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Relationships

Long marriage with controlling DH - he says I have just sponged off him

407 replies

HoarseAndSad · 04/12/2016 11:37

DH has always been really difficult and prone to get nasty if he can't get his own way.

Over the years he has let me make some decisions (for instance I make all the decisions about the children) but he will pull rank over some things, like finances. He also controls where I go and hates me having friends.

We married very young, soon after I had left school. I had been ill through secondary school so left with no qualifications, and he had a good trade, so I raised the children, ran the home and worked part time, fitting it around the family.

Meanwhile, he worked hard, and concentrated on his career which gave us a good standard of living, and eventually had several good promotions. He never contributed to the home other than financially - no bed time stories, or trips to the park, or washing up or cooking, as that was all left to me. He worked from home and would make life really hard by messing up the house while I was at work because i think he was resentful that I wasn't at home, so he made life retry miserable.

When our youngest was born, he insisted I got a part time evening job and he would look after the baby, but the it was awful - he would make me late every day, mess up the house while I was out, and the baby wasn't looked after properly, e.g. not fed or nappy changed or put to bed. Often I would get home and youngest would be roaming the house alone while DH had taken himself to bed.

I stuck it out for eighteen months but handed in my notice in the end. Since then (ten years ago) I have been a SAHM.

I have done a bit of volunteering but DH has been really unsupportive - in the last role, he decided (for no apparent reason) that I was cheating on him with another volunteer and kept threatening to confront this person until I gave it up.

About a year ago, he told me that I had been sponging off him for years, and he was sick of it. I have been trying to find a job since then, but he has put barriers up every time I have an interview, and ridiculed me if they are not what he thinks of as a good job. So I haven't found anything yet.

I feel such a failure - I thought I was doing the best thing by looking after my family but now it turns out that I am just some sort of fool who is now unqualified for anything and has very little work experience, and a DH who resents me every day because of it.

After he ranted at me all day yesterday about my lack of income while we put up the decorations, he told me today that he plans to open a separate account so I can't touch his money. He just doesn't understand that I can't just find a job that he thinks is suitable. I feel so low and worthless today, and so tearful .

Sorry it's so long. I know I should leave him, and I would, but I think I need a job before I can.

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IllHaveALargeGlassOfRed · 03/01/2018 20:18

I just RTFT though I knew it was an old one and I'm amazed at how well OP was doing. I really really hope she got what she wanted and left her husband.