Interfering mil

[mum19821985]

I am going to kill mil tonight! Mil came over today to look after the kids while hubby and I went shopping. I came home and a few minutes after she left I noticed our windowsill looked suspiciously clean and tidy. It's normally covered in paperwork/letters etc. There was a small pile of papers but nothing else. I am going on a spa day so which I was telling mil about this morning. The vouchers and booklet was amongst the paperwork. I looked through it all finding nothing. Looked through all the bins, all through the house, eventually finding the voucher in the kitchen bin underneath loads of food!! I am furious! Voucher was a birthday present off a friend (not cheap) and you can't go without it. I think it was so out of order for her to go through all my stuff like that. Other bits of papers/booklets/leaflets were also in the bin. I wouldn't dream of going into someone's house and chucking away their stuff. Even if it looks like junk!

What you do is go round to hers and right infront of her face start rummaging through drawers and cupboards then when you discover a pile of important paperwork grab a pile and shove it in the bin glaring into her eyes the whole time , then when she says what the hell are you doing say see you dont like it do you , im doing exactly what you do in MY home so dont ever touch my private papers again ! Ive had similar issues for years , unless you really put your foot down they will take advantage and walk all over you , i cant leave fil in a room alone hes like a nosy fucking vulture so rude he makes me sick , i leave booby traps now so i know , i will deliberately leave a bank statement and for example put a yellow envelope on top , it gets moved every single time nosy bastard i say to his face if you want to know my bank balance ask me dont snoop of course he denies it

Thank god you found it! It sounds like you need to be clear with your MIL about boundaries- having come to do you a favour, she probably saw the tidying up as an extension of the favour - I really doubt she'd have meant it with malice.

holeinmyheart just so you know, it is never appropriate to turn up at other people's homes unannounced - you should always phone first, family or not. And it is entirely appropriate for a DS & DIL to "ration time" with their children to ensure that everyone else gets to have time with them too. It doesn't mean they love you any less, or view you as second class. It just means they want to put appropriate boundaries in place.

I'm a MIL and I'm aghast at some of the horrible things being said about DILs!

My DIL is fabulous. DS manages the relationship between us (when I visit etc) with due consideration for his nuclear family's needs, as he should. No, of course it's not a crime to love your son deeply. But why would it drive you to play tricks on his wife, or power games, or overstep boundaries in his house? Aren't you proud of producing an adult human being who can make his own mind up, pick a life partner, have children with her and run their household together? I adore DS1 but I don't own him. DIL doesn't own him either, as such, but she spends more time with him because that's how it works when your children grow up. Doesn't it? Shouldn't it?

I absolutely can't imagine DIL crying on purpose to get her own way, and certainly not resenting her husband's closeness to his mum. She's close to her own so she understands. I suspect that some of the stuff DS does, like taking me out for mother's day, is at her instigation, actually. I never "did" mother's day but it appears DIL's family do, so I am now reaping the benefit of their civilised ways. I appreciate not everyone is so lucky when their sons take a life partner, but you know, it does behove the older generation with their greater life experience etc to make the effort to get along. It's not up to the DIL to make it up to the MIL for "stealing" her boy.

angleshades your advice to the post is spot on.
I recognise the remarks I made are inflammatory. All of my sons do housework and help with the DCs. However when I see my SIL, get up at the crack of dawn, iron a shirt, entertain his DCs, travel to London, perform a very hard job, come home exhausted and then there is no food prepared by a SAHM, one of my DDs by the way, I do think WOW.
I returned to work in a very hard Profession and I still think being a SAHM was easier (IMO) .
Are you suggesting that women don't have wiles? I have seen my SILs, knowing that their DC has a stinky nappy, steer them in the direction of their Mother, I have seen my DDs and DILs say ' go and see what Daddy is doing' when they are texting their friends.
If you or anyone else in Mumsnet has never used their femininity in any way, then here is a halo. I am just not that perfect. I am full of issues and recognise that I could probably do with Freud, accompanied by his sofa. Lol

