Furious rowing

[Curtains77]

Please help I need perspective and I promise am not looking to validate - I have posted before about DH and I's volatile marriage and in the last 10 years it has occasionally spilt over into physical - I am always trying to escape or run off and I have been slapped , shaken , pushed, whacked with a dog lead etc that sort of thing. On my post here people were so supportive and it gave me a bit of confidence to go to the local refuge drop in session. Even though they did a risk assessment and gave me numbers to call and advice I did no more to act on it. I think because England went out the Euros and relived the pressure somewhat and also because we talked and talked and tried yo put things in place to enable our marriage to get better. I admit I was a little cynical it would be ok bit I do love him and needed yo tty. And at least I had the peace in my head knowing that, if I needed to , I could take the children and leave . But I needed to try. Hope u that does not sound too weak.
Fast forward to now and he is poorly - think asthmatic with chest infection, has had pneumonia in past . But I am not doing enough to look after him I should be more sympathetic - I am working, running house with guests staying and 3 kids. He has a lot of stress at work - tomorrow he is supposed yo be bring a big project to a close bit now may kit be able to do it. Two of the three children are I'll with colds too. Anyway - blazing row about me not being more sympathetic, I git cross and defensive he tells me I am crazy and I don't think normally etc etc. I come downstairs to go to the utility for time out to calm down except he follows me. He won't let me shut the door - he insist we talk about how irrational I am being ( this is after smashing up contents of fridge and smashing vase of flowers, punching holes in door to utiloty) I am pushing to get the door shut as hard as I can but can't and try to push him ( no success ) so I can shut the door as I just want to hide. I admit I should have not kepttrying to shut the door but he saw red and slapped my arms 3 times. Really hard. Then he has gone. He has gone out the house and I don't know where he is. Am I an unsmy pathetic cow ? I am putting children's pictures over the holes in the door so the guests cannot see. I am mortified. It's a mess and I don't know of its me or him or both. I cannot hold it together and pretend everything is ok. Help mumset 😐

Yeah! Just imagine how scared, how trained, how well managed she must be!

After all, any normal woman would deal with it, wouldn't she?

You sound less harsh than you do uninformed, e.g. Well publicised statistics show that, on average, a woman will leave and abusive relationship 7 times before she leaves for good.

MinesAGin - I can understand your frustration, but it's really not very helpful to the OP to post about it.

It can be terrifying to take action against your partner - it's like you start something that then tumbles out of your control, and affects all sorts of things you'd not even considered. Curtains - I found the police to be mostly helpful (apart from one particular twat who wasn't, but I complained, and I think he got sent for a bit of training). They came round and talked to me, told me I could refuse to have my violent partner back in the flat (which was mine, your situation may be different). They put me in touch with other supportive agencies (which I ended up not needing, because I was fine once I'd managed to get him out of the home) - they were extremely non-judgemental - I wasn't some kind of doormat who put up with being shouted at/threatened/intimidated, I did my fair share of shouting back - they were just helpful. They deal with these situations all the time - you really should give them a ring, get his unacceptable behaviour out in the open - it's not for you to be ashamed of it, it's his behaviour.

Thinking of you - with sympathy - forget about it being nearly Christmas, just make a resolution to start 2017 in a positive way, without this millstone of a man ariund your neck :)

OP I grew up in a home like yours. Myself and my siblings were and still are incredibly damaged by it. My mum stayed with him until he left when the youngest was 17. Too late the damage was done. We actually used to beg my mum to leave him.

Mines the trouble is, yes she is terrified of him. But part of her probably loves him too. The nice/nasty cycle of abuse is the biggest head fuck in the world! If you haven't experienced it then you have no idea. It took me years, and I mean years, to get rid of mine. And I was still heartbroken for so long as the nice parts of him I absolutely ached for. So please stop being cross that she isn't calling the police immediately.

Furrydogmother - thank you that was very helpful . I am going to log this on 101 in tge morning. I am also not a door mat or a stereotypical battered wife. Yet I am miserable most of the time . I have lost myself and I do realise that. I was never the most assertive person before I met him minesagin and now , I admit at times I wish I had never met him as I feel like I am keeping up a big facade all the time. i am terrified of losing everythinh - along with the lovely charming parts of him that the kids adore.The original argument was that I was being unsympathetic because I was working too many hours and I should give up jy job that I love. I panicked because I realised it's my sanity lifeline - I was apprehensive enough apprehensive bout Christmas before - all that alcohol and prolonged time together. He is alcohol dependant I realise . So that's me - but I hear you all and I am so sorry that happened to you charley50 xx thank you all for making me think and reinforcing me x thank God for mumsnet xx

He's a horrible narcissistic abusive scumbag. You and your babies deserve a better life than this. And there is no such things as the stereotypical battered wife. My friends who have been in abusive relationships are the cleverest, most assertive women I know - successful, beautiful, brave women. And they ended up getting sucked into this trap. It starts to feel normal. You need somebody there beside shouting THIS IS NOT NORMAL, DONT LET HIM CONVINCE YOU ITS NORMAL.

