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Original poster

DH spa day with colleagues

134 replies

brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 18:54

NC for this, but I am a regular poster.

I would love some other perspectives on this, as I can't see the wood for the trees right now!

For background: My first DH cheated on me, throughout our 20 year relationship. Several women. I didn't know until the end and realised then, that he had gaslighted me the whole time.

This has resulted in me having huge trust issues with my subsequent relationships. The man I dated after ExH, got me pregnant and whilst pregnant I found out that he was also cheating on me. That pregnancy did not last and when I was losing the baby he was out on the town with OW.

Anyway, whilst that's all in the past, and I do trust my 2nd DH, I do sometimes have wobbles with trust. I try to keep this in check, but I do realise that I am somewhat "damaged" by these past relationships.

DH has his works Christmas "do" tonight at a gorgeous castle, some 2 hours away. There are 6 people going. 2 women (both single and very pretty) and 4 men. Given the distance, they all have rooms booked for the night. They travelled up today and were going to spend the afternoon together in the spa, sauna, jacuzzi, pool and having drinks, before the evening meal and disco. They will all get very, very drunk.

How would you feel about this? I feel a bit uncomfortable and wonder if yet again, it's my damaged side coming out!!

OP posts:
ValaMalDoran · 09/12/2016 20:46

It would be my idea of hell. Being in swimwear in front of colleagues sounds like torture to me. However some people are really into that and it isn't an unusual activity if they are friends as well as colleagues or have a closer working relationship than most.

I can kind of see why they are happy with it. I'm assuming since it's 6 people and the police they work very closely together, possibly in rough conditions. Police colleagues often have to be 100% comfortable and tight with their team to feel and be safe. I can see why they might want to just chill out together for once. I can also see why they are likely to be much closer than most colleagues. This closeness is nothing to do with sexual intimacy either. It's a bond and trust totally outside of that. It's a bond of circumstances rather than attraction.

I think in these circumstances you need to just try and let go of the insecurities. I actually think there's less chance of inappropriate things in such a small group because ALL your team will see everything you do. There's nowhere to hide in a small group so it does make you accountable. You also have to work with these people every day. In a small team you can't sneak off and you can't avoid someone you made a twat of yourself in front of.

fluffygal · 09/12/2016 20:48

He's in the police- I would be very worried considering the culture in the police force.

I would not be comfortable if my DP had this sort of work do- far too intimate. I wouldn't be comfortable going on it myself with my work colleagues, what a strange Christmas do to have! My DP wouldn't want to go on that sort of thing without me anyway.

ValaMalDoran · 09/12/2016 20:48

I also would use spa facilities if the hotel had them simply because fuck it I've paid for it I'm getting my money's worth..,

Original poster
brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 20:50

I am 100% sure nothing would happen with DH and anyone. What annoyed me was him saying that I was the only woman on the planet that would have a problem with this kind of "do". All I said was "that's a bit odd" anyway!!

OP posts:
Smartleatherbag · 09/12/2016 20:50

It's a very odd Christmas do! I just can't imagine my dh going on this, or doing so myself either.
I would trust him though. But I'd feel a bit uncomfortable, if that makes sense?

ValaMalDoran · 09/12/2016 20:51

He's in the police- I would be very worried considering the culture in the police force.

What culture?

ValaMalDoran · 09/12/2016 20:52

As proved you aren't the only one. I see both sides, why he thinks it's fine and why it makes you uncomfortable. A work event involving swimwear is definitely not common and a lot of people (myself included) would be uncomfortable with it.

EllaHen · 09/12/2016 20:53

No, not normal at all. Don't let your 'insecurities' be used against you when he's doing something not actually normal.

A crack team of Britain's Finest eh? Deserving of a whole day and night to celebrate Christmas eh? They do rather like themselves.

Original poster
brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 20:53

I am trying to get over my insecurities. I packed him a cool box of prosecco, beer and whisky, and plastic glasses for pre/post dinner drinks, plus nibbles/crisps. He said thanks under his breath. He is still annoyed with me that I raised our lack of sex life 2 days ago.

OP posts:
Tomhardysmistress · 09/12/2016 20:54

I don't know why, but I keep picturing that episode of Cold Feet where the six of them spent New Years Eve in that Castle!

My DH is in the emergency services too and their Xmas Do is normally them all piling into some back street Conservative Club with a curry afterwards. ( and yes he works with females too) I just can't imagine him agreeing to an intimate spa weekend for 6 for their Xmas Do!! And neither can I! I don't want to strip off in front of my work mates! And it would be pretty boring if there is only 6 going too? Not much of a disco atmosphere if you know what I mean? Way too weird!

Ohitdo · 09/12/2016 20:55

Not sure why you packed him drinks and nibbles.

Ohitdo · 09/12/2016 20:56

Is that you saying you are ok with it when you're not?

MooPointCowsOpinion · 09/12/2016 20:56

That's a weird Xmas do, why did he want to go? If my boss suggested that I'd think it's inappropriate, dinner, drinks maybe. But a spa? Hotel? What's the point?

TheBogQueen · 09/12/2016 20:56

They are in the police and are having a Spa day? How does that fit around shifts?

Weird Confused

Anyway yiu will drive yourself mad about this so either you voice your concerns or you decide to rust home. Frankly if he was my partner I'd be really Hmm about a SPa day and overnight with work colleagues because it's Christmas.

What planet is this team on?

Original poster
brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 20:56

vala the culture is a load of shagging and cheating. It's very, very prevalent. I was a cop myself for 5 years, altho never once got propositioned! I know he wouldn't do this though, he is very shy. But women come on to him, as he is 6 foot 3, very big and very handsome.

OP posts:
Tomhardysmistress · 09/12/2016 20:56

Spiking the drinks eh OP? Wink

TheBogQueen · 09/12/2016 20:58

Sorry 'trust him' not 'rust home.'

And I'd have thought the bosses would take a pretty dim view of that carry on.

Original poster
brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 20:59

tomhardy it's not 6 at the disco, lol it's a party night. So a table of 6 in a function room of maybe 100

OP posts:
pnutter · 09/12/2016 21:00

Blimey ...you packed him extra booze. I don't know why but now we have the full story he doesn't sound very nice (sorry)

TheBogQueen · 09/12/2016 21:02

Oh so it's not jus six of them? The team is joining colleagues for a night?

That's a bit more understandable.

Well you will just have to trust him.

Original poster
brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 21:02

ohidto No, I felt so bad about our row the other day, I was trying to make the peace.

OP posts:
Original poster
brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 21:04

No. It's a big party night that various companies can book in for. For all I know they could be sat with Vodafone/Sky....

OP posts:
Redglitter · 09/12/2016 21:04

Bogqueen The police do actually get days off. Nights out fit quite well round shifts

I work for the police and regularly socialise with my predominently male colleagues. I'm also single. It doesn't mean I want to shag any of them. They're colleagues nothing more. My shift went on a 2 night break overseas once. Despite it being a mixed group guess what nothing out the ordinary happened. Even though there were single people there

Original poster
brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 21:05

God I'm confused now! Prosecco not helping....

OP posts:
Tomhardysmistress · 09/12/2016 21:09

Ahh so not Cold Feet in the Castle then? Lol

So it's tonight and he has already left?

There isn't much you can do other than to blot it out when you are done with this thread. Treat yourself to a nice evening yourself, nice bath, candles and your favourite film etc.

I would try and work on getting rid of his opinion of you that you are over paranoid tbh. Puts you in a weaker position if you know what I mean?