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Original poster

wedding invites

144 replies

herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 18:04

OMG went for breakfast with ds and gf who are getting married...next year but one......looking at fab v expensive venues so I'm expecting to pay towards it. Anyhoo gf announces that out of the 110 day guests no parents friends will be invited. Wow. So I said I had been invited to my friends children's weddings. To which she said she didn't know them. And so it was left. DS backed her up. FFS how bloody rude. By the way was only looking to invite 4!!!!!!!!
What do you think? I know things might change but bloody hell. DS said his friends were priority. How naïve ?

OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 04/12/2016 18:41

Why would it be a reverse? I'm with the OP.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone · 04/12/2016 18:42

It isn't your wedding; therefore it isn't your choice.
Don't give money unless it is given willingly and without conditions.

AmberEars · 04/12/2016 18:43

It would not occur to my mum to gift money and then expect something back

It would not occur to me to accept a monetary contribution and not pay some attention to the wishes of the person contributing!

TheNaze73 · 04/12/2016 18:44

YABU & bordering on being rude to them. It's either an unconditional gift of love or it isn't.

Hulababy · 04/12/2016 18:45

If a bride and groom want complete control over their wedding and guest list then they should be paying out for it in full, and not expect hand outs from parents.

FWIW in pretty much every wedding I have been to there have been friends of the bride and groom's parents, even when B&G have paid for it in full themselves. But then mostly these are weddings where you're not talking bout silly money per head, etc and the B&G are not having to count heads to minute detail.

Hulababy · 04/12/2016 18:46

And yes, in the past the invitation are from the bride's parents, as they were the ones paying. And yes, they got to choose guests too.

GinIsIn · 04/12/2016 18:48

Well, are you giving them the money so they have a nice wedding, or so you have leverage for emotional blackmail? It's not your day so it's not up to you, even if you are contributing.

Minniemagoo · 04/12/2016 18:49

We paid for our own wedding and let both sets of parents invite 5 couples (10 people) each. I agree with OP and say uts naive of the wedding couple to not think their parents expect to be 'allowed' invite a friend or 2. I'd be hugely disappointed in my children if they didn't understand how happy and proud of them I would be on their wedding day and how I would want to share that with friends. The attituxe of 'its your wedding' is incredibly selfish and disingenuous to the people (parents) who supported you along the way.
Of course that doesn't apply in all family situations but the OP hasn't goven any indication of a rift.

Minniemagoo · 04/12/2016 18:50

Sorry for all the typos! Need to not post from phone due to large fingers 😁

newbiz · 04/12/2016 18:55

I cannot even begin to imagine not allowing my parents to have some of their friends there. I've never been to a wedding where parents friends are excluded and my parents have been to the weddings of their friends children.

Goingtobeawesome · 04/12/2016 18:56

Dh and I invited around three family friends to our wedding. They were the PIL friends but that meant they'd seen dh grow up. Felt nice to offer, one didn't come but they were all delighted to be asked.

Meanwhile my grandmother had a couple of friends holidaying nearby and she told them where the church was and to come and see me leave. They were pissed off and complained to my GM when they heard me say to dh I have no idea when he asked who they were. I'd never met them...

GIVEN THE gf comment I'd would be shocked when they mention the expectation you'll pay...it's a nice gesture but if they want everything their own way they should pay. Four guests is nothing, you'd be contributing more than that. Shame she's like that, may have missed out on a couple of gifts. might appeal

newbiz · 04/12/2016 18:56

mini you say that so well. That's what I wanted to say but couldn't find the correct words

Inertia · 04/12/2016 19:02

Your son and future DIL are entitled to invite whomever they want to their own wedding.

You are under no obligation to pay for anything.

Caper86 · 04/12/2016 19:04

I call reverse.

GoldTippedFeather · 04/12/2016 19:06

My parents really pushed money on us, we didn't ask or really want it as I knew strings would be attached. Like and behold they then demanded guest after guest. I relented in the end after A LOT of pressure and arguments and it left a really bad taste in my mouth and I do feel a bit bitter towards my parents for it still months on.

tribpot · 04/12/2016 19:12

It would never have occurred to me to have invited friends of my parents to my wedding, regardless of who was paying (for the record, I did). I might have invited old family friends as there are some who are almost like family to me, but it would have been my choice.

Shrugs123 · 04/12/2016 19:15

Parents dictating the guest list harks back to the days when a wedding was hosted by, and FULLY paid for by, the bride's parents.

Weddings are daily occasions but the guest list is 100% up to the bride and groom as they are paying. If you contribute you don't do it with conditions. I'm sorry but that's the way it is. It would be nice of them to show goodwill and offer you a few invites but really it's a party for them not you and your friends. YABU.

BackforGood · 04/12/2016 19:16

I would expect Long standing family friends to be on the guest list of my dcs' weddings, yes, as these are people that my dc have known and who have been involved with all their lives (in the case of a wedding this size, obviously not if people were inviting a very small number). However, my dc would include them. It's not about 'entitlement' it's about surprise that the OP's dc hasn't thought 'Oh, what about Bob and Sue' .

acatcalledjohn · 04/12/2016 19:19

Why would it be a reverse? I'm with the OP.

So far all we know is that the OP assumes she'll be paying towards it, and thinks it's rude her own friends are not invited. It's not the OP's wedding.

Wow. So I said I had been invited to my friends children's weddings. To which she said she didn't know them. And so it was left. DS backed her up. FFS how bloody rude. By the way was only looking to invite 4!!!!!!!!
What do you think? I know things might change but bloody hell. DS said his friends were priority. How naïve ?

The couple's friends taking priority as guests over people that don't know them is rude?

I still think it's a reverse on that basis.

BackforGood · 04/12/2016 19:19

My dd recently had an 18th birthday, and included several 'adults' who were initially friends of mine, even though I said it was totally up to her who she invited, and I didn't make any suggestions. Because these are some of the people that have been there for us as a family over many years.

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 19:21

Pay or don't pay (they haven't asked you to pay) but it's their wedding so they get to write the guest list. I get that you would like to invite your friends but their friends come first, it's their wedding.

SmellyChristmasCandles · 04/12/2016 19:23

I'm with Minnie as well. We also paid for our own wedding. We asked both sets of parents to suggest two couples they wanted to invite to the day (day guests numbered 60) and two more couples to the evening. Both asked friends known to dh or me for many years and it was lovely to share the day with them. I really didn't see any problem with this at all. As Minnie said, a child's wedding is a special day for the parents as well and it seems natural that they would want to share that with friends.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 04/12/2016 19:25

My MIL insisted on inviting 4 guests and looking back I really resent it. I didn't know them and she doesn't even speak to one couple now. I wish I'd been brace enough to say no.

Muddlingthroughtoo · 04/12/2016 19:26

*brave

SocksRock · 04/12/2016 19:26

We didn't invite any of our parents friends to our wedding. It didn't even occur to us to be honest. All our relatives were there, including some from a very long way away, so it was a nice opportunity to spend time with family. I would never expect to go to the weddings of my friends children.