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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Furious rowing

98 replies

Curtains77 · 11/12/2016 18:24

Please help I need perspective and I promise am not looking to validate - I have posted before about DH and I's volatile marriage and in the last 10 years it has occasionally spilt over into physical - I am always trying to escape or run off and I have been slapped , shaken , pushed, whacked with a dog lead etc that sort of thing. On my post here people were so supportive and it gave me a bit of confidence to go to the local refuge drop in session. Even though they did a risk assessment and gave me numbers to call and advice I did no more to act on it. I think because England went out the Euros and relived the pressure somewhat and also because we talked and talked and tried yo put things in place to enable our marriage to get better. I admit I was a little cynical it would be ok bit I do love him and needed yo tty. And at least I had the peace in my head knowing that, if I needed to , I could take the children and leave . But I needed to try. Hope u that does not sound too weak.
Fast forward to now and he is poorly - think asthmatic with chest infection, has had pneumonia in past . But I am not doing enough to look after him I should be more sympathetic - I am working, running house with guests staying and 3 kids. He has a lot of stress at work - tomorrow he is supposed yo be bring a big project to a close bit now may kit be able to do it. Two of the three children are I'll with colds too. Anyway - blazing row about me not being more sympathetic, I git cross and defensive he tells me I am crazy and I don't think normally etc etc. I come downstairs to go to the utility for time out to calm down except he follows me. He won't let me shut the door - he insist we talk about how irrational I am being ( this is after smashing up contents of fridge and smashing vase of flowers, punching holes in door to utiloty) I am pushing to get the door shut as hard as I can but can't and try to push him ( no success ) so I can shut the door as I just want to hide. I admit I should have not kepttrying to shut the door but he saw red and slapped my arms 3 times. Really hard. Then he has gone. He has gone out the house and I don't know where he is. Am I an unsmy pathetic cow ? I am putting children's pictures over the holes in the door so the guests cannot see. I am mortified. It's a mess and I don't know of its me or him or both. I cannot hold it together and pretend everything is ok. Help mumset 😐

OP posts:

Original poster

Curtains77 · 13/12/2016 00:24

Fuck - the police have just turned up at my house and taken my husband away ! Anyone awake ...Help!

OP posts:

lookatyourwatchnow · 13/12/2016 00:27

I'm awake OP. Are you and the DC ok?

EmeraldIsle100 · 13/12/2016 00:33

I am up Curtains. Try to stay calm even though it is extremely difficult. I know you feel this is a crisis and all sorts of thoughts must be racing through your mind.

You will definitely not appreciate it now but this could be a turning point. He assaulted you and it is quite right that the police have taken him to the station. I know it is scary, I have been through this myself, but try your best to stay calm.

Women like you and I who have been bullied in their home stop seeing how dysfunctional things really are but it is very clear to the police that his behaviour was against the law and they are taking things seriously.

Get yourself a cup of tea and keep repeating to yourself that things will be ok.

If it makes you feel better you could ring the station and ask them what happens now.

Lots of MNs have been where you are so please don't think you are alone.

Keep posting if it helps, you will get support on this thread

MrsBertBibby · 13/12/2016 00:34

Goodness! Definitely in relation to your complaint?

MrsBertBibby · 13/12/2016 00:36

Don't back out now, this is what he has done, not you.

TimidLividyetagain · 13/12/2016 00:50

Stand strong dont back down something had to give, think of the kids and that no level of domestic violence is acceptable in their lives. you can do this.. how bad does it need to get. Let this be an end to feeling like crap in ur own house.

TimidLividyetagain · 13/12/2016 00:51

Hope ur okay. Dont give up don't panic

Original poster

Curtains77 · 13/12/2016 00:52

Emeraldisle- that's it .I lodged a non urgent call and they turned up at 1130 when we were in bed . I said they had to go so they gave me a cover story and left, then I went back to bed and told dh and I he was convinced by it I think. Then ten minutes later they come back tell me to wait in the kitchen they are really sorry but they have to take him. I had a plan to leave- I had a plan . They have just blown it all apart . I really ducked up am so so scared

OP posts:

BlueFolly · 13/12/2016 00:56

What reason did they give for taking him?

TimidLividyetagain · 13/12/2016 00:57

Make a new plan, call someone in real life to get support if you can, I know it's hard as its out in the open now

Original poster

Curtains77 · 13/12/2016 00:57

Have tea and mumsnet. Bit calmer but mind racing .

