I don't want my DM to come for Christmas Day, but she will be on her own if she doesn't come

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She has come to us nearly every year since my DF died 13 years ago. The past few years we haven't invited her and she just turned up away, so if I didn't want her there I would have to actively tell her she can't come. I have 4 siblings, none of which have ever invited her for Christmas. She sees them a few times a year, often less than that as they live further away and they never invite her to stay whereas we see her most weeks. Again, we don't invite her, she "pops" in.

I feel that it would be horrible to leave her on her own, but, when she comes round she just talks at us, telling us all about her woes and problems and who's died. She talks over everybody. She knows everything about everything and is quite draining to be around. I just feel I've had enough Christmases with her there spoiling the atmosphere.

Should I tell one of my siblings they have to host her this year? Her NDN is kind to her and does stuff with her, but knows what she is really like so won't have her for Christmas with her own family.

Am I being heartless?

Stiffened Did she host her mother every year when you were a child? I bet she didn't. I don't think your parents should be told to step up either.

I can't speak for the OP but we always had family Christmases. This involved us going to our Grannys house with great granny, uncles, aunts and cousins and then once Granny died, great aunts and cousins came to my Mum and now my Mum and brothers come to me.

It is shown that as generations go on, we are becoming far more selfish and disdainful towards the elderly. I will make bloody sure that my kids wait hand and foot on Granny on Christmas Day - fetch her drinks, snacks, put her wrapping paper away, bring her bags to her room etc.

I can think of nothing sadder than sitting at a table and looking around to see that the older generation have passed. I know it will happen but it really saddens me.

You can't tell her she can't come that is so so so horrible. She's your mother!

It's no use people saying siblings have to "step up" or that you have to "be firm" with them and tell them it is their turn. I have similar experience of this, and if they won't do it, they just won't do it.

How do you make them?

My parents always had my Mum's parents for Christmas Day and both sets of parents for Boxing day.

Every year.

But they were lovely, and fun.

I agree siblings can't be MADE to take a turn - and they may well just leave her alone if it is their 'turn' and they don't do it.

But there are ways of making sure that they don't just assume that the Op is happy with taking on the bulk of parent-care.

"I need some support in looking after Mum..." could be a starter, for example.

I think everyone who is saying you are being heartless has not had to deal with a mother like this. Not every mother is kind, caring and considerate, I bet she was just as difficult and self obsessed when she was younger and most likely put herself first than too.

No one even your mother has the right to just rock up on your doorstep and expect to be lorded over Christmas Day or not its still your home, your decision and if you don't want her there you need to make it clear.

Stormy My mother is quite difficult, my MIL is a dream.

DM is perpetually looking for the fun, the 'buzz' and our house just doesn't provide that and you can sense her disappointment.

She drinks too much and can be difficult to make leave, however she is our mother so we get over that.

I feel for you as I'm in a very similar boat. Worth asking your siblings, but if they are anything like mine it will be a flat 'no' cos they don't want their cosy Christmas Days spoiled.

Your choice, like mine, will be to host her for Christmas, yet again, or leave her on her own and ruin the day feeling completely guilty. Just hope you don't have to put up with hearing non-stop how bloody wonderful the other two are who seldom visit. Really makes my blood boil.

Oh god yes Donald. DSis was and continues to be the favourite (I'm not being petty, it's agreed amongst siblings and wider family) yet she hasn't seen DM for 2 years...

First year I'm not seeing my mum Xmas day as she and my SD are going away boxing day. It feels Shiite. First time in 30years, yes I have my dp, dd and DSS and DSD but it won't be the same and it saddens me. Sounds petty but they want a quiet day and it feels selfish as my and my ex take it in turn to have dd, this year its mine.

Your DM probably deep down gets worked up over Xmas about being alone. She sounds lonely due to her behaviour. Just be the better sibling and give her the time and space. Your one that won't live with regret not inviting mum over at Xmas. Its one day fgs xx

A bit late for this year , but arrange to go away for Christmas next year, and let your siblings know this well in advance. Or have your Christmas dinner out, invite her to the meal and then take her home.

No-one seems to have foreseen the possibility that she may refuse even if invited by another sibling - preferring to come to you.

What's wrong with old people getting together with their friends and going to a restaurant/pub for Christmas lunch?

I'm with Attila. You don't have to absorb this. Depending on how strong you're feeling, tell your siblings that one of them has to step up this year. Be prepared to be absolutely slated for having the nerve to take them out of their selfish comfort zones. Be prepared for an almighty huff from your mother.
Ignore people who are saying 'you only have one mother'. I put up with miserable shit father for too long. I then put up with toxic MIL until she really went too far. This year she is on her own for xmas as I will not have her over the threshold ever again. Have my in law siblings stepped up? Have they hell. And it's not my problem.

Sorry to hear this OP. I think alot of responses are projecting their own personal experiences where you should show gratitude for the love & nurturing of a positive upbringing by having your mother on Christmas Day. I don't believe this is the case in abusive or dysfunctional families. If the latter is the case I think it's perfectly acceptable to practice a bit of nurturing & self love on oneself, often needed in adult life anyway, to repair what was lacking during childhood. This is maybe an extreme example, but basically I'm just trying to explain it's not always as straightforward as being 'unkind' to someone. It can be about showing kindness & compassionate to the right person. X