I don't want my DM to come for Christmas Day, but she will be on her own if she doesn't come

[user1475253854]

She has come to us nearly every year since my DF died 13 years ago. The past few years we haven't invited her and she just turned up away, so if I didn't want her there I would have to actively tell her she can't come. I have 4 siblings, none of which have ever invited her for Christmas. She sees them a few times a year, often less than that as they live further away and they never invite her to stay whereas we see her most weeks. Again, we don't invite her, she "pops" in.

I feel that it would be horrible to leave her on her own, but, when she comes round she just talks at us, telling us all about her woes and problems and who's died. She talks over everybody. She knows everything about everything and is quite draining to be around. I just feel I've had enough Christmases with her there spoiling the atmosphere.

Should I tell one of my siblings they have to host her this year? Her NDN is kind to her and does stuff with her, but knows what she is really like so won't have her for Christmas with her own family.

Am I being heartless?

I have a fil who is exactly the same and he has now worn out everyones good will. He ruins every social occassion and dominates everything so that it is ruined for everyone.
Why should everybody have their day ruined to keep him happy ? I dont think my children should have to put up with it!
Personally i do not think you are being unreasonable at all . You have done more than your share . Tell your siblings you have plans that do not suit your mother visiting and let them sort her out .
And if that fails go away next year and have the christmas you want .

Dunno what all the sad faces are about. is it somehow rude to state your private opinion of a relative that you have hosted without complaint for 13 years on the trot.

It's not as if the DM will be scrambling through dustbins to find some scraps on Christmas day if she doesn't go to OPs, she does have other adult DCs who should be hosting her. If she was a pleasant guest they'd be falling over themselves to ask her.

Thanks again for responses.
She is v v lonely, I know that. I used to visit regularly but I had to stop for my own mental health/sanity. She often says she likes an item or food that I have when she comes down, so I buy one for her and then it's not right or she doesn't want it. It was driving me mad so DH told me not to bother.

She's known in the village where she lives for talking over people and talking about herself/what she knows constantly so they've stopped inviting her to things. Do you see a theme recurring? Sorry to drip feed.

Your mum sounds really hard work it must be exhausting i can see why you would like a cheery christmas day I still think you can contact siblings and tell them somebody has to invite her they are taking advantage. Or you could pick her up and drop her home after dinner

She needs a bit of mental health support from the sounds of it. She could do with a bit of therapy.

Well I'm in my fifties and I've never, ever had a Christmas without my parents sharing Christmas dinner! When I was young and single, I went to their home. When I was with various boyfriends, they came to us, or we went to them. During a long marriage, with small kids, they came to us. Post divorce, they come here, adult kids do as they please.

My parents are elderly and getting frail. My mum sometimes drives me nuts, like yours in a lot of ways. But I feel it's just a day, and so what? Infuriating or not, I am blessed to have them. Many friends my age have neither mum or dad.

I have frequently wanted a Christmas day with just me and the kids. But the guilt I'd feel just isn't worth it. So I rise above it, hit the fizz, and see the positives.

I now compromise though; Boxing Day is our family day only. Onesies and pjs, cold buffet, Lindor and more fizz and boxed sets. Just us. Sometimes, I get through Christmas day, by focusing on that.

Yes, you are being heartless. It's Christmas and it's one day. If she's been coming to you for 13 years she probably doesn't realise she needs to be invited.

My mum was annoying, demanding, and difficult. But she's not here anymore and I would give anything to see her at Xmas. Make the best of it, drink plenty of fizz and start making plans now with your siblings for one of them to invite her next year. Please don't tell her 3 weeks before Christmas that she's not welcome.

Oh god, I fecking hate the idea that you have to put up with a rubbish Christmas because she will be DEAD one day, and then you'OK miss her. And some people have parents who have died and they wish they could be there, so if you are complaining you are a horrible person.

Yes, parents at Christmas can be a total pain in the bum. And lots of us put up with having the 'most magical time of the year' being the time when you are made to feel like crap and an utter disappointment. So, don't feel guilty about having a little break.

Get your siblings to step up.

