Interfering mil

[mum19821985]

I am going to kill mil tonight! Mil came over today to look after the kids while hubby and I went shopping. I came home and a few minutes after she left I noticed our windowsill looked suspiciously clean and tidy. It's normally covered in paperwork/letters etc. There was a small pile of papers but nothing else. I am going on a spa day so which I was telling mil about this morning. The vouchers and booklet was amongst the paperwork. I looked through it all finding nothing. Looked through all the bins, all through the house, eventually finding the voucher in the kitchen bin underneath loads of food!! I am furious! Voucher was a birthday present off a friend (not cheap) and you can't go without it. I think it was so out of order for her to go through all my stuff like that. Other bits of papers/booklets/leaflets were also in the bin. I wouldn't dream of going into someone's house and chucking away their stuff. Even if it looks like junk!

I help my daughter sometimes when I am at her house minding the kids, I fold washing, wash up, Hoover etc. What I don't do is snoop through papers or drawers. I leave any clean, folded washing on the stairs for her to take up. If any papers are left out I leave them where they are, untouched.
You will never know if what she did was deliberate or not. However I think she oversteps boundaries and needs to be reminded of where the boundaries are. She could have just moved the papers to one side or put them on another surface if she just wanted to put Decs up (she shouldn't have taken it upon herself to do this either) but she didn't just move them, she went through them and decided it was rubbish and chucked it in the bin.

Text again saying after looking for the voucher you found it in the bin and add 'We would appreciate it if you didn't dispose of any of our papers in future. Very relieved that I found the voucher but might not be so lucky if there's a next time.'

Thanks all. I don't think it was deliberate (hope not anyway!). Voucher was folded in half on a white piece of paper. Looks like she binned it with some random brochures etc. Not her place though and I wouldn't dream of chucking anything away in her house. When she's over next I'll mention that I found the voucher and say it looks like it was binned accidentally. I'll say I'm relieved to have found it as it was so expensive. She's very touchy, can't take criticism but I need to say something

She's very touchy, can't take criticism

Why doesn't that surprise me?! It's how people like her get away with shit like this..................

Hopefully if you call her on it she will refrain on "tidying" in your house in future. Please tell me she doesn't have a key?

I'd still take back control without confrontation, get that lockable box/file./hide them under the mattress.

Well done post that you are not calling your MIL a ' Cow' like some repliers have. MILs get a horrible time on MNet. I would have been doing the same when I was young, before I became one.
Loving your sons deeply shouldn't be regarded as a crime. I know your MIL has messed up, but if she was a friend you would maybe be more forgiving, As we all mess up and have issues.
Believe me, it is not an easy relationship between a DIL and MIL. It a well documented relationship and there is lots on the web about how fraught it is.
My family is definitely second best to theirs. I cannot visit them without a phone call first and they have the power to ration our family time with my sons. I have to accept this situation and I do because I have daughters and so our family come first.
Before I get flamed or DILs start posting how wonderfully they get on with their MILs, there isn't one of my friends who are MILs who say that it is an easy going relationship. Not ONE.
I get on with my DILs because I try to watch what I say and always check that I am obeying their rules and respecting their opinion.
It is hard though, watching your beloved sons being bossed about, sometimes being criticised in front of you, ( imagine loving someone deeply and then your DIL moans about them to you !!!! when I am their DH biggest fan, it hurts) running around after a SAHM when he has worked long hours etc etc.
Crying when they don't get their own way.....we know the wiles of women because we are women FFS.
When you say your MIL is prickly and doesn't respond to critism very well, do you think that probably describes most of us?
You sound like a decent rational person, try and be as kind as possible and give your MIL the benefit of the doubt. That is what you would want for you. She was trying to help and messed up.
X

She replied saying that she had just moved my paperwork to one side and denied doing anything else.

'Oh gosh MIL, you must have been busy elsewhere as someone has come into the house, folded the voucher up carefully in some brochures and put it in the bin. Perhaps we need to relook at you being here on your own if you cannot secure the house from phantom refuse collectors'.

