DH has always been really difficult and prone to get nasty if he can't get his own way.
Over the years he has let me make some decisions (for instance I make all the decisions about the children) but he will pull rank over some things, like finances. He also controls where I go and hates me having friends.
We married very young, soon after I had left school. I had been ill through secondary school so left with no qualifications, and he had a good trade, so I raised the children, ran the home and worked part time, fitting it around the family.
Meanwhile, he worked hard, and concentrated on his career which gave us a good standard of living, and eventually had several good promotions. He never contributed to the home other than financially - no bed time stories, or trips to the park, or washing up or cooking, as that was all left to me. He worked from home and would make life really hard by messing up the house while I was at work because i think he was resentful that I wasn't at home, so he made life retry miserable.
When our youngest was born, he insisted I got a part time evening job and he would look after the baby, but the it was awful - he would make me late every day, mess up the house while I was out, and the baby wasn't looked after properly, e.g. not fed or nappy changed or put to bed. Often I would get home and youngest would be roaming the house alone while DH had taken himself to bed.
I stuck it out for eighteen months but handed in my notice in the end. Since then (ten years ago) I have been a SAHM.
I have done a bit of volunteering but DH has been really unsupportive - in the last role, he decided (for no apparent reason) that I was cheating on him with another volunteer and kept threatening to confront this person until I gave it up.
About a year ago, he told me that I had been sponging off him for years, and he was sick of it. I have been trying to find a job since then, but he has put barriers up every time I have an interview, and ridiculed me if they are not what he thinks of as a good job. So I haven't found anything yet.
I feel such a failure - I thought I was doing the best thing by looking after my family but now it turns out that I am just some sort of fool who is now unqualified for anything and has very little work experience, and a DH who resents me every day because of it.
After he ranted at me all day yesterday about my lack of income while we put up the decorations, he told me today that he plans to open a separate account so I can't touch his money. He just doesn't understand that I can't just find a job that he thinks is suitable. I feel so low and worthless today, and so tearful .
Sorry it's so long. I know I should leave him, and I would, but I think I need a job before I can.
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Relationships
Long marriage with controlling DH - he says I have just sponged off him
HoarseAndSad · 04/12/2016 11:37
I would love a quiet place for the youngest and I to live in 
I don't want to leave too quickly because by April we will get a lump sum that will pay the mortgage off (and it's a big sum) and he might prevent me from getting it, and I think I will need it to set us up nicely.
I feel really sick and shaky today though .
OP. So sorry you're in this situation, and for the terrible event with your father.
Don't wait. Think of your current/new "job" as disentangling yourself from this sick, vile man who is doing his best to ruin your life. He isn't strong and you weak. He's a tiny, scared little person who can only cope with life by destroying somebody else. But this of course makes him what he is to you, a bully who is abusing you emotionally and financially, and previously physically as well. We can all see him for the pathetic sack of shit that he is - as will you once you have reclaimed your life from him.
As others have said, disengage carefully to lessen the effect of his words and actions. Don't tell him any of your plans or hopes for future jobs or courses. If you feel you must wait till April set this as the finishing line. If you could get a job that was even just a couple of mornings a week that would be great. Don't think about "careers" at this point. Just a job that gets you out the house, gives you some money of your own, where you can reconnect with people.
He'll try and sabotage you, as he has already. You'll have to use your best poker face and try to keep him at arm's length. It won't be easy, he's an arch manipulator, and has had years to practice his sick little game. But you now have insight, knowledge, MN, and the will to get your life back. Leaving will be hard, but you already know what staying will be like, so that can't be an option. Women's Aid and a solicitor, then think about the job. You can do it 
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Thank you all again. I am reading and rereading all the advice, and I promise I am taking it all in.
I haven't told anyone about it really, although my oldest children know quite a bit, but I always turn it into 'your dad is so silly' because I don't want them to feel they have to help me at all. Nevertheless, none of them are close to him at all, and they all have unhappy memories of times when he was horrible to them, even though I always shielded them from the worst of it.
It is beginning to dawn on me today that the youngest and I don't have to live like this. I am quite scared though - he is downstairs in a bad mood because I am washing my hair, and he likes me to sit and watch telly all evening with him. I want to be able to have a shower without him making it into an issue.
I confess to having a sneaky look at right move when he thought I was showering
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