Christmas is one day / two with boxing day

I wish many of my relatives were still alive to spend Christmas with

Please invite your Mum this year and enjoy Christmas together

Then you will have a whole year to organize what will happen next year

May I suggest that in future, you could go out for Christmas day to church, pub or restaurant for whole or part of the day, would that help dilute ? you would need to look into cost eg interaction with more people

OK well I'll step up. I'm much, much more horrible than you. I see my Dad very infrequently, and he was the best Dad he was capable of being (i.e. quite shit but it's not really his fault and he really did try). There came a point a few years ago when me and my 2 siblings had just had enough of the 'having Dad for Christmas' conversation and we all just stopped. This year I'm going to see him for New Year which as we are English isnt' such a big thing. He won't now be alone at Christmas but at one point he was. No doubt I will feel guilty when he's dead but at least I haven't had to put up with him just not being very nice to ds, and driving dh out to the shed for the day, because he just doesn't know any other way to be. It is our Christmas too. I am a decent daughter in law and will have or help my PILs any time, any place, any where; I do a fair bit for my mother and constantly wish I did more; but my Dad is just extremely difficult to have around.

The best option I found was in fact to have him for a bit longer, and to ply him with alcohol so that he was asleep a lot of the time.

Obviously since your siblings are further away, the day to day/week to week visits ARE harder to do. So now, at Christmas, is the time they get to step up and help you. Don't talk to her about it, but have the conversation with them. Ring the most likely sibling and say point blank that you expect them to have your mother for Christmas Eve, Christmas Day and Boxing day and no two ways about it. If they plain refuse, go on to the next sibling. If they haver, say to them ' this needs sorting now' and don't take no for an answer. Believe me, it's the only way. Then ask them what they are going to do about getting her there - train or will they pick her up? Offer to buy the train tickets and take her to the station. Anything.

OP I totally synpathise. It is time for your siblings to step up. I think you need to tell them straight, it sounds like they are taking advantage of your kindness. I just have one brother useless looser who lives with my mother so no one to take over Christmas Dinner.

I yearn for a Christmas Day of games, laughter, lots of wine, chocolate and FUN. Christmas - I love. Christmas Day I hate.

Like yours, my mother also dominates the day, she is a widow and since Dad died there is no one to tell her to stop the rudness and moaning. Christmas Day is always miserable and dreary - she moans that my house is cold, that I don't make dinner properly, that my gravy is horrible, that she can't get comfy because my chairs are hard, she tuts that we put the veg and potatoes on the table and hates that everyone has to serve themselves. I do it this way because there is usually at least 14 of us and if I were to serve out all the plates before putting them on the table the first ones would be cold. She insists that we pick her up early so that she can see us all opening our presents and then states her disapproval that we are still in our PJ's (even though it still only 10 am). It is so effing formal, we have to do the same thing year after year after year after year.

She always, always gets stomach ache/needs the loo half way through dinner which makes everyone feel anxious and worried about her. She doesn't do stairs - so someone has to go with her. DH gets grumpy because he can't have a drink as he is the one who takes her home (I can't drive} And the most hurtful thing of all ... she never says thank you. Me and DH put so much into making the day nice for everyone and all she does is moan and make everyone feel uncomfortable. She is getting on a bit now but this isn't all related to her being elderly as she has always been an ungrateful beep but the older she gets the worse she gets ... I don't recall her ever not being the centre of attention.

Every year is the same but we keep doing it because she is my mum and I love her and I know she won't be here forever. Selfishly, I wish I had the courage to say we are not doing Christmas Dinner this year - but I won't ever do that.

I have told my kids that when I'm old and grey I don't expect an invite at Christmas and I have made them promise that if I ever get to be a pain in the arse to tell me. I will gladly sail off into the sunset on a cruise somewhere nice and tropical. In fact, I look forward it!!!

Sigh.

I have told my children to not put up with the constant whining either... they are to tell me that I am turning into my other.

sympathies op. I have only done 3 years with mine. the constant talking over, not shutting up for a minute when I am reaching sensory overload, the talk of medication, and the negative thinking. (she is ill with anxiety) all really really sap your will to live and leave you weeping in a corner.

I do not think people understand if they have not lived through hours of doing nothing right and the constant bloody moaning. I shall never forget the look of terror on ex's face as he escaped my car after ten minutes of babysitting my mother and her monologue about her medication.

I decided this year not to invite my parents who constantly bicker and put everyone on edge. I felt a bit guilty but mostly I am actually looking forward to Christmas in a way in which I normally don't (my DB also never takes his turn). I think it's reasonable that I should get the Christmas I want once in a while when I normally do what others want (and my DD too). You need to have a conversation with your siblings.

