Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH spa day with colleagues

134 replies

brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 18:54

NC for this, but I am a regular poster.

I would love some other perspectives on this, as I can't see the wood for the trees right now!

For background: My first DH cheated on me, throughout our 20 year relationship. Several women. I didn't know until the end and realised then, that he had gaslighted me the whole time.

This has resulted in me having huge trust issues with my subsequent relationships. The man I dated after ExH, got me pregnant and whilst pregnant I found out that he was also cheating on me. That pregnancy did not last and when I was losing the baby he was out on the town with OW.

Anyway, whilst that's all in the past, and I do trust my 2nd DH, I do sometimes have wobbles with trust. I try to keep this in check, but I do realise that I am somewhat "damaged" by these past relationships.

DH has his works Christmas "do" tonight at a gorgeous castle, some 2 hours away. There are 6 people going. 2 women (both single and very pretty) and 4 men. Given the distance, they all have rooms booked for the night. They travelled up today and were going to spend the afternoon together in the spa, sauna, jacuzzi, pool and having drinks, before the evening meal and disco. They will all get very, very drunk.

How would you feel about this? I feel a bit uncomfortable and wonder if yet again, it's my damaged side coming out!!

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/12/2016 10:39

No, not the end of the world. Still icky though. I wonder how op's head is this morning Smile

AnnieAnoniMouse · 10/12/2016 10:50

Last night I read as that 'in general' she was just gong to carry on watching porn & sorting herself up. More a weary resignation to the fact her sex life isn't going to improve anytime soon, than that she was doing itbrightbthere & then... though not so sure re reading it now.

I'm just off to sort myself out...

...with a coffee ☕️

AnyFucker · 10/12/2016 10:53
Smile
Original poster
brownhairedlass · 10/12/2016 10:58

Crikey, I did NOT mean that I was doing any self help last night! Quite honestly that would have been the last thing on my mind. I was pretty exhausted tbh. Only managed dry crackers for dinner and some wine. I meant a few days ago, when I initiated sex and was rejected. Bearing in mind, it's now been quite some time since we DTD. Sorry if that was tmi for those pearl clutchers out there.

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 10/12/2016 10:58

Actually it is quite torturous having a high libido and being stuck with someone who doesn't. Not surprised she was feeling Hmmabout the situation when a spa day and night away with her DP has the potential for a bit of sex. I didn't think the situation was at all odd but put their lack of sex in that context I sort of get it.

AnyFucker · 10/12/2016 11:06

I was going to keep it lighthearted if you came back and say sorry for accusing you of fiddling with yourself as you typed. But I've changed my mind.

tiej · 10/12/2016 11:40

Never thought of AF as a pearl clutcher before.

Made my day.

jeaux90 · 10/12/2016 11:41

All for a bit of self sport OP and sometimes I do get a bit shocked that people find any reference to it offensive in here. However I think it was the immediacy implied that might have prompted the reaction. I am definitely not a pearl clutcher (not married, single mum, nice career don't drive a people wagon Grin)

Anyway how is it with the DP? You over the concern? X

AnyFucker · 10/12/2016 12:02

Tiej Smile

I do have some pearls actually. They were left to me in an inheritance. I shall go and clutch them immediately.

tiej · 10/12/2016 12:32

Stealth boast AF?

Quintessing · 10/12/2016 12:41

That is a very odd and intimate Christmas party.

Not at all like this one in Sweden, but could possibly top it.

Summary in English here:
www.neogaf.com/forum/showthread.php?t=1323617

To be perfectly honest with you, I have been married 20 years. I would not go to such an intimate Christmas do...

Belleblush · 10/12/2016 15:08

I'd hate it. Sorry. What a strange works do for mixed genders.

Lilacpink40 · 10/12/2016 15:53

OP moving away from how and when you alleviate frustrations, which is up to you (I hope you found the tangents funny and haven't added to stress, think most were lighthearted) the issues are still there.

