At rock bottom- 2 years thrown away on a text

[yestocarrots]

Just hoping for a bit of a hand hold. Sorry this is so long. I'm feeling very bleak right now and have no one to talk to. Please, someone, sanity check me. I am reeling from a turn of events that has put me into a depression worse than any I've experienced in a while.

My ex partner was an army guy. We lived quite separate lives because he was posted the other side of the country to my city, but we saw each other most weekends. He has known my dd since she was tiny (she's now 2). Been a dad to her in every way, it was like we were a family. We argued quite a lot always about the same things- he didn't communicate much at all during the week, often would only text, and would get angry and belligerent if I expressed a wish for this to change. I wasn't perfect- I had bad PND and would get very emotional in conflicts which seemed to frustrate him. I was working full time in a demanding job and running a home and being a single parent and I know I took shit out on him. But I also loved him deeply. Showed it in any ways I could. Keeping the house lovely for when he came, making plans for days out and little holidays, putting on Xmas for him including a stocking and a sack of gifts, sending him packages, kept myself available for him basically every weekend and never asked for more than just more contact in the week (which frankly he never made the effort to change.) Earlier this year he was posted abroad at very short notice. I was devastated and scared but we both mutually agreed we would not let it break us. Both of us were in bits the day he left.
Then it all fell apart. While he was away I got so used to us not being able to communicate at all, I just sort of shut down. But my eating disorder and depression came back with a vengeance. My periods stopped entirely and I nearly lost my job through stress. I found it impossible coping with work, health and my toddler, I missed my best friend and partner so much. I sent him packages but it was all I could do. I had bought him special notepaper to write to me and he never did, when I asked him to once he snapped and ridiculed me as he thought it was such a trivial thing for me to want. When I finally confessed I wasn't coping and didn't know how to deal, told him my health was deteriorating and I just needed to know a rough time of when he would be back, or needed some more support (I don't really have any IRL and I didn't get support from the army as we weren't married.) he was furious when I said all this. Accused me of breaking up with him, saying I had no empathy for the stressful situation he was in, was so angry it shocked and hurt me to the core. It was like the more upset I was the more angry he was. After a week or so of this I suggested we go on a break til he got back as the miscommunication seemed tto be so damaging (I now deeply regret this as feel it was selfish but literally at the time I couldn't stand this anger coming from him and the fact that in fact he had no empathy for me.)
Within a month he had a date to return to the UK. I asked how/when I could come and meet him off the plane at the base. He never got round to letting me know- he was too busy apparently. He didn't let me know he was back in the UK til he had been there almost a week. He then asked on the Wednesday if I was free on the Friday to meet and talk. I had a work commitment I couldn't get out of and said I couldn't, but asked how he was and how the journey was. His response- "Are you serious?! All that bullshit about priorities and you won't meet me. Bye then". I immediately replied asking why we couldn't do the weekend instead. He simply replied "don't bother contacting me again." All by text. I couldn't believe it. I still can't believe he did that. A month later he still hadnt come to his sense. I was missing him terribly but so hurt from his text I hadn't contacted him. Finally got up the courage and texted him. He responded so furiously and verbally abusively and yet we ended up sleeping together twice, him telling me one minute that I had hurt him so much and was a shit person with no empathy, then next that he loved me and was sorry i suffered so much when he was away. I was so confused about how he twisted it into me having done something unforgivable by not being able to see him when he decided I should. After 2 weeks of hell he texted me to tel me he would be no worse off if he ever saw me again. I've been bereft all over again. Calling him in tears- sometimes he answers and is reassuring, sometimes he won't answer but sends angry texts. Texting him how much I love and miss him, how sorry I am for what I did and begging him to see me. He has stopped responding altogether. I just don't know what to do. My dd calls him daddy- he said in a year it would be like he had never existed to her. I miss him so much, I can't bear how this has played out. I feel racked with guilt. I just want him to understand why I shut him out. I'm still having tests for my lack of periods, I'm still suffering terribly with my bulimia but he just accuses me of having no empathy and making his life hell. I feel so guilty I want to just hurt myself.

Sorry- I know it was long. I just need someone to tell me I didn't deserve this. He slept with me and told me he loved me just 2 weeks ago. I just want to curl up and cry. 2 years meant nothing to him in the end.

I think you met him at a time when you were vulnerable. I think you were then worried about losing him. He took advantage. You should look at what you have achieved on your own and realise you can do just fine on your own, have a bit of a break. Then be cautious and only share your life with a man who you have confidence in

Can I give you reality check?
You know nothing about his life other than what he has told you. He is playing you. Read back through what you have written.