OP posts:

Original poster

Curtains77 · 13/12/2016 01:00

Blue -The said they had to take him to protect me . I told them why I phoned a non urgentry call. I underst and that. Timid - the one person in RL is asleep and she mist have her phone on silent 🙁this is hard as I don't know if he will be angry or sorry or resigned or what. And he isn't well !

OP posts:

EmeraldIsle100 · 13/12/2016 01:03

I know that you are scared and that is normal. You feel that your plan has been blown apart but the police listened to you and felt that you needed protection. They didn't take him away lightly, they have other things to do but decided that you needed protecting and they were right.

You have a lot to deal with now so don't try to think about your plan being ruined. In reality you might not have got moving on the plan because you do what all women try to do and that is to keep the peace. There was never ever going to be a good time to put the plan into action.

You need to stay calm and you can stay calm. You are a very capable person. Who knows when they will allow him back but in the meantime if the kids or the guests ask what's going on just say the police are investigating some kind of report in the neighbourhood and needed some information from people who live locally. Keep it vague, you don't owe anyone an explanation.

This is a scary time but honestly please take it from me, I have been in your situation, it is a good thing that this happened.

This might just make him realise that he needs to change.

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 13/12/2016 01:05

Jesus. I understand why you're scared - they've pushed you in at the deep end and taken away the extra days you had to plan. You poor thing.

If it was me I'd be calling an emergency locksmith out to change the locks and leaving his stuff on the doorstep, but I appreciate that might not be do-able for you for any number of reasons.

Is there any number/charity you can call for practical advice?

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 13/12/2016 01:08

Regarding him not being well, he was well enough to trash the house and hit you. I think he'll survive.

You need to focus on yourself, making a new plan, and listening to emerald who is far wiser than me.

Original poster

Curtains77 · 13/12/2016 01:09

Ok . Will be calm. Panic keeps coming and going, and guilt . Lots of guilt for the children , him . Going back to bed now to try to sleep. Thanks for posting emerald it means a lot x

OP posts:

EmeraldIsle100 · 13/12/2016 01:09

Women's Aid have a Freephone 24 hour Helpline on 0808 2000 247.

I hear that calls sometimes go unanswered so don't feel bad if nobody answers.

You can make plans over the next few days. In the meantime, stay warm and ring the station to see what will happen and get yourself back to bed.

iogo · 13/12/2016 01:10

I'm here too. It's not late where I am in the world so I can be here for a while. You've done the right thing and I do believe the police will keep you safe. They must have been concerned to have come back.

Is there someone IRL who can come and sit with you? Would the police be able to send a FLO?

YouCanDoThis · 13/12/2016 01:12

Hi Curtains, I can see this feels
way out of your control and quite scary, with so many consequences and unanswered questions. You have done very well to take these steps and it can be better than this. You don't have to live in fear or trying to keep the peace. Your children don't have to be scared in their own home.
It might help to talk to someone tonight. As well as the support you receive in this thread, you can call the Samaritans on 116123. It is free to call and won't appear on any phone bill. They are open 24hrs a day and would be very happy to be with you whilst you are feeling in distress. You don't have to be suicidal to call!

EmeraldIsle100 · 13/12/2016 01:17

Don't berate yourself by feeling misplaced guilt. You are a loving mum who is just doing her best in a very tough situation. You are doing a wonderful job, your DC love you, you work inside and outside the home and take care of everyone. Night night, I hope you get some sleep x

EmeraldIsle100 · 13/12/2016 01:34

OP minimizing abuse is part of the abuse your husband subjected you to so try not to feel responsible for what happened. I know a lot of posters have said that you chose to stay, you didn't chose to stay, minimizing the abuse was a coping strategy, you were just too terrified to leave and thought that you could keep everyone safe.

None of this is your fault and you are not guilty. When things calm down you can access support to help you understand your reactions to they way your husband treated you.

WhoeverUWantMeToBe · 13/12/2016 02:24

You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are protecting your children. You are trying to build a future for them where they won't have to put their fingers in their little ears to block out the sound of their dad hitting their mum.

Calling the station to get a clear picture of what is going on is a good idea. Same with the women's aid helpline/Samaritan's. But preferably women's aid as they should be able to give practical advice for what happens next.

MrsBertBibby · 13/12/2016 07:20

Morning OP, hope you got some sleep.

Hope the police have told you what their plans are.

Can I suggest you arrange to see a family solicitor asap to get an idea of your options? Find a Resolution member (preferably accredited) here

www.resolution.org.uk/landing-two-cols.asp?page_id=21

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