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Original poster

wedding invites

144 replies

herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 18:04

OMG went for breakfast with ds and gf who are getting married...next year but one......looking at fab v expensive venues so I'm expecting to pay towards it. Anyhoo gf announces that out of the 110 day guests no parents friends will be invited. Wow. So I said I had been invited to my friends children's weddings. To which she said she didn't know them. And so it was left. DS backed her up. FFS how bloody rude. By the way was only looking to invite 4!!!!!!!!
What do you think? I know things might change but bloody hell. DS said his friends were priority. How naïve ?

OP posts:
Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 19:27

My in-laws contributed some cash to our wedding but they didn't insist on inviting guests. I think they would have seen that as rude.

FatOldBag · 04/12/2016 19:29

Is this a reverse? IT'S NOT YOUR WEDDING! You can't invite people to someone else's wedding. What the fuck? Only the bride and groom invite people.

Regardless of what's allegedly "expected" you don't have to contribute financially towards the wedding, and you're perfectly within your rights to make it clear at this stage that you will not be doing so. Or you could attempt to offer a contribution with terms, ie "I'll give you X amount on condition that my friends A, B, C and D are invited, although if you do this you will look like a dick, and they may well turn you down, I would.

Leeds2 · 04/12/2016 19:31

I think if you are making a significant contribution to the wedding, it isn't unreasonable to ask to invite 4 guests. If you are making that contribution, and the bride and groom refuse to invite those 4 guests, then I think I would be withdrawing my contribution.

If brie and groom are paying for it all themselves, then I think the guest list is up to them. Although I think it a little sad that they would ignore just 4 of your friends.

Laska5772 · 04/12/2016 19:37

Good grief.. OP I am with you..Let them do what they want .. (just dont offer anything.. )

As a parent of a grown up son on MN where MILs always seem to be the 'evil' ones , I do feel for you ..

flapjackfairy · 04/12/2016 19:38

My dd got married a couple of years ago shortly after my best friends daughter so we were excitedly doing mother of the bride stuff etc. Both families have known each other since children v young and we have even had xmas lunch together .
However when it came to weddings my daughter invited them and wanted them there but we were not even invited to the evening do at what was a v large wedding (300 plus). My friend had footed the bill for the wedding My other friends could not believe it and it was awkward to say the least. However I decided not to let it ruin a friendship of 30 yrs and have let it go but reading this thread has made me feel a little stab of hurt all over again and I still dont get it !

GravyAndShite · 04/12/2016 19:38

I don't know. I think YABU to not discuss it. The problem will be if you 'buy' 4 friends onto the list you open a can of worms. With a blanket ban it sets boundaries.

You need to consider this is one day and then you have a whole life of a relationship with future DIL. She may be the mother of you dgc some day.

She's a bride, it brings out the worst in many of us.

It is only one day. Examine WHY you want your friends there, then with the deepest honesty if you still think you want to pursue this approach them with your honest thoughts and feelings. That is not unreasonable.

If you find you can't tell them your honest motivations for wanting this so badly, or maybe you can even admit them to yourself, maybe YABU altogether.

FuckShitJournalists · 04/12/2016 19:47

I'm getting married soon and my parents are inviting a few friends who I have known my whole life. I know how much it means to them, and even with the pretty small do we are having, I really think it would be unfair to not let them have their best friends there to share in a day that's so special to them as parents.

Chops2016 · 04/12/2016 19:51

YABU.

It is THEIR wedding. It is THEIR special day.

If you are only happy to contribute with strings attached then that's your perogotive. Personally I'd be happier knowing that I'd contributed towards giving my DS the wedding day he and his partner wanted, rather than making it about me and what I want Confused

Laska5772 · 04/12/2016 19:56

BTW you are certainly not 'entitled' in any shape or firm.. That was such a cruel comment upthread.. (I think sometimes - and far too often - the son's mother is unjustly villified on MN, ...lets hope that when potential DDIL has a son she will realise.. )

RusholmeRuffian · 04/12/2016 19:58

Not your wedding, not your choice.

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 20:08

Good grief OP here. Not a reverse! Wow! Am not feeling entitled to anything just thought it was normal. Am not MIL from hell either. DS and gf lived with me for two years rent free and I will be expected to pay 10000 towards.
My DS has known my friends all his life and is invited to all their events.GF does not however.
of course if that's what they want that's fine I'm not going to fuss as yes its their day. Am surprised by some of the responses actually.

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 04/12/2016 20:11

You shouldn't have held back that you will be expected to chip in £10k.

You could just, you know, say no.

LineyReborn · 04/12/2016 20:12

My DS wouldn't dream of asking me for that.

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 20:14

Why would I say no? As I said I just thought it was normal as in every wedding I've been to had a few parents friends. I had no idea I was emotionally blackmailing them FFS I just said oh!

OP posts:
LineyReborn · 04/12/2016 20:16

Why would you say no? Because you're unhappy enough to post about it on MN.

I'm on your side.

Laska5772 · 04/12/2016 20:17

OP Hugs are so unmumsnetty . though I do think i would like to give you one . but here , have some Wine. I hope your Ds and his GF realise just how hurtful they are being,... (but yes, sometimes as boys mums it seems that we do have to take 2nd place (it sort of happened to me also) .. I am so Sad for you ..
its probably not nice, but i'd let them fund their own selfish wedding if that how they are going to respect your kindness to them

acatcalledjohn · 04/12/2016 20:19

I have to say OP, had it been clear from the OP that you would be expected to pay £10k towards the wedding then the reactions would have been rather different. However, that is not what you said. And we can only comment based on the info given. You can't really be that shocked on that basis.

If I were you I wouldn't pay £10k towards a wedding, especially if you're doing it because it's expected of you. That's entitled on your DS and DDIL to be.

acatcalledjohn · 04/12/2016 20:20

's part.

I should really finish my sentences before hitting the post button

newbiz · 04/12/2016 20:21

I'd like to know if the bride will allow her parents to have some of their friends who she presumably knows? What does your son think about it?

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 20:24

They will be inviting 120 to the day alone. I really don't think I'm being selfish at all in fact I think they are but I wont bring it up again and will just move on. Bloody hell. The whole wedding will cost 30000 or whatever.

OP posts:
Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 20:26

Yes the brides mother will be inviting a friend or two ds said later. Believe me I'm just going to run for cover.

OP posts:
acatcalledjohn · 04/12/2016 20:27

£30k Shock

Fucking hell. That's ridiculous, especially if they've been living with you rent free. They'd rather spend stupid amounts of money on a single day than invest it in a house?

You've drip fed a bit. With the extra info I am actually leaning towards agreeing with you.

Trifleorbust · 04/12/2016 20:29

How do you know you will be expected to pay 10k? You don't have to give them a penny.

Original poster
herwegoagain123 · 04/12/2016 20:29

I will just let them get on with it. I'm amazed though that some people find inviting parents friends as some kind of selfish hell and that they must not have a good relationship with their own parents.
I wasn't equating money with expectations either. I don't want to buy anything.

OP posts:
newbiz · 04/12/2016 20:30

I really feel for you. I think it's unkind and thoughtless of your DIL and something that you will remember. We recently held a wedding sized party for our DS 13th birthday, think religious celebration. We had 130 people and asked both sets of parents who they wanted to invite. They each chose 2 couples, neither of whom DS knew and I didn't know PIL's friends but that wasn't a problem, they were so proud of their grandson and wanted to show him off to their friends. It was our pleasure to facilitate that and we wouldn't have dreamed of asking them to contribute to that.

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