing for me to want. When I finally confessed I wasn't coping and didn't know how to deal, told him my health was deteriorating and I just needed to know a rough time of when he would be back, or needed some more support (I don't really have any IRL and I didn't get support from the army as we weren't married.) he was furious when I said all this. Accused me of breaking up with him, saying I had no empathy for the stressful situation he was in, was so angry it shocked and hurt me to the core. It was like the more upset I was the more angry he was. After a week or so of this I suggested we go on a break til he got back as the miscommunication seemed tto be so damaging (I now deeply regret this as feel it was selfish but literally at the time I couldn't stand this anger coming from him and the fact that in fact he had no empathy for me.)
Within a month he had a date to return to the UK. I asked how/when I could come and meet him off the plane at the base. He never got round to letting me know- he was too busy apparently. He didn't let me know he was back in the UK til he had been there almost a week. He then asked on the Wednesday if I was free on the Friday to meet and talk. I had a work commitment I couldn't get out of and said I couldn't, but asked how he was and how the journey was. His response- "Are you serious?! All that bullshit about priorities and you won't meet me. Bye then". I immediately replied asking why we couldn't do the weekend instead. He simply replied "don't bother contacting me again." All by text. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe he did that. A month later he still hadnt come to his sense. I was missing him terribly but so hurt from his text I hadn't contacted him. Finally got up the courage and texted him. He responded so furiously and verbally abusively and yet we ended up sleeping together twice, him telling me one minute that I had hurt him so much and was a shit person with no empathy, then next that he loved me and was sorry i suffered so much when he was away. I was so confused about how he twisted it into me having done something unforgivable by not being able to see him when he decided I should. After 2 weeks of hell he texted me to tel me he would be no worse off if he ever saw me again. I've been bereft all over again. Calling him in tears- sometimes he answers and is reassuring, sometimes he won't answer but sends angry texts. Texting him how much I love and miss him, how sorry I am for what I did and begging him to see me. He has stopped responding altogether. I just don't know what to do. My dd calls him daddy- he said in a year it would be like he had never existed to her. I miss him so much, I can't bear how this has played out. I feel racked with guilt. I just want him to understand why I shut him out. I'm still having tests for my lack of periods, I'm still suffering terribly with my bulimia but he just accuses me of having no empathy and making his life hell. I feel so guilty I want to just hurt myself.

Sorry- I know it was long. I just need someone to tell me I didn't deserve this. He slept with me and told me he loved me just 2 weeks ago. I just want to curl up and cry. 2 years meant nothing to him in the end.

It feels like I have hurt him irreparably and that's what kills me

But that's the point, isn't it - you haven't hurt him at all He's shacked up with someone else and doesn't give too hoots what's going on in your life now (as ever) What's killing you is the slow realisation that you were in a one-sided abusive relationship.

Farking hell! Just read ops most recent posts. It just gets worse. Op you have placed your emotional needs so far down the list it's frightening.
I'm not even convinced now that you are especially needy or high maintenance or any of those phrases. I think you have been worn down by emotional abuse into thinking only his wellbeing is worth anything and that's so far from the truth.

What you wrote about the 95/5% analogy reminds me of my exh who is ex forces but also very selfish and unfeeling. That's the sort of rubbish he comes out with. As in god I'm just so busy and important!!!

This wasn't a normal loving relationship at all. Op you have lost nothing and you will see that soon enough.

The hotel room incident is chilling and I understand your family's feelings about it completely. They love you are are worried about you. Please seek them out for support x

OP, I mean this with all kindness, and again, I recognise parts of myself in what you are typing and I feel how painful it is for you.

But.... I think this is more about you than it is about him; or even about the relationship. I think you have fixated on him and it as a focus when really it's a bit closer to home.

It's all too easy for me to say you will look back on this and [not exactly laugh, but you won't feel wretched like you clearly are now], but I promise you that day will come. All you need to do, one tiny little thing, is kickstart the process into happening. Delete and block. 4 syllables to start making yourself feel better.