Your DP won't talk about a libido difference and acts as though your opinions are wrong / don't count. I think the party has thrown up in your face the fact that he's happy to be partially clothed with attractive women, so maybe you want to know why the low libido?

blueshoes · 10/12/2016 16:57

Men voluntarily going for a spa day with colleagues? I am astounded.

ForalltheSaints · 10/12/2016 19:58

If it was a spa day in Germany or Austria, they would all be naked in the sauna at least.

Work Christmas dos for me is a meal in a local restaurant and I don't drink at them as wine is not for me and the beer is usually overpriced lager. Thankfully there is always someone who has to leave straight after the meal so I can also make excuses and go.

Redglitter · 10/12/2016 22:40

But the spa element isn't the works night out. They're going to a party night in a hotel. The hotel has a spa so since they're all staying overnight they're taking advantage of the facilities

Belleblush · 10/12/2016 22:43

What is a pearl clutcher? Should I know this?

WhatsGoingOnEh · 10/12/2016 23:06

I'm so fed up of worrying about men

OP, this poignant little sentence really struck a chord with me. I know exactly how you feel! I often feel I've wasted half my lovely life angsting about some twunt or another. :) But here's what you do:

You remind yourself that yes, you may have been really messed around by your first husband, BUT YOU SURVIVED. Your next partner might also have been a total bell-end, BUT, AGAIN, YOU SURVIVED. Your current DH might turn out to also be a prize sank-stain on the mattress of humanity but guess what? You'll survive that, too. You might give up on blokes altogether if he does, but you'll be OK.

Worrying is so draining. And it's such a waste of breath, and life, because you could worry about everything and it won't change the eventual outcome at all. Do you feel, now, that the worst bit about your first marriage was your humiliating blissful ignorance, and so you're hyper-alert these days for any possible sign of trouble? I'd understand that totally. But again, it's just draining YOU of so much.

Hope for the best, and know that you WILL be OK if he decides to run off with Sergeant Klum. You'll be fine. You've come through worse than this.

And in the meantime, make a concerted effort to make YOUR life as fantastic as it can possibly be. Make lovely friends, throw yourself into community things, work your arse off, create, sing, read, laugh. Don't waste one more second worrying about what other people do; spend all your time dreaming up new ways to make yourself happy -- besides wanking :)

WhatsGoingOnEh · 10/12/2016 23:08

What is a pearl clutcher? Should I know this?

Pearl-clutcher actually wold work as a euphemism for female masturbation. "Ooh, I clutched my pearl so hard last night, I nearly pulled the bloody thing right off."

Sallystyle · 10/12/2016 23:20

I wouldn't like it at all. DH wouldn't go anyway.

He wouldn't like it if the shoe was on the other foot. I don't care if that makes me insecure or whatever. It won't be happening in my marriage.

Sallystyle · 10/12/2016 23:26

Funnily enough, this kind of thing often seems to be ok on MN. If I think about all the females I know I can't imagine even one of them being ok with it.

They are 'normal' happy and mostly secure women.

It's not abnormal to not want your husband drinking with other women in an intimate setting like that wearing very little clothing. I don't actually think that makes me insecure.

AnyFucker · 11/12/2016 14:38

That is such good advice, What. We waste far too much time worrying what the men are doing instead of taking note of what we are doing. Far too much grey thinking allows self doubt and the chinks to appear that allow others to take the piss. More black and white is the way to go, IMO

The only caveat I would add is decide what your boundaries are, protect them firmly and then stop worrying about it.

This one would be outside of my boundaries. My H would not consider it in the first place, but if he did he would find his marriage was over.

Cary2012 · 11/12/2016 17:35

I think more and more in black and white and it is better, it forces decisions, stops dithering and faffing about.

I love my colleagues, I think they're fond of me, but the thought of us all stripping down to our scanties and sharing an oversized bubble bath would have each of us running for the hills.

I have no one to give me permission over this, but I don't need to. The idea is fifty shades of shite.

Weird, just weird.

I was going to finish off with a line about his truncheon, but I thought better of it...

Tinkah · 11/12/2016 17:44

I would hate my DH to go on a do like that.

wordassociationfootball · 11/12/2016 18:46

Come back brownhairedlass Smile