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Original poster

ExH wants more access than I want to give

178 replies

SuiteHarmony · 10/12/2016 02:08

I name-changed a few weeks back ....

I am having a 'family conference' with exH soon to discuss the children, and I am anxious and concerned about how it will go.

I was a SAHM since my eldest was born in 2006. Four kids. I asked H to leave when I found out about his affair in 2014.

At that time, we arranged access 3/14 days, being every second Fri-Mon.

Since early this year, I got a job, and an au pair.

Access is now 4/14, every second Fri-Tues. As H has long holidays (think university terms) he also has approx 5x7 days additional exclusive access.

He wants more. As my children are all 10 and under (youngest is 3), I don't feel that increased overnights are appropriate. I admit that this is tied up with the fact that I feel I have relinquished a huge amount of time with my children due to his selfishness and stupidity.

The job I have enables me to do school drop-offs every morning, and be home by 3.30/4 most days. His doesn't (self-employed).

By choice, I spend my kid nights with the kids. By choice, he would still go out 2/4 of his contact nights.

I have no idea how to communicate in a reasonable way that I have lost enough, and don't want to give more. And that I genuinely feel the kids would have a better outcome from the stability and time I provide. Plus I reared them pretty much single-handedly in the early, demanding years and feel I know them better and they need me more.

I don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
SuiteHarmony · 10/12/2016 10:11

OP here.

Thanks for all the replies and understanding. I am trying to get my head around it.

To give a fuller picture, ExH lives quite nearby (2 miles) and there is regular ad hoc contact (e.g. occasional bedtime stories, or occasional collection from school/activities). I'm saying that not to dripfeed: these are informal and ad hoc.

It is very helpful to read the replies which will help me articulate what I feel.

OP posts:
Bob19702 · 10/12/2016 10:13

If he lives nearby would that not make it easier to be 50/50 , it works well because it will also give yourself some free time to pursue your interests ?

Cricrichan · 10/12/2016 10:28

Hi op, no experience but I don't think it's a bad idea that their father gets to experience the more mundane part of parenting. Maybe he could have them one or two evenings a week and could then drop them back at yours? It would also give you time to go to the gym or pursue your own interests?

Original poster
SuiteHarmony · 10/12/2016 10:35

I actually think he views 50/50 as a commodity issue, a fair share, rather than practically do-able or a 'best outcome for the kids.'

We did used to have a setup whereby I would go to a hobby one night and he would do bedtime with the kids in my house, but he became inconsistent and eventually dropped it. I found the inconsistency infuriating.

I do give him first refusal on babysitting too.

So on an ad hoc basis there are lots of other windows of contact. I struggle with his wish to formalise increased away-time, which I just feel isn't right or necessary.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 10:39

Whilst I agree that 50:50 isn't always in the interests of individual children, a court will use this as a starting point and should treat you as equal parents unless there is a very good reason not to. Informal and ad hoc contact is all very well but it is obviously more challenging for your ex to arrange his life around that. He is probably not unreasonable to look for a more stable arrangement that doesn't require you to facilitate and agree every time he wants to spend time with his kids outside his current contact time.

BubbleGumBubble · 10/12/2016 10:41

You say you stopped the ad hoc extra time as he was not consistant.

Now he wants to formalise it meaning it is "set" extra time and you are unhappy with that too Confused

Are you sure this is not about you needing to be in control?

Bob19702 · 10/12/2016 10:42

I don't know your circumstances but I wouldn't want my exw having the DCs at my house , we both know the routine and stick to it with minimal contact. Obviously around Xmas time and holidays we are more flexible but still stick to 50 /50 the best we can .

Original poster
SuiteHarmony · 10/12/2016 10:51

No, I didn't stop the ad hoc contact time. He just didn't commit to it so it was hit and miss. It would have suited me to formalise it; instead I ended up giving up the hobby (temporarily, hopefully).