I think that the way one "reciprocates" for the care given to one in childhood, if one was lucky enough to have decent parenting, is by parenting our own children well.

I don't think one is obligated to spend time with a habitually unpleasant and negative person, regardless of genetics.

one's own children...

It's not acceptable that your siblings have left it to you. I suspect it's because you haven't said anything to them before about it.

They need to step up. My siblings and I usually have turns (well except my brother) of having them stay in our house over Christmas. It's not fair to leave it to one person.

Are you the eldest?
The nearest?
Or the kindest and most accommodating?

I feel for you.

I have 4 step-siblings who have never hosted my dad, step-mum and step-brother. I love them all to bits but I'm longing for a Christmas I don't have to host. I'd already stopped doing the full family Boxing Day feast for 15-20 as I had in other years because nobody else contributed and just sat on their arses being catered for.

We told everyone this year we'd be going away but we didn't book anything so it got to November and we realised that going away this year wasn't going to happen. Dad knee this and then started making comments about them being on their own for Christmas and I caved in after checking with DH and DD if that was ok.

Plan is that I will be telling my 4 step-siblings that they should sort out between themselves who will have them next Christmas as they don't want to be alone and we will be either away or having a quiet one.

Tricky one! Yes she does sound lonely but she has also forgotten how to put a positive face on for social occasions and people seem to avoid her. I think it's telling that your siblings have sidestepped their responsibility in hosting your mum at Xmas. It's their turn to share some of this now, you've done the right thing for her for over 10yrs.

Gosh. Imagine how you'd feel if she lived for another 10 years and you realised your children had never had a Christmas, without one person there always talking over everybody, being rude to everyone, being negative about everything, stopping you all chatting together, never seeing their own family relaxed and happy on Christmas day?

Time to tell your siblings you won't be having her this year. If they all refuse to have her, apply all the "how heartless" comments on this thread to them and don't feel guilty. It won't be you causing your mum to be alone at Christmas, will it?

Although how you're going to stop her, I don't know. It does sound as though she'll come anyway ...

And absolutely what PitilessYank said!

Thanks again all. I haven't discussed Xmas plans with siblings yet, apart from one who will be abroad, so I will broach it then. If not for this year, then definitely next year.

Re trying to talk to her/make her change I probably need a whole thread on that in the new year!

She's not going to change now.
Poor old lonely soul.
Loneliness is the worst kind of hell.

My first Christmas without my mum. I wouldn't my mum talking over me. I'd be delighted if my mum still recognised me. I had nearly 8 years of dementia with her and all the hell that brought but before that she stop by me through thick and thin.

None of us are perfect

Goodness!
Have you never spoken to your siblings about this? Do they assume you are happy with it?

I think you need to get very direct with them and say it needs sharing out. It is quite close now for this year: I would contact them now and say you would very much like a change, and can one of them invite her. If they have good reasons not for this year (going to their ILs or whatever then say 'OK, I'm putting you down for next year and xxx for the year after. I have done 13 years, I see her every week, and I need a change. It would be nice for her to see one of you, too'. No ' I wonder if...' Be firm and resolute.

Why not turn it around, bearing in mind that we can't change others only ourselves

A phone call could go like this

Hi mum, I hope you're still coming to us on Christmas Day and none of the others are going to steal you away for themselves.
You know how much we all love you to be here. Why Christmas wouldn't be the same with you.

Poor old bugga. I bet she'd be lit up like a Christmas tree if she got a call like that.
It might help her to put her best face on.

I'm going to go against the grain. I think you don't have to host your mother. Did she host her mother every year when you were a child? I bet she didn't. I don't think your parents should be told to step up either.

We are the most put upon generation ever. We were left with coke and crisps int he car while our parents drank G&Ts with their friends in the pub. They then drove home with us (without seatbelt). They never had their parents for sunday lunch or Christmas. They were too busy having a good time. Now we spend our weekends ferrying our children to their activitites, we use seatbelt, we don't have time to socialise much ourselves. We look after old people, even though they live longer. Our children hang around for longer at home.

I think our generation deserve to have Christmas with their own family only if they want to. (I've only ever done this once. But I live in hope of repeating it some day.)