Please, don't ever make contact with him again.

He's just a man. Don't elevate him into something he is not. And don't see it as two years wasted - see it as two years spent learning about what is, and what is not acceptable within a good relationship (none of his behaviour is acceptable, but you already know that). Two years spent recognising how you would like to be treated by a partner in future. The fact that your health deteriorated as an indirect result of your involvement with this man says it all.

He was right about one thing though; your daughter will forget him - and that's a positive thing; she won't grow up being step-daughter to a man who emotionally abuses her mother.

Jelli that's what I got - that she was totally played.
Agree with pp your child needs a mother. In a few months hopefully sooner you will wonder why on earth you tolerated this nonsense. Sometime after that I hope you meet someone local and available and all this will be a distant memory x

In the nicest possible way, it's not him that needs to come to his senses. You do you and your DD deserve so much better than this. He sounds like a complete bully.

Are you getting any real life mental health support?

You have done nothing wrong. But please stop contacting him. You are only dragging out the pain. I promise you will not feel this desperate forever. Life without him will become bearable, and then one day you will realise you are actually much better off. Though I imagine you won't believe that right now. You do not need him.

All the very best. I am sorry you are hurting so much at the moment

I think it's likely that he was going to finish with you that Friday, but he's spinning it so you're to blame. Don't blame yourself, there's so much more "wrong" with his return from action than you being unable to make that meeting. If you were stronger, you'd have told him to sling his hook - contacting you a week later! What a tool. You've wasted 2 years, don't waste one more minute! I wasted 3 years on an asshole like him, but now I'm married to the love of my life and we have a beautiful daughter. My ex is still single, although he shags my former friend. He'll never be happy. I am. You can be. Get well xx

Stop blaming yourself for not meeting him on that Friday, he is just using that as an excuse to end his relationship with you. If it had not been that, he would have made something else that you did/didn't do the reason for the breakup. Anything would have done as long as he could make you believe that it was all your fault.

He is an obnoxious abusive bully, and you will come to see that in time. You are well rid of him. Stop contacting him.

Focus on your own health, and on your little daughter who needs you. Forget this dreadful man, and build yourself a good and happy life with your little girl, you can do this.

Tragic that the poor child refers to that as "daddy". Where's her real father?

From every relationship you learn something about your own needs. From this relationship you have learned what you can reasonably survive in terms of contact and availability.

I wouldn't worry too much about DD. She's so young and has only spent weekends with him if I've read it right?
Bin him right off. The contact while away thing sounds normal in his defence but he sounds like a prize A twat. DP was posted away and we had a horrendous time with PTSD after he came home but we had a relationship worth saving which this definitely does not sound like. He's horrible to you! Move on with your little girl and don't let her watch you being treated like shit.

Are you absolutely positive he was in the army? I'm probably way out of line here, but I imagine most for men posted overseas, calls to their partners are absolutely treasured and much anticipated.

I'm so confused by how it all happened

TBH It doesn't matter how or why it happened. It sounds like it was an awful dysfunctional relationship at it best and it doesn't bare thinking about what it was at it's worse. Its been bad for you and it's been bad for your DD.
All that matters now is what you do in the future. If I were you I would delete every trace of him. Delete and block any means of contact you have and bin anything he is given you. Have a good cry and feel sorry for yourself for a few days and then try and forget him. Concerntrating on yourself and your DD. This so called relationship was doomed from the start. He has shown you he is a nasty piece of work. Thank goodness he has shown his colours now.

You're worth so much more than this. Of course you didn't deserve to be treated like this, but some people are just shits. He's not worth another second of your time. Please try to put him out of your mind, I know how hard it is but don't waste your life.

BTW if I were you I'd give myself a year before I even thought of dating again. You need to concerntrating on you and your DD for a while.

(Up to you obviously )

It hurts right now but in the long run you've avoided even more pain. Be kind to yourself.

I imagine most for men posted overseas, calls to their partners are absolutely treasured and much anticipated.
Calls are surprisingly hard to come by a lot of the time. I didn't have a single one while DP was deployed for over six months. Messenger was all we really had. The satellite phones aren't good and there's so many people to go around and often they have to shut down all lines of communication. I wouldn't jump to a conclusion of him lying about being in the army. The way he's acted afterwards I have seen in other men too, some men just cannot cope with relationships afterwards but this guy does seem like a prime wanker too.

