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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Furious rowing

98 replies

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 18:24

Please help I need perspective and I promise am not looking to validate - I have posted before about DH and I's volatile marriage and in the last 10 years it has occasionally spilt over into physical - I am always trying to escape or run off and I have been slapped , shaken , pushed, whacked with a dog lead etc that sort of thing. On my post here people were so supportive and it gave me a bit of confidence to go to the local refuge drop in session. Even though they did a risk assessment and gave me numbers to call and advice I did no more to act on it. I think because England went out the Euros and relived the pressure somewhat and also because we talked and talked and tried yo put things in place to enable our marriage to get better. I admit I was a little cynical it would be ok bit I do love him and needed yo tty. And at least I had the peace in my head knowing that, if I needed to , I could take the children and leave . But I needed to try. Hope u that does not sound too weak.
Fast forward to now and he is poorly - think asthmatic with chest infection, has had pneumonia in past . But I am not doing enough to look after him I should be more sympathetic - I am working, running house with guests staying and 3 kids. He has a lot of stress at work - tomorrow he is supposed yo be bring a big project to a close bit now may kit be able to do it. Two of the three children are I'll with colds too. Anyway - blazing row about me not being more sympathetic, I git cross and defensive he tells me I am crazy and I don't think normally etc etc. I come downstairs to go to the utility for time out to calm down except he follows me. He won't let me shut the door - he insist we talk about how irrational I am being ( this is after smashing up contents of fridge and smashing vase of flowers, punching holes in door to utiloty) I am pushing to get the door shut as hard as I can but can't and try to push him ( no success ) so I can shut the door as I just want to hide. I admit I should have not kepttrying to shut the door but he saw red and slapped my arms 3 times. Really hard. Then he has gone. He has gone out the house and I don't know where he is. Am I an unsmy pathetic cow ? I am putting children's pictures over the holes in the door so the guests cannot see. I am mortified. It's a mess and I don't know of its me or him or both. I cannot hold it together and pretend everything is ok. Help mumset 😐

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 11/12/2016 19:27

And shouting and argujng back does not make you guilty. Not even slightly.

This hideous man is brutalising and terrorisIng you.

What would you do to someone who did that to your child? That's what you need to do to him.

Original poster

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 19:29

Shit prawn you are right. It is my responsibility isn't it ? My babies - if I know it affects them I am basically complicit. Believe and heavenly - I am conflicted because I need to be able to explain why I have called it. It's too late to cone back from this. He has just text me to say he is in hospital having tests for pneumonia and to suture the cut in his finger from when he smashed the vase up- my fault . I was shouting too and I feel responsible but I have now realised that it really is too late. I hear myself and feel pathetic. I know what I would say if I saw this post by someone else. Thank you everyone who has posted . Xx

OP posts:

FurryDogMother · 11/12/2016 19:31

Prawn has it right - he doesn't behave like this at work or with his mates, does he? He can control himself then - this is him choosing to treat you like this. Don't stand for it, don't hide it from others, and don't think you have to live with it. It's him, not you. Get rid. Also - believe that you're worth more. I put up with similar behaviour for far longer than I should have, only realised it wasn't me when he went on to treat another woman the same way and ended up in the papers after being prosecuted for it. So sorry you're going through this.

FlouncedBack · 11/12/2016 19:35

Your mind must be in turmoil, please take heed of the good advice posters are giving you. You are a mother of young children and their father shouldn't be raising his hands to you and making your children scared for you. It's not a mother's job to cover holes in the door or clear up the smashed up fridge and missiles he's thrown about in his temper.
You love this man but it's not right that you have to cover up his violence and unreasonableness, it's what abused women do, you didn't provoke it - put yourself and the children 1st enough is enough - the police will help you make that step to put a stop to it.

MrsBertBibby · 11/12/2016 19:35

Have you called the police yet OP?

loveyoutothemoon · 11/12/2016 19:36

I doubt very much that he's got pneumonia.

You've had some great advice on here and it's very important that you take notice.

tribpot · 11/12/2016 19:38

Poor diddums cut his finger smashing up the kitchen, wah wah.

Tests for pneumonia on a Sunday night in A&E? Possible, but so what? How did you shouting cause him to smash stuff up and assault you? You really need to get away from him dripping poison in your ear about how everything is your fault.

MrsBertBibby · 11/12/2016 19:40

Bear in mind he may be spinning A&E any crazy yarn about how that cut happened. You need them to come see what he did. Now.

MagicChanges · 11/12/2016 19:45

In hospital having "tests for pneumonia" - I don't buy that. People with pneumonia don't have the strength to do what he did this afternoon. And you don't need tests - you've either got it or you haven't. I think he's bullshitting. Oh OP I do feel for you and hope you are able to get away from this awful man. The trouble is with bullying controlling men they do actually make women feel that they won't be able to get away from them. Many women say the same as you "Oh if we separated he'd cause trouble over contact" - but one day at a time.

I do absolutely get that it isn't easy to up sticks with 3 children but I think after Christmas you need to get back in touch with Women's Aid and let them help you separate from this man. You won't regret it - many many women on MN have done it and will be here to support you.

