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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Furious rowing

98 replies

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 18:24

Please help I need perspective and I promise am not looking to validate - I have posted before about DH and I's volatile marriage and in the last 10 years it has occasionally spilt over into physical - I am always trying to escape or run off and I have been slapped , shaken , pushed, whacked with a dog lead etc that sort of thing. On my post here people were so supportive and it gave me a bit of confidence to go to the local refuge drop in session. Even though they did a risk assessment and gave me numbers to call and advice I did no more to act on it. I think because England went out the Euros and relived the pressure somewhat and also because we talked and talked and tried yo put things in place to enable our marriage to get better. I admit I was a little cynical it would be ok bit I do love him and needed yo tty. And at least I had the peace in my head knowing that, if I needed to , I could take the children and leave . But I needed to try. Hope u that does not sound too weak.
Fast forward to now and he is poorly - think asthmatic with chest infection, has had pneumonia in past . But I am not doing enough to look after him I should be more sympathetic - I am working, running house with guests staying and 3 kids. He has a lot of stress at work - tomorrow he is supposed yo be bring a big project to a close bit now may kit be able to do it. Two of the three children are I'll with colds too. Anyway - blazing row about me not being more sympathetic, I git cross and defensive he tells me I am crazy and I don't think normally etc etc. I come downstairs to go to the utility for time out to calm down except he follows me. He won't let me shut the door - he insist we talk about how irrational I am being ( this is after smashing up contents of fridge and smashing vase of flowers, punching holes in door to utiloty) I am pushing to get the door shut as hard as I can but can't and try to push him ( no success ) so I can shut the door as I just want to hide. I admit I should have not kepttrying to shut the door but he saw red and slapped my arms 3 times. Really hard. Then he has gone. He has gone out the house and I don't know where he is. Am I an unsmy pathetic cow ? I am putting children's pictures over the holes in the door so the guests cannot see. I am mortified. It's a mess and I don't know of its me or him or both. I cannot hold it together and pretend everything is ok. Help mumset 😐

OP posts:

Original poster

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 18:25

Apologies for the long and badly spelt post. Bit upset .

OP posts:

MinesAGin · 11/12/2016 18:28

I would call the police. You would do it if a stranger hit you - this is no different.

Are the children at home at the moment?

Original poster

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 18:30

Yes they are in their bedroom at the moment.they are used to their dad not being here a lot for various reasons. They would have heard everything but I think they blank it out. Thought the 3 year old was blocking his ears with his fingers which broke my heart. It's a mess.

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 11/12/2016 18:32

Take the pictures down, let the guests see the damage done. Tell them what has happened, stop hiding. After all, he hasn't kept himself in check for their sakes, has he? He obviously doesn't care... or is so certain he has you well trained that you will cover for him!

If you don't let it all out now, then when? How much more will you simply sit back and take?

Let this be the very last time.

Good luck xx

loveyoutothemoon · 11/12/2016 18:38

Poor you.

He can't be that ill then if he's smashing, punching and slapping. He's abusing you big time. I would leave him and tell him that you're not coming back until he's had help and he's better.

Original poster

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 18:38

It's just that I am not completely innocent - I shout and argue back as I feel frustrated that what he is angry about is unfair - and that probably escalates it. Have tried just agreeing with everything to avert this sort of thing but if he thinks I am not genuinely meaning it he sulks too . But says it is in my head. I just needed time out to calm down and he did not want me to . I don't know where he is and he has the car. Good point our blanch. I am so ashamed and mortified. I can't take the pictures down. It's Christmas in two weeks . This is shit.

OP posts:

tribpot · 11/12/2016 18:40

They don't blank it out, you know they don't. Adult survivors who witnessed domestic abuse in childhood say this on MN frequently.

Bear in mind all of it was domestic abuse, the smashing up the contents of the fridge, the vase, punching holes in the door, all of it. You have done nothing wrong. Trying to shut the door on someone who was smashing up the kitchen was the right thing to do.

Call the police, call them now. Don't try to cover up what happened when your guests get home (I assume they are out somewhere). He has done this now deliberately because it is so difficult for you to contemplate calling the police with guests in the house. Start telling people what has happened - make this real.

OurBlanche · 11/12/2016 18:42

You only believe that because he has taught you to!

And yes, it is Christmas in 2 weeks. Might this be the best Christmas present you and your kids could have? From here it seems that it would!

Only you know if you are ready or not.

Keep coming back and letting us hard faced strangers support you. You will get there!

Best of luck!

PotteringAlong · 11/12/2016 18:42

They are fully aware of what's going on.your 3 year old is trying to block out abuse with his fingers in his ears. Do you want this life for them?

You need to leave.

ElspethFlashman · 11/12/2016 18:43

Well you tried.

The experiment has been a failure. He is as bad as ever and your children are hearing and seeing too much.