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 10/12/2016 10:52

You call them "my" children but they are his too. The courts won't give a monkeys as to who caused the splits as they put the children first not the wants of the adults. You will come across as very controlling, it's all on your terms and when it suits you.

50/50 is a very fair request, neither parent is more important and children should have equal time with both.

If the courts ruled you could have them every other weekend would you be happy? Of course not. Don't punish him via the children. They will realise when older and that could lead to a very damaged relationship with them.

I hope he gets 50/50, it is becoming more common as judges acknowledge that both parents are equal.

BubbleGumBubble · 10/12/2016 10:52

So if he had formalised it you would have been ok with that and now he wants to formalise it you are not ok with it....Confused

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 10/12/2016 10:56

He's as much a parent as you are so what right do you have to say you don't want him to have any more than he does? What do the kids want?

Original poster
SuiteHarmony · 10/12/2016 10:57

Sorry, bubblegum, I'm not making myself clear: it is extra away nights that I am uncomfortable with.

What I've been trying to communicate is that there aren't long stretches with no communication or contact, and that works well for all. It would work better if it were better structured.

I don't think additional overnights away are great at their young age during school time, and that's where I am struggling. And I am struggling.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 10:58

You are entitled to think that but your ex is entitled to see 'overnights away' simply as his children spending more time with their parent, not time away from home in the way you see it. I understand why this is a really difficult adjustment for you.

Original poster
SuiteHarmony · 10/12/2016 10:59

*you call them "my children" but they are his too."

I think I just called them 'the kids.'

OP posts:
BubbleGumBubble · 10/12/2016 11:01

Ok so why do you think extra nights away at dads house that they know which is only 2 miles away from yours and I would assume close to their school a problem?

Please try to avoid the "they need routine" stuff as routines only become routine when they are repeated and established so overnights at dads will soon become routine after they have done it for a few weeks.

MrsBertBibby · 10/12/2016 11:01

There really isn't a "starting point of 50:50" in child arrangements. Any such thing would go against the overriding principle that the court must put the interests of the children first.

It beats me why anyone would make up stories about what the law is, just to advance how they think things should be,

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 10/12/2016 11:02

since my eldest was born
As my children are all 10 and under
I feel I have relinquished a huge amount of time with my children due to...

BubbleGumBubble · 10/12/2016 11:04

I feel the same about the "proven fact" that 50:50 is not good for young children Mrs

Original poster
SuiteHarmony · 10/12/2016 11:04

Wow. I wasn't even aware I did that.

I will be more mindful.

OP posts:
EverythingEverywhere1234 · 10/12/2016 11:04

Posted too soon. Basically you do refer to them as your children a lot. I can only imagine how hard it is to find out your DH and father of your children was having an affair but that really can't be a factor in how much he sees them if he is a good father to them.
I was kind of harsh in my other post.

Original poster
SuiteHarmony · 10/12/2016 11:06

I don't mind harsh if it has foundation!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 10/12/2016 11:09

MrsBertBibby: Priority is always given to the welfare of the children but the court is obliged, subject to that principle, to treat all parties fairly and to give them equal footing. So they can't start from a presumption that one parent has more rights than the other, if that makes sense.

BubbleGumBubble · 10/12/2016 11:09

If it helps OP i really did struggle with 50:50 at first. I had never spent so long away from my children and I was virtually a sahm.
However i had to remember that contact was not about me or my ex it was about DC and ideally they wanted to see both parents everyday. Obviously not possible but we were able to facilitate 50:50 to give the dc equal time with both parents not the parents equal time with DC iyswim.

springydaffs · 10/12/2016 11:09

My kids went to their dad's EOW (with nothing on the week as he lived and worked in another city 100s miles away) at the house he bought here.

One of my dc hated this arrangement and felt very destabilised by it. She would have had a breakdown with 50:50. She loved us both and wanted to see her dad but couldn't cope with the toing and froing, even EOW.

MrsBertBibby · 10/12/2016 11:24

Trifle, what experience tells you that courts "give them an equal footing"?