What happychristmasbum wrote above

I would also think her actions were deliberate also. She could have left all of that stuff where it is; it was not hers to .

If you went into her house and at all tidied it she would not be at all pleased. You also now need to urgently raise your own too low boundaries with regards to his mother.

holeinmyheart you sound like a nightmare MIL.

pinkyredrose usually on MNet someone posts with a problem and then the good Mnetters try to help by offering an opinion/solution.. What's the point of you making a personal critism of me ? Is that helping the post?
You are also making assumptions about me by saying that I am a nightmare MIL. So here are my assumptions about you. You are not a MIL for a start and yes you can offer an opinion about a situation if you have never experienced it , BUT if you have, it does give you a unique advantage. Surely you must admit that as you age you learn things, because you experiece them?
I have been a DIL and a SIL a mother to several DCs and I am a MIL.and a GM.
I went on holiday with one DIL in the Summer at her invitation, and have been shopping with another recently at her invitation. They have all asked me to move to live near them. I don't feel I am a nightmare otherwise why would my DILs behave towards me as they do? I am very respectful of them and I like them. I don't like them criticising my sons to me, but who would. I love my sons and even though I know perfectly well they are typical men and possibly don't wipe their feet etc, I still don't like them being criticised to me. I am their Mother FFS. I would die for them.
One DIL told me recently that if and when she has a baby that I must come and help her, in preference to her own Mother. So explain yourself. I don't think I wrote anything contentious. If you Google DIL /MIL relationship it throws up all sorts of information. It does usually state that it comes with difficulties. There are loads of these MIL/DIL problems posted on MNet.
I don't think the MIL was right to move to touch her DIL stuff at all. But now what is going to happen depends on how the post handles it. She can go in with all guns blazing or not. Let's hear what you think pinkredrose

Holeinmyheart 'The wiles of women'??? What a fucking misogynistic thing to say.

If you're a manipulative individual who cries to get her own way, please don't assume every other woman does. I never have because I'm a grown-up who treats others as I expect in return.

Not surprised you have a tense relationship with your DIL.

Jeez holeinmyheart I take it back, you're not a nightmare not that I ever said you were, I just said you sounded like one.

Your posts are dripping in misogynistic views though.

Why can't you bear to hear any criticism of your beloved sons? Do you only want to hear good things about them? Surely if your DILs are close enough to you to confide in you then maybe you could help them with some advice rather than feeling hurt that your precious sons aren't angels.

Well that's as maybe shazza and pink but what is your opinion of the OPs dilemma?

The OP's 'dilemma' is that she has someone who thinks it is her place to riffle through items that don't belong to her and decide what is important and what is rubbish.

That is an incredibly inappropriate thing to do to anyone regardless of whether they are family or not. Rearranging someone's furniture without asking, moving their paperwork and binning things without being asked - it is spectacularly rude and suggests a complete disregard for boundaries and manners.

but she didn't just 'shift' the papers to one side.....she threw some in the bin!

And then lied about it when asked outright.
A normal/honest response would be along the lines of "oops, sorry. i threw some in the bin as i thought it was junk mail!"

She's being passive aggressive with you OP and then outright lying to you, but you're not seeing the wood for the trees.

MIL was wrong but I don't doubt she meant well. She also should have just admitted tossing what she thought was junk.
However, I think the posts of holeinmyheart pretty much explains the feelings of a MIL. it's a no win situation where DIL often holds the cards.
Of course this is not always the but generally speaking a MIL can feel at the mercy of the DIL.

• not always the case.....

However, I think the posts of holeinmyheart pretty much explains the feelings of a MIL. it's a no win situation where DIL often holds the cards.
Of course this is not always the but generally speaking a MIL can feel at the mercy of the DIL.

The men do have agency, you know!

It's the lying that would piss me off.

