Long marriage with controlling DH - he says I have just sponged off him

[HoarseAndSad]

DH has always been really difficult and prone to get nasty if he can't get his own way.

Over the years he has let me make some decisions (for instance I make all the decisions about the children) but he will pull rank over some things, like finances. He also controls where I go and hates me having friends.

We married very young, soon after I had left school. I had been ill through secondary school so left with no qualifications, and he had a good trade, so I raised the children, ran the home and worked part time, fitting it around the family.

Meanwhile, he worked hard, and concentrated on his career which gave us a good standard of living, and eventually had several good promotions. He never contributed to the home other than financially - no bed time stories, or trips to the park, or washing up or cooking, as that was all left to me. He worked from home and would make life really hard by messing up the house while I was at work because i think he was resentful that I wasn't at home, so he made life retry miserable.

When our youngest was born, he insisted I got a part time evening job and he would look after the baby, but the it was awful - he would make me late every day, mess up the house while I was out, and the baby wasn't looked after properly, e.g. not fed or nappy changed or put to bed. Often I would get home and youngest would be roaming the house alone while DH had taken himself to bed.

I stuck it out for eighteen months but handed in my notice in the end. Since then (ten years ago) I have been a SAHM.

I have done a bit of volunteering but DH has been really unsupportive - in the last role, he decided (for no apparent reason) that I was cheating on him with another volunteer and kept threatening to confront this person until I gave it up.

About a year ago, he told me that I had been sponging off him for years, and he was sick of it. I have been trying to find a job since then, but he has put barriers up every time I have an interview, and ridiculed me if they are not what he thinks of as a good job. So I haven't found anything yet.

I feel such a failure - I thought I was doing the best thing by looking after my family but now it turns out that I am just some sort of fool who is now unqualified for anything and has very little work experience, and a DH who resents me every day because of it.

After he ranted at me all day yesterday about my lack of income while we put up the decorations, he told me today that he plans to open a separate account so I can't touch his money. He just doesn't understand that I can't just find a job that he thinks is suitable. I feel so low and worthless today, and so tearful .

Sorry it's so long. I know I should leave him, and I would, but I think I need a job before I can.

[MrsBertBibby]

Yes, OP, it really is that bad.

Isn't it up to your friend, whether she is "involved"? Abuse like this thrives on your silence. Talk to her, you don't have to ask her to help, but you need someone to tell.

And his deep feelings he is overemphasising (funny guy!) are not love for you. It's fear of being alone with no one to kick to make himself feel like the Man.

[HoarseAndSad]

She is quite a new friend, and she is married to such a lovely man - they are like best friends. I really don't want to involve her at all.

DH gets arsey and difficult if I make friends with anyone, but he is letting g this continue because he thinks she and I are just meeting up once a week to socialise our dogs, and go to a local cafe to have a bit of lunch afterwards. He has no idea we have a real hoot together (same sense of humour!) and that we get on brilliantly. I wouldn't want to jeopardise that.

As it is, he already complains that I 'can't wait to get out of the door to see your lesbo mate' (she is straight, not that it matters) and is looking for an opportunity to put a stop to it.

When I have left, I can meet up with her when I like but I can't tell her about it now - she would either not understand, or he would find out somehow and be angry.

[MrsBertBibby]

Ah, the lesbo line. Abusers are so tediously predictable.

It's your call, OP, but I hope you can find someone to confide in.

[nicenewdusters]

"bit of a useless lump"

" a bit wet"

You are so not those things OP. Try and speak kindly to yourself, those are the kinds of things HE has made you feel about yourself. Think back to when you were a child, maybe the age your youngest is now. If you could look at that child and know what their future was going to be, that this vile man would enter their life, what would you do? You'd protect them, comfort them, do whatever it took to change their situation. You can't go back, but you can be kind to yourself and go forwards. No shame or guilt, just drawing a line, knowing your own worth and moving on.

I don't think you should speak to your mother about this matter. But I do think you should consider confiding in your older dc and friend. This kind of abuse thrives in secret. Remember, he's like the playground bully. He's weak, so he's counting on you not telling the teacher. You'd be horrified if your youngest dc was keeping any bullying to himself - your situation is no different.

Why don't you try giving Women's Aid a ring today if you get the chance? Even if you only look up the number, ring and speak for a couple of minutes. It's a step, a blow against him.

You say we're all clever. I suspect most people here have lived a version of your life, which is why we're routing for you to get away from this man. Our knowledge is just hard won experience, which is the only good thing that can be shared after being abused by somebody who is supposed to love you.

