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Original poster

I don't want my DM to come for Christmas Day, but she will be on her own if she doesn't come

89 replies

user1475253854 · 05/12/2016 12:08

She has come to us nearly every year since my DF died 13 years ago. The past few years we haven't invited her and she just turned up away, so if I didn't want her there I would have to actively tell her she can't come. I have 4 siblings, none of which have ever invited her for Christmas. She sees them a few times a year, often less than that as they live further away and they never invite her to stay whereas we see her most weeks. Again, we don't invite her, she "pops" in.

I feel that it would be horrible to leave her on her own, but, when she comes round she just talks at us, telling us all about her woes and problems and who's died. She talks over everybody. She knows everything about everything and is quite draining to be around. I just feel I've had enough Christmases with her there spoiling the atmosphere.

Should I tell one of my siblings they have to host her this year? Her NDN is kind to her and does stuff with her, but knows what she is really like so won't have her for Christmas with her own family.

Am I being heartless?

OP posts:

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 05/12/2016 15:39

She sounds horribly lonely.

I agree.

StefCWS · 05/12/2016 15:40

Enjoy your day with the only mother you have, im sure you were repetitive and draining when you were young. Time to return the favour imagine how she would feel if she thought she wasn't welcome

Trifleorbust · 05/12/2016 15:40

You sound nice, OP. YANBU but as you said, you can't leave her on her own.

LineyReborn · 05/12/2016 15:47

It is fucking awful when siblings won't step up, though. They had their nappies changed too.

I had my mother ten tears in a row. For Christmas and Hogmanay. Like the OP, I have four siblings.

LineyReborn · 05/12/2016 15:49

ten tears in a row My best Freudian slip this Christmas

TheNaze73 · 05/12/2016 15:50

I think you need to speak to your siblings

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2016 16:13

User,

re your comments in quote marks:-

"Somebody asked if I can speak to her about it and the short answer is no"

Why is that, are you afraid of her response?. That is a problem in its own right.

"I've tried, but everytime I question her she denies she's doing it or is like that at all and says I'm hard on her and don't give her a chance "

Yes, I would think she has said something along those lines as well, its everyone else's fault except her own. People like your mother never apologise nor accept any responsibility for their actions. She has disregarded you and has been totally unreasonable to pitch up unannounced at your house year after year with the unspoken expectations of being fed and watered.

Your siblings have likely had enough of her if she has been the same with them, they have removed themselves from her. You are now the last one left and its an unenviable position.

What do your children think of their nan; it sounds like they do not have a close relationship at all with her.

You've been more than reasonable these past 13 years of hosting her; time to call time on this one sided arrangement that has suited her far more than it has benefitted you. She has played on your kindness and hospitality long enough.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/12/2016 16:19

User

You know your siblings; how do you think they are going to react when you say to them that you do not want to host mother this year?.

There are likely a myriad of reasons why they have not hosted your mother and it could well be to do with her overall attitude. You have alluded to some things re your mother which are problematic in their own right.

You would not have tolerated this from a friend, family are no different.

WappersReturns · 05/12/2016 16:21

I wouldn't have anyone in my home at Christmas who was rude to me or my children. That's not just "annoying", I wouldn't allow my children to be treated that way in their own home on Christmas day or any other day for that matter.

I think some people have difficulty grasping that not all mothers spent the childhood years lavishing love and care on their children.

piglover · 05/12/2016 16:25

Be grateful that you have siblings even to ask! :( from only child with a very similar-sounding mother.)

rookiemere · 05/12/2016 16:35

I don't think you have to be grateful for the rest of your life just because someone gave birth to you.

You have 4 siblings. I'd email them all today, say that as DM is getting older, you think it's time to rotate her Christmas visits so she gets the opportunity to spend Christmas with different DCs, and you don't want to monopolise her company . Therefore please could one of them invite her to theirs this year as she's been with you for the past 3000 years and you feel she would enjoy a change of scene.

Word it very carefully as I suspect it will make it's way back to your DM, but make it very clear to your siblings that it's their turn to host her and that you don't intend to.

toffeeboffin · 05/12/2016 16:44

Yes, you're being heartless.