Holeinmyheart: my sister sent one of her sons off with a flea in ear when he turned up at her house with a suitcase, expecting to move back in after an argument with his wife. My sister listened to what he had to say, went over to hear her DIL's version of events, sis then told my nephew to grow up and go and actually listen to what his wife had to say and to work it out. He did and nephew and his wife are very happy together.

running around after a SAHM when he has worked long hours etc etc.
Crying when they don't get their own way.....we know the wiles of women because we are women FFS

Quite an inflammatory comment in my opinion. SAHM's do not have an easy time and also work long hours, it doesn't stop for them. There isn't a lot of set time so why shouldn't the dh/dp help out when he gets home from work?

My exmil would also do what she saw as 'tidying up' while me and my exdp were on holiday and papers etc would get moved around or lost. I know she was only trying to help but it felt incredibly intrusive when she wasn't asked. I should have set firmer boundaries with her instead of trying to please my then dp and say nothing so as not to cause an argument.

I think the gist of it boils down to better communication between mil's and dil's. If you explain clearly (careful wording needed here) to mil that you'd rather she didn't tidy anything in your house and make it clear, she then has a clear boundary and has some explaining to do next time she crosses that boundary. Don't wait for your dh to tell her as he feels caught in the middle and will try to please both of you rather than solve the problem.

Rest time not set time.

OMG LadyB49 you are going to get flamed for your defence of my comments, ( sighs) Were you awake worrying about something?
A lot ( note I say lot, not ALL) of the women on Mumsnet are young or youngish ( the clue is in the name) so their experience runs to their experience of their present condition. Usually any defence or even mild comments about some behaviour by MILs is met by calling the MIL really foul names like Cow or Bitch or personally insulting the replier.

By the time they get to be a MIL themselves and experience what the role feels like, me and thee will be pushing daisies up and they will be posting on MNet , what we are posting now.
Of course what the MIL did was wrong and I wouldn't have done that, but is it worth killing someone over?
I feel like killing my MIL because she binned a voucher? It might be possibly more accurate to say I feel like killing my MIL because she loves my DH deeply and he won't take my side against her and deny he loves her more than me and I feel jealous and threatened by her. At least the OP sounds a decent person and hasn't called her MIL a bitch. I hope her DCs are not all sons,
I can understand that feeling because my MIL ( think Hall and servants upbringing) was pretty mean to me. She told me that I wasn't good enough. Lol, She was also jealous of me, I realise now, but that has come with experience.
I wish I had been able to have more understanding of her and her sense of what? Loss, jealousy ?
Yes, you have to move on and be glad that your sons have found good women to be happy with but it it is tinged with a bit of sadness as another woman replaces you as the most important female in their life.
Before I get flamed and told to grow up ( by the perfect people) and your sons should be let go, etc etc, I DO accept the status quo, and I can honestly say I am glad for them because my overwhelming feeling, and the main feeling for them is ' I want them to be happy' The feeling of wanting to protect your children from harm never goes away though. My DILs are really great and suit my gorgeous boys and I am not jealous of them, ( except their smooth skin. )
And I have forgiven my MIL for her behaviour now. My life has been a lot easier than hers.
The solution for the Post is to be straight with her MIL and tell her the truth as she perceives it, of course, in a non aggresive way. Otherwise just tell her to F off. That should start WW3

The MIL on this thread HAS behaved badly and should have been honest but she probably didn't see the folded up voucher ? Friends do horrendous things and get forgiven. But on Mumsnet, any misdemeanour by a MIL, however large or small is treated very often as first degree murder.

hole - like you, I am older than a lot of the posters on here, although not a mil yet. I completely understand your points about mils being under attack on here a lot of the time; you have explained yourself very rationally and clearly.

However, your comments about "the wiles of women" and (apparently) dismissing the work of SAHMs have done you a disservice. You have come across as being rather misogynistic and blinkered, which is rather a shame as you have useful experience to share with others on here.

OP
You need to 'grow a pair'
How dare your mil throw papers out and lie to you about it.
People like her do what they do because people like you let them away with it.
I wouldn't be having a snooping b*tch over and would prefer to pay a babysitter.
I'd also tell her why her services weren't wanted.
Your dh is a wimp.