DH has always been really difficult and prone to get nasty if he can't get his own way.
Over the years he has let me make some decisions (for instance I make all the decisions about the children) but he will pull rank over some things, like finances. He also controls where I go and hates me having friends.
We married very young, soon after I had left school. I had been ill through secondary school so left with no qualifications, and he had a good trade, so I raised the children, ran the home and worked part time, fitting it around the family.
Meanwhile, he worked hard, and concentrated on his career which gave us a good standard of living, and eventually had several good promotions. He never contributed to the home other than financially - no bed time stories, or trips to the park, or washing up or cooking, as that was all left to me. He worked from home and would make life really hard by messing up the house while I was at work because i think he was resentful that I wasn't at home, so he made life retry miserable.
When our youngest was born, he insisted I got a part time evening job and he would look after the baby, but the it was awful - he would make me late every day, mess up the house while I was out, and the baby wasn't looked after properly, e.g. not fed or nappy changed or put to bed. Often I would get home and youngest would be roaming the house alone while DH had taken himself to bed.
I stuck it out for eighteen months but handed in my notice in the end. Since then (ten years ago) I have been a SAHM.
I have done a bit of volunteering but DH has been really unsupportive - in the last role, he decided (for no apparent reason) that I was cheating on him with another volunteer and kept threatening to confront this person until I gave it up.
About a year ago, he told me that I had been sponging off him for years, and he was sick of it. I have been trying to find a job since then, but he has put barriers up every time I have an interview, and ridiculed me if they are not what he thinks of as a good job. So I haven't found anything yet.
I feel such a failure - I thought I was doing the best thing by looking after my family but now it turns out that I am just some sort of fool who is now unqualified for anything and has very little work experience, and a DH who resents me every day because of it.
After he ranted at me all day yesterday about my lack of income while we put up the decorations, he told me today that he plans to open a separate account so I can't touch his money. He just doesn't understand that I can't just find a job that he thinks is suitable. I feel so low and worthless today, and so tearful .
Sorry it's so long. I know I should leave him, and I would, but I think I need a job before I can.
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Relationships
Long marriage with controlling DH - he says I have just sponged off him
HoarseAndSad · 04/12/2016 11:37
He used to make me wait until he was ready for bed, but luckily now he falls asleep on the sofa in the evenings, so I can sneak off.
I have been thinking though about how much of my life he controls. For instance, I could never just go and visit one of my adult children because I am not allowed to drive more than about eight miles (which is the far side of the nearest town). So that means I can get to the school/doctor/supermarket, but he would be livid if I went further.,It's all done under the guise of 'worry for my safety' but it makes me quite dependant.
He also decides if I am fit to drive, so if I have a cold or am a bit worried about something then I have to convince him that I am safe to get behind the wheel. And I couldn't go out in the car if we had a row - he would (and has) literally wrestled the keys from my hand on the driveway because he says I will crash the car. It's all apparently for my safety, but I think he is just trying to control me.
I have never driven to my adult children's homes. He has occasionally taken me there but he dislikes visiting them, so they usually come here.
It makes me feel really sad that I can't go and see my daughter and go shopping with her like her friends' mums do 
I will put that on my list of things that will change when I leave.
This reply has been deleted
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Maybe, for youngest's sake, I should just grit my teeth until he is older. I don't know
I used to wish my DM would leave my father. He was quite a shit, though not quite so much of a shit as your 'D'H.
As for not allowing you to drive more than 8 miles. WTF? I second all the advice about opening your own bank account (and if he asks, this is just such an expensive Christmas...), getting a part-time job and contacting a solicitor.
Thank you. I am a bit overwhelmed this morning, and my head is a bit spinny.
It feels weird talking about it and having his behaviour reflected back at me. I feel disloyal, although not to him, but maybe to my little family set-up.
I have tried to talk about it a little bit before, to friends that I have had in years gone by, but I know I have underplayed it to them, and they just say 'yeah, mine's just as bad' and tell me some story about watching too much football or something. And one friend, when I told her a couple of times how he had stopped me going somewhere, said that we squabbled like two school kids.
I did once rock up on my mum's doorstep, with two toddlers, a double buggy, a carrier full of clothes, a violent smack mark on my face, old and new bruising on my throat (and everywhere else, if truth be told) and great clumps of hair missing, only to have her tell me that she wouldn't interfere between husband and wife, and that I needed to go back
He doesn't hit me now (although I avoid situations that used to make him lash out now, so who knows).
Although when he was accusing me of cheating when I was volunteering, he would wake me up in the night and shout and pound the bed next to me with his fist, so I would keep really still until he stopped. But he says now, afterwards that it was because he was terrified of losing me and he was just overemphasising his deep feelings. But it was terrifying.
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Thank you all so much for the advice and the links.
He is out at meetings one day this week (I don't know which day, because he never tells me in case I plan anything ) but I will try to find a solicitor then.
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