You need to love the bones of yourself first, before you can kid yourself you love anybody else's.

Uugh, he sounds like a twat, sorry.

If you look back over the 2 years, how many months were actually happy? Certainly the last 6 months have been shit. He's been away and not that fussed to contact you. Then even when back in the UK, his first thought isn't to come and see you, is it?

Instead of mourning the 2 years, thank your lucky stars you aren't going to waste another 5, pandering to this arse hole.

Also, even if he was the nicest guy going, I don't think you are cut out to have a relationship with someone who will frequently be sent abroad for 6 month tours of duty. Nothing wrong with that, I couldn't cope with that either. It's a part time relationship isn't it? Not for me that.

Anyway, he's not the nicest guy going. He is abusive. He's not loving. He is away all the time. This man isn't for you. You deserve much better.

And....if this was 20 years from now, and you were watching your daughter in an exact replica relationship, what would your advice be?

There are approximately 30 Million penises in the UK. Pick one that isn't attached to a narcissistic twat.

And I mean that in the nicest way

OP,

I'm going to come at it from another direction. My daughter behaved like you, not once, but on 4 separate occassions until she got her shit together. Her 18yr old daughter ( my Dgd) was aware of every time she behaved like your behaving. Please don't think I'm being cruel, I just want to possibly rouse you into seeing where your priorities should be. Namely yourself & your Dd.

The upshot is, my Dgd can't even stand to be in the same room as her mother, let alone breath the same air. I've addressed this with Dgd & she reels off all the "boyfriends" & how her mother wasn't invested emotionally in her Dd's wellbeing. Please look after yourself first & foremost, then your Dd. Sometimes even having a supportive family in Rl can do no more than observe from the side lines whilst a loved one is putting themselves through the wringer before they come to.

This is not a criticism towards you. Good advice from Mn whilst hovering on various threads has helped me immensley in my emotional development. Even when that advice went contrary to how I viewed various situations.

yes I am very generous with forgiveness post deployment but not if the relationship isn't worth saving and I don't think yours is. He's a proper bellend. Move on, focus on you and your daughter.

He could be so loving that's what's confusing. I got so anxious inside about how he could be loving one moment then swearing and walking out the next but I aleays felt like I drove him to those extremes. He always came back though if he saw how much it hurt me. It just seemed like things could escalate so fast and I put it down to him being very stressed and working long hours even when he was in the UK, but I do believe you're right that I shouldn't have suppressed my own needs for a quiet life. Tellingly I always felt like if I didn't come after him when he left, he wouldn't come back. Or if I didn't make a concerted effort to be particularly nice and supportive the whole time he was away (4 months) he would turn against me. But I felt like that was because I had worn him down being hard work over time. I feel like I have forgotten what's normal in terms of expectations or conflict resolution. I wanted us to work so much but deep down I never felt completely loved and safe. I just hate the thought that he was hurt by me to the extent that it pushed him to that level of stress and anger. I still care if he's ok. he told me he was back now and everything would be ok, that he loved me and our life, then in a matter of days he pulled the rug out.

It does scare me to think of this affecting my daughter so thank you everyone for driving that home. I need to realise he doesn't care about either of us if he would do this. How can he be out with his mates and I'm feeling this low? He went on a 2 week long haul holiday including a week staying at a long ago ex's, within a week of getting back from deployment, I found this out via Facebook at the time. A couple of weeks after that, the night after we slept together and "got back together", he went out in another city with mates and stayed in an air bnb that he "couldn't cancel" rather than deciding to stay with me for the weekend and talk more about what we should do. He then didn't contact me for a whole day. Not the behaviour of someone invested in our future. I feel so used now. I thought he would see how I loved him.

Sorry for sounding like a broken record. I wish I had RL support but equally I'm sure they'd be sick of hearing from me by now.

Your thoughts are all helping me work this out. I know he obviously didn't see me as the one.

