At rock bottom- 2 years thrown away on a text

[yestocarrots]

Just hoping for a bit of a hand hold. Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling very bleak right now and have no one to talk to. Please, someone, sanity check me. I am reeling from a turn of events that has put me into a depression worse than any I've experienced in a while.

My ex partner was an army guy. We lived quite separate lives because he was posted the other side of the country to my city, but we saw each other most weekends. He has known my dd since she was tiny (she's now 2). Been a dad to her in every way, it was like we were a family. We argued quite a lot always about the same things- he didn't communicate much at all during the week, often would only text, and would get angry and belligerent if I expressed a wish for this to change. I wasn't perfect- I had bad PND and would get very emotional in conflicts which seemed to frustrate him. I was working full time in a demanding job and running a home and being a single parent and I know I took shit out on him. But I also loved him deeply. Showed it in any ways I could. Keeping the house lovely for when he came, making plans for days out and little holidays, putting on Xmas for him including a stocking and a sack of gifts, sending him packages, kept myself available for him basically every weekend and never asked for more than just more contact in the week (which frankly he never made the effort to change.) Earlier this year he was posted abroad at very short notice. I was devastated and scared but we both mutually agreed we would not let it break us. Both of us were in bits the day he left.
Then it all fell apart. While he was away I got so used to us not being able to communicate at all, I just sort of shut down. But my eating disorder and depression came back with a vengeance. My periods stopped entirely and I nearly lost my job through stress. I found it impossible coping with work, health and my toddler, I missed my best friend and partner so much. I sent him packages but it was all I could do. I had bought him special notepaper to write to me and he never did, when I asked him to once he snapped and ridiculed me as he thought it was such a trivial thing for me to want. When I finally confessed I wasn't coping and didn't know how to deal, told him my health was deteriorating and I just needed to know a rough time of when he would be back, or needed some more support (I don't really have any IRL and I didn't get support from the army as we weren't married.) he was furious when I said all this. Accused me of breaking up with him, saying I had no empathy for the stressful situation he was in, was so angry it shocked and hurt me to the core. It was like the more upset I was the more angry he was. After a week or so of this I suggested we go on a break til he got back as the miscommunication seemed tto be so damaging (I now deeply regret this as feel it was selfish but literally at the time I couldn't stand this anger coming from him and the fact that in fact he had no empathy for me.)
Within a month he had a date to return to the UK. I asked how/when I could come and meet him off the plane at the base. He never got round to letting me know- he was too busy apparently. He didn't let me know he was back in the UK til he had been there almost a week. He then asked on the Wednesday if I was free on the Friday to meet and talk. I had a work commitment I couldn't get out of and said I couldn't, but asked how he was and how the journey was. His response- "Are you serious?! All that bullshit about priorities and you won't meet me. Bye then". I immediately replied asking why we couldn't do the weekend instead. He simply replied "don't bother contacting me again." All by text. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe he did that. A month later he still hadnt come to his sense. I was missing him terribly but so hurt from his text I hadn't contacted him. Finally got up the courage and texted him. He responded so furiously and verbally abusively and yet we ended up sleeping together twice, him telling me one minute that I had hurt him so much and was a shit person with no empathy, then next that he loved me and was sorry i suffered so much when he was away. I was so confused about how he twisted it into me having done something unforgivable by not being able to see him when he decided I should. After 2 weeks of hell he texted me to tel me he would be no worse off if he ever saw me again. I've been bereft all over again. Calling him in tears- sometimes he answers and is reassuring, sometimes he won't answer but sends angry texts. Texting him how much I love and miss him, how sorry I am for what I did and begging him to see me. He has stopped responding altogether. I just don't know what to do. My dd calls him daddy- he said in a year it would be like he had never existed to her. I miss him so much, I can't bear how this has played out. I feel racked with guilt. I just want him to understand why I shut him out. I'm still having tests for my lack of periods, I'm still suffering terribly with my bulimia but he just accuses me of having no empathy and making his life hell. I feel so guilty I want to just hurt myself.

