Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH spa day with colleagues

134 replies

brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 18:54

NC for this, but I am a regular poster.

I would love some other perspectives on this, as I can't see the wood for the trees right now!

For background: My first DH cheated on me, throughout our 20 year relationship. Several women. I didn't know until the end and realised then, that he had gaslighted me the whole time.

This has resulted in me having huge trust issues with my subsequent relationships. The man I dated after ExH, got me pregnant and whilst pregnant I found out that he was also cheating on me. That pregnancy did not last and when I was losing the baby he was out on the town with OW.

Anyway, whilst that's all in the past, and I do trust my 2nd DH, I do sometimes have wobbles with trust. I try to keep this in check, but I do realise that I am somewhat "damaged" by these past relationships.

DH has his works Christmas "do" tonight at a gorgeous castle, some 2 hours away. There are 6 people going. 2 women (both single and very pretty) and 4 men. Given the distance, they all have rooms booked for the night. They travelled up today and were going to spend the afternoon together in the spa, sauna, jacuzzi, pool and having drinks, before the evening meal and disco. They will all get very, very drunk.

How would you feel about this? I feel a bit uncomfortable and wonder if yet again, it's my damaged side coming out!!

OP posts:
Original poster
brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 21:11

Yep. You are right. I think I am going to turn off now, listen to You Tube and get royally pissed. I'm so fed up of worrying about men.

OP posts:
Lilacpink40 · 09/12/2016 21:12

Brown the elephant in the room is your need for more action vs. his low drive.

Having got out of a long fairly sexless marriage a year ago and having had boyfriends with a high sex drive I know I wouldn't want to go back to that frustration again.

Knowing he can enjoy being partially clothed with other women, while you'd like him to be passionate with you, I imagine is frustrating.

Original poster
brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 21:13

Not turn off this thread, just turn off emotionally....

OP posts:
Original poster
brownhairedlass · 09/12/2016 21:15

lilac it's doing my fucking head in! I am now resorting to watching porn and sorting myself out, when all I want is a good fucking shag. FFS.

OP posts:
Sara107 · 09/12/2016 21:24

Agree with everyone saying this is a weird work do. Who wants to get into their swimming togs in front of their work colleagues (apart from the one who looks like Heidi Klum maybe)?. And they're paying for themselves? A few years ago my dh had his work do at a fancy hotel / spa. Dinner / disco overnight and spa the next day. But partners were invited. He didn't go because we weren't allowed to take dD and I had no one to leave her with for a weekend.

Lilacpink40 · 09/12/2016 21:25

Brown you have my full sympathies. I pretty much switched my sex drive off during dull marriage, has been fun to re-discover passion and I wouldn't like it held back again.

It's fine for him to have a low drive, but he should consider your needs and as a compromise try and help you out. I'd think the same if it was the other way around so not being sexist. If you can't compromise and are very different then you need to decide if helping yourself out in the long term is ok.

I know I may get very slated for what I've just said, but just sharing my thoughts.

roastednut · 09/12/2016 21:29

Hmm this makes more sense the more you post - at first I thought god this is weird but actually if it's a nice hotel with facilities then I'd probably want to use them if I'd forked out for it. We are picturing them all in the jacuzzi sipping drinks and it being all sexy but the reality might be a few lengths in the pool (I'm naively going to assume that all police are into fitness) and a relax but absolutely nothing untoward. And the booze / partying all happens later on with everyone else i.e. Standard Xmas do stuff.

AnnieAnoniMouse · 09/12/2016 21:30

Why did they need to go somewhere two hours away for 'dinner & disco'?

Using the Spa facilities when you're staying in a lovely castle makes sense. Six of you going away to a castle for 'works dinner & disco' does not - not unless you're all hoping to shag around a bit. When I was younger I worked in an office and us 'young singles' organised loads of things like this, but it was in our own time - not the 'office Christmas party'. . I really don't think it's appropriate in the circumstances.

I wouldn't be at all happy, so you can your DH that!

Anyway, this situation aside, I'm concerned for you. Your 'D'H doesn't sound very nice, I think you have ended up with another man who is gaslighting you and making you more insecure. There's no way on earth that a genuinely nice man would think or say that you're the only woman who would have an issue with this.

What was the actual incident that caused the row the other day?

dontcallmethatyoucunt · 09/12/2016 21:34

That's a lot of effort for a works do. Isn't there a pizza express locally?

Oblomov16 · 09/12/2016 21:36

Wouldn't bother me. But suppose the spa but does expose more flesh than normal 'dinner and dancing' does.

Pallisers · 09/12/2016 22:27

He said thanks under his breath

I'd have swiped the box of prosecco back again.

changeymcchangeface · 09/12/2016 22:30

I would find this Xmas do weird and I've never been cheated on (not being smug, I've had plenty of other shit boyfriends, but just no cheats AFAIK).

My DP travels a lot with work and it does bother me when he's away having dinner and nights out with someone who is so beautiful & charming that she receives marriage proposals from people while working the trade stand and has men "mesmerised".

I would like to say that I trust him not to cheat, but unfortunately I am realistic enough to realise that ANYONE can cheat in the right/wrong circumstances, especially when alcohol is involved. I've done it myself. Blush

So I'm glad you trust your DH but I certainly don't blame you for being uncomfortable about this and his insistence that other women would be fine with it is bollocks.

Haggisfish · 09/12/2016 22:55

The more I think about this the more odd I find it actually! Hope it works out op.

jeaux90 · 09/12/2016 23:00

I'd be fine with it but then it all comes down to the boundaries and trust in your relationship. As I said earlier this is not an unusual situation for me work wise at all. Been in Vegas with colleagues round the pool and used spa facilities with them when travelling. It's a quick swim and a chill then dinner usually. No idea why people have an issue with it at all.

AnyFucker · 09/12/2016 23:57

Did you really need to tell us you were watching porn and masturbating?

FFS, this thread is weird

Pallisers · 10/12/2016 00:03

*Did you really need to tell us you were watching porn and masturbating?

FFS, this thread is weird*

Just saw that. Agree.

jeaux90 · 10/12/2016 00:38

Must have missed that Confused

AnyFucker · 10/12/2016 00:40

21:15

tiej · 10/12/2016 09:02

I was hoping she meant in general, rather than multitasking at that particular moment.

Pidlan · 10/12/2016 09:28

What's wrong with that AnyFucker? It's relevant to the situation she's explaining here so why shouldn't she tell us?

tiej · 10/12/2016 10:08

It's just an image you could do without, a bit like when someone tells you they're sitting on the loo when you've been chatting on the phone for ten minutes.

AnyFucker · 10/12/2016 10:08

People who tell others about their self lovin' activities tend to 1) have been misdirected from some other kind of internet activity or 2) hairy handed

Of course, if you want to read about how she is masturbating, you could pm her for more details ?

pnutter · 10/12/2016 10:09

Yeah , that was a curveball. Believable just, til that point.

jeaux90 · 10/12/2016 10:31

Reference to sorting yourself is fine it was the sharing that she was going to which I found a bit Confused

tiej · 10/12/2016 10:36

A few drinks on board I think, not the end of the world.

You alright this morning OP?

Swipe left for the next trending thread