Reassured by op most recent post. Op whet you have written sounds like you are reaching a point of clarity and being able to evaluate the relationship rationally.

I don't actually think he does sound like a bad person actually. I don't think either of you were really in a position to be in a relationship, there was nothing to give except for superficial stuff. The pressing for more contact that he didn't want to give was very indicative of that. I'm ex forces myself, some forces people can't keep focus on being in arenas of conflict AND sustain important romantic relationships too, it's just too hard. You sound like you have a lot of issues yourself, no blame here but it sounds like you need a lot of support and some people just can't/don't want to give that support, doesn't make them bad people though.

It's finished, you know this and it has been for a while, by keeping on sending pleading explanatory messages you're attempting to breathe life into something that is long long over.

Stop messaging him and focus on your child and your own health and issues, you haven't got anything to give to anyone else right now, you need it for child and yourself.

You both sound like you weren't ready for a relationship and aren't right for each other. Fighting for a dying relationship is just not worth it.

You need to focus on your daughter, being the best mum you can, get yourself healthy, start enjoying life with her and not pin all your happiness on someone else. If you are strong, happy and healthy you will find a lovely new relationship without even looking for it.

You sound as if you have so much love and affection to give, but at the moment you also sound very needy and erratic. Your ex sounds pretty messed up too, and I really don't think he's worth the heartache.

Please find yourself some RL support, and make a fresh start with your DD.

It's true that to some extent it's irrelevant who's fault it is, however what is clear is that you are bad together. You made an unhealthy unhappy and volatile couple. Give yourself
Some time and then once you are ready to date again you will hopefully find someone that matches you and is lovely ALL the time ( or nearly all Of the time - no one is 100% perfect ).

I've been with my DH for thirty years and we may have the odd row and may bicker occasionally but we have never once been nasty to one another. You should be aiming higher than someone who is lovely just some of the time

He's not a bad person. Maybe emotionally unavailable. I just can't stand the thought he was a truly good person who I pushed away. I feel broken like I can't be fixed and that's even more scary than being alone. I wish I could go back and communicate better. I just want a chance to do differently.

Aww carrots I'm so sorry that this bastard has hurt you so very much. The more you write about him, the more it becomes obvious what a nasty controlling man he was.

Of couse he was nice to you in the early days, otherwise you would never have started a relationship with him, and it sounds like he saw straight away that you were vulnerable and would be easy to manipulate.

What you discribe in your recent post about him changing from one moment to the next, is classic behaviour from a controlling abuser. His mood swings keep you uncertain, you doubt your own actions and responses, bend over backwards to keep him sweet, blame yourself for his bad moods and anger. But all along it isn't you, it's him pulling your strings.

While his job may be difficult, it was his choice to go into that field, he will have been fully trained for it, he will have had the support of all the people in his unit, and unless he is of a very high rank, he will be following orders. So for him to use the stress of work as an excuse for name calling and anger towards you says a lot about him, none of it good.

I hope you don't meet up with him again as you mentioned doing, because he will use that as an opportunity to bully you again, listing your imaginary "failings" and you do not need that at all. Please stop all contact with him for your own sake.

Focus on your own health, and on your life with your little girl, remind yourself what a good mum you are, and how well you've done at work.

He's a selfish person who wants to have everything done his way. You aren't well suited and you'll always be 2nd best to him. He just wants you to live life his way and you are expected to conform.

You need to move on from him, as he'll never be the person you want/need him to be. Look after yourself now and take care of yourself and DD. You can be without him, but you need help to guide you and help you understand what's happened. See a counsellor. It will be difficult for you to get through the next while, but eventually, you'll find yourself coping without thinking about him and soon you'll start to feel better about your life.

Spend time with your family, they'll help you through.

