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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I don't want my DM to come for Christmas Day, but she will be on her own if she doesn't come

89 replies

user1475253854 · 05/12/2016 12:08

She has come to us nearly every year since my DF died 13 years ago. The past few years we haven't invited her and she just turned up away, so if I didn't want her there I would have to actively tell her she can't come. I have 4 siblings, none of which have ever invited her for Christmas. She sees them a few times a year, often less than that as they live further away and they never invite her to stay whereas we see her most weeks. Again, we don't invite her, she "pops" in.

I feel that it would be horrible to leave her on her own, but, when she comes round she just talks at us, telling us all about her woes and problems and who's died. She talks over everybody. She knows everything about everything and is quite draining to be around. I just feel I've had enough Christmases with her there spoiling the atmosphere.

Should I tell one of my siblings they have to host her this year? Her NDN is kind to her and does stuff with her, but knows what she is really like so won't have her for Christmas with her own family.

Am I being heartless?

OP posts:
ClaudiaNaughton · 05/12/2016 12:11

I think it's time for siblings to step up.

TwitterQueen1 · 05/12/2016 12:14

Yes, you are Xmas Sad

PopeMortificado · 05/12/2016 12:32

Oh God. It's just once a year and she'll probably be dead soon. I mean that seriously - you only have one mother. This could be you in 30 years time.

Be kind. There is nothing wrong with seeing if another sibling would be willing to host her - but if they say no, then you would be very cruel to leave her alone.

Think of all the times she wiped your arse, fed you and changed your nappy. A couple of days a year is a small price.

gillybeanz · 05/12/2016 12:40

Contact siblings and ask them wtf is going on and ask which one of them is doing the next 13 years.
I wouldn't have done 13 years tbh, I'd have sorted it the year df died and arranged alternating each year.

Bluntness100 · 05/12/2016 12:42

I'd ask the siblings and if they say no yes I'd invite her.

Myrobalanna · 05/12/2016 12:47

I feel your frustration, it's bloody difficult when a parent "is" a certain way and you are not. Somehow the skin in thinner and it's harder to deal with.

But that said, if she's not abusive, just irritating, you talk to your siblings and work it out amongst yourselves without her getting wind of any frustration - otherwise it is a bit heartless.

I wouldn't even couch it in terms of "it's your turn" - more like "mum would be so delighted to be asked for Christmas, she must be fed up of us, so how about it?"

ThatStewie · 05/12/2016 12:50

I would sit down and tell her exactly what you've said above. Being old and your mother doesn't mean she has the right to ruin everyone else's Christmas. Or, you could do an open house Boxing Day for a few hours and invite her to that making it clear Christmas Day is a no.

I'm assuming you have kids who are also entitled to a Christmas without a relative ruining it.

Yoksha · 05/12/2016 13:02

Myrobalanna puts it in a nice manner. I'd go along those lines. Just keep topping her sherry glass up. Suggest there's new "house " rules this year. No bad news, no negativity, no hashing out who's died.

But still suggest your siblings host her first.

PitilessYank · 05/12/2016 13:11

I tell my kids that if (when?) I start descending into Old Fart-dom, I expect them to give me a heads-up about it. Would it not be possible to talk with her in a straightforward way about her behavior and see if she is willing/able to modify it?

(Please note that I was never able to do this with my own mother, but she had a serious mental illness.)

mamaslatts · 05/12/2016 13:16

She sounds horribly lonely. I've often found people that spend vast amounts of time alone have trouble shutting up/sharing the floor when they are in company. I would suggest at least some of your siblings pull their selfish fingers out their arses as a short term plan. As a long term plan would it be possible for her to be more involved in things near her? (easier said than done, I know.)

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2016 13:18

Yes you only have one mother but not all mothers are kind and emotionally healthy nor do they turn up unannounced after not being invited (and with the subsequent expectation of being fed and watered).

Are you afraid of your mother if you tell her outright that she should make alternative arrangements this year?.

How do you get on with your siblings?. Presumably your siblings do not want to see mother at Christmas precisely because of her behaviours that you describe. You have a right to do the same.