I'd you love them, end this and let them have some bloody peace wherever they are this Christmas.

Original poster

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 18:43

Thanks loveutothemoon - I feel so very very alone right at this moment. And upset for the kids. Thank u everyone - it really does help being able to get support. I don't think I can hold it all together I want to grab kids and run away but I know he would make our lives even more of a misery if we were separate. He is so unreasonable and custody and stuff will be a big mess. I cannot face it all.

OP posts:

ElspethFlashman · 11/12/2016 18:44

You cannot face it.

So instead you will make your children live like this.

Original poster

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 18:46

What happens if I ring the police? What do they do ? He is not here now but I don't know where he is and could come homeanyy time

OP posts:

Original poster

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 18:48

Elspeth - I know. I know I have tried. But it's not shit all the time. It's not cut and dried. But I think this might be it .

OP posts:

OurBlanche · 11/12/2016 18:48

Stop it! That is the pathetic voice he has trained in you!

You can do whatever you want to, and you should do whatever it takes to make your children safer and happier.

You know that. You have already worked that out and even started the process.

You have taken small steps... take some more.

Use this opportunity he has handed to you... make his behaviour public, make it real... you could, if you just started...

RandomMess · 11/12/2016 18:48

Speak to womansaid and start making plans.

Please do not subject your DC to sticking their fingers in their ears for the rest of their childhood. He clearly isn't as ill as he is making out if he has the energy to scream and shout and hound you for not being "sympathetic" enough.

I'm a bit crap at being sympathetic but when either DH I were ill the priority was doing everything else so the other could sleep/rest. It's knackering doing that on your own when the DC are little and tbh it's the best gift you can give an ill parent.

Your H is abusive, nasty and doesn't care what he doing to his DC yet calling you unsympathetic??

fuzzywuzzy · 11/12/2016 18:48

OP that's why you take down Theo ictures and let everyone see what he has done.

That's why you call the police and have your injuries documented and him held responsible for assaulting you.

Your children hear every bit of it and know what's going on and it's affecting them deeply, don't mistake it.

Call the police, use those numbers the women's refuge gave you.

Icloud154 · 11/12/2016 18:48

If you really care about your kids then leave. 3 year old blocking out the noise with his fingers? How sad! I have a 3 year old and could not imagine this.
Please leave and take your children out of this situation.

BifsWif · 11/12/2016 18:50

Call the police. For your children's sake, phone them now.

OhTheRoses · 11/12/2016 18:57

So, in summary he has smashed up the contents of the fridge, smashed a vase of flowers and punched holes in a door. He has also slapped you. Guests are out and your children have witnessed this the youngest of whom I three. There I an expectation you will all play happy families when the guests return and have a fantasy Christmas in two weeks time.

It's abuse. Domestic abuse. It needs to end and he needs to go or you need to go.

Bluntness100 · 11/12/2016 18:59

Op, you're doing what a lot of women do, taking the blame and trotting out the old "but I love him line" . If you can't leave for yourself, then leave for your children, nothing can be worse for them than growing up and knowing this goes on. Nothing.

And yes, it is cut and dried. The man physically abuses you. He is violent.he won't change. They all say they will.

Do you really think that's better for your kids? To live with this? That's what they should learn? You're going to need to be strong for their sake.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 11/12/2016 19:12

Your DH wouldn't do this to a workmate or to a stranger. He does it to you. And he does it to you because he's learned that he can get away with it.

This time, don't let him get away with it. Don't conceal the holes in the walls. Call the police and get him taken away.

If you can't face the police, at least stop covering up his abuse, make sure your guests know and start making plans to end this, perhaps in the New Year.

For me, the sight of my 3 year old with fingers in his ears would fix my resolve. Allowing your DC to witness and hear what they have is terribly damaging to their development. It's your DH who has caused all this, you're not to blame. However when you reach the point where you are witnessing the harm being done to your DC by you tolerating your DH then breaking away from this situation does become your responsibility too.

Believeitornot · 11/12/2016 19:16

It's happened enough times for this to be horrible for your children. His "good" behaviour does not negate his abusive behaviour.

My mum was physically abused and I witnessed it too many times. Once would have been enough. Several, many times was far too many.

You cannot give your children a happy home with this man. It's too late.

HeavenlyEyes · 11/12/2016 19:19

If you report him to Women's Aid and the police you will get help and support to stop his pathetic attempt at 'csutody'. You do realise all abusers use that threat to bully you into staying! He is not interested in any custody whatsoever. Get him bloody locked up and out of your lives pronto. Hitting you with a dog lead?? You are bloody kidding. And somehow you think this is your fault? I could weep.

MrsBertBibby · 11/12/2016 19:24

Bloody hell call the police, right now. Please. This is going to get worse and worse, and end up with you in hospital or dead.

999, right now, and get him gone.

Who are these guests?

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