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Original poster

My partner spent all our savings

377 replies

user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 18:44

My fiancé is terrible with money. He had debts when I met him which he paid off a few years ago when he received some inheritance and I thought that would be the end of it. The rest of the inheritance bought a few luxury items, new car, some of it squandered but hey, it was his money, I couldn't really begrudge a bit of guilt free spending. We agreed to put £10,000 of it into savings to start our mortgage deposit fund. However, a few weeks ago he admitted to me that he has now spent most of the mortgage savings. He couldn't even tell me what on, it's just been pissed up the wall over the last 6 months. I've put my sensible head on and taken control of the finances now as he cannot be trusted. He's agreed that's fine as he has a problem. But I'm still so angry about it!! I'm not working at the moment (I'm at home with baby) so we have no spare money to even begin to make those savings back up. So it will be up to me to save that money myself when I return to work. Which I guess is fine, it will be my house too, I should chip in. But I'm the one now having to bail him out. I've been scrimping and saving my £40 a week housekeeping for our honeymoon fund and had to use it to pay off a payday loan he had outstanding. How would you feel about being in this situation? Would it be make or break? I love him and can't fault him as a father or partner (bar the money issues!!) so have no intention of leaving him. But anyway, what are you opinions? Sorry for long post.

OP posts:
stumblymonkey · 09/12/2016 21:29

TBH....I can easily spend £10K in a few months and I don't gamble, drink or have any other unsavoury habits apart from being a spendthrift so I wouldn't necessarily jump to the conclusions that PP have.

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 21:29

My parents are aware of this. They don't think it's a huge deal. Their attitude is well you are a couple, you sort these things out together. Which on the surface is kind of true but the long term consequences of his spending, and previous debts have a huge impact on me and my kids future. And will I ever be able to trust him with money again? He's like oh well I never missed any payments on the payday loan so it has improved my credit score to show I paid on time but that's bullshit, that's going to show up on his credit report for the next 6 years and no mortgage lender would approve us with that on it. So he's set us back 6 years just for having that. And if I hadn't paid it off for him, it would have set us back when longer. By this rate my eldest will have moved out by the time we get a mortgage!! (Eldest is 7 atm)

OP posts:
Justmuddlingalong · 09/12/2016 21:34

My parents are aware of this. They don't think it's a huge deal. ShockShock Christ on a bike, you all sound as bad as each other!

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 09/12/2016 21:45

Really OP? That is quite beyond comprehension. How exactly - if they know the extent of the debt - do they think you can possibly 'sort it out as a couple'?

I agree with Justmuddlingalong and I really hope that somebody competent has a 'Plan B' for when the proverbial hits the fan. Confused

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 21:45

Yep. We are all sunshine and lollipops! But I'm starting to see how bad this actually is. He managed to talk his way out of it and convince me all would be fine. But it isn't is it?

OP posts:
goadyfuckersgetmygoat · 09/12/2016 21:48

Sorry, I just had to laugh. Every post just left me with a raised eyebrow.
For the fact that you have stayed this long, I truly believe the op, is not going anywhere. People cannot be this daft.

If you want your own home, you have to prioritise. Spending it all on holiday when you want to buy a house won't help. Your way of thinking is not of someone who wants to buy a house.

You as person and your partner think in the similar manor. You have a child but cars, holidays and petty things are more important.

Justmuddlingalong · 09/12/2016 21:49

Don't let him hear that penny dropping, OP, the fucker'll spend it!

NiceFalafels · 09/12/2016 21:50

He frittered 10k in 6 months and doesn't know how!!! He must waste cash to the extreme!!

stumblymonkey · 09/12/2016 21:50

Personally I'm on the same wavelength as Spindelina....I'm a massive spendthrift. I've probably spent about £1.5k in the last week on various things I want and don't need.

I managed to burn through £30k of redundancy pay this year when we don't have a house deposit.

I've set up a joint account with DP now and will be getting him to give me an allowance as that's the only way I'll save money. I see this as a personal flaw that DP will be helping me with (and I help him with things in return).

IF he's genuinely willing to work at this then I don't think this HAS to be a deal breaker. So the question is, is he?

It's not for you to do all the work for him....

AttilaTheMeerkat · 09/12/2016 21:51

No it is not fine and he has been in debt for many years now. His attitude to money is frightening to say the very least.

If you are fool enough to marry him you will be in for a whole new world of pain and misery. You need to fully extricate yourself from this relationship before he drags you down even further than you already are by mere association.

NiceFalafels · 09/12/2016 21:52

I think you should write a list of all the key issues/problems.

  1. lies and deceit

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 21:52

The holiday was a cheap groupon for £120. He decided to make it last an entire week by driving there and sleeping in the car. I don't have money to burn. I save mine very carefully and while I was working (and knew mat leave was looming) started saving for the honeymoon and bits for the baby. I've saved all my money and don't touch my savings. He's the one spending all his. I say his, that was supposed to be ours.

OP posts:
SheldonCRules · 09/12/2016 21:52

Of course OP won't go anywhere, he's paying for her not to work and also for a child that's not his. On top of this, her parents are still funding her choices.

Both have a very unrealistic idea of adult life and responsibilities.

tribpot · 09/12/2016 21:52

convince me all would be fine

It's all going to be fine for him. He's laughing all the way to someone else's bank.

