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Original poster

wedding invites

144 replies

herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 18:04

OMG went for breakfast with ds and gf who are getting married...next year but one......looking at fab v expensive venues so I'm expecting to pay towards it. Anyhoo gf announces that out of the 110 day guests no parents friends will be invited. Wow. So I said I had been invited to my friends children's weddings. To which she said she didn't know them. And so it was left. DS backed her up. FFS how bloody rude. By the way was only looking to invite 4!!!!!!!!
What do you think? I know things might change but bloody hell. DS said his friends were priority. How naïve ?

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 04/12/2016 20:32

Can you afford that amount of money? Sounds crazy for someone else's wedding!

but yes, sometimes as boys mums it seems that we do have to take 2nd place

"Boys' mums"? Really? I think more problems are caused when people put their old family above their new.

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 20:32

Sorry didn't realise this thread would run so fast. They already have a beautiful house that they saved for. They are both hardworking and lovely by the way!

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 20:32

I don't find inviting parents' friends as a 'selfish hell, OP' - I think what surprises people is that you don't understand that, whilst it isn't unreasonable for you to ask, it isn't unreasonable for them to say no either. If there is room, great, but their friends and family come first, surely?

Laska5772 · 04/12/2016 20:33

Seriously..just let them pay for themselves if thats the sort of wedding they want (i.e. the type where they dont give a FlyingF about their parents and family , but do expect them to cough up) .. It will only cause you to feel aggrieved over it.. . If they do it their way.. you can just turn up in your hat and you wont resent it afterwards.. like other posters have said here.. their choice, their wedding .. its so very sad they are like that though, but spend the money on something that will make you happy instead, but it seems that they simply dont care about what you feel at all

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 20:33

And as for those blaming the DIL and not the DS, that is ridiculous - he's a grown man and can stand up for his own priorities.

Joysmum · 04/12/2016 20:33

If you are making that contribution, and the bride and groom refuse to invite those 4 guests, then I think I would be withdrawing my contribution

Really. You'd deem the presence of 4 people as more important than your child's wedding? Shock

If my DD gets married then our contribution would be a wedding gift with no conditions because we'd want her to have the perfect day.

My parents made a contribution to my wedding but didn't do so to manipulate me into having anything in our day that wasn't our choice.

mydietstartsmonday · 04/12/2016 20:38

To be honest if you are paying 10k towards the wedding your ds and gf should ask you who you want to invite within reason. 1 or 2 close friends.
I find them fairly entitled tbh. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.

whatminniedidnext · 04/12/2016 20:40

I was planning my wedding (which I have since cancelled as we broke up), my parents gave me £4000 towards it and I invited a few of their friends as a thank you. It was only a small wedding (80 people) as well!

I think your DS and his GF are being pretty unreasonable as you are paying for a third of it. £10k is a lot of money. I would have a quiet word with your DS and say you would like your four friends there and see what he says? I can totally understand them wanting to control the guest list but they should invite a few guests of those who are contributing really, it's only fair.

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 20:40

FFS I'm not wanting to manipulate anyone. Just thought its what you did. Its nothing to do with the money they are more than welcome to it with no strings was just surprised given how many were going to the day do alone.
I'm finding this thread a bit strange with folk jumping to all sorts of conclusions.
I'm just amazed that some of the reactions to my suggestion that I invite four lifelong friends.
Didn't realise that it was just their day with no thought for anyone else.

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 20:42

Yes, it is just their day. I am not saying no thought for anyone else is fine but you are coming across as though you think invitations for your mates are an entitlement.

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 20:44

My wedding was only for 35 and was wonderful in a little restaurant and of course my mum invited her best friend. And do you know what I'm glad she did as she died suddenly shortly after( my mum that is)
I'm glad I wasn't thinking me me me me as some posters suggest is the entitlement of a bride. Good lord.

OP posts:
WarwickDavisAsPlates · 04/12/2016 20:47

Can I just ask if this is an English thing? Because I've never been to a wedding where parents friends were invited unless they had a very close relationship with the bride and groom (like an uncle or auntie figure)

I think 10k is a lot of money to give them but you can't expect them to invite your friends over their own. You might be proud and want to show them off to your friends but it really is about who they want to celebrate with.

Starlight2345 · 04/12/2016 20:47

I find the whole thing odd..I really wouldn't want to go to a wedding of someone I didn''t know..

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 04/12/2016 20:48

Yes the brides mother will be inviting a friend or two ds said later.

With this and the fact they are wanting you to pay 10k, YANBU.

cheekyfunkymonkey · 04/12/2016 20:48

It's not your wedding. I know some parents friends do get invited (and some parents of friends) but it is up to the couple who they invite, and any donation to the event should not come with strings. My mil did this. She gave us a list of guests including her friends and distant relatives. We did not invite anyone we weren't planning on doing (and couldn't even invite everyone we wanted to) we only had 60 guests. It sounds a lot but my immediate family took up a fair proportion of this and we both had to really limit friends. She was gracious enough not to show if she was upset, and hosted a friends and family party for us after the event. I wouldn't take it personally.

StoorieHoose · 04/12/2016 20:49

I really wanted a small wedding reception. I wish I had stood my ground and not had to invite at least 20 of my DMs friends - half of whom I hadn't seen for at least 10 years. I look back on my wedding and realise I didn't enjoy it. I've already told DD who was 5 when we married that I will not be forcing anything on her wedding day and she can do what she wants.

Oh and spending £30k on one day is a fucking ridiculous waste of money

dontcrynow · 04/12/2016 20:50

Im with you op. I financed the total of my dd''s wedding-about £20000- and invited several of my friends who had known my dd all her life plus lots of aunts and uncles and cousins she didnt know very well. The young couple were completely fine about it and it was a lovely family and friend occasion-young and old. there were sone tensions along the way during the planning stages but overall we all have wonderful memories. 100 people came and all knew each other or of wach other.

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 20:50

Starlight my ds knows my friends well what are you on about. Ok so I'm not entitled to ask anyone. Bloody hell I have never been to a wedding where friends weren't invited.

OP posts:
dontcrynow · 04/12/2016 20:51

Forgot to say the groomsparents also invited their friends and relatives. there wasnt really a numbers limit.

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 20:53

I'm glad I wasn't thinking me me me me as some posters suggest is the entitlement of a bride. Good lord.

Good lord, how is this coming out as your DIL's fault? Is your DS that much of a pushover that this has nothing to do with him and is all her fault for being 'me, me, me'? You're going to be a nightmare.

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 20:57

No I wont be a nightmare. I'm very easy going and very generous and don't take offense easily. I must be wrong then. I'm out of here!!!!

OP posts:
RedMapleLeaf · 04/12/2016 20:58

I'm finding this thread a bit strange with folk jumping to all sorts of conclusions.

You're new to these parts then? Grin

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 21:00

You sound passive aggressive and highly emotional. I stand by my comment.

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 21:07

I'm back. Joysmum I didn't say that it was the view of a poster. No I'm not passive aggressive at all?
I will stand by what the ds and gf want of course just wanted others opinions that's all.

OP posts:
watchingthedetectives · 04/12/2016 21:09

This thread is bonkers and it's not even in AIBU!
The OP has been perfectly reasonable and will roll with it whether her friends are invited or not.
Despite this she is described as 'passive aggressive and highly emotional' - she can't win
Maybe we all go to different sorts of weddings but I have never been to one where family friends were not invited - it was seen as a big celebration for both families not just the bride and groom