When you were a kid do you think she honestly enjoyed every single Christmas, making it special for you?

She would have probably have preferred to be drinking gin on a beach in Tenerife.

SailingThroughTime · 05/12/2016 16:45

You may have to suck it up this year but it's time eo email your siblings and get a rota organised. "Are you having her next year or the year after?" rather than ask if they will. Assume they'll want to step up as she's their responsibility too. Maybe they think you're happy with the arrangements you've made for the last 13 years.

Aroundtheworldandback · 05/12/2016 16:46

Yes I think you're being heartless and am surprised at some of the responses here. It's not as if you have to "tolerate' her all the time; could you not just for this one day of the year? No way on earth I'd intentionaly leave my mother lonely unless she had done something unspeakable. You can't take responsibility for what your siblings do, but you can for yourself.

No one's perfect and she's obviously not. But I can't help feeling sorry for her spending years nurturing all her children, only for them to decide she's not worth an invite on Xmas day!

SailingThroughTime · 05/12/2016 16:47

And if tbey demur, ask why they think it's reasonable for you to have her every year when she's such a misery.

SailingThroughTime · 05/12/2016 16:48

I think there are a lot of assumptions on here about what sort of mother this woman was 😄

tribpot · 05/12/2016 16:49

OP says she sees her mother most weeks - so it's not just a case of tolerating her for this one day of the year. OP does way more than her siblings already.

Kskifred · 05/12/2016 16:51

I personally think it is unfair of you to have to be the only one that welcomes her at Christmas. Perhaps the other siblings are not forthcoming with inviting her because they know you will do it? I would have a stern word and say that one of them needs to invite her for once as you aren't the only one. Alternatively you can suggest that you may not be home for xmas this year and they need to step up, one year might break the cycle.

However, I don't think this resolves the problem...your DM is clearly quite lonely to just pop in so regularly, and perhaps could do with some support in meeting new friends etc? Not just at Christmas.

I appreciate everyone has different relationships with their parents, but coming from someone whose mother died when I was 18 (10 years ago now) I would be overjoyed to be able to have her at such family occasions. Don't wish her away.

If you feel close enough to her, could you perhaps sit down and have a bit of a heart to heart - say that whilst you love her and want to see her well, that talking about her problems with anyone that will listen is having a negative effect on her other relationships - she might not be that self aware if depressed and it could make a big difference in her connection with other siblings and yourself - I personally think it would be a bit sad if she was to pass away one day and you had all tried to have minimal contact, because of this instead of helping her.

If you are not prepared to do any of the above, then I feel that yes you do need to have her for Christmas!

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 05/12/2016 16:53

Your post has made me really sad op.

didireallysaythat · 05/12/2016 16:55

I feel your pain OP. I'm lucky in that my brother and I take it in turns. Hate it. First year in ages we get to have xmas at home (MIL wants the family at her house for Xmas - like she's the only one who might want to be home for Xmas!) and my mother had to join us. I just grin and bear it. As kids we used to spend the holidays travelling across the country visiting family, and I so wanted it to be different for my kids. It sucks.

GettingitwrongHauntingatnight · 05/12/2016 16:56

Its not acceptable for her to be rude to you or dcs though.

SusannahL · 05/12/2016 17:02

Op you ask if you are being heartless. I think you know the answer to that don't you?
Yes, your mother might be annoying, but here's the thing, daughters can be annoying too! Do you think your poor mum finds everything perfect at your house at Christmas? She could well find you and your family 'hard work' at times,but that's families isn't it?

onanotherday · 05/12/2016 17:12

Jumping in on this....I have step mum every year...it's just me and kids. I don't mind...other than there is no choice. But I know her own kids have made ( half hearted) invites...but she no longer wants to travel. so drinking through

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/12/2016 17:13

Susannah You are absolutely right. Op should be taken her turn to host her mother. She has five siblings and has hosted for the last 13 years. Definitely her turn again in 2068.

Mumoftwoyoungkids · 05/12/2016 17:15

Sorry - 4 siblings. One of 5. The 2068 is right though.

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