MrsJayy · 05/12/2016 13:19

Tbh i would be getting onto a sibling and say oiy invite mum for Christmas dinner I couldnt leave her on her own though yes she might moan a tad but she is your mum it might be you one day

MrsJayy · 05/12/2016 13:21

She does sound lonely.

ChemistryGeek · 05/12/2016 13:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

OliviaBensonOnAGoodDay · 05/12/2016 13:23

Yes you only have one mother but not all mothers are kind and emotionally healthy

This, X 1000000000.

I feel for you OP. I agree it's time for your siblings to step up.

Adora10 · 05/12/2016 13:23

Suck it up OP, that's what we do, I couldn't live with my conscience knowing I am having a good time while my mum is all alone at Xmas!

Not saying I don't understand your pain at having her but honestly.

OohhThatsMe · 05/12/2016 13:24

I think you should get really tough with your siblings. Having her once every five years would be manageable, but there's no reason why you should have her every year.

Cosmicglitterpug · 05/12/2016 13:29

You're not being unreasonable, and it's all very well people saying 'she's your mother' and 'honestly'. The reality is she spoils your Christmas. It's not your responsibility to bear that every year; speak to the siblings about it and come to a timeshare arrangement. It's what I do with my parents as they can be hard work during what should be times of fun. I'm not shirking 'my duty', equally I'm not bearing the brunt of being moaned and nagged at in my own home.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2016 13:30

Its hard being the last one left and I think user you've been tasked unofficially with "managing" your mother by your siblings. You live the nearest so she turns up unannounced and uninvited at yours. There seems to be no discussion beforehand or any real consideration from her regarding your own feelings; she arrives with the expectation that a) you will let her in and b) she will be fed and watered.

Would you tolerate this behaviour from a friend?. I put it to you that family are no different. Your kindness at hosting her at all over the past 13 years is reallly being taken advantage of here.

Siblings are likely fed up with mother altogether, this is probably also why they have moved away.

MrsJayy · 05/12/2016 13:38

Could you have your dinner at her house then you can leave, thats what we did when Mil was alive we had a 3 year rotation bil was nowhere to be seen he never invited her or went to herAngry Mil was difficult lots of woe is me and so &so died so we had her at ours went to my mums then went to her so was only 1 year she was on her own

TeaAddict235 · 05/12/2016 13:53

Hey OP, sorry that you feel so fed up with your mum, but if you can't have a bit of compassion especially at Christmas then it goes against the meaning of Christmas. I would have a stern chat with my siblings and then give hospitality to my mum, who cleaned my bum, protected me, sat up with me etc when I was helpless and probably horrible many a time to her. Families are often a thankless task. Envy

Original poster
user1475253854 · 05/12/2016 15:27

Thanks for responses all.
I think you are right and leaving her alone at Christmas is too much. I think it's because recently I've been standing up for myself more when she's around. Eg she is rude to me or the DC I stop her and say that's rude/unacceptable etc so it's probably an extension of that. I will speak to siblings and see if they will have her this year as we have had so many with her. If not she will come to us.

Somebody asked if I can speak to her about it and the short answer is no. I've tried, but everytime I question her she denies she's doing it or is like that at all and says I'm hard on her and don't give her a chance which is a bit rich given what I've done for her over the years.

DCs just ignore her and get on with their day anyway so I will try and do that too.

OP posts:
merrygoround51 · 05/12/2016 15:34

I can't imagine why on earth you would leave your mother alone, based on the fact that she is annoying. Lots of Mothers are annoying, we may well become annoying.......

My mother is like this, its hard having someone so bitter and angry around but isn't being compassionate in the spirit of Christmas.

merrygoround51 · 05/12/2016 15:38

You're not being unreasonable, and it's all very well people saying 'she's your mother' and 'honestly'. The reality is she spoils your Christmas.

Do you not think that the love and care given to you as a child should be re-paid when you grow to an adult and the parent is more vulnerable. I cannot imagine it any other way.

tribpot · 05/12/2016 15:39

I don't think your siblings will step in if they think you are phoning 'just to see' if they will have her. If the answer was yes, they would have done it long ago. Be tough with them; it's someone else's turn.