[HoarseAndSad]

'The lesbo line' - that made me laugh! All my friends have been lesbos or weirdos or mental, apparently. They all seemed pretty normal to me

[Goingtobeawesome]

"Thank you all for responding. It's weird reading that you all think he is abusive - he is so confident that he is right that I really doubt myself."

Could you start acting confidentially yourself? That your decisions are all sound and allowed, that of course you can go out tomorrow night to the cinema etc.

[Goingtobeawesome]

I have now read the whole thread .

You are married to a bully. What would you tell your child if they were bullied? Don't give in!

See a solicitor ASAP. They can help with everything and if not there will be posters own here who can and will.

I'm in the south east. Have a puppy. Happy for company on walks 🐕

[HoarseAndSad]

Oh my goodness, no I couldn't just go out! It's hard to understand, but he would just be so angry. He would just go on and on, and he would probably come and get me from the cinema or whatever, and say that he was worried about me, and that I was acting weird, and he would say I was trying to pick up men, or I was meeting someone. It would be all he banged on about for weeks, and he would check up on me , and keep saying I was cheating on him, all said front and within the hearing of our youngest.

I can use the car and have access to money simply because I don't do surprising things like just going off without permission.

I DID go for a Saturday lunch with my friend to a new restaurant some months back. I had to persuade him, and get my daughter to back me up, and he drove me there and picked me up afterwards,and then hit the roof because I had had a cocktail (just one!). He was furious because he said I was drunk and that I never drink with him. He banged on about it all week, about my disgusting behaviour. (Imagine if I'd have had TWO cocktails, ha ha) so that put an end to the idea that I might be able to go out at the weekend.

My mum paid for me to go away with her for five days a couple of years ago , to somewhere that had a lot of meaning to us both. He has never recovered from it (my betrayal, apparently) and won't speak to my mum now.

So, I feel like I have to protect everybody. I am used to protecting the children, and fighting for them to have a good life - I haven't got anything fight left for anything else.

[HoarseAndSad]

Even if he is on an important work call, if he hears me going out, he will it it on hold and come out. He will want to know where I am going, is my phone charged, and to show him the phone, have I got fuel, and to let him check, are those shoes sensible for driving, and I am not to forget to pick up DS. Then he will message me to make sure I am picking up DS, that I haven't forgotten (thirty years of parenting, and I have never forgotten a child !)

He says it's because he worries, that someone has to think of all these things, that it shows he cares, and that he shouts and calls me names because he cares but it makes my world so small

[reup]

Do your grown up children live in househares or have their own place. Could you not move in with them until finances are sorted. I'm your age and I cannot imagine living like you do with such an evil man.

[MrsBertBibby]

My partner cares, he doesn't need to shout names and keep me prisoner to show it.

Your husband certainly cares, but not for you. Just for himself.

You can do this, you can find the strength.

[SixtiesChildOfWildBlueSkies]

I just have been given lots of rules to follow, and as long as I stick to them, things are pretty stable

I can use the car and have access to money simply because I don't do surprising things like just going off without permission

Op, this ^ is the saddest thing I've ever read. I've just gone through your whole thread, and could feel my anger - at him - building with every line because I too was once married to an utter bastard like this.

I walked out, with my baby in one arm and a bag of clothes in the other and never went back.
I really and truly wish that mumsnet had been around then for me to learn from, as I would have left him an awful lot sooner.

Listen to the advice everyone is giving here - and do it. What a Christmas gift that would be to you and your DC.

My favourite quote is : Life shrinks and expands according to ones courage.
So, pull together all that courage you have stored away in hidden forgotten places, and use it to go forward to the fabulous life that is waiting for you.
You CAN do it.



He is a bully.
He is a controlling bully.

[Goingtobeawesome]

He's bullying you.

[Atenco]

OP, how horrible. But the great news is that you are now on the way out of this.

[HoarseAndSad]

He says I am stupid and useless, and I can't do things on my own, and it makes me feel useless and stupid, and that my decisions aren't sound, and that I will make a hash of things.

It's like petrol in the car - he gets so angry with me because I have never put petrol on the car, but he also says I'm not allowed to because I would put diesel in by mistake. If I did just go ahead and put petrol in without him, I know he would probably make an enormous scene - probably get the RAC out to check, maybe drag me back up to the garage and make me confirm with them what I had put in there.

There's a slim chance that he wouldn't do that, but only slim, so I do t want to take the risk and just fill the car up like normal people do. And what if I did get confused and put diesel in by mistake? That doesn't bear thinking about.

[HoarseAndSad]

Thank you all so much. I am shaking like a leaf but reading every word.

[nicenewdusters]

OP.That's exactly what happened to me, my world shrunk to the space in my house. I waited one day until he'd driven off to a family event several hours away. I didn't even have children. Then I phoned my dad and asked him to come and get me. I ran around the house stuffing things in bags, then I left. For good.