Sorry- I know it was long. I just need someone to tell me I didn't deserve this. He slept with me and told me he loved me just 2 weeks ago. I just want to curl up and cry. 2 years meant nothing to him in the end.

Wallow intensely for an hour sometime while DD is asleep. Rage! Then stop. Do not contact him. Delete and block him, like what they ^^ say (I am too old to have had to do the last bit myself)

As someone who spent precious years of my life mourning a dead relationship, always hoping he'd come back I have to say STOP! I wish someone had said that to me when I was 19. Years later when I heard he'd died I felt sadness but also relief, I could finally stop hoping he'd come back to me.
You're worth better, just as I was. Don't give him anymore of your precious life.💐

OMG he is so abusive and not treating you well at all. I hope you cN eventually see that.

You don't deserve this but I am going to be harsh with you for your DD's sake

She needs a mother. You have to pull yourself out of this for her. She should be your focus.

He's not her father and this was not an ideal situation for her to believe that he was. She will probably not remember him but you need to remove yourself from this toxic relationship. He treats you like crap and you just keep running back begging for more. You are worth more than this. You are not setting a good example to your daughter at all. Relationships are built on trust and respect and this relationship has neither. Stop throwing yourself at him and work on getting well again.

I completely agree. It was an absolutely terrible idea to encourage your DD call this man Daddy. He was just your boyfriend and one who was only ever around at weekends - if I'd called every man Daddy who was that to my mother I'd have had God knows how many Dads.

He has played no part in parenting her or paying to support her and he has demonstrated no real commitment to you or her as his family. You were merely his girlfriend who happened to have a child and obviously you were both very much 'out of sight, out of mind' when he was working during the week. Someone who had a partner and a 2 yo 'daughter' at home would not be content with just responding to your texts occasionally, he'd be wanting skype/facetime at least a few times a week, because that's what loving and committed partners with tiny children at home do.

What were you thinking, convincing yourself that these crumbs were enough to warrant him being your DD's 'Daddy'? It makes you look needy and desperate. He is right - she will have forgotten him within a year and thank God for that.

He was a good normal boyfriend to you at one time - but the relationship deteriorated and he has treated you with absolute contempt. You can't come back from that, and you shouldn't try - it's gone.

1. Delete and block him from all your social media. Close the door on the relationship. Grieve.
2. Go to your gp and talk about your bulimia and MH generally. See what help is available. Talk to eating disorder charities. Get yourself well.

It's not you, it's him. He is a vile abusive bully. Block him and move on.
I know it's hard, but it's the only way.

Why didnt your family like him?

PTSD? Well, you could feel off a whole list of MH and physical conditions and speculate on whether he has one. You are not his nurse or therapist, and he has a whole array of medical and other support services available to him - and the stigma for seeking MH support has been reduced enormously. It's up to him.

I have to say that omitting to tell you the correct date if his return is simply the most enormous red flag possible, and really is a likely deal-breaker.

I think you're trying to convince yourself that black is white, and there are reasonable excuses for his behaviour. There aren't.

I think you're better off without him. You don't need him on a practical level, and he doesn't seem to be adding any happiness in any other way.

Just want to keep this thread going for the op. How are you today?

Hope you're ok op. I am no expert, but this reads to me like he was looking for any excuse to move on and you being unable to meet him due to prior work commitments, was the excuse he needed without actually telling you he didn't want to see you again, so he's made it all your fault. One day soon, I hope, you'll count your blessings you're rid of him.

You didn't even give him any money, did you? He sounds like a scammer.

*ever give

It makes my heart ache because I absolutely can't bear the thought of him being sad.

Why aren't you expending this much energy on managing your own mental health? This matters far more than his, not least because you have a child to support.

It seems like you have low standards - sure, he did nice things, but as other people have said they're just normal boyfriend things to do. And it's also normal to break up with boyfriends and move on, it doesn't mean the nice things meant nothing but they're in the past and things have changed.

Yeah, he slept with you recently, because you were available and he wanted to. And he possibly even meant what he said - in that exact moment, maybe he felt guilty or maudlin or whatever. But again, that's in the past. Nothing you did could have changed anything, I don't think.