Have a lovely day at the spa. I would not ask her for help again and try to avoid having her alone in your house if possible as she has form for this behaviour and your husband is no use in sticking up for you. Also you could get your mum to come round and treat your husband's belongings in the same way but it sounds as though it might go over his head.

annie Well, I am glad you are so fond of your DIL. However the relationship between DILs and MILs is so well documented as being difficult FOR SOME. Learned academics have published papers on the subject and written boooks about it. You are not denying it are you anniegetyourgun
If you go on Gransnet and see the devastation caused by DILs preventing the GPs and GPILs from seeing their GC it demonstrates that there is a problem. And there is almost always a post on Mumsnet.
Thankfully, the problem is not experienced in all families, and luckily not in mine or yours. I am spending Christmas with mine and looking forward to seeing them.
I am glad your DIL doesn't use crying to get her own way, but she is hardly going to tell you, even if she does, is she? No one knows exactly what goes on behind closed doors. Witness my SILs sister, her rat, sat her down last week after 36 years of marriage and told her he was leaving her( OW) and was gone in 15mins. I thought their marriage was rock solid and he was lovely. ( revised my opinion now)
Unfortunately, not all of us posting on Mumsnet are well balanced, rational people without any issues who had parents who were also the same. My Father was bonkers.

I cannot visit them without a phone call first

It's totally reasonable to call before visiting anyone. Family, friends, anyone. Some families are of the call round any time Ilk but that has to be mutual.

I would find it incredibly stressful to have people just drop by. Perhaps if your relationship with your dil isn't great you need to take an honest look at the way you interact with her? The fact they think you need to call and you resent it suggests that your boundaries and theirs are not aligned. Respectfully, taking an honest look at this could result in happier relations for you all.
I'm pretty sure most dil's want a good relationship with the in laws. But everyone has to respect each other and each other's boundaries.

Well I usually phone my DDs, but I ALWAYS phone my DILs ahead of visiting. I don't always phone my best friends either.
When I was going to become a MIL, having witnessed the distress of a friend who wasn't allowed to meet her first GC by her DIL, I wanted to make sure that I was the best MIL I could be.
If you Google, DIL problems or MIL problems , you get a raft of stuff to digest. I took my role very seriously as I didn't want to fall out with them.

I don't touch anything belonging to them, I always preface everything with ' what do you think? Would it be Ok if I ? etc.

I don't hold my tongue particularly my with my DDs as they can tell me straight. I get 'Mother' etc, and that's the difference between the relationships.

Holeinmyheart you sound like a lovely mil. Can I have you instead? Ha ha. I wish my mil would tell us when she's coming. She has let herself in before while I was alone n oldest at school. Good job I wasn't walking around naked or hubby and I weren't ummm...busy lol

Well I don't mind anyone visiting me, ad hoc, especially if I don't see them very often and they were passing and decided to visit us on the off chance we are in. We live in a isolated place and the phones don't always work. I actually love unexpected visitors. Especially ones bearing Merlot or Prosecco. .

I have learned to be a bit more relaxed. When I was young I would have have freaked a bit, but now I care more about my friends than the state of my house.
If they have just come to see me, to judge the state of the plumpness of my cushions, then they can bugger off.
I hope no one comes just at the moment though, as I am still in my PJs. I am up, but slobbing happily about. However, they would get a warm welcome.

As wrong as it would be, I would be half tempted to play MIL at her own game just to see what she said .What a dreadful shame it is that the voucher you got her for Christmas was in that pile of paperwork , and now it's nowhere to be seen. No money to replace it , and you feel so awful. Still the children have made her some Christmas decorations and you know that will mean more as she is so fond of decorations.

Haha that's a brilliant idea😂

It is hard though, watching your beloved sons being bossed about, sometimes being criticised in front of you, running around after a SAHM when he has worked long hours etc etc.
Crying when they don't get their own way.....we know the wiles of women because we are women FFS

Bloody hell. I've heard it all now.

Well my mil is not like other mils. She is very controlling, narsassistic and is a compulsive liar. While out with mil, hubby and I stand next to her while she tells massive whopping lies to strangers about where she lives, where she is from or what job she does. Hubby finds it all hysterical. We walk away and leave her to it!