Best. decision. of. my. life.

I wasn't any stronger, or smarter, or confident than you. But I did it. So have thousands of other women. So can you.

[user1470997562]

I think it's very easy to lose sight of what's normal when you're in the midst of a relationship like this.

You will see it for what it is when you have left. I can't believe it now, but I would look at the footwell when travelling in a car with my ex with my head bowed- if I looked up, he would accuse me of looking at other men. Who could possibly think that was normal/acceptable? But I did. For hours sometimes on longer journies.

Get out now would be my advice. I am in no doubt at all that this man is abusive. I have never once regretted it, even though I left with no more than a bag of clothes. The hardest part was the decision. Once that was done, it was much easier than living with him.

My relationship now couldn't be more different. Dh is always encouraging me to go out, do things, meet people. Because he genuinely loves me and wants to see me grow/thrive and enjoy life. This is love. Imprisonment and isolation are not.

I thought my ex would be so angry, so embarrassing (he'd no doubt involve everybody we knew). But actually he was a pathetic wreck. After a few attempts to "win" me back, I stood firm and cut all ties. I've not seen him or heard from him for a couple of decades now, neither do I want to ever again.

My ex used to say that - it was all for my benefit because he cared so much about me. Please don't fall for this crap. If he loved you he wouldn't go out of his way to make your life miserable. What he's doing is intolerable.

Another thing I used to tell myself - he can't help it, it's just the way he is. That maybe true but he is not your responsibility and if he behaves like this he should be living alone.

The things you talk about are basic human rights. To go out, make friends, have a job, see your own family. He is depriving you of them. I don't care what his reasons are - he has no right to do this. You have put up with it long enough.

[JuddNelsoninTheBreakfastClub]

I replied to you yesterday afternoon then read your posts around 11pm last night which as Sixtieschild said are very upsetting. How dare he try and control you with "a set of rules" which you must obey. You cant even go for a shower in peace! is trying to make you feel you are useless but you are not useless. You are obviously intelligent, reading your posts, you have made friends but he destroys the friendship as he wants you to himself. Please do not put yourself down or he will have, it must be so difficult after hearing for years you are "useless" but you are not! Are you sure your adult children don't know what's going on? So sorry your mum didn't help you when he beat you, unfortunately there was this attitude in the past, even from the police, thank goodness it's changed. Take all the good advice that is given here. You can have a better life

[Topseyt]

You are NOT useless and stupid. That is just what he wants you to think.

Your writing on here is very articulate and you come across well. He has worn away any shred of self-confidence you ever had.

He has even shown his true colours to your mother. Have you told her how things actually are for you? Is she able/willing to help you get out from his clutches? Sorry if I have missed points there that have already been made.

You are getting good advice from people with way more experience than me here, which I cannot add to. Try to take it. Good luck to you. You are a good and very able person.

[jeaux90]

Get out. This is one of the worse cases I have read on MN. This guy is a shell of a human being. You have some good advice from a solicitor up thread and all of us here to support you. Xx

[mumonashoestring]

He says I am stupid and useless, and I can't do things on my own, and it makes me feel useless and stupid, and that my decisions aren't sound, and that I will make a hash of things.

Of course he does - because he doesn't want you to realise that you're an intelligent resourceful adult who can get along just fine on their own. Once you realise that, you have no reason to put up with his poor behaviour and appalling manners. He's showing his weaknesses there, not highlighting yours. If you're a lovely, caring person you don't need to keep someone in such a state of perpetual fear and misery that they don't dare look outside the marriage for support.

what if I did get confused and put diesel in by mistake? That doesn't bear thinking about.

For the record, in a 'normal' (i.e. supportive, loving relationship) you or he would get the car recovered to a garage where they'd drain the tank, clear the system through, check the seals and then return the car. You might get called a pudden or a bit of a twit but anything more than that? No. Because the person with you would know that a) it was an honest mistake and b) you're feeling bad enough already.

[Soubriquet]

This has been terrifying to read

How long you've putting up with it and thinking it's been ok

I'm so glad you've listened to what people are saying and making an escape plan

I wish you all the luck in the world. You deserve every ounce

[Topseyt]

Just seen the post where you say your mum feels awkward about being fully on side. That is sad. The rest of it still stands though.

[mummytime]

Please contact women's aid.

BTW you can do GCSE Maths and English for free, regardless of household income, if you don't already have them. Although it would be much easier to do them when you are away from him.

You are not worthless or a sponger. And he knows that which is why he is continually putting you down. He doesn't want you to think for yourself.