I feel for you OP but I think you need some perspective. You started a relationship soon after having your DD when you had PND so possibly not making the best decisions. You've also encouraged (or at least not discouraged) your child to call someone you don't know very well daddy. I think it's entirely possible that he was overwhelmed by suddenly having a child in his life after a pretty short time dating. I'm not saying he's behaved well, but I think you sound like you've gone into it with an intensity that might put him off. Time away from you may have made him reconsider what he wants for his life. That doesn't make him a bad person necessarily, sometimes relationships don't work.

Take some time to be with your daughter and get to know yourself better. Once you're content with yourself I think a relationship will be easier for you to manage.

yestocarrots I keep reading back over old messages trying to figure out where it went wrong.

I had a relationship once which was a fraction of the nastiness that cretin has delivered in yours OP, but with a lot of recognisable similarities.

One day, I decided to delete all the emails, all the messages. All of it. I had read everything so many times, trying to figure out hidden meanings to his words, and made myself feel utterly shit by doing so.

Words cannot begin to express the relief and lightness I got from that one affirmative action. I surprised myself at how good it was.

I urge you to do the same. You won't change anything re-reading old emails, it will just hurt more. But removing them from your life, you are taking positive action to help yourself heal from this utter loser.

I know he is in the army- met army friends, saw him in uniform, etc, no doubts about that. It also gave him a lot of reasons to claim things ought to be on his terms. In an argument about our level of contact he once told me he "needs someone who understands that 95% of his life is about work and things happen at no notice". I think in his head he justified therefore ky giving 5% because he had this stressful job. To put in context I work in a managerial role in the City and have been a lone parent since I was pregnant so my life isn't exactly easy but I always tried to fit around him, taking my leave when he had his etc. he could get verbally abusive when he was tired or stressed- this was a major source of conflict for us because he would knee jerk into swearing/getting angry if I ever expressed any needs and so I just stopped doing it, but he did call me a lot of names under the sun, all swear words except c*nt I think. But this could be excused by him being tired/stressed/in the army where this type of language is "normal". Whereas my situation never got me any leeway from him. It feels better to type this out as seeing it black and white is helping. I'm not trying to paint myself white, I think I could be needy. The main feeling I remember inspiring the neediness was frustration at being shut down. He was one for hanging up on a phone call even if I was obviously upset, or storming out and threatening to leave,or refusing to answer the phone repeatedly but texting saying horrible stuff instead. I know he did work long hours and have a very stressful job at times but his reaction was to push me away rather than let me try and help. In recent talks when he asked why I made it so hard for him when he was out there (by asking for a break) and I've explained the extent of how it affected my health, he never seemed to register it. Maybe it was too much though to expect him to deal with my eating disorder and MH issues on top of his stuff. Some on here have said he may have found our relationship situation too intense but equally he had 5 days away from it a week and often on weekends he would see friends etc in London if I couldn't get babysitting to come out on a night. I was ok with that stuff. He also got a lot out of the arrangement eg. Keys to my flat though he never paid anything towards it, I was always the one to plan days/nights out and holidays, and I did all I could to give him a nice time every weekend.

Someone asked why my family don't like him. My mum has never forgiven him for one incident I was quite upset about - we were away for my birthday and he couldn't get it up (something that had happened a lot) and when I asked what was wrong he got furious and locked himself in the bathroom then woke me up at 2am demanding I leave. I was shaken up and crying and he didn't make me leave but it was a pretty horrible incident. Again I was never sure whose fault it was. Sorry if that was drip feeding.

I am trying to see the way forward. I had asked him to see me once more feeling sure he would remember how we were - he previously told me it was easy to be annoyed at someone when you don't see them but not so easy in the flesh. I just want him to remember how he said he felt when I saw him last. But now I think I shouldn't see him or arrange it. It could just be too painful. I can't even bring myself to put up Xmas decs. I'm dreading Xmas alone. I need to find the strength. Have been put off going to gp about the MH stuff as I've been so paranoid about what they'll read into my ability to be a single mum. Hopefully that's just the anxiety talking. Thank you again for your replies, it's helping me a lot, slowly.

shots. Absolutely. Those messages are in the past. They are not relevant here and now. All the emotional detective work in the world will not help you figure out why this man has treated you so badly. He has, and now you need to work on recovering from this - and you will.