Op, this is so far from normal. This is awful abusive, unimaginable to those of us lucky enough to always have dated good men, and all too sadly familiar to those who've been abused before.

It always follows the same patterns and it never gets better. It's not a problem he needs to work on. It's WHO HE IS.

He will never change.

There is a beautiful, peaceful happy life out there for you if you could just grab it.

You don't need to make any decisions right away. In fact as this man is violent, caution should be taken.

Find real life support, get your ducks in a row, seek legal advice and help from the women's refuge.

Then, for your own sake and your children's, walk away into the better life you deserve.

I did it! I phoned the police and am going in on Friday to make a report. Still shaking as am so worried but I did do it ! Thanks everyone xx

Well done Curtains, I'm pleased you took the step to call the police.

Please please PLEASE go on Friday. Don't let anything he says or does change your mind.

Well done!!!

Well done - that's a massive step in the right direction.
Get pictures of all of the damage he did so you can show the police.
Write down your account of what happened now as well so it's still fresh in your mind.
I really hope you can get away from him.
This abuse is horrendous and your poor DC don't deserve this awful life either!

Well done indeed - am very impressed. Is he still messaging you lots from his hospital bed?

Curtains, wouldn't matter if you called him every name under the sun, cheated on him repeatedly, ignored him, etc, etc, no human being has the right to put their hands on you and mark you - no MATTER what you said or did!

So glad you are facing up to this, you must get your children out this toxic environment, you are allowing this pig and disgrace of a man to damage them, it's the early years that shape them, this will be embedded in their memory, even if unconsciously.

Get him gone, he's a coward and a bully and you're his punch bag, simple as that, he will never be any different.

Furious Rowing - no DOMESTIC ABUSE in FULL FLOW

That's fantastic, well done. But Friday is a long time away and keeping your nerve up for that long could be tough. Keep in mind that your children deserve better than this. It has to end, for their sakes.

I can't understand why police are waiting until Friday?

But we'll done you for reporting.

How incredibly brave of you. Well done. First step towards that better life.

Please phone a women's refuge for tips on how to stay safe at this point. They can give you practical advice and support for this transition. You need to be careful. He is violent and may become more violent than ever before when he learns you are leaving.

Heavenlyeyes - no they discharged him so he is home . When I got home from work he is in full charming mode - put more Christmas lights up and saying we are going to have best christmas ever - both of us to make an effort and not row. But I kjow it won't take much and I don't trust him . Friday was the earliest - he has been signed off from work so obviously he is going to be around all the time clocking where I am . I am not in immediate danger I don't think - the charming him will probably last a week or two.
Fri morning I always do the shop and visit my nan so I can only do it then . They were really really nice and did offer to come to where I work but I am definitely not ready to get them involved. But tribpot I will keep that in mind even if I have a wobble - the children are my main focus now. Hellsbells - they said that too so will take photos of door when I can and my arms - bruises coming out today 😐 may reread the messages if I have a wobble. Feeling sad today but determined.

Hi whoever - I will be careful I promise. I will just plan and plan at this point I think . I am going to have to talk to someone for RL help and support buy problem is most of the people we know think he is wonderful and won't believe it. I have to learn to stand my ground.

You have done so well, Curtains. Him and his Christmas lights... I can just see your DH trying to gloss over what's happened so you can have a "wonderful family Christmas", ignoring his violence, your bruises and the broken stuff.

I think it's human nature to minimize, particularly when everything at this time of year is stressing forgiveness. If you find yourself weakening remember your DCs, and your tiny boy with his fingers. Next Christmas you and your DC will be living in peace, the best present you could give them.

Well done.

Please visit your GP asap to get the bruises on your notes - they may be fading on Friday.

Wishing you strength to see this through

His line about 'both of you making an effort' is disgusting minimising. He assaulted you. Smashed up your home. And is here trying to distribute the blame between you both, as if it was a normal row.

It was domestic abuse and you are damn right to report it. And bloody brave too. Good woman.

Take your own photos of your arms. It's important that there is a record of how bad they are - by Friday they may have started to fade.

Is there any way that you can get out of the house sooner? Any friends or family that you could stay with?

Have taken photos - thank u all for the tips and advice and most of all the hand holding. I feel like you are all right beside me. Thank you for taking the time to reply x

Well done OP. I thought you'd bottled it. Misjudged you! Don't look back.