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 21:54

Who said he baby isn't his? The kids are his

OP posts:
fourquenelles · 09/12/2016 22:01

Oh my love I married one of these. He was, irony of ironies, a Financial Adviser but it was only after I married him that I realised just how selfish and useless with money he was. I was a high earner but I had to commute by coach as I couldn't afford the rail fares due to bailing him out. I had £10 a week to spend on food for 3 of us (my DD was not his). He never looked for leads or did any research just relied on selling policies to my and his family.
He resented me trying to curb his spending of the family money. He got petulant and sulky. He forged my signature on mortgage documents and hide my bank statements so I thought someone at the bank was dipping into our account (how niave was I). The straw that broke my back was him getting another credit card despite looking me straight in the eye and saying he hadn't.
I divorced him and made sure that he didn't get his mitts on my pension. He found another woman to sponge off quite quickly.
My mother loved him btw "He is the son I never had" and took his side so it's taken years to get anything like a normal relationship back with her.
Don't marry him, you will end up being his banker/mum and there will be resentment on both sides.

expatinscotland · 09/12/2016 22:02

Oh, dear god, you had more than one with him?

Look, you are as bad as each other.

He's a liar and a good one. Manages to twist it all round. The fact is he lies and lies and all he will do is continue to do this.

You jacked in work for a person who has proven himself a liar and a spendthrift.

The best you can do is damage control. For yourself and your kids. Not including him.

Rainbowqueeen · 09/12/2016 22:04

Your parents sound like they have a vested interest in that they don't want to lose any money they gave paid out towards the wedding and don't want to lose face by you breaking off the engagement.

Read up about sunken costs fallacy to see that way of thinking is the wrong way.

If you really want to give it a go I would suggest that you sit down with your partner for a discussion about finances. Ask him what his financial goals are and how he thinks you can achieve them. Ask him what he thinks he should be doing moving forward and what you should be doing.

Listen very carefully to what he says. Write it down. Then review it. Does it tally with what you want? Is it realistic? Is it all about him?

If not, then you can't have a happy future together. You can choose to stay with him but you will be miserable and most likely poor.

expatinscotland · 09/12/2016 22:06

And as hard as it is to give you on your fantasy of wedding, honeymoon, own house, and being SAHM and all you have to do is police him a bit, the reality is going to be shit credit, not being able to rent a place (LOL at saving enough for deposit or qualifying for a mortgage) because your credit is so shit, not being able to get a job because you haven't been in work for so long so therefore not able to get some extra money to keep you all afloat, bailiffs, high court enforcement officers and bankruptcy.

You're probably not listening, though, because it's easier to believe the lies and fantasies.

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 22:09

He's buried his head in the sand for so long about all of this and he's way too optimistic about the future. He thinks now that he's unburdened himself and I'm helping him manage his money better that everything will be hunky dory. But it's not as simple as that. The damage has been done. He has convinced himself everything will work out and it will be fine in a couple of years and we can apply for a mortgage then. He's in denial or lying to himself or I don't know. Maybe he's just saying it to convince me. But I'm not convinced

OP posts:
Spindelina · 09/12/2016 22:13

Has he acknowledged that's he's been dishonest and disrespectful? Those are bigger problems that being a spendthrift.

expatinscotland · 09/12/2016 22:13

He's been lying so long he now believes his own lies. This man has serious issues with money. He has horrid credit as a result. And at 32, he's still continuing on this path and has completely exonerated himself of all responsibility for it by passing it on to you. And that will be fine, until he finds he's unable to blow money on whatever it is - and don't fool yourself it's 'just' Ebay. Then he'll do what he always does and has done and lied to you about: get payday loans, blow savings/money without telling you, and other things - get a credit card without your knowing, etc.

Of course he's trying to convince you! He truly believes there's nothing wrong with what he's doing.

Which is mind blowing.

The bottom line is you cannot trust him because he lies and lies and lies.

ClopySow · 09/12/2016 22:18

I had 2 children to a man like this. We'd have a tenner left to last a week and he'd go down to the shop to get himself some lunch despite their being a fridge full of food because he just wanted something else, no thought for the impact on the rest of us, that we might need nappies or milk for the babies, just utter short sighted self centredness. If i called him on it, i was controlling. Or i was deliberately trying to humiliate him. I had to be the grown up and pay the bills because of this weird arrogance and sense of entitlement he had. It wasn't his fault he owed money, it was the bastards who charged him for stuff he should just get because he wanted it. He had debts when i got together with him and 16 years later his attitude hasn't changed. He left me with thousands of pounds of debt.

I've been solely responsible for the cost of our children. He's gone on to have another family and his current partner is in the same position i was.

For fuck sakes, don't marry him. Selfish, arrogant, entitled prick that he is.

ClopySow · 09/12/2016 22:20

Phew. Sorry. Projecting.

But you get what I'm saying.

Original poster
user1481292639 · 09/12/2016 22:25

He has acknowledged that he's been dishonest about it and he feels terrible about it (allegedly). He's accepted all the things I suggested with no arguments. All his bank statements, taking his debit card off him, keeping tabs on his online banking. Which at the time I thought was a good thing. But actually he willingly said yes to all that so I could bail him out, not cos he was sorry for what he had done

OP posts:
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