When my ex left me seven months ago for the OW he had been cheating with for a previous five months, I felt suicidal. I relapsed with my alcohol addiction, and in doing so, I played dangerous games with my mental health. But I managed to get sober - and, in the last few weeks, I have experienced a dramatic change in how I feel about it all. I have accepted it, and with that acceptance comes a sense of freedom and lightness. It's as though a weight has been lifted from me. The rose tinted glasses have come off, and I now see are relationship for the damaged, toxic thing it really was.

You too will have this moment, hopefully sooner rather than later. Right now, you can't imagine getting over the hurt, but it will happen, and when it does, you will be amazed, looking back, at how you tortured yourself now. Be kind to yourself and your DD - save your love for the two of you, and don't throw away something so precious on someone so undeserving.

As for going to the GP, remember that they are keen to provide support to those who ask for it - it is those who refuse help or are adamant they don't need it who raise flags for SS involvement. I was terrified to admit I'd relapsed as a newly single parent, but the support I received was incredible. Trying to keep my issues hidden was like walking a tightrope over a ravine. Right now, you need to grab onto every little bit of help you can get - you need a life raft right now, and there are people out there willing to provide it.

I guess being out in the Middle East was very hard for him. I imagine it's hard for any of our army folks, even though it is their jobs, and yes having you tell him you were unable to cope, wanting a return time and breaking up with him when he was out there possibly ended the relationship for you both.

It does sound like parts of the relationship were very toxic, and it sounds like both of you had some issues. I think you're better off out of it , you can't be in a relationship with someone in the army if you can't cope when they are away, so I'd try to bring this to a close in your mind. He has handled the ending very badly, and maybe this will help you move on? 💐

Good post Bluntness. I make no excuses for his behaviour but being deployed is bloody hard mentally and physically. It seems he was struggling to cope and probably was finding it hard to try and support you too when you were sharing about your MH issues. I would definitely advise you to stay away from an army man in future, it's bloody hard but when they're deployed they have to put themselves first sometimes just to manage. I would walk away with your head held high OP. It's over.

Bluntness that's the thing. I feel so racked with guilt about thinking about myself when he was out there. At the time my stuff felt so insurmountable with the extent I had fallen back into bulimia, and just crying all the time and feeling so lonely, but I wish I had just been stronger. When he went we were both so desperate to make it work. I didn't want to break up forever, I couldn't imagine not having him in my life. He couldn't tell me much at all about what he was doing and I couldn't begin to imagine how it was. I feel so so horrible about it. I wish I could go back and be the stronger woman I am in other areas of my life. I've tried to explain it to him since he has been back, I've apologised from the bottom of my heart for not being who he needed me to be then, and I thought he had finally understood because he said a few times that he had no idea how bad I had felt and that it explained things. But he can't forgive me it seems. I just want him to know how sorry I am. I wish I could make it up. It feels like I have hurt him irreparably and that's what kills me.

God I just miss him so much. I go through rapid cycles of anger, sadness, guilt, sadness. Right now I miss him so much and I love the bones of him, I just want to hug him and make him feel how much he is loved but he doesn't even care enough to answer my text anymore. I can't bear the thought of never seeing him again. We have known each other on and off since we were 20. We were in so many ways so close and I lived for our time together.

I'm sure being on active service is very hard on all our army folk but nowhere can I believe it gives them the green light to be nasty and abusive to their loved ones.

Op...I'm going to say pull yourself together, not in a nasty way but it's going to be Christmas soon, so pull up your big girls pants and get decorating that house for your little girl. Pour all your love and effort into her. Make it the best Christa possible because she is what matters.

If she came to you as an adult with this situation...I hope you would tell her to run and not turn herself into a doormat .

He's an absolute arse. You're getting nothing out of this related. He's a controller and a user

And you know what?

He can only do that.

IF YOU LET HIM!

Christmas and relationship ffs