Original poster

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 19:46

The guests (paying adult foreign students ) are home from london trip just now - and no have not phoned police. Two of the children are in bed now. He is still at a and e and is not answering my texts after telling me he might have a blood clot. What happens when I ring the police ? Furrydogmother - do you know ? X

OP posts:

Cary2012 · 11/12/2016 19:46

What Prawn said.

tribpot · 11/12/2016 19:48

Might have a blood clot - it just gets better. Wot bollocks. Stop texting him, that's what he wants.

RandomMess · 11/12/2016 19:52

Both times DH had pneumonia he was so ill and so weak incredibly quickly it's bullshit on his behalf to guilt you.

GetOutMyCar · 11/12/2016 19:53

You need to ring the police to protect yourself and your children not just now but in the future. This relationship is dead, it's only a matter of time until you wake up and see that. You don't want to end up in a custody battle somewhere down the line with him denying everything and painting you as the crazy one. Get smart. Phone the police. Get his abuse properly evidenced. Stop protecting him and start protecting your kids.

HeavenlyEyes · 11/12/2016 19:55

he is not your friend - stop talking to him and start taking action. His manipulation of you needs to stop.

rumred · 11/12/2016 20:04

Do you have friends and family to talk to? You need support now, not your abusive h.

Perhaps ring 101, discuss incidents and barring him from the house. Consider calling in sick if you work.
Good luck it sounds utterly awful

MinesAGin · 11/12/2016 20:12

You have paying guests there at the moment? Foreign students? And there's a racket like that going on?

My daughter's abroad at the moment and if there was shouting and screaming and punching walls and smashing china and slapping of people she would be on the phone to me in tears and we'd be making plans to get her out of there immediately.

You seem to have lost all sense of responsibility - to your children (god help them, trying to block out that noise) and to your paying guests.

I know it can be hard to get out of some relationships but the responsibility lies with you here. Pick up the phone. Call the police. Call Women's Aid. Do something.

Original poster

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 20:18

Ok I know . He is staying in hospital overnight due to high blood pressure. I am so relieved more than I am concerned about him . I am not brushing this off. The guests in the house think he is mr wonderful as do most people who know him do . They have heard nothing. It's all an act for appearances and am exhausted . The children deserve more than this. Thank you everyone - I have to go x thanks one and all for advice I really really appreciate it and ts kindness of strangers x will let u know xx

OP posts:

MrsBertBibby · 11/12/2016 20:30

Curtains, I'm glad you have some respite but you need to set things in motion now. Call the police, they will come see you, log the evidence, and take your statement. Then they will go talk to him, and they havevpowers to keep him away from the home if you will onlyblet them use them.

You can then access legal aid if you are financially eligible, for the divorce and finances.

Please, you have a window of opportunity right now to get him out. Take it, don't let it close, and spend the next year struggling to get away whilst he terrorises you.

If it helps, I'm a family solicitor. This is what I would be begging any client to do.

CocktailQueen · 11/12/2016 20:41

Well, I hope he does have a blood clot, the abusive arse. But he won't.

Any ONE of those things you mentioned above would have me ringing the police and ending my relationship. That you have accepted them all shows how your boundaries are totally skewed.

Ring the police. Show them what he has done. Tell them about the other incidences of violence and buses.

Think of your DC - your poor wee one with their fingers in their ears. No DC should ever have to listen to that.

Please protect your DC. They deserve it.

CocktailQueen · 11/12/2016 20:42

Abuse, not buses!

neonrainbow · 11/12/2016 20:47

I feel so sad for your poor children. They have no choice about whether to live in this toxic environment but you do. And you're choosing to stay.

Joysmum · 11/12/2016 20:52

I am not completely innocent - I shout and argue back as I feel frustrated that what he is angry about is unfair

Why do you think that is punishable by violence?

He's knows what he is doing is wrong which is why he chooses to only do this when it's just you and your child.

So he's not only in control but he's choosing to make your child a victim of being raised in a home of domestic abuse.

MagicChanges · 11/12/2016 21:10

Oh god he's got a blood clot now - really? Is he a hypocondriac? You ask about the police. It depends on how busy they are as to when they visit you - it will be noted as a "domestic" - to be honest given that there is no danger at present they might not see it as urgent. Even if they come when DH returns they will just talk to you both, unless DH starts kicking off with them in which case he could be arrested, but bailed tomorrow so he would be back home. Even if they charge him with assault on you, he will get bail and the police have to consult with CPS (Crown Prosecution Service) as to whether there would be good chance of a conviction if it went to court. SO in a way the police are most useful when the rowing gets out of hand and can step in to calm things down.

Why are you trying to text DH - I might be wrong but you seem afraid of him (small wonder really) or are you concerned about his health. Is he given to hypocondriasis? Are the students going home for Christmas - have they heard the rows that have been going on. But the main problem is your children - they sound very young and as others have said they will be emotionally damaged - there is a lot of research into the adverse effects of domestic violence on children.

MinesAGin · 11/12/2016 21:12

She's not going to call the police. She's living in cloud cuckoo land, thinking people can't hear smashing and crashing and yelling. Sorry to sound harsh, but this sort of thread really pisses me off - her children are being affected and she's not doing a thing about it.

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