Aw, thanks mum I think you are a decent person as well for trying to get on with your MIL. . She should really mind her own business, as coming to your house and tidying up your stuff, feels like a critism of you?
My DH never took my side until his Mum had the beginnings of dementia and one day accused me of stealing her scissors. She never criticised me in front of him before, so he had never seen it.

Looking back( hindsight being a good thing) I shouldn't have stressed so much about her and her feelings about me when I was young, as she didn't really figure much in my life. We didn't live near her and she never babysat. I wish I had had had the confidence to speak to her assertively ( I wouldn't have wanted to go NC because she was a good Mother to my DH and I would have thought it was wrong to make him choose between us)

I love him very much and some of his good qualities, honesty, good looks, reliability etc, have come from her after all.
I had better stop now as I am going to a birthday party this afternoon and I should clean up our bedroom and the kitchen a bit.

The party starts at 5. A bit odd for a 60th and on a Sunday. I have got a lovely dress, killer heels and a new bling necklace to wear. I feel excited and intend to enjoy myself. The Christmas season plays havoc with my noteatingtoomuchbecauseidontwanttobuythenextsizeupclothesasihavelotsofclothesicantgetintoalready
You see, MILs can be fun. They are just the same as Mumnetters except more wrinkled. Give your MIL some slack, but stick up for yourself. Have courage !

Thanks! I am going to say something in person tomorrow. I want to say it in an assertive but not aggressive way. I feel I must say something though

Olivia I can't believe you haven't heard it all before....but hang on, your grown up sons are not married and you are not a MIL...that's why you haven't heared it all before LOl. Please correct me if the assumptions about you are incorrect.
If Mumsnetters posted on here without any personal experience of what they are posting about, how seriously would you take their advice?

Interview a few MILs and you will realise that they have heard it all before. Almost all my friends are MILs. They are hurt and complain about their DILs all the time. My young friends also complain about their MILs.
I AM being even handed in my posts as the behaviour of MILs can be also be equally outrageous. We are humans after all.

Hole, I feel you do make fair points, if in a way that is rather controversial on here, as do Annie and Naiceham.

At 50 and with my three DDs almost grown up now (aged 21, 18 and 14) I know that becoming a MIL myself might suddenly now be a lot closer than I (until recently) chose to acknowledge.

I resolve to try and be reasonable and certainly will never go around their homes and bin stuff. I can see how that causes vitriol on here, and it is understandable, even if the MIL concerned probably meant no harm, may just have been thoughtless etc.

MILs do get a bashing on here, some of it justified and some more questionable. As do some FILs,

Of course she was wrong to bin the papers. It wasn't her call to make and she does need reminded of that. It doesn't necessarily mean that she is a bad person, a cow, total bitch or should be no contact though.

Yea Mum go for it. But don't be surprised if you get nowhere as your MIL sounds bonkers and defensive.
The best state to be in is indifference to her. Even if you start with a compliment ( if you can find something nice to say), from what you say she is not going to listen.
If she starts crying, you need to keep going. Say, I am sorry to upset you but it upsets me that you feel the need to come to our ( don't say my house) and tidy up. Keep to 'I' at all times.
Best of luck and keep us posted about what happens.
You are not spending Christmas with her are you? Presumably she loves your children?

tops Three DDs how wonderful.

I am a MIL.
Whatever goes on between DIL and DS is absolutely nothing to do with me.
I do not regret that my son is now grown up and no longer my child.
I am proud of him, his wife, and children.
I have a life of my own.

She's here! 😯

Thanks Hole.

OP, good luck. All you can do is try. I think it is often best to step back and calm down a while before responding properly.

Perhaps make and print a large colourful notice out to put on top of your papers saying DO NOT MOVE THESE.

What do you mean OP has she just turned up?! Your MIL sounds like mean- treats my home like its hers she has even started leaving some clothes here it's nuts!

Thanks! I am going to say something in person tomorrow. I want to say it in an assertive but not aggressive way. I feel I must say something though

How's about 'time you returned the keys MIL'