I'm also ex forces and I have a different take. I think he saw you as a safe bet that he could go to when he wanted to. I've seen many blokes do this from the other side. Quite a few had an 'urgent' posting abroad which they actually volunteered for! I once sat in the office listening to a bloke telling his wife on the phone how gutted he was to be going off to Afghanistan for the xth time and we knew for a fact he had volunteered. He left her with 3 kids to look after. It was hard when she was later complaining at a BBQ how put upon her husband was because it was his fourth tour. lying bastard.

He had a good thing going with you, weekends centred around him, sex on tap etc. He didn't like it when you actually wanted something from the relationship. That tells you the measure of the man.

You need to focus on being stable for your daughter and get back to a good space so she has a healthy and consistent parent.

I would take some time to heal and be on your own for a bit to build up your emotional strength.

I wish I had known more about his work/life away from me because it always felt like we had such separate lives and he always just said he couldn't tell me anything. He had cheated on his past 2 girlfriends (yes I know red flag but the way he talked about it made me feel like he really had worked on himself since and wasn't fundamentally bad) and one of those was made possible by him having this plausible other life in the army. I don't think he did this to me when we were together but what I mean is he was someone who in a way benefitted from having an 80% own life and then just a weekend commitment. As I say he did sometimes spend Saturday nights with friends without me, while staying at mine. I was ok with that though. I did love him so much. I hate the thought he saw me as an easy target he sometimes seemed to care so much

Find your anger, you are totally justified in being angry with this guy!

Sounds like you project a lot of anger inwards instead of directing it at the right target.

This man has been a shit to you. Say it with me 'this man has been a shit to me'! Stop letting him off the hook!

You need some time with some boxing gloves and a punch bag to get it out of you. Do you go to a gym?

It's okay to be angry. Someone once said depression is anger directed inwards. Get it out of your system.

Stop being such a doormat and have some self respect.
He is a shit and is treating you like shit.
Walk away, never contact him again and think what a lucky escape you have had. He is absolutely vile - emotionally abusive and uncaring and selfish.

Honestly, the advice to stop endlessly running this round in your mind and focus instead on you and your daughter is good. There is no benefit to keep rerunning this and wishing things had been different.

You were not well when he went away, you could not cope and got sick, so sick you nearly lost your job, that is the one simple fact that shows this is the wrong relationship for uou personally, you need someone who does not go away for long periods.

So think posotively, everything happens for a reason and you will find someone else, who will be there for you and who will treat you well.

He is a truly horrible person.

And barking mad.

Only a mad person gets angry about the stuff he got angry about.

You've had a lucky escape. So has your dd.

It might be hard now but I'm sure one day you will look back and realise what a disaster this relationship was. You gave it two years and it's not worked, it was a shite relationship even if there were moments where he was nice it still doesn't take away the fact it was a shite excuse for a relationship.

You owe it to your daughter to look after yourself and her. You've presumably now had two bad relationships in a row so perhaps you should give yourself a break and be single for a while.

Do some studying or sports or just concerntrate on being a brilliant mum but steer clear of dating for a while.

This is nothing to do with what you did and everything to do with him being a complete and utter prick.

Will you please stop blaming all this on yourself - you are a broken record and taking responsibility for him being an utter bellened is woefully wrong. Where is your self esteem? And if you are determined to blame yourself for him being a twat, well I suggest you go and get some counselling to find out why the hell you put up with such complete and utter nonsense.

This man was at best, deeply selfish. He comes across to me as manipulating her deliberately. It's quite ok for the OP to think he was a massive shit and I think it would be more positive for her to do so. I think if she thinks "it was no one's fault" she will continue to make excuses for him and search for reasons to cling onto hope. No. he's a shit and he doesn't give a fuck. I'm not interested in whether or not he is really a "bad person", not ready for a relationship, etc. As someone else said, find your anger OP!

It pains me to point this out OP

I can't even bring myself to put up Xmas decs. I'm dreading Xmas alone.

But you aren't alone, you are with your DD. You are her whole world and you are writing as if she isn't even there. Imagine her face light up when you have made the effort to decorate for Christmas.

I hope you find the strength to get through this and never contact that abusive arsehole again. Good luck.