Bless you carrots, you and your little girl are already a family. Forget this waster and nurture yourself as you would nurture your daughter if she was feeling this pain. Try to get into your little girls world and use the structure to help yourself too. Maybe you could put up your Xmas decorations and focus on the pleasure in her little face. When I was a single mum, I used to remind myself that each smile they gave was my achievement too. You are providing for your daughter, emotionally and financially. Small steps, one foot in front of the other. It will soon be Christmas, this year you can devote all that attention you lavished on him into making sure you and your daughter have a wonderful (minimum effort for maximum reward) time. Invest in some dvds and prepared Christmas food for you both and try to enjoy it. You deserve some fun after what you've been through.

OP, love is a two-way street. You may feel you love him, but he doesn't love you back. You have asked for something perfectly reasonable - a little more contact - and he not only didn't give it to you, but tried to make you feel bad because of that. He doesn't want to listen to you. He doesn't care about what you feel. He doesn't want to help you.

I am very sorry, but as previous posters have said, your daughter needs a mother who is well. Please find help and support. This man has treated you terribly.

Run op he doesn't deserve you. He wants it to be just about him and how he feels and fuck your feelings.

Op did you meet his family ever? It seems from what you wrote you were a completely separate part of his life?
He sounds a selfish prick who was a prick before he was deployed.

Thank you for all the replies. It's given me a lot to think about. My family really don't like this guy (prob should have been a red flag) and I only have one really close friend who is going through something herself atm so it helps to talk on here. I don't want to drip feed or sound like I'm not taking on the advice I just want to keep posting, it's been a rubbish few days and tonight is particularly hard. I keep reading back over old messages trying to figure out where it went wrong. Thing is, he was really wonderful sometimes. He was a rock to me when my dd was tiny and he seemed to want to look after us both. He would do sweet things, give me foot rubs and bring me wine after a hard week and download stuff for us to watch. He would take me out for nice meals sometimes. He would pay for us to stay in a hotel when he was on duty and couldn't leave the town where he was stationed. He was always helping with chores round the house mainly just dishes etc but i felt like he was caring. He said lovely things sometimes, made me feel we had a future. When I slept with him (thought we were getting back together) a couple of weeks ago he was talking about future stuff- Xmas plans, a New Years party, a holiday. None of that will ever happen now. I'm so confused. He says it's because he can't be who I want him to be. I just want him to be the loving caring man he was.
A few people have speculated on here does he have some kind of PTSD? It's crossed my mind myself. It makes my heart ache because I absolutely can't bear the thought of him being sad. A couple of weeks ago despite how horrible he had been, I made him a package to cheer him up, just jellybeans/cosy socks/chocolate etc but I really wanted to help, I also gave him loads of advice on his job and arranged babysitting/made dinner reservations so we could go out. I don't think I'm the shit person or girlfriend he makes out. But we never got to go out because he changed his mind about wanting to be with me and now he's gone. I know that all you have said it's a lucky escape but I just feel bereft. He was my best friend.
I keep wondering if I had been more supportive while he was away would it have been different?
It's right that we had separate lives as someone on here said. I never went to his camp. He is naturally very secretive with his phone etc. I now know also that he always has had an "overlap" with previous gfs, so its unlikely he is single now, I do feel like he has possibly ended this abruptly for someone else. I just feel so used. As stupid as it sounds I wonder if he will ever get back in touch. He hasn't blocked me on anywhere.
My dd is fine btw. I don't show my sadness in front of her. We are doing ok. I have an amazing childminder and I'm a good mum.

Are you 100% sure he's in the army? What proof do you have?

Stop all contact with him, stop the packages, slap yourself! There's no way that he thinks you don't/didn't care about him. He knows how you feel about him, and he still doesn't want you. As soon as you accept that, you will start to get over it and heal.

Please don't waste your life. It's not worth it. I can say that from experience. He's not that into you, as the film goes. It sounds like he's not cut contact as he's manipulating you and using you as a backup and an ego boost. If he always has an "overlap" he's a shit in general, you surely can see that?

I know how hard it is to break it off with someone like this but trust me, you'll feel so much better about yourself in the long run. This isn't going anywhere good.

You really, really need to delete and block him. It's ok to mourn what you 'think' you had but he has shown you who is now. In fact he has made it crystal clear what a nasty piece of work he is.

It doesn't matter why. You have to take responsibility for yourself now and you have to be sensible and it is not sensible to contact this man ever again. In fact, I think it would be a really stupid thing to do.

Did you meet his family?
Im no expert but how could he be in a hotel if he was on duty? That doesn't make sense tbh?
Did you meet any of his army friends and their dps?
My dp is ex squaddie, sadly lots of men do Internet dating claiming to be serving in the army and its all lies-are you sure he was?